Parents offended at my choices

[NC4THISS]

I know I am probably BU here, NC’d.

DC is 6mo and every decision me and DH make about them seems to cause offence to our DF/Ms and I just don’t know why.

Sometimes medial things like whether to give them rusks, I don’t want to, they did and then I’m thrown a barrage of ‘oh well it didn’t do you any harm, we didn’t have that google in our day we just had to actually learn’. What am I doing wrong for every choice to make them feel like it’s a personal attack on their parenting. It’s not I just say what we’re doing and why I’ve come to that decision and it strikes a nerve.

Today has made me upset, maybe I’m more hormonal than usual. Told last week DC has CMPA HV has referred us to dietician. Told DF and family today so they don’t buy me/us and milk related produce for Christmas and DF just replied with lots of other reasons Dc could have a rash. As if I’d just woken up this morning and chosen today and decided he’s allergic to something. I realise that’s different but it just adds to the parents debacle.

What to we do? AIBU to be frustrated at them constantly taking offence at every choice we make? Or was it just different in their day and they feel threatened that we don’t ask them for advice often/at all.

I could have written this!! Here’s my list I can think of that my mum complains about:

• chocolate before 1 (I’m not keen on anything high in salt or sugar)
• that we do extended read facing in the car
• lack of toys in the back of the car
• nap times and self soothing we don’t cry it out
• bsby doesn’t sleep through the night at 6 weeks

It annoys me so much but I have had to learn to bite my tongue and just nob / ignore them. They will always think they are right as that’s how they did it.

This weekend DM hissed ‘ well, what are YOU going to do when DC is doing all different things to you when he has his own because it’s all changed again!?!?! ’

That's just totally unacceptable behaviour. What an unpleasant woman. I don't think avoiding telling her things will solve it - she sounds like she'd actively look for things you're doing 'wrong'. She needs telling in no uncertain terms to stfu.

I had this with dm and exmil when I had ds1 . By the time ds2 had come along and exmil had been cut out and dm had learnt her lesson not to overstep. I have posted before about it but exmil was just batshit crazy and needed a steel barrier (especially after she told me it was dangerous to let health visitors see you and i should go an weigh ds1 in the Tesco fruit and veg scales ). So not a great example because she ended up just needing to be told where to go.

Interestingly though my dm and I have not had a great relationship but oddly there has been some reparation made during covid (over the phone obviously) and the subject came up of her behaviour to myself and dsis when pur DC were born. I asked her why she took every different decision than hers as a personal attack and she actually stopped and thought about it.

She came back with that in her day it was completely acceptable for a dm to teach her dd about parenting ,it was an "it takes a village " mentality and a dd was seen as incapable without being taught by her dm and dgm. She said she had followed this way and had seen it as normal to tell me what I was doing wrong to "teach" me and was bemused and frustrated when I wouldn't listen.

Years later for an unrelated reason I went NC with her for a time. She said she had sat and thought about how we had got to that place. She had realised that the world had changed and it felt more about myself and my DC being a separate family. She realised I had stopped being an extension of her and was my own person.

She also realised talking to my aunt that science had changed and I was going by that.

This is only my dm and I can't say for anyone else but it boiled down to her behaving the same to me as she had experienced as a new mother. Without realising that things had changed.

She also admitted that she did feel insecure about her parenting and had taken it personally , she does as a rule make everything about herself.

She and I both agreed it had been a shame it had gotten to the point in our relationship that I had broken away. I didn't handle everything well at all but she admitted it wouldn't have changed until I really held the boundary. She had stopped commenting by ds2 ,but she hadn't stopped thinking about it or commenting behind my back.

The strict boundaries stopped her saying it to me by ds2 and the NC for a time made her reevaluate her behaviour.

I am sad it was like that but boundaries and a shut down for us was the only thing that worked. Mollifying them did nothing but encourage them

It’s annoying but just ignore them. My mum was the same, lots of PA comments about how it was amazing I survived being weaned at 4 months old/living with my dad who smoked etc.

YANBU- I feel your pain, DD is almost 6 months and my DM constantly coming back at me with things I apparently did/ had and was fine. I did snap a few weeks ago and it eased for a little but a few comments again lately. Mainly over sleep and my plans for BLW 🤯

God Op, your mother sounds really nasty. She shouldn’t be undermining you like this. A bit part of me would just walk out with the child each time she started. Maybe that’ll teach her to keep her trap shut

My dad is a bit like this but even more old school. He told me off for picking up my son when he cried as a baby (because “he’ll get too used to it”), for not giving him sweets and chocolate and ice cream (because I eat them myself), for buying my daughter a toy car for Christmas (because “girls should have dolls”), for letting my son as a 2 year old joke about kissing another boy (because “it’s disgusting”). I just reply that he did what he thought was best for his children, and we are doing are the same with ours.

Oh yeah he also says “Give him a smack!” whenever the toddler is crying about something. I just say “We don’t do that”.

