I just can't be a mother anymore

[Lastfreakinglegs]

I am a single mother. My kids 5 and 9 refuse to go to bed before 9. They are 2 boys with very high energy and they often fight bicker. They demand more of me everyday than I can give. I have no close friends where I live (recently moved). Their dad is inconsistent and financially and emotionally absent and my parents are shielding so haven't havent helped for a year. I have a full time job. Whilst the pay is good, there is nothing left every month. I feel this lifestyle is making me ill. I have chest pains tonight from sheer exhaustion. I don't want to see a doctor, I need respite and for someone to take my

Kids away a few evenings a week so I can sleep or escape.

Sounds tough OP. My heart goes out to you

I’m sure the year we’ve had is making things so much harder too

A couple of things in your post jumped out at me. Your ex is not consistent financially. Can you get csa to collect for you?
You have no friends where you have moved to. That will change over time
December is always a hard month with over excited ratty kids
Be gentle on yourself, you sound like you are doing an amazing job in really tough circumstances. I hope things improve soon

Just try some relaxation exercises and calm down a bit for now. Are you sure the chest pains are from stress?

Thanks now the kids are finally in bed I've done some deep breathing. The chest pains are disappearing. But I can't go on like this. I'm ashamed to admit I smacked the younger one on the bum when he came down for the third time. I'm just broken. Done in.

Can you call in sick for a few days next week to take time for self care and get yourself back on more of an even keel?

Hi Lastfreakinglegs, I read your post and signed up to mumsnet just so I could reply to you, I really felt the exhaustion from you.

You definitely need a break, and I would recommend speaking with Parentline (they have a new name though) to chat to someone. Their website is www.familylives.org.uk/how-we-can-help/confidential-helpline/ and they are completely confidential.

I really hope they can help and that you find some time to catch your breath with it all. If the deep breathing has helped tonight then maybe it's something you can incorporate regularly throughout the day

I am working at home at the moment, so could ease off a bit. I can't call in sick though. There's redundancy risk and I don't want to take my foot off the pedal.

If the DAd is still around.(even if inconsistant) I would call him, to have the kids soem of the time.

I think you should be able to ask your parents to help if they are able to physically.

Also see if there are any things that they can join on weekend days to get rid of energy - think footie, rugby, climbing lessons, skate parks. Things like that are running again.

Agree with the poster who suggested a couple of days off.

Also as a single parent could you reduce your hours & get some tax credits?

Kids are exhausting and working FT, small kids plus all the lockdown stresses I'm not surprised you're drained.

What about Home Start?

I think homestart may be for under 5s only I’m not sure

Could you even take 1 day off OP? Hey the kids to school and then have a day to relax or sleep / watch tv and eat some nice food ?

Get not hey

Agree take a couple days off to rest while they are at school. You need to look after your mental health.

How about a babysitter for a night, or weekend day one day a week for a while. You could just go out and have some time alone?

I'm a single mum too and have recently taken Wednesdays out of my working week while DS (4) is at nursery. Gives me time to gather myself and take a breather in the middle of the week. I highly recommend. Universal Credit picks up the rest, if you're claiming.

You must take some action to get some substantial time for yourself though. Is your boss understanding enough? Can you use a mediator or something to get an agreement organised in writing so dad can have the kids more consistently and reliably?

Sending hugs

Could you even take 1 day off OP? Hey the kids to school and then have a day to relax or sleep / watch tv and eat some nice food ?

I might do Monday. I'm honestly done jn
If they would just go to bed at 8 or 7 I would be miles better but the slog of a late bedtime and then the slog of getting them up in the morning. I take them swimming, football and rugby through the week, which works a bit but obviously not enough

@DuckPancake thanks.

Have they got a set routine after school and around bedtime? What about TV and iPads/phones just before bed?

Are you able to get them in bed by 7, they can read quietly until 8 when you will come in and then all lights must be out?

Do they share a room OP? That could be part of the issue too. Of course you can’t magic up an extra room but there’s ways of managing that inc staggered bedtimes etc.

Can you put them to bed at different times? Use bribery if needed - half an hour on ipad if you go to be by 8 for example.

Their dad needs to be involved, 50/50. Ridiculous how it's all on you.

That sounds hard...it's awful when you're knackered and just want them to go to bed.

What do you do generally on weekends? I'd do my best to exhaust them. Get them outdoors, long walks, kicking a football. Burn their energy. I have a boy and a girl but my ds needed to run every day!

Their dad needs to be involved, 50/50

Not sure this is helpful. Sadly you can't force these men to actually do their share

OP, I think this is a case of not fighting battles that aren't there to be won. 9pm for a 9 year old really isn't that late, though it is for your younger one. Can you agree a compromise? So in bed with a movie by 7.30. They are at least quiet and resting and you get a bit of time to yourself.

It's tough. Make life as easy on yourself as possible

I could have written your post, I have 4 though and ex is the same, absent and inconsistent even if he does see them it’s for a couple of hours a fortnight (he absolutely will not have them overnight) I don’t think people realise unless they are in the same situation how hard it is never getting a break, I’m never away from my kids. I’ve not had a single night away from them. My mum helps out rarely but she will only ever have 1 or 2. You are not alone

Would a divide and conquer approach work for bedtime? Let the older one know that if he shows an appropriate level of maturity and good behaviour he can stay up. Take the five year old up at 7 and enjoy some 1-2-1 time, like stories together to wind down. Maybe some kind of reward if he stays in bed. Then go down and spend time with the nine year old before he also makes his way. Then they're both getting the attention they want and an age appropriate bed time, and you get to enjoy your time with them without the stress of them winding each other up.