Parents offended at my choices

[NC4THISS]

I know I am probably BU here, NC’d.

DC is 6mo and every decision me and DH make about them seems to cause offence to our DF/Ms and I just don’t know why.

Sometimes medial things like whether to give them rusks, I don’t want to, they did and then I’m thrown a barrage of ‘oh well it didn’t do you any harm, we didn’t have that google in our day we just had to actually learn’. What am I doing wrong for every choice to make them feel like it’s a personal attack on their parenting. It’s not I just say what we’re doing and why I’ve come to that decision and it strikes a nerve.

Today has made me upset, maybe I’m more hormonal than usual. Told last week DC has CMPA HV has referred us to dietician. Told DF and family today so they don’t buy me/us and milk related produce for Christmas and DF just replied with lots of other reasons Dc could have a rash. As if I’d just woken up this morning and chosen today and decided he’s allergic to something. I realise that’s different but it just adds to the parents debacle.

What to we do? AIBU to be frustrated at them constantly taking offence at every choice we make? Or was it just different in their day and they feel threatened that we don’t ask them for advice often/at all.

I think it can be difficult to understand that the advice changes over time, when you have a baby , you tend to follow whatever rules are 'in' at the time, or you go renegade and do your own version, or a mixture of rule following and a bit off piste depending on the child.
We all try to do the best job with the available information and knowledge to hand at the time. I had mine over nearly three decades and so saw the changes to advice each time, did it make me a bad parent for following the advice for the first child and then different advice for the second and third ? If I had another now, I wouldn't expect all the advice to be the same as when I had my third. I would remember that I did what I believed was the best thing for all of them at the time they were babies, based on the advice that was current at the time.

I can’t imagine getting upset if my children make different choices to me. Ours went into forward facing car seats at 9m / 20lbs. If the advice when I have grandchildren is that they should be rear facing until 3 (or whatever) then thats the way it is. Or if they don’t start BLW until 6 months (we did purées at 4.5m) then that’s just the way they’re doing it. What we did 30 years back wouldn’t be relevant in my mind.

I can see how parents who brought up kids in the 70’s might not get it. Wasn’t it all Dr Spock and your children are simply an extension of you?

@Raspberry681

MereDintofPandiculation

But you are being condescending- you firmly believe that you naturally have superior knowledge because your adult children will always be one step behind you in their child rearing. Can’t you understand that perhaps you did not do everything perfectly or your adult children might simply be better at certain aspects of child rearing than you? You are still a mother but your role is to support your adult children in gaining confidence as parents- that means understanding that they are rational, intelligent adults able to make their own evidence-based decisions. Not treating them like ignorant children or worse, trying to ‘compete’ with them to show them how much more ‘knowledgeable’ you are...

Of course I understand they will do things differently and will be better in some respects. And they will have the benefit of advances in scientific knowledge. They will also do some things less well. Nobody is the perfect parent. We all try to avoid the mistakes of our parents, and in doing so make our own mistakes, and so will they - and so will you, if you are a mother.

Not treating them like ignorant children or worse, trying to ‘compete’ with them to show them how much more ‘knowledgeable’ you are... If you are accusing me of this then you are simply applying your own preconceptions.

@SnackSizeRaisin OK, so you are saying that things have changed so much in 30 years that someone who doesn't yet have children knows more about looking after a child than someone who has actually had children. OK. I can see that having had children in a different time gives a disadvantage in the form of knowledge that has to be shed, in the same way as (crap analogy, the first that came into my head) driving a car with the lights on the right makes it more difficult to drive a car with the lights on the left.

Oh god, OP. I've been where you are and it's just such a pain in the arse. Everyone else has posted such excellent advice so please heed it and you'll be fine.

I'd employ a bit of the grey rock method and only engage where you absolutely have to.

Repeat repeat repeat the important stuff, stress that a doctor/consultant has diagnosed CMPA, give a list of acceptable foods as they are allowed by you and do not get into deep conversations

My blanket comment was 'this is what the allergy consultant has told us to do ' and just ignored any fuckery.

