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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriend ended things - Advice needed please?

81 replies

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 17:38

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice and thoughts on my situation.
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and he hadn't said I love you as he said he wanted to say it but something was stopping him (he has never said it to any girl before). I told him around the 6 month marks after feeling in love for a few weeks.

This is my first relationship after splitting with my child's father 4 years ago (awful break up with my child's dad - he cheated and lied about everything and has made my life hell for years), so I am upset that this hasn't worked out as I thought I had found a best friend and boyfriend in him.

I absolutely love spending time with my boyfriend and it's come as a massive shock that he ended things with me today saying he thinks I'm the most amazing person but there is something stopping him from fully committing! We have mentioned this a couple of times before. He is conscious that I have a child and that becoming involved is too much commitment for him!

I'm heartbroken, he is such a lovely guy but I feel that I could be waiting around forever for him to realise what he wants. He said the split could make him realise and maybe in a couple of months, or in a YEAR OR TWO he might be ready to fully commit, meanwhile I am mid thirties!
He is 30 years old, still lives with his parents, doesn't have a full time job - he does bits of agency work here and there. I have been his first long term relationship ever. He had to borrow money off his brother recently to buy a car so he doesn't have a lot of the solid things that people might want in a partner, but I didn't care about these as he made me laugh so much and we got on so well.

In contrast to his situation, I have my own house, a beautiful child, great career which is doing really well and lovely family. I don't understand what more I could have done in the relationship and feel really, really let down, ..... and a little angry ...... especially just weeks before christmas and after him meeting my child on a few occasions recently.

I know men can get scared of commitment (of which I have never pushed for with him) but he seems very weak for how he has done this. I feel if he isn't fully into the relationship now, he never will be and that I need someone who accepts me and my child as a package and embraces the responsibility (of which I don't feel there is much responsibility as I manage everything for my brilliant and happy child).

Could you let me know my thoughts on my situation? Do I need someone who adores me and my child and puts us first?
Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life?

Also, has anyone been in a similar situation and got back together, only to have broken up a year or two down the line as the maturity and committment that you wanted never ended up coming?

Thankyou in advance!! xx

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 05/12/2020 17:43

He sounds like a loser
Block his number and move on

Dozer · 05/12/2020 17:45

Yes, no further contact, it’ll be much better that way.

Dozer · 05/12/2020 17:46

Sounds like you missed a number of indicators that he’s bad news!

Sapphire387 · 05/12/2020 17:47

If you take him back, are you willing to get into an on/off cycle? Because it sounds like there is a danger of that. He has told you he is not committed to you. Please hear what he is actually saying, and not what you might want to hear (the bitter voice of experience here!).

ukgift2016 · 05/12/2020 17:48

He had nothing going for him. No loss.

MatildaTheCat · 05/12/2020 17:48

You are a grown up and he’s still thinking about it. Would it all still be hilarious and fun if you’d moved things along and ended up paying all the bills and doing all the life admin that he was too useless to learn? I doubt it.

Sad as it is to be dumped he’s done you a favour.

batteriesgoing · 05/12/2020 17:49

You could have weeded him out in the first week with higher expectations and better boundaries. Saved yourself time and heartache.

FestiveChristmasLights · 05/12/2020 17:49

I think he has done you a favour by breaking things off. See this as a good start for figuring out your worth and looking for a relationship with the right things next time.

user1274245 · 05/12/2020 17:49

What's your benchmark for a "lovely guy"? "Not like my nasty ex"?

It seems like you found another man to treat you poorly. I'm not sure you have the most realistic view of relationships.

Original poster

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 17:50

@Dozer

Sounds like you missed a number of indicators that he’s bad news!

Thankyou. Because he was so easy going and happy go lucky, I feel I might have ignored his lifestyle which showed how immature he is.

It was all tears from him today, but I feel if someone really wanted things they wouldn't want 'space' x

OP posts:

ohidoliketobe · 05/12/2020 17:51

Do I need someone who adores me and my child and puts us first?

Yes. 100%. Don't settle for anything less

Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life?

Potentially, he might be a really nice guy and have actually taken on the responsibility and sorted himself out, but he needs to takes steps to do that. Saying "I love you", and unequivocally understanding that you are a package deal with your DC is the bare minimum. Getting a stable job and independence from his parents would obviously be the next step. He hasn't done and isn't willing to do the basics.

I'd say you're well rid, chalk it up as a learning curve rather than wasted time or energy.

Changethetoner · 05/12/2020 17:52

You were his first serious relationship. It's natural that he wants to widen his dating experiences. it's not you, it's him. time to move on and hopefully find someone who is at the same stage of life as yourself. This man was never the one.

