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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend ended things - Advice needed please?

81 replies

Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 17:38

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice and thoughts on my situation.
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and he hadn't said I love you as he said he wanted to say it but something was stopping him (he has never said it to any girl before). I told him around the 6 month marks after feeling in love for a few weeks.

This is my first relationship after splitting with my child's father 4 years ago (awful break up with my child's dad - he cheated and lied about everything and has made my life hell for years), so I am upset that this hasn't worked out as I thought I had found a best friend and boyfriend in him.

I absolutely love spending time with my boyfriend and it's come as a massive shock that he ended things with me today saying he thinks I'm the most amazing person but there is something stopping him from fully committing! We have mentioned this a couple of times before. He is conscious that I have a child and that becoming involved is too much commitment for him!

I'm heartbroken, he is such a lovely guy but I feel that I could be waiting around forever for him to realise what he wants. He said the split could make him realise and maybe in a couple of months, or in a YEAR OR TWO he might be ready to fully commit, meanwhile I am mid thirties!
He is 30 years old, still lives with his parents, doesn't have a full time job - he does bits of agency work here and there. I have been his first long term relationship ever. He had to borrow money off his brother recently to buy a car so he doesn't have a lot of the solid things that people might want in a partner, but I didn't care about these as he made me laugh so much and we got on so well.

In contrast to his situation, I have my own house, a beautiful child, great career which is doing really well and lovely family. I don't understand what more I could have done in the relationship and feel really, really let down, ..... and a little angry ...... especially just weeks before christmas and after him meeting my child on a few occasions recently.

I know men can get scared of commitment (of which I have never pushed for with him) but he seems very weak for how he has done this. I feel if he isn't fully into the relationship now, he never will be and that I need someone who accepts me and my child as a package and embraces the responsibility (of which I don't feel there is much responsibility as I manage everything for my brilliant and happy child).

Could you let me know my thoughts on my situation? Do I need someone who adores me and my child and puts us first?
Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life?

Also, has anyone been in a similar situation and got back together, only to have broken up a year or two down the line as the maturity and committment that you wanted never ended up coming?

Thankyou in advance!! xx

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 05/12/2020 20:35

He’s done you a massive favour. There was never a mature version of him waiting around the corner, be thankful that you didn’t waste years on this twat.

Dugee · 05/12/2020 20:39

You say he's only met your child a few times recently, maybe that made him realise that you come as a package and he isn't ready for that level of commitment? Some men will accept a partner with a child, some won't. Maybe meeting your child made him realise that he's not ready for children yet. At least you found out 9 months in and didn't waste any more time on him.

hadesinahalfahell · 05/12/2020 20:44

It annoyed me just reading that he lives with his parents so has no real bills and yet still had to lend money for a car. What an incompetent little goon.

Original poster
Rach22012 · 05/12/2020 21:01

I know! Meanwhile I work all hours, juggle my work with my child and have everything sussed out due to working hard.

OP posts:
WinterWhore · 05/12/2020 21:09

What a fucking loser. Get him away from your kid ASAP

BluebellsGreenbells · 05/12/2020 21:22

When I split with a long time boyfriend, I decided the next one has had to live on their own and have a decent group of friends before I would even date them.

I didn’t want anyone out of work either, the money was irrelevant! But they had to have some ‘get up and go’ about their future plans. Be it travel or family etc

Look for different qualities

goldenharvest · 05/12/2020 21:39

You sound successful. He sounds a loser. Well rid imo

clairedelalune · 06/12/2020 11:50

I don't think he has done anything wrong, you are just not compatible & want different things. I would imagine meeting your child has brought home the enormity of being involved with someone with a child. I would be glad he has ended it rather than let it carry on.

Original poster
Rach22012 · 06/12/2020 11:57

Thankyou for your comments.

It has really made me realise that he is a child really and thank goodness things have ended now.

I need someone similar to me who knows what they want in life, rather than having no ambition or drive in life x

OP posts:
blissfulllife · 06/12/2020 12:01

He sounds just like my partner when I met him. He was living with his parents, recently redundant and bumming around with agency jobs here and there. I had a good job, home and was divorced with children. I had it pretty sussed and was living a comfortable life.

Anyway we met and he was great! But a few months in he said he wanted to end it. Told me he wasn't ready for commitment and needed to work on himself. I was devastated but backed right off and moved on. I then heard through a friend that he'd actually finished things because he didn't feel good enough for me. Was ashamed of his work/living situation and afraid of growing close to my children. I got in contact and asked to talk. He poured it all out. He felt a failure at life, couldn't provide towards a family like a real man etc. We stayed friends and I helped him build his confidence, he got a job, worked hard.

