Should I be bothered that MIL offered DIL man's coat that would have fitted my DH?

[being40]

I've posted before about how MIL didn't tell us she planned to move in with SIL and giving her £500k in the process so I'm a bit sensitive to things.
Today SIL turns up with MIL to do a socially distanced birthday with DH - SIL who has put in some weight during lockdown (she bought a peloton but didn't use it - or rather MIL's money bought the peloton) turns up in a massive coat.
It was my dad's she says.
This coat would have fitted DH - as in her brother his son.
I check the coat - it looks quite new (he passed away 2 years ago this week) and it says North Face.
Online these coats cost £300 - am I right to be annoyed for my DH. Tell me I'm just being unreasonable and bothering about nothing.
I've got enough work/study/housework and two children to worry about!

OP, how much did your in-laws give you so you could buy your house, and did you end up taking money off your MIL to extend?

£500k is a hell of a lot of money to add on a granny flat. I think YABU op about the coat, but I guess your reaction is on the back of bigger stuff which has gone on. It’s hard when a sibling is favoured over another.

I can understand you being annoyed Op. Obviously it’s not the issue of the actual coat but it’s the act of giving it to her daughter rather than her son when it’s a mans coat. It’s irrelevant whether your husband needs a new one, it’s the principal of the thing. I had a mother in law who always left my dh out (her son), and I used to get hurt on his behalf.

I’m sick of those “she can give money to whoever she wants” type responses. So typical mumsnet. Yes we know she can.... but so bloody what, it’s favouritism, most people would be annoyed about it if they’re honest.

Has she given money though or effectively bought herself somewhere to live?

I have just read your other thread - and you mil gave you money to help buy your house and offered to fund an extension on your house.

It does seem to be a relationship that’s about money - you are your sister in law looking at what each other is getting. I feel sorry for the woman.

And her daughter in law is now angry about a coat. I am afraid if I were her I wouldn’t give you another penny.

@winterberries77

I’m sick of those “she can give money to whoever she wants” type responses. So typical mumsnet. Yes we know she can.... but so bloody what, it’s favouritism, most people would be annoyed about it if they’re honest.

Its not favoritisim. Its paying for her care. She gave that money to SIL for the extension and to pay for her long term elderly care. OP and her husband are not providing this care so why should they be paid for it? Mil jas chosen her daughter to take care of her full time as she ages.

@diddl

Has she given money though or effectively bought herself somewhere to live?

And that’s the crux of the matter, isn’t it? She’s bought herself a place to live and someone to look after her for the rest of her life. If you think your job’s stressful, OP, try looking after a frail old lady singlehanded. If it’s not hard for your sil now, I can assure you it will be.

@Leaaneb Sorry but I think it IS favouritism. Sounds like she wants to hide the fact she wants to treat the daughter, justifying it by saying it’s for health care. That’s why the OPs annoyed, she KNOWS this.

[quote winterberries77]@Leaaneb Sorry but I think it IS favouritism. Sounds like she wants to hide the fact she wants to treat the daughter, justifying it by saying it’s for health care. That’s why the OPs annoyed, she KNOWS this.[/quote]
And how about the MIL giving a significant chunk of cash to OP and her DH so they could buy a home?

My m’n’law was constantly jealous of the family finances in my f’n’law’s family. There was a huge divide in the family and I suspect my m’n’law’s jealousy did not help. A mother gave her daughter her father’s coat. I wear my hubby’s things sometimes. It has nothing at all to do with you. If your hubby has an issue he should raise it with his mum - but his family does not have to justify their financial choices to you.

I'm not worried about inheritance- MIL helped us buy our house and we had planned an extension as we have an outbuilding which we were going to renovate

Oh and MIL got really angry when we tried to sit down and ask her if she had taken legal advice

Unfortunately MIL didn't want to chat about this at all. So thank you for all your advice. She actually started a tantrum when we talked to her claimed we were harassing her. I ended up having relationship with DH compared to SIL with her DH - they are much calmer and speak to each other really quietly.
We will have our extension done I think as DH and MIL want that

This was taken from youre other thread you see an 80 year old woman as a cash cow, you've had money towards youre home and extension. She was happy to move with her daughter, its quite normal for daughters to take on a caring role especially if it comes to personal care. Shes helped youre daughter to provide adequate accommodation for her. Now you begrudge her giving her daughter her husbands coat. She already told you to back off inregards to moving in with her daughter. She didn't throw a tantrum she wanted you both to respect her boundaries this is definitely based on inheritance and money being tied to silk house. You sound like a vulture.