Floralnomad · 05/12/2020 17:52

Work on your self esteem @Rach22012 , you could do so much better than a man that frankly it sounds like you will end up bank rolling , you have had a lucky escape . Block and move on , whatever you do unless he’s fundamentally changed his life don’t entertain getting back together . He must think very highly of himself if he thinks you are going to sit around waiting for him to change his mind .

Dozer · 05/12/2020 17:53

If he comes back, saying he loves you, has ‘issues’ blah blah blah, don’t take him back! He’d just mess you around some more and waste more of your time. Avoid!

Smellbellina · 05/12/2020 17:54

He might be perfectly pleasant but he does sound like a loser with the potential to be a real dead weight in years to come.
Move on.

Fandantastic · 05/12/2020 17:54

He’s not ready to commit. To you. Perhaps he will with the next person? Perhaps he won’t and is a commitment phobe. Either way you (like many people) want someone who can. You won’t be able to if you keep him in your life (and risk the whole yo-yo/ waiting game) Spend time letting yourself grieve, and then move on. Keep him out of it, he’d commit now if he was the right person.

Original poster

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 17:54

@user1274245

What's your benchmark for a "lovely guy"? "Not like my nasty ex"?

It seems like you found another man to treat you poorly. I'm not sure you have the most realistic view of relationships.

I feel that because he was easy going and we got on so well, similar likes and dislikes and we have never had a single argument, that he was a decent guy. I have always been attracted to men with high powered jobs and felt that I should give him a chance when he asked me out.

I do feel he is a decent guy, just very immature. Or is the immaturity just a front for having no real prospects?!

OP posts:

glasgowLil · 05/12/2020 17:54

I’m really sorry you are so upset but, as others have said, you need to listen to what he’s saying and accept that it’s over. You sound like you’re a really amazing person and you deserve an equally amazing boyfriend. Don’t settle for less. Xx

FromABook · 05/12/2020 17:55

Loads of people will have his good qualities (all 2 of them...), and many other good qualities in addition. Don't hang around waiting for him to decide in a year or two. You sound great, you've got a lot going for you, you're in a good position on your own, so don't compromise that just for the sake of not being single.

Being single is much better than being with someone who doesn't really want you (and doesn't have much going for him by the sounds of it).

Move on. Onto someone else, onto being on your own, onto whatever, but just don't hang around for him.

Original poster

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 17:56

@Floralnomad

Work on your self esteem *@Rach22012* , you could do so much better than a man that frankly it sounds like you will end up bank rolling , you have had a lucky escape . Block and move on , whatever you do unless he’s fundamentally changed his life don’t entertain getting back together . He must think very highly of himself if he thinks you are going to sit around waiting for him to change his mind .

Very true! wise words there, thankyou! He is very good looking so he rests on that a lot!

OP posts:

Original poster

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 17:57

@FromABook

Being single is much better than being with someone who doesn't really want you (and doesn't have much going for him by the sounds of it).

Move on. Onto someone else, onto being on your own, onto whatever, but just don't hang around for him.

Thankyou, a lovely response, I really appreciate it!

OP posts:

Hailtomyteeth · 05/12/2020 17:59

Hang on. Look at this in a matter of fact way.

You have all the assets - home, family, career, life - and you are a 'proper' adult with everything going for you. He's a 30 year old child.

He's decided he doesn't want to be a family man, with you. Now. Probably ever. And, he's said so.

He had a good time. You had a good time. Now one of you has called it a day. Painful, perhaps, but not a disaster. Your world isn't going to fall apart.

So, be happy. Block him, move on and have a brilliant Christmas. You've lost very little.

Oh, and for the future - you don't need someone who 'adores' your child. Think of 'home' as the place where you and the child are, and sex as something you do elsewhere. Therein, I believe (after reading MumsNet for years), lies the key to happiness.

Cocomarine · 05/12/2020 18:04

Good riddance. 30 years old and not got it together financially? No thanks. (before I get jumped on with people’s stories about unfortunate circumstances, sounds like he hasn’t even tried to be a grown up yet!)

It hurts, but he really wasn’t all that.

Saying “I love you” is no guarantee of anything, but I would say for the future if someone is saying that something is stoping them saying it, then it is absolutely not time to introduce your child yet.

Don’t let him click his fingers later, either.

scoobydoo1971 · 05/12/2020 18:04

He is doing you a massive favour. Why would you want to settle down with someone who has such a poor work and life ethics. He is 30, and never had a relationship before because other women noticed his shortcomings. He cannot even buy his own car without help from family. He has a poor work record. Imagine he comes back and wants to move in. You have a cocklodger who will freeload off you, just the same way as he is doing off his family now. By 30, you should have sorted yourself out enough to be independent.

DrSop · 05/12/2020 18:06

Does he ever want children? Does he like children?

Some people do not want children, or enjoy being around them. As much as you do everything for your lovely child, they will always be part of the package. Some people don't want that.

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