Oh! And don't leave the baby with them at the moment if you are at all concerned they'll give any food with allergens in.

I learnt this the hard way.

Apparently MIL thought 'just a little bit of yoghurt' would 'help him get over his allergy'

One very poorly boy and one hospital trip

@SinkGirl

My twins have CMPA. They recently had soy milk in a recipe made by someone else (none of us had any idea they were allergic as we don’t give it and they don’t react to soy in bread etc) - two days of DT2 screaming in pain and shitting for England, poos burning the skin off his bum and DT1 still covered in eczema over a week later when he had clear skin before.

It’s so important that your family understand how poorly a reaction can make them, and if they won’t understand then they can’t be in a situation where they can give food to your baby. End of story. People think that because it’s not anaphylaxis it doesn’t matter but it’s absolutely miserable for them.

Soy in bread is usually soya lethecin which CMPA children often don't react to too much. Soya often runs alongside CMPA in allergies. It's such a minefield. Your poor twins xxxx

Yes I think that’s it - it’s like how DT2 can have well cooked egg but not lightly cooked egg. Very confusing! DT1 reacted terribly to soy formula as a baby when the dietician suggested we try it, so we had no soy at all until 2, but then introduced some foods containing small amounts of soy with no reaction - never did try soy milk though. Now I know it’s another that’s off limits! Such a challenge, especially as I’m allergic to nuts and sesame... between us we are a bit screwed 😂 Really hoped they would have outgrown it by now but even now they react to the first level on the milk ladder. People don’t take it very seriously but the reactions can be so horrible.

[quote MereDintofPandiculation]**@KleinBlue* Why not recognise that your adult children... raise their own children as they see fit without your preference for the childrearing techniques of yore?* I am recognising that. I said "But I hope I can hold those thoughts in if and when I become a grandmother."

I don't think I'm being condescending to young people to ask them to bear in mind what their parents may be thinking and why.

@MereDintofPandiculation your children will know far far far better than you what it is to be a parent in the 2020's At the moment they don't. And while they've got only toddlers, my knowledge of rearing school age children will be greater than theirs, simply because I have successfully raised school age children and they haven't yet.

but it's perhaps not quite as subtle about thinking you're superior to parents of your child's generation as you'd want to be. You're reading what you want to into it. What I was saying was - although many posters on think of MILs in particular and "older generation" in general as being concerned only about people doing everything "their way" and remember that, however old you are, you are still a mother to your children, you still the same concern for their welfare and that of their children. It doesn't go away.[/quote]
It's not condescending to suggest we should think about what other people think, and why. I hope we all try to do that.

And of course you are still a mother to your children, and still feel concerned.

All I'm suggesting - really gently, because I do get where you're coming from and how difficult it must be - is that you perhaps need to think about how it will come across if you are this passive aggressive.

Yes, you raised your children and they seem happy and healthy, and you are very proud that you did a good job. Of course, you think that if it worked for you, it must be there are no problems with the things you did. The problem is, that's anecdata. We could all do all sorts of dangerous or ill-advised things and get away with it. But the reason advice changes is because, at a population level, small changes can make a huge difference. My mum is of the generation who put us on our fronts to sleep. We all survived and obviously, it was the best wisdom of the day. I think my mum is probably right that we slept better - certainly, my DD was a nightmare sleeper. But we know that, statistically, babies die because they get put to sleep on their fronts. So you have to weigh up the 'greater knowledge' a person like you feels they have, against the advances in basic understanding.

You may feel that having successfully raised your children means you automatically know better than someone whose children are still tiny. But you need to take into account the fact that, when you raised your children, more children died because parents did not have such good guidance. The same will almost certainly be true when your children's children have babies, and they will also have to remind their parents that progress isn't a personal affront.

you are very proud that you did a good job No, I am not proud - I'm aware of, and beat myself up about, aspects where I have failed, and I know there will be other failures that I'm not even aware of. I said in a later post that I made mistakes, and that we all make mistakes. I've also acknowledged the advances in science.

Your mothers and MILs will know, from their experience, that half the stuff you fret about as new parents is not worth fretting about. They have the benefit of the long term view.