OP my DM is the same. I got criticised for everything, even how I was holding him. She had a view on everything and sent me pages of emails, used to call me in the early days when I was sleep deprived with a list of things she needed to discuss, eg demanding a step by step recounting of how I change a nappy, with her telling me in great detail how to do it correctly etc. These calls would take an hour. Nothing I did was right. No medical advice was correct as they don't know what they are talking about.

I had to put in very firm boundaries, stop answering her questions and respond with eg "I'm doing it how the professionals have advised", get really cross with her when she kept on interfering, and in the end went NC. I warned her this would happen but she said it was her duty to correct me and if it means I go NC then so be it.

You need to put strong boundaries in place and just because they ask a question, doesn't mean you have to answer in great detail!

@KleinBlue Why not recognise that your adult children... raise their own children as they see fit without your preference for the childrearing techniques of yore? I am recognising that. I said "But I hope I can hold those thoughts in if and when I become a grandmother."

I don't think I'm being condescending to young people to ask them to bear in mind what their parents may be thinking and why.

@MereDintofPandiculation your children will know far far far better than you what it is to be a parent in the 2020's At the moment they don't. And while they've got only toddlers, my knowledge of rearing school age children will be greater than theirs, simply because I have successfully raised school age children and they haven't yet.

but it's perhaps not quite as subtle about thinking you're superior to parents of your child's generation as you'd want to be. You're reading what you want to into it. What I was saying was - although many posters on think of MILs in particular and "older generation" in general as being concerned only about people doing everything "their way" and remember that, however old you are, you are still a mother to your children, you still the same concern for their welfare and that of their children. It doesn't go away.

Well it's not oversharing if Op's mum is suggesting things out of the blue!

I didn't give mine rusks, no particular reason why-maybe they seemed old fashioned, but equally, my parents didn't suggest/insist that I did!

As a pp put, why do people get so defensive/upset when their kids don't want to do the same for their kids?

Especially over sugary baby food!

Didn't it used to be a thing to rub alcohol onto gums when teething or but baby rice in milk so that a baby would go longer between feeds?

And what a horrible remark about who will you feel if your kid does differently to you?

I think some parents just want to feel that they are an expert in something (i.e. parenting) and feel a bit slighted when you don’t recognise or accept their expertise. When our son was born, my MIL kept trying to tell us things we already knew and seemed a bit disappointed when we said we already knew them.

Urgh so annoying. Having a child made me realise how freely my own DM offered her opinions. I became very stern. I knew that I wasn’t going to put up with it indefinitely, and if I kept quiet I would eventually EXPLODE. So I just shut it down every single time. It’s been very good for my assertiveness actually!

The allergy thing is worrying. Agree with reaping that a HCP has diagnosed it. I also wouldn't leave them alone together in case they decide to "prove you wrong" and slip LO something with milk in.

"I think some parents just want to feel that they are an expert in something (i.e. parenting) and feel a bit slighted when you don’t recognise or accept their expertise."

Strange, isn't it?

Mind you, I've always felt that I'm "winging it" & they've turned out OK more by luck than judgement!

It's defensiveness. When it was announced on the radio that smoking in cars with children was being banned, my mum immediately started insisting it wasn't seen as a big deal when we were kids, she wouldn't have done it if she'd known how dangerous it was, etc. even though I hadn't said anything. Some grandmothers pressure their daughters or daughters-in-law to give up breastfeeding at the first hurdle, because they see it as a personal attack on their own parenting style. They think, "Oh shit, if she's going to all that effort to avoid giving formula then she must think I'm a rubbish mum for formula-feeding her." It's natural for people to get defensive about their own choices, even decades later.

Stop running your decisions past your parents - it's none of their business.

When you involve people in so much and inform them of your decisions, especially if you feel the need to defend or explain those decisions. Then you just invite their opinions.
We do get a lot off MIL but she's very good at understanding when I say how much advice has changed and we do have so much more information now. But I also dont bother discussing everything. Especially things that people have strong opinions on. Our kid will have a delayed vaccine schedule. I'm not interested in anyone opinions so I dont invite conversation about it.

[quote MereDintofPandiculation]**@KleinBlue* Why not recognise that your adult children... raise their own children as they see fit without your preference for the childrearing techniques of yore?* I am recognising that. I said "But I hope I can hold those thoughts in if and when I become a grandmother."

I don't think I'm being condescending to young people to ask them to bear in mind what their parents may be thinking and why.

@MereDintofPandiculation your children will know far far far better than you what it is to be a parent in the 2020's At the moment they don't. And while they've got only toddlers, my knowledge of rearing school age children will be greater than theirs, simply because I have successfully raised school age children and they haven't yet.

but it's perhaps not quite as subtle about thinking you're superior to parents of your child's generation as you'd want to be. You're reading what you want to into it. What I was saying was - although many posters on think of MILs in particular and "older generation" in general as being concerned only about people doing everything "their way" and remember that, however old you are, you are still a mother to your children, you still the same concern for their welfare and that of their children. It doesn't go away.[/quote]
I'm on my phone so I can't seem to crop the part of the quote I'm referring to but I am afraid the reality is you haven't (unless you are doing so now) raise a DC through school in 2020.

