Parents offended at my choices

[NC4THISS]

I know I am probably BU here, NC’d.

DC is 6mo and every decision me and DH make about them seems to cause offence to our DF/Ms and I just don’t know why.

Sometimes medial things like whether to give them rusks, I don’t want to, they did and then I’m thrown a barrage of ‘oh well it didn’t do you any harm, we didn’t have that google in our day we just had to actually learn’. What am I doing wrong for every choice to make them feel like it’s a personal attack on their parenting. It’s not I just say what we’re doing and why I’ve come to that decision and it strikes a nerve.

Today has made me upset, maybe I’m more hormonal than usual. Told last week DC has CMPA HV has referred us to dietician. Told DF and family today so they don’t buy me/us and milk related produce for Christmas and DF just replied with lots of other reasons Dc could have a rash. As if I’d just woken up this morning and chosen today and decided he’s allergic to something. I realise that’s different but it just adds to the parents debacle.

What to we do? AIBU to be frustrated at them constantly taking offence at every choice we make? Or was it just different in their day and they feel threatened that we don’t ask them for advice often/at all.

We have exactly the same with both my DM and MIL, both well meaning but constantly criticising every tiny decision. It’s so exhausting trying to navigate doing what we want as well as trying not to offend them. My DD is 3 months and they’re already on my case about giving her rusks and baby rice. I tried to justify all my decisions at the beginning but now just say, “that’s not recommended anymore as it’s changed” or “we’re not planning on that” or “this is what we’re doing” when they bring it up. The funniest part (or worst depending on how you look at it!) is the fact that I am a HV so not like I am oblivious to weaning and the like! I am BF and have an oversupply of milk, yet always get comments like she will be needing baby rice because I won’t have enough milk. Just disengage - what they don’t know, they can’t comment on.

Use a polite but firm 'No thank you, we're doing this instead' or 'Thanks but we know what we're doing' If they continue to push or go as far as to overrule you and do something to your LO that you don't agree with or is unsafe, firmly say 'No.' You don't have to explain why it's wrong if you've already given that polite warning to stop. You need to be firm now or this will continue and you won't feel safe having your child in their company. Remember as you child's parents you know what is best (Along with health professionals of course) and you are well within your rights to be harsh to your DParents to keep your LO safe. Good luck OP

My MIL did this, referred back to her baby book for Dh, who was born mid 1970s. I said things have changed a bit since then like seat belts being compulsory in the backs of cars and also car seats for babies.

I said everything has moved on from 30 years ago. We are taking the latest advice from experts in the field of child rearing just like you did at the time.

Why are you running your choices past them? None of their business.

In my experience there are a lot of people for whom the most important thing in their lives is to be right, even when it makes them and everyone else unhappy. They also tend to be very competitive as though they have to win the best parent prize, even though it's completely irrelevant .Could this be the case here? I would share the bare minimum about your parenting and be as brief as possible in your responses, whilst being clear that you are making the decisions about your child.

OP... I'm on my THIRD child and my mum still complains that I don't give her a pacifier ignore, breathe, move on. "Keep calm and carry on" kind of applies here!!

Had this with parents too, my parents soon accepted what we did but MIL took much longer. The shock on my parents' faces the first time DH took DS to the bathroom to change his nappy when I was in the room and available to do it, was something to behold!

My MIL seemed to think was an affront to her parenting skills if we did something different to the way she had done it, whereas it was because times had changed or we found the way we did things worked for us. We also had CPMA to contend with. MIL's reaction was 'who has ever heard of anyone being allergic to cow's milk'. I never trusted her to feed DS without us being around as she just didn't accept it. Luckily DS grew out of it, then of course 'he obviously didn't have it then did he". Few months later another relative's child was diagnosed with it and then MIL became the fount of all knowledge and kept telling us of all the substitute foods this relative had to buy eg 'they even had to buy special margarine'. Yes MIL we know, because that is what we had to do. She is much better now, but did take a few years. You do get used to not telling them things, or think before you say anything just in case they get upset or criticise you.

God. With the milk allergy, you really need to be assertive. Everything else, it's pick your battles. We've all had to smile and nod a bit at advice from parents of a different generation, and no doubt they had to do the same in their day. Not all grandparents are like that, so it's easy to feel undermined if you get a double dose. Have faith in yourself.

