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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not bother with “friend”

79 replies

Purplelemon7 · 07/12/2020 12:36

Who hasn’t ever made any effort to see my two kids who were born over the last few years but wants me to come over for dinner with my DH now to see her new place? She was a close friend and lives 20 mins away from me and doesn’t hate kids or anything. Sent me messages to congratulate me on their births and said she would let me know when she could visit both times but never did. My eldest is going to be two soon.

OP posts:
TeddyBeans · 07/12/2020 12:41

The problem with kids is people aren't friends with them. They're friends with you and you're not the same person you were before having kids. You'd probably take them to meet said friend and this would probably limit what you and your friend would usually do together.

This is noones fault, it's just par the course. Your friend is just wanting to show off what she has now which doesn't interest you, whether that's because of how she's treated you because of your children or not, is also noones fault.

I couldn't be mad either way tbh.

Original poster
Purplelemon7 · 07/12/2020 12:46

@TeddyBeans I agree and I’m ok with friendships ending when circumstances change. That’s what I thought had happened in this case. But I feel if she expects me to take an interest in her life she should have done the same for me? If she has visited me with my kids just once even for 30 mins I wouldn’t now be thinking twice about it accepting this dinner invitations

OP posts:
Uptide · 07/12/2020 12:47

She's inviting you for dinner. I would say that is her being friendly. I think YABU to not bother with her.

Or is there more to this? If this is just about your children, then I think YABU. Like TeddyBeans says, you will be different now to how you were before you had your children. Children change friendships, it's just the way it goes. Have you actually invited her to your home to meet your children? It may be that she was waiting for an invitation.

clolo · 07/12/2020 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintjulia · 07/12/2020 12:52

Someone is offering you free supper, a change in conversation and a night off the DCs. After months in lockdown, that sounds quite good to me. Why would you mind?

Take some photos of the DCs, turn it into a general catch-up, be admiring of her new house, and remind yourself why you used to like her. If it falls flat, you haven't lost anything, just don't go again.

HolyBuckets · 07/12/2020 12:52

Hmm. How much effort have you made with her over the last couple of years?

MatildaTheCat · 07/12/2020 12:54

Have you actually invited her over for dinner or anything? She quite possibly thinks you are busy with the children and also quite possibly isn’t terribly interested in them.

Go to dinner and show her a maximum of 2 photos. Talk about all sorts and try not to talk only about your DC. Hopefully it will respark your friendship.

Also there are many reasons some people find being around babies very difficult. That doesn’t mean she can’t be your friend.

Jobsharenightmare · 07/12/2020 12:56

I think it works both ways and just because you have had kids doesn't mean she has to get to know them, you're her friend not them. So I don't think she is unreasonable but equally you don't have to go. It isn't clear if you ever actually invited her or suggested you spend any time together (without the kids).

Original poster
Purplelemon7 · 07/12/2020 12:58

I gave her an open invitation with both of them. Told her I was home most days so she just needed to give me a day that suited her and I would make sure we were around. She said she would let me know and never did. I initiated WhatsApp chats with her several times after. I think on one or two occasions she did mention that she was meant to come around but had been busy and would let me know.

OP posts:
FestiveChristmasLights · 07/12/2020 13:00

So many people don’t like others people’s children or else don’t want a friendship with them as a whole. I think YABU.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 07/12/2020 13:02

She wants you to enthuse over bricks and mortar but didn't give any efforts for your real life babies? I would give her a big swerve. Lack of babysitter a great excuse..

Original poster
Purplelemon7 · 07/12/2020 13:03

Why would you not like someone you have never met? She likes children. I’ve seen her around children of other friends we have had and she’s always spoken off them very fondly to me. I don’t think it’s a dislike of children.

OP posts:
PrincessConsuelaBH · 07/12/2020 13:03

@Purplelemon7 could be way off the mark but is there a possibility that she's having problems regarding having children of her own? It may have been to painful to come and visit you to see your babies, but she feels comfortable inviting just you and your DH to their space. I don't think you mentioned whether she has DC or not.

HolyBuckets · 07/12/2020 13:05

It's tricky. Some people are really not interested in being around kids.

