Boyfriend ended things - Advice needed please?

[Rach22012]

Hi everyone,

Just looking for some advice and thoughts on my situation.
I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months and he hadn't said I love you as he said he wanted to say it but something was stopping him (he has never said it to any girl before). I told him around the 6 month marks after feeling in love for a few weeks.

This is my first relationship after splitting with my child's father 4 years ago (awful break up with my child's dad - he cheated and lied about everything and has made my life hell for years), so I am upset that this hasn't worked out as I thought I had found a best friend and boyfriend in him.

I absolutely love spending time with my boyfriend and it's come as a massive shock that he ended things with me today saying he thinks I'm the most amazing person but there is something stopping him from fully committing! We have mentioned this a couple of times before. He is conscious that I have a child and that becoming involved is too much commitment for him!

I'm heartbroken, he is such a lovely guy but I feel that I could be waiting around forever for him to realise what he wants. He said the split could make him realise and maybe in a couple of months, or in a YEAR OR TWO he might be ready to fully commit, meanwhile I am mid thirties!
He is 30 years old, still lives with his parents, doesn't have a full time job - he does bits of agency work here and there. I have been his first long term relationship ever. He had to borrow money off his brother recently to buy a car so he doesn't have a lot of the solid things that people might want in a partner, but I didn't care about these as he made me laugh so much and we got on so well.

In contrast to his situation, I have my own house, a beautiful child, great career which is doing really well and lovely family. I don't understand what more I could have done in the relationship and feel really, really let down, ..... and a little angry ...... especially just weeks before christmas and after him meeting my child on a few occasions recently.

I know men can get scared of commitment (of which I have never pushed for with him) but he seems very weak for how he has done this. I feel if he isn't fully into the relationship now, he never will be and that I need someone who accepts me and my child as a package and embraces the responsibility (of which I don't feel there is much responsibility as I manage everything for my brilliant and happy child).

Could you let me know my thoughts on my situation? Do I need someone who adores me and my child and puts us first?
Have I settled for someone just because I enjoyed their company and overlooked their lack of any responsibility in life?

Also, has anyone been in a similar situation and got back together, only to have broken up a year or two down the line as the maturity and committment that you wanted never ended up coming?

Thankyou in advance!! xx

@EveryDayIsADuvetDay

For whatever reason, he's decided to move on, that the relationship isn't for him. Maybe it was meeting your child that brought home the realities of what a relationship with you would entail. Was he supposed to wait until after Christmas - and then how long does he have to leave before you retort "he should have told me before Christmas"?

He has only just told you he isn't interested in continuing the relationship - you're already assessing what might happens two years down the line after you've gotten back together.

A relationship is a two way thing - you can't always have what you want.

I haven't assessed anything about two years time. It was him saying that it might even take him a year or two to know what he wants..... meanwhile I'm not hanging around! After the initial shock has worn off, when you are confused and a little outside perspective from others helps, I can see a lot clearer!

Definitely! Very much like Peter Pan.

Thankyou for your comments, they really are helping me heal and see some perspective x

Sounds like you can do better anyway.

Hi OP I am in very similar circumstances to yourself, single mum but with own home, successful career and generally pretty together 34 year old. It's taken me a long time and a lot of counselling to stop just dating the first guy that seems to be ok. You sound pretty bloody amazing and a great catch for any guy and you just need to make sure you realise that so loser guys dont take advantage of you (I say this from experience).
My thoughts are that in our position we can afford to be more picky, we are completely self sufficient so by no means do we need a man (but it might be nice to have one around ) it helps me remember that there is no rush to settle.down with anyone.
It can be lonely sometimes but that is so much better than being with the wrong person

-he doesn't have prospects
-he Iives with his parents
-he met your kid and got cold feet about commitment so he obviously isn't ready
-he doesn't say he loves you, if he didn't say it but actions speak louder than words. His actions don't say I love you.
I think if you take a step back and analyse the situation you will see that the relationship doesn't have legs and you're more into him than he is into you. It's hard to accept but I think you can find someone more worthy.

Thankyou, I completely agree x