Parents offended at my choices

[NC4THISS]

I know I am probably BU here, NC’d.

DC is 6mo and every decision me and DH make about them seems to cause offence to our DF/Ms and I just don’t know why.

Sometimes medial things like whether to give them rusks, I don’t want to, they did and then I’m thrown a barrage of ‘oh well it didn’t do you any harm, we didn’t have that google in our day we just had to actually learn’. What am I doing wrong for every choice to make them feel like it’s a personal attack on their parenting. It’s not I just say what we’re doing and why I’ve come to that decision and it strikes a nerve.

Today has made me upset, maybe I’m more hormonal than usual. Told last week DC has CMPA HV has referred us to dietician. Told DF and family today so they don’t buy me/us and milk related produce for Christmas and DF just replied with lots of other reasons Dc could have a rash. As if I’d just woken up this morning and chosen today and decided he’s allergic to something. I realise that’s different but it just adds to the parents debacle.

What to we do? AIBU to be frustrated at them constantly taking offence at every choice we make? Or was it just different in their day and they feel threatened that we don’t ask them for advice often/at all.

Stop oversharing, thry can't comment on what they dont know.

You cant stop how others feel or react but you can practice your "thanks, but that doesn't work for us" to unwanted advice.

Even "thanks, I'll think about it" then do it your own way anyway.

Make it very clear a professional not you has diagnosed CMPA and keep on repeating it. In my experience with my DD, they would say, oh just give her this yogurt it will be fine. Repeat, repeat, repeat and if necessary, take away food items. Food allergies are not very well understood in general.

Stop telling them anything and you won't have a problem. Honestly, it's the only way, and given you are a married adult with a child, it's kind of silly that you're running the decisions you and your husband make by them anyway. I totally understand what you're going through because my mother had form for this nonsense, too. I learned a very long time ago to keep things to myself.

You know those older women you meet sometimes who don't seem to care what other people think? Now you know how they got that way!

'I've talked it over with the Dr/HV and decided to stick with this for the time being.'

Put simply, they are far too involved. You’re an adult, there’s no need to share every detail of what you do with your parents. You are inviting them to get involved.

That must be frustrating, OP. It's entirely in their heads to take any divergence to be criticism. If you can't let it wash over you then I suppose your options include kicking back (increasingly hard - which they'll probably take badly too), talking rationally about how you feel, changing the subject, reducing what you share so they can't comment or ultimately disengaging to some extent. You know them best to know what will work for your DM, DF and ILs.

Good luck.

Ah crap, maybe it’s how I’ve worded the OP sorry @Aquamarine1029 you're running the decisions you and your husband make by them anyway we’re not really, DM would ask why don’t we get DC some rusks and then I’d go on to explain no and why I don’t want to.

"Yes, things are different now." Then change the subject.
"Yes, it could have been one of those things. I'm glad we talked to the doctor and got a diagnosis. Anyway, just letting you know so you don't waste money on anything with milk in it." Then change the subject.
"Thank you. We're going to do X"
You need to make it clear that the decision is made and you aren't interested in a discussion.

DM would ask why don’t we get DC some rusks and then I’d go on to explain no and why I don’t want to.

Stop explaining and stop justifying your decisions. A simple "No, we're not doing that" is all you need to say. Boundaries are sorely needed here.

They're pushing themselves in where it's not needed. Smacks of overinvolvement. Why are you bothered at all by what they think?
See less of them.

"Well if I inadvertently end up in a time machine being transported back to the 1980's I'll be sure to ask you. Until then I'll be raising child in the 2020's"

OP, it's really hard to process- when people aren't hearing what you say, aren't interested in what you say, you have to stop speaking to them. It feels weird- surely you should be able to have normal conversations without getting into a battle- but you can't. They've set the terms.

What you need to do is deflect, avert, distract.
When they bring up tusks, 'oh do you think so?' and then ignore.
'Has he had a rusk yet?' 'No, he loves his pears/broccoli/whatever'.

