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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to throttle dp after feeling completely excluded from SIL wedding

50 replies

weepotion · 20/10/2007 23:09

need to vent how pissed off i am!

SIL's wedding was on thursday - shores of loch lomond. whole clan descends on loch side inn for 4 days celebrations. i had been really looking forward to it - first kind of event / "do" since dd was born 6 months ago. bought swanky new dresses for her and myself.
The day we arrived - a family meal was arranged in Inn for 9pm. i couldnt go as dd was in travel cot - so sat in room with her. not one person came to say hi. i couldnt even get room service as no phones in room. dp rolled in around 3am.

day of wedding - dd cranky as no sleep / naps with all the noise around hotel so lasted til just after the outdoors wedding ceremnony beore throwing a wobbly. i took her upstairs to settle / get nap which then lasted 2 hrs. by the time i got back downstairs - speeches/ meal etc all over. no food kept for me so a tad pissed off but hey ho.
then it was liek dawn of the dead - all the old dears wanted to hold the baby. she was snatched off me and passed round complette strangers. all i coudl see was her wee stressed face, trying to look round and see me. i practically had to scrum ny way through them to get her back. i know i may have overreacted but i felt sick watching them all. dp's alcoholic mother then grabbed her and nearly whacked dd's head off a table. i took her and went outside where dp took baby off for another tour of the place. he brought her back 10mins later howling as all the being attention got to her. i took her upstairs to settle her and give her a feed. it was her bedtime anyhow so got her ready. dp had said he woudl come up to take over so i coudl go downstairs. he never arrived so i spent the rest of the evening in room - again. he made it in at 6am

the friday - we were all meant to get together to walk along the loch to another place for a family lunch. i was asked to go to local village to get ciggies for them but when i got back - they had headed on. a note was pinned to our door saying that as it was near the babies nap time - they thought it was better if they went on. i was well hacked off by this stage. By the time they got back - it was after 8pm so bubba was down. dp stayed downstairs in bar again so - another night in our room.
bubba was up all night - she coudlnt settle due to noise below from the aforementionned bar. i coudl even make out dp's voice in fine singing tune at 3am.

this morning - dp took dd out while i was getting ready for breakfast. i went downstairs to find that the family had gone out for a jaunt in friends boat on loch. i wasnt told. they came back at 12 - just before we had to leave.

ok.
i get alright with his family. i get on v well with SIL. i am bloody raging with dp. i felt so left out/ isolated. normally i woudl have been the party girl - drinking and carousing til the early hours but - not with a baby. i felt that my role was very much to be out of sight/ mind with the baby.

really hacked off.
am i over reacting?
what woudl you have done?

OP posts:

catsmother · 21/10/2007 22:37

I also feel really hurt on your behalf reading this (apart from feeling invisible, you must have felt bloody bored aprt from anything else). As everyone else has said, your daughter has TWO parents and whilst I do understand DP wanting to join in with the family festivities, he should grow up a bit and accept that once you're a parent you have to put your child before yourself. It therefore should have been incumbent upon him to at the very least see that you had the food and drink you needed - especially important if b/f.

Instead, he quite obviously adopted a selfish out of sight, out of mind attitude and to keep that up over 3 or 4 days is quite something. Pig.

I know it's not quite so simple if you're feeding but as soon as you practically can, I'd go off pleasing myself for a few days. I wouldn't even tell him I had this in mind until a day or 2 before. Furthermore, I'd do my upmost to arrange it when there was no-one else about to babysit (eg. family) and when DP had been looking forward to having a good time of some sort. See how he likes it.

NorthernLurker · 21/10/2007 22:43

Dp was wrong and his family apalling! I think they're jolly lucky you stayed around at all!

SharpMolarBear · 22/10/2007 07:51

weepotion, sorry but PMSL at dawn of the dead
What a horrible weekend you've had. Don't think I can add much more than what's already been said. It seems to me, when the baby's little people run around after you, making sure you're OK, got enough to eat and drink etc. Somewhere along the line (about 4 months) everything goes 'back to normal' for everyone else, except there's still a baby needing continual care!

tribpot · 22/10/2007 08:00

It's your fault that you didn't leave dd on her own to go and fetch him? What an utter bloody nerve!

This guy needs to wake up and realise he's a father now.

Eddas · 22/10/2007 08:12

well i'd be mightily peed off in your shoes

The problem is with a few beers most people don't think. DH is exactly the same. When my dad got married it was supposed to be me drinking, him taking it easy Well, I don't drink during the day as I don't think I should with dd(only her then) about. I had a glass of champers and glass of wine with diner but that was it. DH however had god knows how much, was well and truely 'on his way' IYSWIM It was only when I said right dd needs bed(around 10pm, she was only just 1, so did quite well) that he wobbled oh ok then i'll take her. I was not impressed. Talk about selfish. But in his defence he did then bugger off to the room with her and no doubt fell asleep himself quite sharpish.

