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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just can't be a mother anymore

90 replies

Lastfreakinglegs · 05/12/2020 20:52

I am a single mother. My kids 5 and 9 refuse to go to bed before 9. They are 2 boys with very high energy and they often fight bicker. They demand more of me everyday than I can give. I have no close friends where I live (recently moved). Their dad is inconsistent and financially and emotionally absent and my parents are shielding so haven't havent helped for a year. I have a full time job. Whilst the pay is good, there is nothing left every month. I feel this lifestyle is making me ill. I have chest pains tonight from sheer exhaustion. I don't want to see a doctor, I need respite and for someone to take my

OP posts:
Christmasjunkie · 05/12/2020 23:03

Wow, what an amazing woman! You sound like you've grafted your arse off for so long without a break and it must be so hard, I read your post and had to reply as I've kind of been as exhausted as you (although I only worked 30 hours and have a partner who helps) so I cant even imagine how done in you must be feeling Flowers the only practical advice I can think of is if you can afford it to put the children in extra childcare one day a week and have an entire day off for your own wellbeing x

AndcalloffChristmas · 05/12/2020 23:03

My first post also included sympathy and agreeing it’s hard!

6 yo Ds is a bugger to get to bed too - I’ve tried most things but he’s a natural night owl - he sleeps late given a chance so that’s something too.

Christmasjunkie · 05/12/2020 23:04

Ps you CAN do this! You need more help though as no one can do as much as you are and not need a break x

grassisjeweled · 05/12/2020 23:06

Sorry about my 50/50 comment, I realise it wasn't helpful : I'm just so fucking pissed off that once again men are so bloody flaky.

hennersley · 05/12/2020 23:08

I really feel for you op. I have a 7yo and I NEED that alone time on the night so I stream one of those annoying YouTubers to their bedroom tv from 7.30 weeknights and let them take a snack and a drink up with them. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to get yourself some alone time

Italiangreyhound · 05/12/2020 23:18

You are not alone.

It all sounder very hard. I am so sorry.

Can you make a late night a special treat for them, allow them a film and then you can doze.

Get your ex to pay properly?

It's a shame you do not have any friends where you are, can you find ways of making friends, just to have some respite for yourself, going out and doing other things?

Thanks
madcatladyforever · 05/12/2020 23:19

I'm so sorry OP. I was in exactly the same situation 30 years ago. I had to up the discipline considerably and withdraw his benefits if my rules weren't obeyed. Boys need a very firm hand. If he wouldn't go to bed there would be no TV for a week. Benefits had to be earned and they had to do jobs round the house too as I worked.
My son is nearly 40 now and he admits my methods and rules made him feel much more secure and so did the routine.
We are their mums rather than their friends and everyone will benefit.
I hope it works out for you.

madcatladyforever · 05/12/2020 23:20

I say they as I also looked after a friends son during the week as she was an alcoholic and couldn't cope.

mermaidsvssuperhero · 05/12/2020 23:26

another one to say - you are not alone...
sending you virtual hugs and good thoughts...
can you ask another parent at school to exchange school pick ups / drop offs? I do this occassionally and it just gives me a teeny bit of 'me' time sometimes.
It is hard. although it sounds like you are actually doing a good job.
pls be kind to you.
how do you get on with dc's school?
they may have some help/suggestions available.
not sure if you've said where about you are, however some areas have free after school care for your older dc, adventure playgrounds kind of things.

MayYouLiveInInterestingTimes · 05/12/2020 23:45

I am sorry, I can only imagine how much harder it has been this year. You sound amazing.

caringcarer · 05/12/2020 23:47

My 2 sons were both ADHD and constantly on the go and only slept for about 5 or 6 hours a night. One thing I found helped them to sleep was to tire them out physically. I signed them up.yo swimming classes twice a week and during the hour they would often swim 100 lengths. I noticed on those days they got off to sleep more quickly plus slept an hour or so longer. I signed them up for trampolining after school. They went straight from school into sports hall and I collected them at 4.30 instead of 3.30. One child played rugby on a Tuesday after school do I signed other one into karate. Basically the more sport they did the better their behaviour and I became a better Mum because I didn't have to nag them or shout or put them.bavk in bed 6 times. They became calmer. Could you sign them up to sports OP and try to physically exhaust them do they would sleep.

Original poster
Lastfreakinglegs · 06/12/2020 08:30

@madcatladyforever that is very helpful thank you. Discipline is something I struggle with and that could be part of the issue here. I do try to be their friend, which backfires. Very good point. Glad to see you made it out the other side in one piece.

