Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Boyfriend ended things - Advice needed please?

81 replies

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 17:38

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice and thoughts on my situation.
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and he hadn't said I love you as he said he wanted to say it but something was stopping him (he has never said it to any girl before). I told him around the 6 month marks after feeling in love for a few weeks.

This is my first relationship after splitting with my child's father 4 years ago (awful break up with my child's dad - he cheated and lied about everything and has made my life hell for years), so I am upset that this hasn't worked out as I thought I had found a best friend and boyfriend in him.

I absolutely love spending time with my boyfriend and it's come as a massive shock that he ended things with me today saying he thinks I'm the most amazing person but there is something stopping him from fully committing! We have mentioned this a couple of times before. He is conscious that I have a child and that becoming involved is too much commitment for him!

I'm heartbroken, he is such a lovely guy but I feel that I could be waiting around forever for him to realise what he wants. He said the split could make him realise and maybe in a couple of months, or in a YEAR OR TWO he might be ready to fully commit, meanwhile I am mid thirties!
He is 30 years old, still lives with his parents, doesn't have a full time job - he does bits of agency work here and there. I have been his first long term relationship ever. He had to borrow money off his brother recently to buy a car so he doesn't have a lot of the solid things that people might want in a partner, but I didn't care about these as he made me laugh so much and we got on so well.

In contrast to his situation, I have my own house, a beautiful child, great career which is doing really well and lovely family. I don't understand what more I could have done in the relationship and feel really, really let down, ..... and a little angry ...... especially just weeks before christmas and after him meeting my child on a few occasions recently.

I know men can get scared of commitment (of which I have never pushed for with him) but he seems very weak for how he has done this. I feel if he isn't fully into the relationship now, he never will be and that I need someone who accepts me and my child as a package and embraces the responsibility (of which I don't feel there is much responsibility as I manage everything for my brilliant and happy child).

Could you let me know my thoughts on my situation? Do I need someone who adores me and my child and puts us first?
Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life?

Also, has anyone been in a similar situation and got back together, only to have broken up a year or two down the line as the maturity and committment that you wanted never ended up coming?

Thankyou in advance!! xx

OP posts:

Pantsinthewash · 05/12/2020 18:07

Sorry to hear how something you were so hopeful and happy about has ended so disappointingly OP. I think you may have had a lucky escape to be honest. There's clearly a very obvious mismatch between your respective financial and career prospects and what you each bring to the table. There are plenty of threads on here from people who are having to shoulder the lion's share of living costs and responsibilities because their partner can't or won't step up. I think it's a red flag that at age 30 he's not had a proper relationship or moved away from home yet. Agree the timing is rubbish, just before Christmas, but I think you're well out of it, and I hope the next guy you meet is mature enough to commit. Sending you commiserations and a virtual hug x

Proudboomer · 05/12/2020 18:08

You are at different points in your life.
I don’t think he has treated you poorly as the relationship was only 9 months old, you have indicated you want a commitment ( telling someone you love them and begin to introduce your child into the relationship tells him that you wan more than what so far was on the table).
He is not at the point he wants that sort of commitment.You are clearly in a better financial position than him And if he was an arsehole he could love bomb you just to get his feet under the table at your house.
Just move on as with a young child you don’t need the drama.

Hayeahnobut · 05/12/2020 18:12

You seem focused on whether you might take him back, but the reality is he's left you. I'm sorry you're hurting, your coping mechanism is an interesting one!

AlrightTreacle · 05/12/2020 18:14

He said the split could make him realise and maybe in a couple of months, or in a YEAR OR TWO he might be ready to fully commit.

Fuck that noise. Block and delete his number, he's playing mind games saying stuff like that.

Christmas is always a shitty time to go through a break up, especially this year, so OP. It's really his loss though, he doesn't sound like much of a catch on paper. If you'd stayed together you probably would have ended up with him being a cocklodger.

Sparklesocks · 05/12/2020 18:17

He sounds more like a man in his early 20s than his actual age.

I think he’s done you a favour and you should invest your time elsewhere. At least he was upfront and didn’t string you along much longer.
There’s nothing wrong with living in your parents later in life but normally it’s a stop gap, whereas he doesn’t seem to be desperate to move on, or have much ambition etc. I’m not saying he needs to be Bill Gates but you’d at least hope he had a bit of get up and go.

peoniesarejustperfect · 05/12/2020 18:19

OP I agree with just about everything all the other posters have said. I am so sorry you are going through this , but I am pleased that you are out of this relationship. You sound far too nice for him and he isn't grown up - it's very odd to be in his situation at 30. Not just living at home, but financially and showing very little independence emotionally either. At a very low point in my relationship history I was going out with a guy whose idea of commitment was similar. In hindsight, I was so glad that things didn't work out and 16 years later he is still single.

This has been a funny old year and hopefully (fingers crossed) by late spring / early summer, life will be getting back to normal. All the opportunities for fun, friendship, meeting people and a bigger life will be open again. Please think about your self value been intrinsic to yourself and driven by far more than who you are with. I wish I'd realised that earlier in my life. It took me a loooong time, but I now have a lovely DH and family life together. You are worth so much and I am sure there is great happiness ahead for you.

Namerchanger42 · 05/12/2020 18:19

Could you let me know my thoughts on my situation? Do I need someone who adores me and my child and puts us first?
Yes, absolutely

Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life?
Yes, it sounds like it.

This man sounds like a potential cocklodger, and his reluctance to commit despite being in a far weaker position than you is a bad sign.
Forget the thing about maybe ready in a year or two to commit, that’s just stringing you along. You held all the cards in this relationship and he was happy to walk away. Take him at his word and move on too.

