I just can't be a mother anymore

[Lastfreakinglegs]

I am a single mother. My kids 5 and 9 refuse to go to bed before 9. They are 2 boys with very high energy and they often fight bicker. They demand more of me everyday than I can give. I have no close friends where I live (recently moved). Their dad is inconsistent and financially and emotionally absent and my parents are shielding so haven't havent helped for a year. I have a full time job. Whilst the pay is good, there is nothing left every month. I feel this lifestyle is making me ill. I have chest pains tonight from sheer exhaustion. I don't want to see a doctor, I need respite and for someone to take my

Could you get a trampoline to help tire them out?

You and the children have been through an awful lot having to deal with an awful man who made your so lives miserable that you all had to move no wonder its chaos at home they are acting out because they want your attention and reassurance and you are exhausted by trying to do it all.

I would re set divide them as Pp said and have separate bedtimes even half and hour spend 10 minutes with the 5 year old in the bedroom and do the same with your 9 year old giving them separate time might help them settle down.

And yes take a day off work for yourself even if its a "sickie",.

In bed at 9pm is normal for a 9 year old. There will always be people saying theirs are sound asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow at 6pm, but they are either also getting up at 4.30am or stretching the truth.

Ideally, the younger one should be in bed earlier, but they are also fitting in with you having a full time job - after all, most of us would find it difficult to go straight from work/gym/dinner to sleeping, especially if we only saw family members for an hour or so a day, even as adults, so expecting two children to be snoring by 7.30pm when they might have only seen you since 6pm is unrealistic.

There are some things you could do to try and calm the atmosphere down, assuming there aren't any SEN.

Set a time where things are quieter/calmer, say 7pm. From then on, you don't have the big lights on (as they keep many people very awake and alert) and there's no kids' TV going. Get the younger one bathed and in pyjamas, then sitting down with you. Off to bed at 8pm. Then 8-9pm is time to do the same with the eldest. Make sure there isn't light coming into the bedroom that could wake them up, no gadgets and no screaming, shouting or smacking if one does reappear.

Whilst you are tired, you're then able to go to bed after that point.

Sorry it's so tough OP.

The only advice I have for bedtimes is - first if all - split them up if they sleep in the same room. The older one can settle in your room until the younger is asleep.

My 8 and 6 year olds go up at 7pm then get an hour of an audiobook. They can play quietly in their rooms when the audiobook is running.

I need the head space, even if they aren't ready to sleep yet.

Definitely take some time off when they are at school, you need the break.

TV, computer or anything to keep them occupied and not fighting is useful.

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In bed at 9pm is normal for a 9 year old

Not in my world. I think it's far too late. My dd is ten and bedtime is 8pm. My ds is 12 and bedtime is at 9.

If it were me, I'd have the five year old going up to bed at 7.30 and nine year old at 8.

The youngest is in reception surely? My dc were exhausted at that age after school. They'd have been a nightmare if they were going to bed late.

Hi, I'm a single parent of 3 DCs, two of whom were very energetic boys until they hit puberty. Over the years these are the things I've found worked, especially for the boys:

• Letting them have a slightly later bedtime as long as they are quiet in their rooms
• Taking a day off work in the week when they are at school and using holiday club if you then have to work more in the holidays - probably the lowest cost way of getting time alone.
• Taking a proper lunch break at work.
• Having a hobby at home that I can pick up and put down that is relaxing (crochet, gardening, even colouring).
• Family film time in the afternoon - you snooze, which means you can stay up later for some alone time that night.
• computer games - not great, I know, but you are guaranteed some peace and quiet.
• telling them what I need, especially as they get older, and why. Not in a way that makes them feel bad, just in a way that helps them realise you have needs too.
• spending a long time in the bathroom.
• saying 'I just need to do something for a couple of minutes' - take five, in bedroom, door closed.
• making friends with other single mothers. Have their kids over for playdates, hope they reciprocate (covid aside). Go for long walks together at the weekend.
• scheduled quiet reading time after lunch (me too) . I will admit this has only worked with my DD, but worth a try.
• don't disturb mum before 8am on weekends.
• meaning what I say. Sticking to it. I wasn't firm enough with boundaries when their dad died because they were traumatised and I felt so sad for them, and struggling so much myself. Have been paying the price ever since.

That makes it sound like I've nailed it. I definitely haven't. Some of it takes a lot of effort to see reward, and it's exhausting. But then they get to their teens and honestly it gets so much easier to find time to yourself. My DD is only 8 but it's all so much more manageable now my boys are older. There are other worries, but you will get your time back. Sounds like you're doing a great job, but you're exhausted and overwhelmed.

That sounds tough OP
I agree with others. They need to be in bed earlier. Either set a clocks to an hour or two earlier and get them into bed and then change the clock back. Or you have to just be firm and enforce the bedtime rules. And stick with it be consistent.
And dont lose sight of the fact that it won't always be this way. And if you can book some holiday from work and have some days to yourself when they are at school.

Another single parent with useless ex husband here too OP. It’s so shit that you had to move away to get away from him. Now you are missing your support network on top of everything else. Sounds like he wouldn’t be great for the kids even if he did have proper contact- although I agree with Pp that they should be made to pay if they do not look after their kids properly or make it impossible for you to trust them in having proper contact.

We struggle with bedtimes here too. DD is almost 7, and we have tantrums on a lot of nights. We have a week of getting to sleep ok at 8 ish, then it slips back to 9 or even after on a bad night. I’m sure I’m not strict enough, but sometimes you don’t have the energy to be, although I accept that is probably counter productive!

No screens after dinner works for us, but I am otherwise fine with them. Have you tried Moshi? That helped here too. Nice sleepy stories and sounds.

It’s so relentless isn’t it? It does get you down. As PP has said,if your ex at least pays a bit more then you could buy in some help now and again.

In the meantime, and as a first step, I think a day off would help you hugely. You sound like you badly need a duvet day.

I think 9 is an OK bedtime for a 9 year old ( mine is 11 now but at 9 his bedtime was 10ish and he is thriving, not all children need lots of sleep). Accepting that will make things easier for you. Yes to taking some AL when they are at school, this was a saviour for me. It is difficult ( also single parent with no living other parent or grandparent) but it gets so much easier ( even things as simple as you will soon be able to do the shopping without them - this was my respite pre covid!) With 2 it may be difficult but once restrictions are eased could you consider hosting sleepovers and hopefully you can coordinate their reciprocity and get some time off ( I found only children good at hosting)

How awful that you had to move from friends and support because he was abusive.

That is so dreadful.

Messing at bedtime at the end of a long tiring day can tip the best parent over the edge.

I would agree that if "quiet time" in their room for an hour could be a reward but it has to be quiet.

You sound like a great mum but you sound so tired.

Being away from your supports is dreadful.

Is there any way you can re look at this decision.

Friends and family can be the support that stops us snapping.

Did you contact Women's Aid for support about their father?

Agreed with bed times say in your rooms by this time.... but logits out by this time.

Logits = lights

@billy1966 I would love to go back but I know it would cause issues. There is little work there so I would struggle financially and also being back near their dad would be an issue.

It's tough OP, I hear ya. I only have one 8yo DS but he is full on and chats non stop from the moment he's awake and we live in a very small flat. For my own sanity I 'clock off' at 7.30pm and he knows I'm off duty. He doesn't need to go straight to sleep but he must stay in his room and read or listen to music, audio books etc. He often gets up for a wee or a drink, but has learnt not to speak to me! Obviously this will be much harder with the younger one, but the 9 yo can definitely have 'bedroom quiet time' much earlier than 9pm. Good luck and look after yourself.