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Original poster

Do I tell DP he's bought me the wrong one?

125 replies

ThursdayAlready2 · 07/12/2020 09:28

DP and I went Christmas shopping on Saturday. I was hoping for a bracelet for Christmas, and we went to a jewellers and looked together. I picked out two that I really liked, then left DP to it, to make the final decision.

I had quick peep yesterday, and he’s bought the wrong one ……. The item he purchased similar-ish to the two I liked, and ironically quite a bit more expensive, but it’s not something I would really wear? So on Christmas morning do I feign delight, or do I ask him if he’s kept the receipt??? It’s an incredibly generous gift, but not quite what I wanted! DP is lovely and the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings.

OP posts:
EmilySpinach · 07/12/2020 15:35

I would love to see the bracelets, btw Smile

Martinisarebetterdirty · 07/12/2020 15:38

Just tell him. Either now and confess to peeking, or Christmas Day. Please don’t keep and wear jewellery you don’t love to save his feelings.

InTropicalTrumpsLand · 07/12/2020 15:40

Oooh, I'd love a picture of the one he got you.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 07/12/2020 15:41

Why would you wait till Christmas day. That surely makes it worse to let him know you’re disappointed. Since this was never a surprise and you actually chose the bracelet(s) then I’d let him know you’ve seen it.

Bluesheep8 · 09/12/2020 06:58

You CAN wait til Christmas day though. You open it saying "oooh it'll be such a lovely surprise to see which one you chose out of the two I showed you, I would love either and it's so lovely that you chose which one....Oh, it's neither...."

BlackCatShadow · 09/12/2020 08:21

@Bluesheep8

You CAN wait til Christmas day though. You open it saying "oooh it'll be such a lovely surprise to see which one you chose out of the two I showed you, I would love either and it's so lovely that you chose which one....Oh, it's neither...."
That’s the sort of weird, passive aggressive thing my Ex used to do. It’s obvious and annoying. It’s better just to be honest and open about things.
Bluesheep8 · 09/12/2020 08:45

That’s the sort of weird, passive aggressive thing my Ex used to do. It’s obvious and annoying. It’s better just to be honest and open about things.

I don't see what's weird or passive aggressive about that.
She showed him 2 bracelets and asked him to choose one of the two.
Given that she's expecting one of the two bracelets, isn't it weirder to need to peek to check?
I'd say it's more annoying that the DP has completely ignored what she said and wasted a lot of money on something she doesn't even want.

OhGingleBells · 09/12/2020 08:48

Can you get someone else involved? MIL or a sibling or good friend? You could brief them and then they could speak to your DP and just say “What have you got ThursdayAlready2 for Christmas she was telling me all about these bracelets and how much she loved [insert detail] - which one did you get?” And then this other person could remind him of the long return dates and encourage him to take it back and do a swap.

WhyDoYouAsk · 09/12/2020 08:51

Ugh. He didn’t buy either of the bracelets you said you liked and chose a third, more expensive one... Would posturing be the right word here?
A ‘kind’ gesture on the surface but ultimately designed to impress.

EmilySpinach · 09/12/2020 08:51

@Bluesheep8

You CAN wait til Christmas day though. You open it saying "oooh it'll be such a lovely surprise to see which one you chose out of the two I showed you, I would love either and it's so lovely that you chose which one....Oh, it's neither...."
This might the worst advice I’ve ever seen on MN. Horribly passive-aggressive.
Bluesheep8 · 09/12/2020 09:30

This might the worst advice I’ve ever seen on MN. Horribly passive-aggressive.

Wow. Right, ok then so I guess you all think op should say the following:
"I pointed out two bracelets and asked you to choose one so that it was still a surprise. I then felt the need to check what you had chosen (spoiling the surprise) and saw that you had chosen a completely different one. Actually there was one of the two that I preferred so please could you get that one?" Confused

caperplips · 09/12/2020 09:51

MN is such a weird place and I sometimes think its no wonder so many marriages end in divorce!

Why is there an assumption that the dh had nefarious motives and was 'posturing' or 'tying to impress', or all the other things he's been accused of...

The OP has not said that he has a history of controlling her, or ignoring her wishes...perhaps he genuinely thought he was doing a nice thing for her and buying a more expensive piece of jewellery?

Only the OP knows what his motive is likely to be and she has been unforthcoming.

I feel sorry for him.

EmilySpinach · 09/12/2020 10:02

@Bluesheep8

This might the worst advice I’ve ever seen on MN. Horribly passive-aggressive.

Wow. Right, ok then so I guess you all think op should say the following:
"I pointed out two bracelets and asked you to choose one so that it was still a surprise. I then felt the need to check what you had chosen (spoiling the surprise) and saw that you had chosen a completely different one. Actually there was one of the two that I preferred so please could you get that one?" Confused

I understand that you mean this as biting sarcasm but it would be a genuinely healthy way to deal with the situation. OP had already chosen two bracelets so there was only ever 50% of a surprise to spoil.

There would be little need for a Relationships board if more couples felt able to use their words more often.

BrumBoo · 09/12/2020 10:16

I also think MN is a weird place, and full of internalised misogyny. The op was more than fair, her partner still had a choice of gift to get, he only had to choose between two bracelets for goodness sake. Yet the OP should be grateful that he's showing his love by spending more on an item she hadn't chosen, rather than be quite rightly wondering why he didn't listen. It's such bullshit to try and excuse it as 'oh a woman obviously wouldn't say right out she wanted something more expensive, how lovely of him to assume to spend more!'. Lkke a woman can't really make up her mind on something or actually just want a cheaper product Hmm. Now there's going to be nothing but disappointment all round, all he had to do was choose between two sodding bracelets to avoid it.