Nackajory · 05/12/2020 18:21

Youre better off without an immature man who can't commit to you. Commit to yourself instead, make yourself happy and stop relying on someone else. Look inside not outside.

2bazookas · 05/12/2020 18:30

Your primary care is for your child; any new partner needs to be capable of fully accepting her and committing himself to her as much as you. He's been completely up front and honest and told you, he isn't up for it. He's right.

  He's just a feckless  manchild  who has never left home or  stood on his own feet,lives with parents, sponges off his brother,  has no career, no relationships,   no plans, no drive, no  real responsibility for anything at all,  and he has the bloody nerve to try and put you on hold for a few years  in case he changes his mind  when he grows up?  As if.

   You can do better, so just walk away and be glad your DD hardly met him.

SunshineCake · 05/12/2020 18:33

Strangers can't possibly know what you need.

He isn't ready. It isn't what he wants. I can't see he has done anything wrong to end things.

Lavenderfieldsofprovence · 05/12/2020 18:38

I wouldn’t even entertain someone who didn’t have a proper job. If he’s not got his act together by his 30’s it’s not a good sign.

From his perspective he may not want to be involved with someone with a child. I wouldn’t blame him for feeling like this.

From how you’ve described him you’d be looking after two children!!

I’m sure you deserve so much better than dating someone with zero prospects.

Winterwoollies · 05/12/2020 18:46

Oh OP, raise your bar. He sounds like an absolute goon.

You meanwhile, sound like you have so much great stuff going on, but who maybe has been affected by a shitty past relationship.

Don’t mourn this. It doesn’t sound even slightly worth another thought.

Peachy1381 · 05/12/2020 18:51

He's not exactly prize winning bachelor material is he? I reckon once the initial shock of this wears off you'll realise you have a lucky escape here.
Let's be real: he's 30, never had a long term relationship, didn't love you (sorry but if he can't say it, something holding him back, this is what it means), still lives with his parents, has no level of financial independence. Yeah, he makes you laugh but so could a good box set.

Say you eventually get him to commit. Chances are you'd be looking after two children rather than one.

I get it, being dumped before Christmas sucks. But honestly long term it's for the best. You and your kid can do so so much better than this man child.

TheWernethWife · 05/12/2020 18:52

Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life?

Most definitely

RealBecca · 05/12/2020 19:07

He'll see if he feels differently in a month or two..

He means he either wants to shag around without being a cheat and/or see if someone 'better' comes along or he wants you to beg/wait around which is a really insulting power play.

He's stringing you along. You love him- you wouldn't do that. He hasn't committed or anything. Run like the fucking wind, you're worth more. Every minute more on him is a minute you could be happy in your own.

RealBecca · 05/12/2020 19:09

@Peachy1381

"Yeah, he makes you laugh but so could a good box set"

100% true and hilariously put! Hope OP takes heed

Original poster

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 19:23

I am overwhelmed with your responses, thankyou so much to everyone who has replied!

I completely agree I am much better off without him and I am now seeing thay after the initial upset of the relationship ending has worn off.

I'll stick to a box set to make me laugh in future! 🤣🤣

OP posts:

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 05/12/2020 19:24

He said the split could make him realise and maybe in a couple of months, or in a YEAR OR TWO he might be ready to fully commit

How could he even say that BS with a straight face.. in TWO YEARS???
Lucky escape and lucky that he ended it instead of moving in with you to enjoy your lovely home and steady income.

You said that you had a nice time for a while. Think of him as your rebound bloke and now you know a bit more about what would suit you better in the future.

pictish · 05/12/2020 19:29

Look no. This has nothing to do with his fear of commitment or not knowing what he wants - if he was right for you, he’d be doing whatever it took to make it work, not breaking it off with vague murmurings about maybe changing his mind later. What?

Asides all that, he’s insolvent and can’t bring an equal share to the table. He would be a drain on your resources were he to move in or get married to you. Need a good laugh? Watch a comedian. Need a life partner? Don’t hedge your bets on this guy. He’s not arsed...about anything. Meh.

warmandtoasty2day · 05/12/2020 19:37

Seems to be a few men in tears today on here. You are lucky he finished it op, move on and enjoy your life with your dc.

NewPapaGuinea · 05/12/2020 19:42

Sounds like he’s done you a favour. Aim higher.

WankPuffins · 05/12/2020 19:45

Bin him.

NewlyGranny · 05/12/2020 19:48

If he tries to get back with you, tell him you'd really like to say yes but something is stopping you.

That something being a combination of intelligence, common sense and self respect, but he doesn't deserve to have that spelled out.

Piffle11 · 05/12/2020 20:28

You’ve dodged a bullet there, OP. He knows that your relationship was at the ‘where are we going, are we serious about each other’ stage, and yet decided that he’d rather stay living at home with mummy and daddy, borrowing money, working part time, than have to step up and make a commitment to someone: to take responsibility for himself. And he’s told you, ‘oh, perhaps I will realise what I’ve lost and come back to you’, type thing in order to keep you hanging on and available to him if he doesn’t find anyone else in the foreseeable future. Cut your losses, block him, and move on. Better to be alone for a while than waiting on someone who basically doesn’t think you’re good enough to make the effort for. Good luck xx

HollowTalk · 05/12/2020 20:31

He is 30 years old, still lives with his parents, doesn't have a full time job - he does bits of agency work here and there. I have been his first long term relationship ever. He had to borrow money off his brother recently

You've had a MASSIVE escape from this man. Honestly, you are really sorted and you've done it yourself through sheer hard work. He's still living with his mum, ffs. You'll be glad one day very soon that it's over - you deserve so much better.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread