Would you leave this whatsapp group ?

[Tropicana218]

I have posted previously saying that I recently posted a treatment that I had had and that only 1 out of 7 actually replied to it.

I'm not always posting pics of myself or being look at me or anything like that, it was just a minor procedure I had which has boosted my confidence and yet the majority ignored.

I've realised that I am the main organiser, i've looked at the messages since March for instance and i'd say 90% of conversations are started by me. There's one other girl who occasionally tries to make plans but I am the main one.

You might say it's because of Covid, who knows what they are going through etc.
True, but I've seen via social media that they are going out on dates, with other friends, partners etc.

I'm a bit bored with it. These are school friends I have known for almost 20 years now, I know people can grow apart and I think it's that. I did meet some of them once or twice in the summer, but seems to have dwindled since then. Another, I haven't seen since March and another 2 since last November.

None of us have children and that I know of no elderly/vulnerable parents that require care.

Just sick of the lack of effort and think it's rude that the majority ignored my post.
Leaving the group seems dramatic and petty but I'll just end up messaging again in a few weeks only for the same result.

Feel free to shoot me down if i'm being dramati or harsh.

It just sounds like people have lost interest. I don't think they're being deliberately mean. You could write a post saying are people interested in keeping the group going or do they want to call it a day. Or just stop posting. Depends if you still want to be in touch,

Gosh OP the responses you're getting on here are awful. Like a PP said, I'd enquire if it was painful, expensive- something to acknowledge your message. Maybe someone is waiting for someone else to say something. I would stop messaging and see what happens. Sometimes in big groups nobody posts but read and love your updates. Smaller groups tend to be more active.

I think the main issue is that you need to manage your expectations of group chats. There's no point in comparing your friendship group with others, as they're not the same group. I have a group chat with my uni friends and we haven't met up for 3 years. The chat isn't very active, but we do have a flurry of conversation maybe every few months - and the love is still there, nobody gets huffy that we rarely chat, etc.

Maybe they didn't think it warranted a reply? Maybe they're just busy? Maybe they find the idea of cosmetic procedures taboo (which a lot of people do) and therefore felt funny about replying.

Nobody knows why.

But I think leaving this group would be a bad idea.

I have another group of friends and we literally meet once a year, for a meal and drinks, before Christmas. We're all so busy but that doesn't mean we don't appreciate each other. That's another group chat that gets relatively few outings. Thinking about it, last time I posted in that chat, only 2/8 replied. It didn't bother me! I know the others still like me!

I understand your upset, having been there myself..its disheartening to start a conversation and be ignored etc. I have written things into a group chat,been ignored,then someone else say/suggest the same thing and it be a conversation starter lol.

I muted and archived the group.

If you are starting 90% of the messages, it’s just that most people aren’t bothered about this group. They’re not in the wrong, it’s just Jess important to them than it is to you. In a group of 7, I expect that several have 1:1 chats with people who are close friends, and there may be other combinations too. If they don’t often start the conversations, it’s because they’re starting them elsewhere. If between them the other 6 only start 10% of the conversations, then the group has a different function for each of you. Perhaps they don’t want to leave because they like having an “old school friends group”, but they’re not interested in that being their regular group for chatting - their real friends are elsewhere. They’re not interested in this group - that’s the crux of it. I would either leave, for that reason, or stay but stop being the one starting conversations all the time. Probably half of them have it on mute anyway - don’t want chit chat, but don’t want to let go of a group that might be used for something relevant to you all one day, or don’t want to seem rude leaving.
Bottom line, this is the wrong group to share with - they’re not interested in your cosmetic procedure.

OP I completely understand what you are saying and the situation. Ignore all the fake ‘I wouldn’t know what to say’ etc. I’m not interested in having work done to my body but if a friend of twenty yrs on a group who I know has been bullied about a certain body part posted to say they’d had something done, the first thing that would come to my mind is ‘oooh! Let’s see then, post pics before and after’, in a good natured way.

Sometimes on MN you just get a bunch of very odd people on a thread that don’t seem to react the way normal people in rl do. Intent on twisting a completely normal question into something totally outrageous. That’s what you’ve got here. For what it’s worth, if as you said they are going out and meeting up with people (not locked in since March), then it’s fair to say you’re not getting much out of this group and leave. Otherwise you’re going to psychologically continue checking to see if anyone has responded, making yourself even more upset. Just exit the group.

Your responses on this thread are really stroppy; you don’t seem to want to take onboard what people are saying, you’re being really dramatic... it all makes me think that I wouldn’t be rushing to reply to your WhatsApps either 🤷🏼‍♀️

I was nice @Tropicana218

Everyone has been preoccupied/different during the Pandemic but I do feel some friendships have either got better or severely worse.

If you had insecurities and that's why you had a procedure, then your friends should have complimented you to lift you.

ou will find you get very honest replies on Mumsnet and like anything, some you will like, others you will not.

Don't rise to the negative ones.

@Cacacoisfarraige

I’d mute and hide the group. Out of sight, out of mind.

There are some very strange posters here so don’t mind them.

If you had a procedure done to improve your confidence and your friends knew the impact, some might be comfortable commenting and some might not.

But if you’re the one making all the effort I’d let the group die a death naturally.

I agree.

@Cantbelievelife

I understand your upset, having been there myself..its disheartening to start a conversation and be ignored etc. I have written things into a group chat,been ignored,then someone else say/suggest the same thing and it be a conversation starter lol.

I muted and archived the group.

Yes like being back at school where the 'cliques' used to be!!! Horrendous times!

@Tropicana218

They can think i'm vain if they like but I think true friends would be supportive and happy for me if it had made me happy.

To me it says 'look at what I've had done, compliment me!' I would find that annoying.