Just change the subject, move along, don't waste your breath they aren't listening.

Just be honest, don't worry if it sounds rude, they don't care about being rude to you

Why don't you get some rusks?

Because they are unhealthy

The rash could be due to xyz

The doctor says it's a milk allergy, I will take their advice thanks

Then don't enter into further discussion - just nod and smile, and change the subject.

It can be very easy to slip into "child" role with our parents. At the very least, we seek their approval of our decisions. Similarly, they feel it is their role to approve or disapprove of our decisions. Agree with @Everydayimhuffling 's suggestions re breezy responses. You can acknowledge that it was done differently in their day, and that it worked out just fine, while reiterating that you're not going to do it that way.

I've had to do this a few times. And to be fair to the other people involved, it's not just about being frustrated about their reactions to me, but also accepting that I need to be okay with the fact that I'm not always going to get complete approval. and nor do I need it.

Just about every parent in the land can relate to this try not to be so touchy and take it so personally. We had this more so from IL’s than my family but try to cut them some slack and try not take every comment as a personal attack on you and your parenting style. As they get older they will no doubt mention in my day we were given a good hiding or a good clip round the ear hole or similar.

You need to shut them down. As rude as you'll feel it'll stop them.

A simple- I know what I'm doing, times have changed since you were parents and I'd rather listen to a professional but thank you.

Be blunt it's the only thing that'll work or you'll have years of it. Trust me!

You could help them realise things have changed. Depending on how old you are - 'Did you ever use a car seat/seat belt when we were babies? Would you let a DGC in the front seat without one now?

You could enjoy being the font of certainty 'You don't want to watch that TV program/eat that boring food. Are you sure you've got (whatever health conditions they have). I suppose it's fashionable now for the elderly to get diagnosed with things like that.

Enjoy.

Even "thanks, I'll think about it" then do it your own way anyway.

No definitely don't do this, all you will be doing is encouraging them that you are considering their unwanted advice.
Agree that you need to stop oversharing. They sound like those know it alls who are still stuck in in my day mentality.
Be firm that you and your dh know best about your ds.

My wonderful and very supportive mother has admitted to me that she thought I was being precious about DC’s allergies (CMP and soy) until she saw a reaction with her own eyes. She had given DC bread with soy in by accident. You just have to stop engaging. Think very very carefully before you leave your child with them for mealtimes.

Definitely don’t do the “ignore” suggestion with regard to food. If they babysit for you then your DC will be plied with rusks and yoghurts the minute you are out of the door!

Boundaries, short “no, we aren’t doing that, the guidance has changed” and changing the topic once you’ve stated your point to something sunnier!

we didn’t have that google in our day we just had to actually learn

Yes, because it's better to experiment on your actual child?

No, we don't want to do that. No, that's not the scientific consensus. Yes, things were different, yes advice changes, that's science - if it knew everything, it would stop.

With the allergies, I have the same thing with some wider / extended family - and I have anaphylaxis to certain food products. Most people are great with it though.

I just don't bother anymore - I don't eat in their homes as I don't trust them, if they buy me food gifts I cannot eat, they go to the food bank (which makes me happier than actually having the gifts).

It's all this "allergies are now trendy" lark that has done it I think.

Definitely don't leave your child with them in the meantime.

Incidentally, if you want an example of changing evidence-based advice which has made a big difference: if you were born in the 80s your mum and MIL probably remember the Back to Sleep campaign. 2000 babies used to die every year of SIDS in the late 80s; now it is more like 200. BTS is one of the most dramatically effective public health campaigns of the twentieth century.

One thing I would say is to be careful around them giving food to your child if they have hinted at not believing the CMPA. My child's grandparents refused to believe us and said it would be fine and now he is terrified of food and can go up to 5 days without eating if he is exposed to milk, which one grandparent did frequently to "prove a point" it just caused him unnecessary pain and more food aversions