[quote winterberries77]@Leaaneb Sorry but I think it IS favouritism. Sounds like she wants to hide the fact she wants to treat the daughter, justifying it by saying it’s for health care. That’s why the OPs annoyed, she KNOWS this.[/quote]
But SIL will be caring for the MIL. The MIL has paid for that care in a way.

Most people don’t get anything like half a million to look after a loved one. It sounds like an excuse to treat the daughter rather than the son imo.

In this case MIL has given a significant amount of money to OP for home renovations.

Most people don’t get anything like half a million to look after a loved one. It sounds like an excuse to treat the daughter rather than the son imo
The OP and her husband have already had money from his mum.

So much care for parents ends up falling to their daughters. OP's MIL is in a position to plan and arrange her affairs so that as she gets older and requires more care she can live comfortably and be cared for by her daughter.

Would the OP or her DH be wanting the £500k on the condition they extended or renovate their home to meet the needs of an elderly woman and one of them gives their job up to provide all the required care? Somehow I doubt it.

@winterberries77

Most people don’t get anything like half a million to look after a loved one. It sounds like an excuse to treat the daughter rather than the son imo.

Lots of care homes do

Adult nappies, cleaning up excrement, someone who doesn't recognise you? Having to give up work. I wouldn't want it personally. (I know someone and this is her life or sell their house that her parents invested in to pay care home fees)

Most people don’t get anything like half a million to look after a loved one. It sounds like an excuse to treat the daughter rather than the son imo

You could easily run through half a million in 5-7 years in a care home. It would be interesting to have a figure for the amount OP’s husband was given to help buy their house and renovate their outbuilding - as a straightforward, no strings gift.

I think my original question has been answered and I do feel a d**k for even having these thoughts.
The renovations on our house were paid for by me in the end - I came into some money. So people are going on about that - that's old. Not relevant

The SIL has sacrificed her own life in committing to care for her Mum, something she presumably wants to do? or was it just expected of her?

Indeed. The number of threads you see on here where people are consistently told not to let elderly relatives move in as it will ruin their marriage and lives.

The SIL here seems to have done a good thing. Yes she got a whack of money (but so did the OP, did we get a figure?) but the money was partly to be used to extend/convert SIL’s house to be suitable for the MIL.

[quote winterberries77]@Leaaneb Sorry but I think it IS favouritism. Sounds like she wants to hide the fact she wants to treat the daughter, justifying it by saying it’s for health care. That’s why the OPs annoyed, she KNOWS this.[/quote]
Sorry but no...500,000 is jist a drop in a bucket when it come care. She has chosen her daughter to look after her in old age. That requires money and space and Daughter deserves the money for committing to taking care of her mother for the rest of her life.Did Op volunteer to stop her life to do this? No she didn't.

@being40

I think my original question has been answered and I do feel a d**k for even having these thoughts. The renovations on our house were paid for by me in the end - I came into some money. So people are going on about that - that's old. Not relevant

But you also said your mil helped you buy the house.

Surely that is relevant.

I can’t imagine ever getting this worked up over my parents money, never mind someone else’s parents money.

I do think you need to think long and hard about your values here, why you got so angry And jealous about a widow giving her late husbands coat to her daughter.

I would hate my brother to marry someone like you. Someone who sees pound signs on everything. Even my dads coat.

Op do you realise that pretty much all your posts are about your mil’s cash and how you’re trying to get your hands on it? That 500k was given to your sil upon her moving into her home to cover the fees of keeping and caring for her during her old age. What have you done for her to be given that sort of money? You’ve become that bitter and twisted about it that you’ve taken to arguing over a second hand dead mans coat! Get a grip op, and try and plan a future funded by yourself instead of your Dh’s family