I would say something now, @ThursdayAlready2. Otherwise Xmas day will just be you stressing over doing a 'pretend I didn't know it was wrong already then be gracious but also be clear it's wrong' face. Life is too short. Either be clear you happened across it and it's not the right one at all, and ask to be listened to in future, or do what the pp said and 'decide' you actually had a preference and can he please exchange if needed.

Original poster
ThursdayAlready2 · 09/12/2020 10:16

I don't think DP has any strange motives or agenda - he's just been a typical bloke and got confused. And I just wanted to know the best way out of this without hurting his feelings.

OP posts:
caperplips · 09/12/2020 10:24

I just don't think I would like to live with such a militant approach to buying and receiving gifts, but each to their own.
The OP has now said that she does not think her DP had an agenda to not buying the bracelet she selected.
Personally I don't think the OP should have been snooping in the presents before Christmas as all it has led to is a load of angst for her.
If she had waited and been given the present, and if it was a genuine mistake that he bought the wrong one, then all of that could have been dealt with straight after Christmas by exchanging it. Opening the present ahead of time has led to her now stewing on how to handle it.

OP if you really believe he has made a mistake, why can't you just say it to him?

BrumBoo · 09/12/2020 10:26

@ThursdayAlready2

I don't think DP has any strange motives or agenda - he's just been a typical bloke and got confused. And I just wanted to know the best way out of this without hurting his feelings.
I'm sure he is lovely and wants to be generous, but please don't make it all about 'poor him' either. He didn't actually listen to you, @ThursdayAlready2. He may have had the best intentions but it was still inconsiderate. It's also a tad sexist to say 'he got confused' - you gave him 2 choices, 2! Dont blame it on 'man brain'.

If he wanted to spend more, then he could have said 'oh you can get something a bit fancier than that', then you could have been clear that it wasn't about money but personal taste. If the roles were reversed, and you were buying him (for example) a watch - would you go with the few options he gave you, or decide you knew his taste better? Because unless you really know each inside out, personal taste is just a minefield to get right. To give suggestions and still go off and buy something different, I personally find that a bit rude.

Original poster
ThursdayAlready2 · 09/12/2020 10:29

I don't think there was any ill-intent on DPs part. We looked a dozens of bracelets. I honestly think he made a genuine mistake. There are some real man-haters around at the moment.

OP posts:
BrumBoo · 09/12/2020 10:38

@ThursdayAlready2

I don't think there was any ill-intent on DPs part. We looked a dozens of bracelets. I honestly think he made a genuine mistake. There are some real man-haters around at the moment.
And there goes any sympathy I had for you. Geez, you went snooping, you act like a pushover by you feeling bad for him not making the right choice and avoid him having 'hurt feelings' for not being able to choose between 2 sodding bracelets, then decided other people are being 'mean to the poor men for having confused brains over lady presents'?

Enjoy a lifetime of him getting things just a bit wrong, whilst you tiptoe around and feel sorry for him rather than just talk to him about listening to you. There's a million threads on MN about wives who feel their husbands spend more than they think of personal value on gifts, perhaps if they had just been clear from early on that they have particular likes and tastes then their 'poor husbands' may not spend a lifetime thinking the more you spend, the nicer the gift.

CorianderQueen · 09/12/2020 11:24

I'd tell him now. My DP would rather get it sorted (and save the extra cash)

WelliesWithHeels · 09/12/2020 11:56

@ThursdayAlready2

I don't think there was any ill-intent on DPs part. We looked a dozens of bracelets. I honestly think he made a genuine mistake. There are some real man-haters around at the moment.
Maybe he made a mistake, maybe he didn't. It is within the realm of possibility that he took on board what you liked best, but then picked something he thought was that plus a little more. I'd maybe cool it with accusing others of "man hating" when you feel the need to peek at/monitor what your DP has chosen for you and when you dictate that it is wrong chalk it up to him being "confused." You may be pleasantly surprised on Christmas morning or you may still prefer a different bracelet. Either is fine (since you have clarified that you can exchange through the end of January). But I think peeking ahead of time and then ruining and controlling what was meant to be a surprise gift might not be the best course.
Chickenwing · 09/12/2020 12:03

I wouldnt be able to tell him. I'd say thank you, feign delight and wear it.

CorianderBlues · 09/12/2020 13:07

@ThursdayAlready2

I don't think there was any ill-intent on DPs part. We looked a dozens of bracelets. I honestly think he made a genuine mistake. There are some real man-haters around at the moment.
Loving the people telling you you're wrong about your own DH, and over something he's not even aware he's got wrong. They will only be happy once you've been brainwashed in to thinking he's cheating or something, and have made his Christmas hell.
ThanksItHasPockets · 09/12/2020 20:53

"I pointed out two bracelets and asked you to choose one so that it was still a surprise. I then felt the need to check what you had chosen (spoiling the surprise) and saw that you had chosen a completely different one. Actually there was one of the two that I preferred so please could you get that one?"

It’s a little alarming that this was meant to be sarcastic but is probably the best advice on the thread.

BlackCatShadow · 09/12/2020 23:50

I would just say something like “This is really embarrassing and I hope you’re not upset but I was really curious which of the 2 bracelets you got me, so I peeked and then realized you didn’t get me either one. I hope you’re not offended but while it’s a lovely bracelet, it’s not really my style. Would you mind changing it?” A decent bloke would just laugh and say of course I don’t mind.

I once knew a bloke who organized a surprise holiday for his wife. It was a self-catering cottage in the countryside. She asked him if he’d mind switching to a city break at a hotel because she didn’t want to spend her holiday cooking and cleaning. He was utterly furious. I always thought he was an utter prick for that. In the end, she had to go along with the cottage and pretend she was thrilled because he valued his ego more than her happiness.

Like I said, a decent bloke would just want to see a beautiful smile on his wife’s face on Christmas.

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