I think you need to put up some more boundaries about what you tell them and what you will allow them to comment on.

Just be firm - "thanks, but we do it this way" - that should be the end of the discussion. Just simply don't be open to talking about this stuff, end the conversation. If they push it, reiterate "we are doing it our way". They should get the message, if not just explain that you find their comments overbearing and if they continue you will have to see them less because it's stressing you out. You have enough to deal with figuring this out the way you want to do it without them butting in!

Print out some NHS info explaining everything they need to know about CMPA and send it to them with a non=confrontational message like " We knew nothing about CMPA either , and its been a lot to take in. We got this information from the doctor and thought you might like to read it too. At least we're on the right track now".

 Parenting methods DO change  a lot from one generation to another. Todays methods are nothing like the  ways my generation were taught to care for our babies . I also recall very clearly ,  as a new mum, arguing with my own mother  whose generation did things in some hopelessly oldfashioned way. Mine knew better, because our methods  were modern and scientific, etc etc.   Funnily enough, many of  my Mum's ways came back into fashion  later. 

I'm sure my generations brilliant parenting tactics will come back into fashion soon (early bed time, for example; or the peaceful bliss of a baby gumming on a Farley's rusk )

I think unfortunately a lot of parents struggle to accept their kids are grown ups and can make their own decisions etc, this especially rears it's head when their kids have kids /they become DGP.

Nows the time to set some boundaries, your house your rules style. Personally I'd be open with them next time something comes up, and say you appreciate it was different in your days etc and we're all just trying to do the best by our kids by what we know at the time (so they don't think everything you do different to them is some sort of attack on them/their parenting) but you are doing x or y. After that, just don't engage or explain yourself unless they are interested in hearing why and learning.

Good luck op!

It depends on the wider relationship with them, I think.

I said to my Mum that I felt undermined when I was trying something (a bedtime regime, for example) and she started saying 'oh pick him up, poor thing' before I had even had a proper go. But I am close to my Mum and I knew it would be OK to say.

Or, when they say 'it was good enough when we did it' etc you could laugh and say "You are right, it WAS good enough - but I bet there were things that your parents suggested that had been replaced with other things by the time I was born! I bet you didn't follow every bit of advice from your parents!"

Or just be direct - say "I/m not criticising your parenting, you know, there's no need to take offence just because I sometimes follow what the HV / GP says".

Watch them like a hawk when you see them with your baby though - they don't sound like the type to take CMPA seriously.

I think this is depressingly common -- my parents are better at hiding it, but my MIL, who is well-meaning but supremely tactless, views every decision DH and I have made as parents (from having one child by choice, me continuing to work, not baptising him or doing first communion, the kind of school we sent DS to, raising him vegetarian, the kinds of activities he does etc etc) as a personal slight on her own parenting decisions. I have no problem being extremely direct, and saying 'Yes, well, it's a long time since you had children' and 'Thankfully we know better now', and DH tells her to poke her beak elsewhere, but I'll admit there have been moments when I've wanted to roar 'Do you really think that having five children you and FIL could in no way afford in two rooms over a shop, and not taking the remotest interest in their education, and pressuring the eldest to leave school early, get jobs and bring home their pay was brilliant parenting???'

But I don't, because she's fundamentally a product of her time, and also from a deprived and dysfunctional background herself, and did what she had to do to get by. Unfortunately, that translates into a lot of 'You don't know you're born' stuff.

Is it their first grandchild? They probably had expectations of helping out, providing advice etc and have been disappointed that they cant.

I think previous generations relied on parents help more and they didnt have as many choices or as much I formation as we do. Gps had a clearer role.

Just pick your battles. Some things like allergies are a big deal, some things wont be a big deal in a few months. I told the gps not to give dc cake but when he started nursery he was served a birthday cake with ice cream and i had to let go of my sugar rules!

Make a point of asking their advice about things and acknowledge they have expertise. You don't have to follow it, but its hurtful to make them feel like they have nothing to offer or they are getting it wrong all the time. That's probably why they are continuing to disagree with you. All parents want to be told they were good at it.