Have you suggested meeting up in an adult scenario without the kids? Coffee, or a couple of glass of wine out?

In my group of friends (all late 30s) there are a few couples who do not have children and are really not interested in being around them. So they arrange pub lunches etc that we all go to, and sometimes those with kids get babysitters or they don't come.

Those with kids do kids things together at different times.

Longwhiskers14 · 07/12/2020 13:05

I wouldn't bother. If you haven't seen her for more than two years and she's never met your kids and you're already simmering with resentment about that, it could end up being a really awkward evening. Life's too short to spend time with people you've grown apart from.

itchyfinger · 07/12/2020 13:08

Kids are a bit boring if they aren't yours.

Mintjulia · 07/12/2020 13:08

Does she work, while you are currently a sahm? Weekend time is much more busy when someone only has 2 days off a week.

madcatladyforever · 07/12/2020 13:08

I don't want to see my friends who have young grandchildren, I'll visit when they aren't there . I'm not keen on small children.
Sounds like she isn't either.
Why don't you take a break from the kids and go and see her on your own. Not everyone wants to be around children.

MatildaTheCat · 07/12/2020 13:08

I don’t think people take open invitations seriously. It’s a bit like, ‘we must have lunch sometime.’

If I want to see someone I get out my diary. Which is, in fact, what she’s doing now.

ILoveYoga · 07/12/2020 13:09

Agree with others, friendship is a 2 way street. You need to make effort too

I also have to tell you, I’ve had children, now grown. I’ve had friends who had children same time (ish) and we did things that had shared interest regarding our children. Other friends that didn’t have children and we did non -children things. Not everyone is keen to have children in all things they do, some may and some may find talk about kids just boring

This doesn’t make them bad people. The same could be said if someone just kept talking about golf, football or what yoga classes they’re doing (I don’t talk about yoga that I that just love, love, love because for many it’s just wooo or simply boring).

So your friend inviting you over for dinner is fo attempt to reconnect with you as an adult for adult conversation and company not surrounded by children or children talk.

Go, enjoy.

HMSBeagle · 07/12/2020 13:10

It depends solely if you want to catch up with her.

I had a friend who practically gousted me, I met up with her after a few years and discovered I no longer liked her very much as she told me how she had alienated her db, sil, and mil since I last saw her as she had screamed at her sil.

I was just left wondering why i hadn't seen the side of her that picked people up and discarded them as her meeds changed.

You might rekindle a friendship but with your eyes open that she isnt someone who invests or you get proper closure.

It's not all on her terms just because you had kids, you can walk away too for whatever reason you see fit.

BasinHaircut · 07/12/2020 13:13

Seems like neither of you have made any effort with this friendship over the past 2 years. You have both done a bit of ‘oh yes let’s meet up’ lip service but not actually made any real effort.

She has reached out, if you don’t feel the friendship is worth another shot just decline.

Simples

Original poster
Purplelemon7 · 07/12/2020 13:14

I just want to say people who think I would expect her to come on kiddy dates every time I see her are wrong. I know that could be boring. I would have thought she would have come just once. She’s not looking to have kids at the moment as she’s not in a serious relationship. If the shoe was on the other foot I would have asked my friend to meet her kid first and then invited her over for an adult only dinner.

OP posts:
grapewine · 07/12/2020 13:17

@MatildaTheCat

I don’t think people take open invitations seriously. It’s a bit like, ‘we must have lunch sometime.’

If I want to see someone I get out my diary. Which is, in fact, what she’s doing now.

Yes. Open invitations are a bit shit and get forgotten, in my experience. If you want to see her go to the dinner. Otherwise, let the friendship slide. YABU for ending a friendship because she hasn't met your children. Some people don't want to spend time their friends' children.
Lonoxo · 07/12/2020 13:19

I wouldn’t bother. Having a child is an important life event just like buying a house. I would expect a close friend who lived reasonably close by to visit soon-ish after a baby is born. She might not want to be friends with your child, fair enough, but she should be interested in your life.

As an aside, I’m not an animal person but I know how important people’s cats/dogs are to them so I try to show an interest in their pets because they are my friends, not because I care about pets in general.