@Tropicana218

What i've learned from this thread is that : If you have something nice you want to share, something that makes you happy, proud, feel confident etc. Don't even think of sharing it with anyone, because it makes you needy, attention-seeking, fishing for compliments, and so on.

What a sad world.

Ok, now we know why your friends don't reply.

@Tropicana218 I read two pages and gave up 😂 I don’t think you’re being dramatic. Group chats are just the worst especially if you’re ignored. I have a uni one with like 50 people in and I barely get a reply. My partner used to be in one with friends and when he left work they started a new one, he wasn’t told it was just obvious. They were/are still good friends he just doesn’t work in the same place anymore. They can make you feel like shit.

I would just not bother texting anymore, don’t leave but don’t initiate any conversation. And if the vitriol continued on pages 3 and 4, ignore it. Mumsnet has turned into a nasty place.

@ideasplease322 that's what my friendship group would do too.

We regularly post about being in the hairdresser's, complete with foil-head mirror selfies, things we are getting up to and bounce ideas and opinions around the group. I'm wondering what people who say they find that attention-seeking discuss with their friend groups? Surely a friend group is meant to be your cheerleaders, celebrating all good things whether large like a house purchase or small like a new hairdo. I had laser eye surgery done and posted about it on every social media channel I have because it was a big deal to me. I posted updates from how nervous I was beforehand to unflattering eye-watering and after my vision had cleared because I wanted to show the full thing, not just wow I've had laser eye done look how I am without glasses now.

@Tropicana218 your friendship group sounds like it's died a death at some point and you only all remain in touch because of shared history. It's OK to not still be friends with folk from school especially if you're the only one making the effort. And I don't think you sound needy or dramatic. Starting conversations and asking after folk is how friendships are maintained when we can't see each other. But I'm sure some folk on here think anything more than the yearly update in the Christmas card would be needless self-absorption. Or that all tech style communication is inherently terrible.

Wow, if you act like how you’ve acted on this thread in real life I can see why your ‘friends’ aren’t interested in meeting up or flattering your ego

I think you’re reading too much into this perceived lack of responses.
I belong to a couple of friendship WhatsApp groups. Some people are on all the time, others drift in and out. On one there are a couple of people who are really active, tbh (although I like them) it’s is a bit of a pain - too many notifications for me and I prefer one to one chats on social media.
I also have a ‘niece’ who has recently come out as a trans woman. She is always posting pics of herself. At first many people, including myself, would making polite comments about her make-up and clothes - mainly to offer her reassurance and support, and some validation I guess. Now it’s getting a bit irritating and very few people are acknowledging her posts - I guess many of us must feel concerned about the constant need for validation. She is over 40 behaving like a 14 year old, and I’m now very concerned about her mental well-being. It doesn’t feel appropriate to be constantly commenting on an adults appearance.

@Tropicana218

I don't know, I just feel like most of my efforts fall flat. Maybe it is 'needy' as other posts have suggested, but I just don't want to bother with people I see once or twice a year.

This is the problem. Most of us have old friends who we see very occasionally, more so as we get older. I adore catching up with these friends but certainly don’t keep in touch very frequently in between.

Let it drop now but don’t dismiss the idea that seeing friends infrequently isn’t worth it.

Tbf with people i only saw once or twice a year, I wouldn't post pics of myself or start regular conversations. I would save that for my closest friends.

This is where you lost me:

But what should I expect on this site where people love to pile on you.

It’s the standard response when an OP doesn’t get the response they wanted. It’s not just people disagreeing with you - it’s a ‘pile-on’. It pushes the blame back onto those who responded rather than acknowledging any possible fault on your side.

Personally, I don’t think there was anything particularly wrong in telling your group about this procedure. But dismissing anyone who did as ‘vicious’ and ‘nasty’ suggests they might have had a point re: the amateur dramatics.

Why do you want/need to leave a WhatsApp group no one else is using anyway? It’s not as if they’re posting annoying or upsetting comments - it’s not in use at all. What would leaving it change?

I can only come up with one answer - the notification the others will get saying ‘Tropicana left the group’. You want to spark interest, speculation... hopefully a bit of drama. You want to be noticed. Which again, makes me think some of the posters you’ve rushed to criticise have a point.

Don't see why people would be so aghast and speechless and 'wouldn't know what to say' that a friend had a cosmetic procedure, in this day and age. Is it really such a huge deal ?Just my opinion, but i'd say, if it makes you happy then good for you

I agree op and I'm surprised at all the very British responses on here saying goodness gracious me, what can I possibly say to that?!

I would say the same as if someone sent a picture of a new hair colour, new nails, teeth whitening, finally fitting into a lovely dress after a diet....you look fabulous!

If none of you have children/other caring responsibilities, no one is posting and you all know each other from school - it sounds as if you've just drifted apart. It happens. The length of time you've known someone doesn't necessarily correlate with your most meaningful friendship.

I suggest you archive this group and fire off a couple of thoughtful messages to some other friends you haven't heard from in a while. Reach out and see if anything comes back. None of this "how are you?" rubbish because no one really knows how to answer that question right now and it will stall a response. Instead, mention something you saw/did recently that made you think about them. If they're in a good/bad place because of Covid, let them bring it up themselves. Maybe some of you other friends will have more in common with you right now than you think.

If a good friend of mine had a cosmetic procedure done, I would comment, because I would know why she had had it done and what reassurance she was looking for. If an acquaintance I wasn't that close to posted a picture, I think I'd struggle for something to say, especially if I couldn't see much of a difference.

Just let it die naturally. Don't post anything. No one else will either. After six months of nothing happening it will seem natural to delete it rather than a strop.

Mute and Archive

I wouldn't leave the group, but just take a break from posting anything.