Together 20 years next year! Has its ups and downs trust me but I'm glad I found out how he really felt or I'd have lost the chance to live this life with him x

Original poster
Rach22012 · 06/12/2020 16:04

Thankyou all, he went to speak to my parents after he ended things and basically he told them it was because I had a child, he doesn't want that responsibility.

Yet he knew about my DC when he asked me out! Feeling very let down and reading your comments have really helped me realise what he is!

OP posts:
Cocomarine · 06/12/2020 16:19

What on Earth was he doing going to speak to your parents?! That seems... intrusive? Patronising? Bloody hell, after 9 months I’m not sure my boyfriends could even confidently name my parents! I’d be very unimpressed with any of them speaking to my parents about my relationship with him.

I think it’s OK to get into a relationship where there is a child, thing you’re OK with it, then reality hits and you realise you’re not. I’d feel messed about but ultimately wouldn’t hold onto any hard feelings about that. But the rest of it - he’s just not all that, is he? 🤨

Waveysnail · 06/12/2020 16:23

He was the perfect fling material to get over your horrible break up and find someone perfect for you. He wasnt life long prospect. You overlooked so many of his flaws as he made you feel good. Go and find someone with a job and who will love your child.

MustardMitt · 06/12/2020 16:24

YANBU to feel upset things are ended. But realise that this dude wasn't right for you, by any estimation.

From the outside looking in, he sounds like a knob.

Original poster
Rach22012 · 06/12/2020 16:26

I think he was trying to clear his conscience by speaking to my parents! I think he wants everyone to think he is a good person.
In reality my parents thought 'what a wimp', no drive and no gust for life.

Yes true, he can change his mind at any point but I made clear early on how DC is important. He was happy to stay in my house two nights a week when DC was at her Dad's!

But then this weekend a sudden dumping out of nowhere. Strange as this is after we had spoken about, and bought, Christmas gifts just last week!
Including him buying a a gift for my DC.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rach22012 · 06/12/2020 16:28

@MustardMitt

YANBU to feel upset things are ended. But realise that this dude wasn't right for you, by any estimation.

From the outside looking in, he sounds like a knob.

Thankyou! That's cheered me up 😂😊
OP posts:
Cocomarine · 06/12/2020 16:54

I’m glad your parents were unimpressed Grin
Onwards and upwards!

Dugee · 06/12/2020 18:10

*Thankyou all, he went to speak to my parents after he ended things and basically he told them it was because I had a child, he doesn't want that responsibility.

Yet he knew about my DC when he asked me out! Feeling very let down and reading your comments have really helped me realise what he is!*

Maybe he hadn't dated someone with a child previously, so didn't realise the responsibilities that come with that. Meeting your DC recently has brought it home to him. At least he has been honest and you can both move on.

kwiksavenofrillsusername · 06/12/2020 18:24

Sounds like a lucky escape. You sound hard working and driven, and I think a couple of years down the line, you'd probably get fed up with this guy. Being good looking and a laugh can only sustain a relationship for so long. I can also imagine him moving in and you basically having to parent him.

Take some time to be single and enjoy life. Next time, maybe go for someone who already has kids, so he understands the commitment and hard work that it takes.

Ph0neBear · 06/12/2020 18:28

He has just given you the best Christmas present

A new start & your freedom

OrigamiOwl · 06/12/2020 18:37

Could you let me know my thoughts on my situation? Do I need someone who adores me and my child and puts us first?
Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life

Yes and yes.

As an aside... He went and spoke to your parents?! You're a 30 y/o with you're own house and a child... You're not your parents property!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 06/12/2020 18:49

For whatever reason, he's decided to move on, that the relationship isn't for him. Maybe it was meeting your child that brought home the realities of what a relationship with you would entail.
Was he supposed to wait until after Christmas - and then how long does he have to leave before you retort "he should have told me before Christmas"?

He has only just told you he isn't interested in continuing the relationship - you're already assessing what might happens two years down the line after you've gotten back together.

A relationship is a two way thing - you can't always have what you want.

Nanny0gg · 06/12/2020 18:53

The only thing I would say in his defence is that he really could have taken advantage of you and he hasn't.

But he really isn't a good prospect in any way.

Block and move along

StrippedFridge · 06/12/2020 18:58

He went to speak to your parents to explain your break up!!! Shock

What a jumped up little cock he is. There he is with nothing going for him carrying on like he is god's gift. Sheesh.

You wrote before that he is just very immature as if being immature is some minor detail to be overlooked. No! It is a fundamental character trait to be avoided like the plague!

user1471565182 · 06/12/2020 19:00

Hes an absolute loser who wants to be 16 forever