OP posts:
Europilgrim · 06/12/2020 08:34

That sounds tough but I don't think 9pm is that late a bedtime especially for the 9 year old. It sounds as if bedtime has become really stressful though so it might be helpful to stop seeing it as a problem and try to make it a calmer, more relaxing moment in the day - for you too!

AlwaysCheddar · 06/12/2020 08:35

Use Santa as bribery. Send a letter to them saying Santa has seen they arent being good at bedtime and they need to get back in the naughty list.

Bobbybobbins · 06/12/2020 08:39

I really feel you OP and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Although I am not a single parent I have two DS with learning disabilities who are non stop and need 1-1 care. It's the relentlessness that gets to me. Virtual hugs!

Thisyearcandoone · 06/12/2020 08:40

Hey OP, didn't want to read and run. I know what you mean, at 9pm you're exhausted and patience gone, yet the kids are still up. That's my house all over. I've actually screamed at the kids before now as I'm so tired and want to go to sleep, yet they're still messing around.
I have tried bringing the whole bedtime routine forward and hour, so shower, book, bed and then lights off. It has worked for my youngest, but oldest still awake but he will read quietly until 9. Hope this helps, I feel your exhaustion.

Try and remember, it won't always be like this. Look to the future - you won't always be battling bed times.

Take care of your self x

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2020 08:43

You're doing a fab job OP, in bloody diffocult circumstances!

Im not sure I've got much new to say.

It does strikes me if there was more money sloshing about in your household would make all the difference...

You could then pay to have a regular evening off /afternoon doing something nice for yourself... Perhaps join any local groups where you'd meet other young mums. Also depending where you are, I think it's possible to have a support bubble with other single parents?

So is your flakey ex paying the correct amou

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2020 08:47

The correct amount?

If he won't physically have them for the evening /day- can you get more money from him via the CMS. It does feel very unfair that all childcare / financial responsibility falls on you. Its madness that you're having to feel this level of stress, so it's diffocult even to enjoy your kids!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2020 08:49

As others have suggested I'd start bribing them, doing chores/going to bed on time/my mum had an appalling time with me and my.! 😁sibs around bedtime.... Bribery worked well in usGrin

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2020 08:50

This WILL Pass!bloody exhausting at the moment!

Good luckFlowers

mollscroll · 06/12/2020 08:53

Sympathies OP. There’s always the Gingerbread helpline if you need help re benefit or the CSA. The groups and forums are very supportive too.

Agree with others - bedtime for the younger one is a priority. Older one maybe gets another half an hour quietly with you before 9pm bed. Maybe they want a little quiet time with you ?

It’s exhausting. At that stage I was in bed at 9.30. It does get better but you definitely need to get control in place. They don’t want you as a friend I promise. They will still love you even if you are more mum than friend.

HugeAckmansWife · 06/12/2020 08:58

luna I think the last thing the op needs is more time focused solely on the kids. We demonise screen time but really it's about what kind of thing they are playing / watching. If it's creative, or linked up with friends, or even just a series or film with characters and plot it's not terrible. I'm not a fan of some of the utterly mindless drivel on YouTube but you can steer them right. I'm a full time working SP to tweens and have changed my attitude to this a lot since I realised that the benefits it gave me (and by extention them) to let them have more screen time vastly outweighed the negatives.

Dinners.. Stuff on toast, pasta, freezer food. Easy non controversial stuff.

I do agree that the 5 yo could come up with you at an earlier time for bath and stories, then he can play quietly or look at picture books when 9yo comes up
Firm but gentle 'back to bed' when he pops up. It's really hard and you have my sympathies.

NameChangeUnwiseAdvice · 06/12/2020 09:02

Oh OP I'm so sorry that sounds really difficult. If you speak to school they may be able to put in an Early Support request for you to possibly get a Family Support Worker? They can help with all sorts like routines and other parenting stuff. Just an idea.

Original poster
Lastfreakinglegs · 06/12/2020 09:08

@grassisjeweled no it is fine. He lives 70 miles away though so it is difficult. I basically had to move away from their dad as he was emotionally and verbally abusive. Hence having to move away from all my friends.

OP posts:
Ki0612 · 06/12/2020 09:18

Do you have any holidays you can take while kids are on school? You need a day relaxing. I feel completely burnt out just now with two of us, as its just work all the time, nothing to look forward to, not break from the kids so you must be feeling it so much. Think if you could get 5 year old asleep for 8 and 9 year old to read or play in room after 8 that could help.

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