My dm has my respect for admitting this (finally). She recently commented as I have cousins with similar aged children in Wales and she was discussing how different it was in school now for both my dc and my cousins dc.

My dm raised us through school both in the US and here. She actually is vocal now about how different things are.

So in reality you are no more knowledgeable than they are.

There are things I would have asked if I'd been able to but if my dm had said she had successfully raised a child through school and I hadn't, I absolutely would not have trusted her with any queries because she would have shown she thought she knew it all from a system 20 years previously.

I get what you are saying but school when my dm raised me is vastly different to now, and will be different again when or if my DC have children on school. It's not necessarily comparable.

It’s strange for humans to have products that comes from a cow tit anyway. Most people are intolerant.

I can relate. Remember certain relative thinking I was precious because I didn't want my six month old to have processed sugary food. And also thought I was a killjoy for not allowing (adult) bubble bath. Doctor had advised against any bath product due to eczema. Even fragrance free baby stuff.

Why cant people let the parents decide what's best for their baby

MereDintofPandiculation

But you are being condescending- you firmly believe that you naturally have superior knowledge because your adult children will always be one step behind you in their child rearing. Can’t you understand that perhaps you did not do everything perfectly or your adult children might simply be better at certain aspects of child rearing than you? You are still a mother but your role is to support your adult children in gaining confidence as parents- that means understanding that they are rational, intelligent adults able to make their own evidence-based decisions. Not treating them like ignorant children or worse, trying to ‘compete’ with them to show them how much more ‘knowledgeable’ you are...

I had this a bit with MIL. It came from a good place and I tried to keep that in mind. She meant well , and at least she was bothered instead of some of the disinterested GPs I hear about. I had to ask her not to use a pillow in the cot, and tell her about cot death campaigns, repeat about peanut allergy more than once, and eat numerous easter eggs/sweets etc myself (from 4 months old). She insists on giving all tghe grandkids a "party" for their birthday in her house (basically a load of junk food, a cake and some party poppers etc) even when they are having a party of their own in their own house or at an indoor play centre etc. Ours are older now but she gets all uppity when you don't attend the "parties" of the younger grandkids, even though you have already been to the birthday boy/girl's house and given them their present there. It's odd. One time, at one of my kids' 4th birthday, she actually brought a second birthday cake round to our house where we were holding his party (and had obviously sorted a cake out). I had no idea why they did that. Did they not think we would already have a cake here for his party?!

After that I just learned to take wahtever was offered, say thanks, and then put it aside and ignore it.

I honestly think it was because their whole life involved around bringing up a family in the 70s and 80s. The women didnt' tend to work full time, so they saw parenting as their job, and themselves as an expert, particularly in a bigger family. So they are keen to pass on their "expertise".

Develop a thick skin. If they get offended at you doing something your own way with your OWN child (they forget that it's not theirs!), then that's their lookout. No need to fall out over it, or feel defensive. Just be firm and assertive and change the subject.

Your last post makes me think your Mum is just a very toxic person. MY Mum is tricky but I can't imagine her saying something like that to me about my DC!

Stop telling them stuff.

Else ask your DH to tell them to stop. It's constant criticism -they didn't have seat belts in their day either etc.

Just tell them to stop.

And while they've got only toddlers, my knowledge of rearing school age children will be greater than theirs, simply because I have successfully raised school age children and they haven't yet.

Disagree with this. For several reasons. 1. Times and advice and society expectations have changed, 2. Your children are different to their children and will need different parenting, 3. There is no single right way and they will have different preferences to you about how to do things, e.g. different acceptable standards of behaviour, and 4. It was a long time ago and you've probably forgotten a lot of it. All you know is a rose tinted memory of how you did it, not what is actually best and much less what someone else wants for their child.

You probably know a few handy things such as how to get stains out of clothes or maybe remember a few old songs or books or games that you can tell them about. Perhaps you have craft or cooking skills you can share with grandchildren. But advice on virtually every important thing from diet to potty training to discipline to education has changed so much that, whilst you may have some alternative insight, you would be probably be wrong to imagine there's anything strictly parenting related that you know better than them.

Hopefully from their own upbringing they know about things like providing a clean safe home, regular meals, sheets on the bed, sending them to school, so that sort of advice isn't needed.

Most of the unwanted advice that people complain about is old people not having a clue such as advising breast feeding only every 4 hours or wanting to turn a child forward facing in the car at 9 months old or wean at 4 months etc or give them a smack or ignore their allergies or leave them to cry etc.

What specific things do you know about raising a child that are 1. Still the same as 30 years ago, 2. Are not pretty obvious and 3. Are actually important and not a matter of personal preference?