@Guineapigbridge there seem to be quite a few mothers and MILs who seem to think CMPA is nothing to fret about, in fact, you can just ignore it, because babies didn’t have it in their day!

We had all of this judgment from ILs, mainly around breast feeding vs formula (they thought formula was better), the need for a car seat (they though he could sit on an adults lap) and SIDs and safe sleeping (they seemed to think SIDS advice was all pointless). Suffice to say that they’ve never been left alone with my kids because of their attitude back then.

I just used to repeat the fact that lots of research and advances have been made in the last 30 years and we’re grateful for that and so we’re going to follow the latest advice.

I understand what you mean by them taking offence, it’s weird, it’s like if you do anything differently to how they did it you’re judging their parenting - my ILs did that and it caused really bad feeling. My parents chucked us in a Moses basket on the back seat of the car but they seem to be able to see that we’re really lucky these days to have safe car seats that have been rigorously tested!

Even between the children I have advice has changed and been updated - with my third I did things slightly differently to my first because of new guidance etc. I didn’t offend myself!

@Guineapigbridge

Your mothers and MILs will know, from their experience, that half the stuff you fret about as new parents is not worth fretting about. They have the benefit of the long term view.

What if the new parent isn’t fretting?

When DS switched to formula, on the advice of my mum we used cow and gate. Unfortunately it didn’t agree with him - made him constipated. A couple of mum friends and SIL recommended aptamil so we gave that a go and it stopped the constipation. I did try DS again on cow and gate and constipation flared up again so we chucked it and put him permanently on aptamil. He was happy, we were happy, absolutely no fretting coming from us. I didn’t discuss this with my mum, and then a few weeks later she visited and saw I wasn’t using cow and gate, she asked why so I explained. This then started an almost weekly pressuring conversation instigated by her about giving cow and gate another try. Why? There was no need, DP and I had the situation under control. Why do we need to change it? She would rather see her grandchild in discomfort and even pain than accept her way didn’t work for DS. I stand by what I said earlier that it was about control - she couldn’t stand not having control over what was going on. She was like this in other areas not just parenting like how I loaded my dishwasher - advising me to put our cereal bowls anywhere in the dishwasher that wasn’t were I was choosing to put them. What time I was going to bring the washing in off the line - DS was hungry and tired after a day out, I wanted to get his dinner in the oven then go out and bring the washing in she was insisting I do the washing first. She wanted to run the show.

DP and I have been together 15 yrs, most people think we’re married, we’re not. We planned to get married when DS was a baby but I couldn’t face trying to organise it with her interfering and pressuring. DS is now nearly 12, and I now feel in a place to want to plan it (I cut contact with her nearly 6yrs ago, DD was newborn and she was escalating her behaviour).

My advice to any parent of independent adult children is shut up, back off and let them get on with it. This behaviour is damaging.

OP I’ve read your update and your mum sounds toxic. I hope you find a solution to dealing her behaviour.

It’s super annoying regarding allergies. My ds has a severe nut allergy, confirmed by blood tests after his throat closing up and hospital admission.

In laws were told, we also asked they don’t bring nuts into our house anymore. They think allergies are a hoax.
Cue last week a handmade Christmas hamper arriving, full of chocolate coated nuts . Wtf. It went straight to the neighbours.

Now, I really just don’t trust them to listen to us regarding his allergies, so I can’t see him being left alone with them for years until he is old enough to check himself. Their loss

@Guineapigbridge

Your mothers and MILs will know, from their experience, that half the stuff you fret about as new parents is not worth fretting about. They have the benefit of the long term view.

this might be true, but the other half, like allergies, is indeed worth fretting about and can't be dismissed as 'well nobody had it in my day'.

@Guineapigbridge

Your mothers and MILs will know, from their experience, that half the stuff you fret about as new parents is not worth fretting about. They have the benefit of the long term view.

That’s is one of DMs favourite phrases ‘from experience’ and each time me and DP hear it we just shut off. It’s silly to think that my DMs advice when it comes from a sample size of 2 learnt 3 decades ago would be better or somehow superior to official guidance from large scale studies with present science. I know what I’d rather take advice from.

