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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just can't be a mother anymore

90 replies

Lastfreakinglegs · 05/12/2020 20:52

I am a single mother. My kids 5 and 9 refuse to go to bed before 9. They are 2 boys with very high energy and they often fight bicker. They demand more of me everyday than I can give. I have no close friends where I live (recently moved). Their dad is inconsistent and financially and emotionally absent and my parents are shielding so haven't havent helped for a year. I have a full time job. Whilst the pay is good, there is nothing left every month. I feel this lifestyle is making me ill. I have chest pains tonight from sheer exhaustion. I don't want to see a doctor, I need respite and for someone to take my

OP posts:
Givemeabreak88 · 05/12/2020 21:49

Their dad needs to be involved, 50/50. Ridiculous how it's all on you

You can’t make someone be involved if they don’t want to

Original poster
Lastfreakinglegs · 05/12/2020 21:53

Thanks everyone you've helped me. @Givemeabreak88 yes sometimes you just don't want to have a conversation with a kid all the time and just want to come off high alert. My entire life is spent on high alert.

OP posts:
Changedmynameagain1 · 05/12/2020 21:55

Could you get rid of the clocks / phones that show the time sp that this can be hidden? My heart goes out for you OP, thinking of you xx

MatildaTheCat · 05/12/2020 22:02

@Lastfreakinglegs

Thanks everyone you've helped me. *@Givemeabreak88* yes sometimes you just don't want to have a conversation with a kid all the time and just want to come off high alert. My entire life is spent on high alert.
This might be the bit you can change. Obviously there are things that you can do to shorten and solidify the bedtime routine. However your eldest is of an age where he will be staying up later no mater what.

So you have to stop being so obsessed with getting them to bed. Trust me I know what this is like. Set some her boundaries around bedtime for sure but also reconcile the fact that as kids get older bedtimes do drift..

Buy in help wherever you can. Negotiate with the kids and be firm. And get them out for exercise. But don’t underestimate the value of downtime near to bedtime. Downtime which doesn’t involve a screen.

Original poster
Lastfreakinglegs · 05/12/2020 22:10

Yes they have loads of exercise. I took them swimming today. Rugby tomorrow.
I tire way before they do. I'm actually ready for bed at 9 myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lastfreakinglegs · 05/12/2020 22:10

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of spare income for buying in help.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 05/12/2020 22:14

You need a plan for dealing with a bedtime that is going to have to become later very soon, if not now. After all, however much you need it, you're not going to be able to insist that a secondary school child goes to bed before 9, and eventually it's going to be later than that. In fact, I think 9 sounds a reasonable time for your older dc already.

So you'll have to lay down rules for what is allowed if they are to stay up beyond a certain time. Stay in your room? Be quiet and not trouble mum?

formerbabe · 05/12/2020 22:15

I think changing the clocks is a good idea...

sleepyhead1980 · 05/12/2020 22:15

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling. You sound like you are doing an amazing job and you know it was wrong to smack your youngest. Kids don't understand how hard single mums have it and they really can't help it if they aren't tired or they are afraid of the dark (as my 5 year old is). When I feel like I'm losing it with him I just try to put myself in his shoes and remember how I felt when I was little. You are everything to them which is difficult at times but also amazing. Stick in there it will get easier

Thripp · 05/12/2020 22:21

@formerbabe

Their dad needs to be involved, 50/50

Not sure this is helpful. Sadly you can't force these men to actually do their share

OP says in her very first post that she's a single mother. So it's extra specially not helpful.
Tinyhumansurvivalist · 05/12/2020 22:24

@Lastfreakinglegs sending hugs. I am a single mum of 1 very hyperactive 7 year old. I joke but am deadly serious that I gave birth to the bloody energiser bunny. From the second she wakes to the second she finally crashes she is on the go and wanting my attention. It is draining. Her dad is involved but for reasons I have posted about previously she doesn't sleep the night there. So I too never get a break.

Honestly on the nights where bedtime becomes a war zone i either put a story cd on in her room or put whatever shite I can find on Netflix and walk away and leave her. She falls asleep eventually.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2020 22:24

Are you getting all the financial benefits you're entitled to, OP? Struggling financially on top of everything else is really tough on you.