Ask them did they do everything exactly the same way their parents did, or did they follow what the current advice was when they had their own kids?

I know how you feel, my parents took particular issue with us not doing toilet training the way they had. They were really nasty over it. We don't see them as much as we used to, and we don't discuss parenting with them if we can help it.

You should have heard some of the shite I had to put up with from both sides of the family:

Breast-feeding is bad for your DC. You don't know how much milk they are getting.....Well, DC was 6.5KG at 6 weeks. I think he was OK.

You are breastfeeding him wrong (by GPs who didn't ever BF once)....see above response

Let her sleep, don't wake her up (me), I'll feed the baby from the freezer stash..........cue engorged breasts and a trip to the doctors.

Cooking your own food is wrong for your baby. They put good stuff in jars you know?

Chips are potato and they are vegetables too.

Not taking your children to Macdonalds is making them miss out.

You need to keep stuff to yourself and you need to watch Penguins of Madagascar and learn how to smile and wave. Also, I found that saying "umm. Did you. Thats nice. Really. Oh that's interesting" and then stubbornly carrying on with whatever I was doing worked in the end.

One thing that I learnt is that just because GPs have had DC that doesn't mean they have a clue. Many don't. If a professional says you are doing alright, listen to them.

I always find it frustrating on threads like these, that some people feel the need to have a dig at the OP for 'oversharing' or similar.

There is no hint that the OP is doing any such thing (in fact she wonders if her parents feel threatened because she doesn't ask their advice 'often/at all').

OP, have you ever talked to them about what their relationship with their parents/PILs was like when you/your partner were babies? For me that was quite helpful. My mum hated the way my dad's dad always told her she was wrong about everything, and talking about it helped both of us to understand better. IME it's really common for new mums to feel criticised by older family, so there's a fair chance it's something your mum or your MIL experienced herself.

That said, some people you just cannot change. My DD is rising four and MIL is still banging on about how she never needed to take 'chemicals' during pregnancy (folic acid), how DP weaned at four weeks and learned to read practically in utero. DD is now quite old enough to come out with things like 'what is Granny B angry about?' and put her on the spot.

1. Stop telling them everything.

1. Next time they suggest something tell them things have moved on a bit since their day. If they insist on taking offence remind them that you are the parents and you make the decisions.

They're going to continue to do this until you make it stop.

Some really good advice coming my way thanks.

I’m going to practice my stern responses.

Good point regarding cmpa and them looking after DC I hadn’t considered that yet, I think I’ll gather some info on it and make sure they read it!

My twins have CMPA. They recently had soy milk in a recipe made by someone else (none of us had any idea they were allergic as we don’t give it and they don’t react to soy in bread etc) - two days of DT2 screaming in pain and shitting for England, poos burning the skin off his bum and DT1 still covered in eczema over a week later when he had clear skin before.

It’s so important that your family understand how poorly a reaction can make them, and if they won’t understand then they can’t be in a situation where they can give food to your baby. End of story. People think that because it’s not anaphylaxis it doesn’t matter but it’s absolutely miserable for them.

The difficulty with non IgE allergies as well as if your child is there for an afternoon and they sneak them a bit of chocolate, they won’t see the reaction immediately - it will hit that night / the next morning and then that reinforces to people that it’s not real. So you have to explain very carefully.

@NC4THISS

Ah crap, maybe it’s how I’ve worded the OP sorry *@Aquamarine1029* you're running the decisions you and your husband make by them anyway we’re not really, DM would ask why don’t we get DC some rusks and then I’d go on to explain no and why I don’t want to.

I don't like rusks either. My dd got some front teeth fairly early, bit a lump of rusk off, tried to swallow it but it got stuck and she turned blue. I have never been so frightened in my life.

You're the parents at the end of the day - you make the decisions for the child. My MiL was very interfering when my DS was born. Especially regarding BF, weaning, what time i should be putting him to bed, how often he should nap.... This all being over the phone to my DH as god forbid she would actually visit as too busy with DGD and SiL. You listen and let it go in one ear and out the other. In the end I have told my inlaws that if i want advice regarding anything in life I will ask for it.

Fortunately I don’t have much of this with parents or in laws, but on the odd occasion we do disagree my response is ‘my child, my rules’. You don’t have to explain.