@Deelish75 sorry you had to cut contact, has it been better for you since? I can’t see what difference it makes to absolutely fucking anything in the world what brand you use. How dare you load the dish washer like that.

I wonder @Guineapigbridge if you would call it ‘fretting’ when I was increasingly concerned that DC started spitting up, the rash that took over his face arms and legs, the farting continuously, struggling to fall asleep on his own, would you tell me like DM and DNan that ‘oh, it’s just what babies do’ ‘sounds like he’s teething’.

I’m certainly no expert but I know my son, just like the other mothers, first time or otherwise, that also get frustrated with what is outdated advice.

@Caspianberg oh dear that sounds awful, and quite frankly, down right dangerous. Why is there a train of thought that allergies are ‘not real’ or just parents being precious?

Odd

[quote ineedaholidaynow]@Guineapigbridge there seem to be quite a few mothers and MILs who seem to think CMPA is nothing to fret about, in fact, you can just ignore it, because babies didn’t have it in their day![/quote]
This was my grandmother's view on lesbians -- they didn't have them in her day, therefore she didn't believe in them. Despite me going to a spate of lesbian weddings and showing her the photos. Imaginary, like CMPA and the necessity for car seats for babies.

Oh god, yanbu! This is a very common problem. My DS had CMPA, and PIL were all baffled: "but why would he have an allergy? No one else in our family has an allergy." (Actually not true as on MY side there are allergies, but me pointing this out makes no difference and anyway it is completely irrelevant.)

I hate confrontation so I just with the smile and nod approach and then did whatever I liked. If it is really getting you down, just say you are getting lots of different advice from different sides of the family and it is just getting a bit overwhelming so you are going to do things the way you've been advised by the Health Visitor. I usually found appealing to some higher authority helped me out of a few sticky situations!

@NC4THISS. There were other things going on as well that led to me cutting contact. I was on the receiving end of a lot of controlling and manipulative behaviour from her which escalated even more when I had my 2nd DC.

At first I was sad that I couldn’t have a supportive mother, one who had my back. She was very much the opposite. Constantly expecting me to put her first - her wants came before my needs, my children’s needs, and even DP’s. She made my life very stressful. That stress has gone. At first I was worried that my children were missing out but they’re not in fact their lives are more enriched as I have more time for them (one of her tricks was to phone call for long chats during the day when she KNEW I’d be busy with them - it was as though she resented their existence) My DC see my dad and his partner and my in laws are phenomenal (don’t hear that often on MN).

@MereDintofPandiculation

Times have changed. I had my children 35 years ago, and I'm so glad I'm not having children now, it's so much more complicated. My kids were fine, very little trouble as children, turned into nice adults, so obviously a lot of what I read on MN I think "wtf?? WHY??". But I hope I can hold those thoughts in if and when I become a grandmother.

As a mother of an adult, you still want your children to get on OK, to not make mistakes, and I presume once I have grandchildren I will have the same love and desire for them to have the best start in life. It's very hard to believe someone knows better than you do when you have brought them (or their partner) up from babyhood, and when they are only half your age. Especially when you look back and realise how many "sensible mature decisions" you took in your 30s and 40s seem to have been impossibly reckless or inconsidered from the vantage point of 30 years hindsight. So continue to do your best by your children, but try to understand where she's coming from, and it may be easy to let the comments roll by without upset.

I think this is a lovely post, written with direct experience and the tolerance that comes from age.

Very hard indeed to hold in advice when you -think- you know better.

@EmilySpinach

Incidentally, if you want an example of changing evidence-based advice which has made a big difference: if you were born in the 80s your mum and MIL probably remember the Back to Sleep campaign. 2000 babies used to die every year of SIDS in the late 80s; now it is more like 200. BTS is one of the most dramatically effective public health campaigns of the twentieth century.

This is why it drives me nuts when people insist there's nothing wrong with putting your baby to sleep on their stomach because "the advice changes all the time". It hasn't changed for thirty years!