Anniemabel · 05/12/2020 22:28

I may get judged for this suggestion, but do your kids have a games console? I was at breaking point a while back, my boys were 6 and 8 at the time and I got them a computer games console and allocated them 2 hours a day. It was amazing - it is something that keeps them occupied for a set period of time and makes no mess. I’d always sworn they wouldn’t have one but, similar to you, they weren’t going to bed till later and later each evening and I was at the end of my tether. 2 hours doesn’t sound much but it’s 2 hours of guaranteed peace and quiet when you can recharge!!

Mmn654123 · 05/12/2020 22:29

I really do think if a parent elects to do less than 50:50 care, they should be charged minimum wage for the hours they can't be arsed to do. Maybe if dad had the choice between taking the kids half the week or paying for the 84 hours a week of childcare he wishes to absent himself from, it might buck his ideas up. Even paying just a 'babysitter' rate of £4.55 an hour that would be £382.20 a week.

HollowTalk · 05/12/2020 22:31

Totally agree, @Mmn654123. And deal with a basket of washing every weekend, too. Some men are a disgrace and there are no repercussions at all.

Waveysnail · 05/12/2020 22:37

If you can face it. A walk before bed can help (its bit too dark for bike rides) then audio book to listen to in bed.

nevernotstruggling · 05/12/2020 22:37

If it was me I'd go hard on sorting the bedtime. The mh implications of not having head space are evident x

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/12/2020 22:42

Definitely split the bedtimes

9yr old downstairs watching some tv/reading
Take 5 year old upstairs at 6.30pm for a bath, then read him some stories and aim for half 7 bedtime.

9pm isnt a bad bedtime at age 9 but plenty of 9 year olds go a little earlier, you could try and aim at 8? No screens after 7, get him in his room in bed with a book. Maybe offer a warm drink as an incentive to snuggle up in bed & calm down a bit.

I sometimes find mine are more resistant to bed if I'm desperate for time out and trying to sort of shirk giving the attention they crave. So if I give in and read with them one on one for 15-20 mins, the resistance seems to go.

LunaLula83 · 05/12/2020 22:42

How about devising a relaxing routine for all of you. Bath, lots of bubbles, read books together, play a game. Remove the TV if you have to and turn off the wifi.

Quaagars · 05/12/2020 22:42
Flowers Not much to add but I know exactly where you're coming from - 4 year age gap here with two boys and incredibly hard work, I feel you. Difference here I can take off and go for a walk if start playing up. Not read all the replies, but is there anyone you can leave them with for an hour? If not sounds daft but at that age of 5 and 9 I'd have taken an hour locked in the bath with a magazine as a win.
Isthatitnow · 05/12/2020 22:43

It’s tough, OP. I am sorry things are so hard. A few thoughts that might be useful. Your 9 year old can take some responsibility: pocket money can be made up of him doing basic chores - getting cereal for him and his brother in the morning, bringing down washing, cleaning shoes, emptying bins into the big bin, sorting recycling....for me, not doing everything really helps. I also found lowering housework standards helps - a layer of dust isn’t the end of the world and nor will it kill anyone if you Hoover less. I also allow my kids online more than I would like to give me a break. Not ideal but again, not really a problem in the big scheme of things. The older they get, the easier it is. Try and hang on in there.

Have you checked your benefits entitlement?

Smellbellina · 05/12/2020 22:45

Would you smack the 9 year old on the bum?

I do get it, single parent myself, just wondering.

mineandyours · 05/12/2020 22:49

Nothing useful to add OP, but just to say I'm listening Thanks not having the time to breathe, or the headspace to think, drains the soul.

MyDiamondShoesAreTooTight · 05/12/2020 23:00

Children are draining. They drain your soul from you.

My children age 3 and 8 are a nightmare at bedtime. It’s Piccadilly Circus in our house every night at bedtime and they are both still messing about gone 9pm every night!

I’ve no advice but I do understand the mental exhaustion

AndcalloffChristmas · 05/12/2020 23:02

Long post just deleted itself - I was basically saying it’s hard - I’m a single mum to 2 kids too - 12 year old dd and 6 yo Ds.

Long story short - I try to take proper lunch or other breaks from work - go for a run or have a lie down. Ds goes to a childminder for a little bit after school so I can do a normal working day. Also their Saturday hobby is one they can be dropped off at - they chose the hobby and it happens to be the same - rather than me standing on a touch line or anything so that helps too.

Very up and down with going to their Dad’s, so it’s not something I can rely on either. I think I’ve made my peace with it a bit!

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