They sound very inconsiderate and i would be having some words with my DH He too probably wouldn't see the problem and would say that i'm overracting and something along the lines of I always spoil his fun Well when i'm allowed some at an event when we BOTH go, maybe he can too. It's always ME that drives and stays sober, always. REALLY pisses me off

Hope today's chat goes well and he actually understands

Eddas · 22/10/2007 08:13

oh yes that reminds me, I would not leave dc's in the room whilst I went to fetch a hammered dh. Not really much point. He wouldn't be much use so I would've stayed put too

Lucewitch · 22/10/2007 10:20

Weepotion.

No you are not being unreasonable in any way.

So for you.

It was so unfair to leave you out and not show consideration with saving you food etc.

I also completely agree that having a baby passed around in a loud unfamiliar and drunken environemtn is not on. It is not fair on your dd or you. I would have felt exactly the same.

Your dp has been downright selfish and selfcentred. The weekend was for all of you to enjoy and not just him.

I think that you deserve and almighty treat for putting up with that weekend.

mammyjo · 22/10/2007 12:49

Unbelievable. I am astounded that you were expected to put up with this. My dh can be downright bloody selfish at times, but I would like to think that he would never do that to me. I really feel for you, what a miserable time you must have had.

Also that not one member of the wider family seemed to give you a second thought Inconsiderate and extremely bloody rude.

Hope that you manage to sort this out with him and clear the air xxx

ManxMum · 22/10/2007 13:03

I would have drowned them all in the Loch.

PMT's bad this month!

ManxMum · 22/10/2007 13:05

Just out of interest, what hotel did you stay in?

Honeymum · 22/10/2007 13:06

I have so much sympathy for you. I remember going to two weddings when DD1 was tiny and you just want to have fun but it can be so hard looking after the little one in the midst of it all. There is nothing wrong with having difficulty with your lovely baby being passed around and cooed over when's she's clearly not happy. It just makes you feel worse for being ignored doesn't it? And everyone seems to forget that you have your hands full and aren't having as much fun as everyone else.

I agree with the poster who says you should explain just what happened and why you are so unhappy, to your DH, so that it doesn't happen in future. Then disappear to a spa for a couple of days - that'll learn him!!

MadMumsy · 22/10/2007 13:16

If this had been me, I wouldn't be on here right now as I would be attending his funeral or a Court hearing. What a bar steward!! You have every right to be upset.

maisemor · 22/10/2007 13:22

I am sorry but why did you not just pick daughter up and go down stairs to get your DH?

With the whole passing the baby around. Did you just stand in a corner with her instead of taking her around and letting people say hello to her?

I know I would want to "get a shot" of the baby.

I don't underestimate the horrible weekend that you have had, and I do think that your DH and his family acted very selfishly at points but I do however think that you should have been more assertive as well.

Next time hand baby to husband and say I want to take a picture of you 2 together please, once picture is taken then walk away, have a glass of vino, chat to people, once your boobies start to overflow go back and get baby. Repeat once baby has made sure your boobies won't ruin your dress .

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 13:22

you DH is talking a load of pooh imo, you were right not to leave your dc to go and get him, there is no way in the world i would leave my child alone in a hotel room! or let them sleep downstair in a noisy hotel bar in a car seat!
Your DH should have taken it in turns with you look after you dd, i.e half hour turns.
To put up with that for one night is bad enough, but for 4 days!
I hope he reads this and realises what a w*nker he has been!

PSCMUM · 22/10/2007 13:23

JESUS! I think you should club him to death.

PSCMUM · 22/10/2007 13:23

your Dh, not Jesus

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 22/10/2007 13:28

that is good advice maisemor although its not always easy to be assertive when you are feeling angry/ignored/hormonal/stressed much easier to just slip off somewhere quiet and be upset. then get more uspet as time goes on that nobody, not even DH came to check if you were ok.

maisemor · 22/10/2007 13:37

It is always easier saying these kind of things rather than actually doing it.

In the good old days I would probably have been sitting in the room next to Weepotion feeling more and more sorry for myself, picking up on more and more things that he and everybody else were doing to hurt me and upset me.

BabiesEverywhere · 22/10/2007 14:09

Gosh, I am so angry on your behalf, I have no idea what to say first

I hate that people think it is acceptable to allow babies to be handed around like a toy to cuddle. Babies are little people with thoughts and feelings and are very capable of getting stressed and upset if they can't see/hear a familar caretaker (mum/dad).

That is why I kept my DD in her sling at family meeting, until she was comfortable and calm enough to be held for a limited time.

And as for not ensuring you had your basic needs met for food and drink is horrible.

Your husband needs to realise that he just abandoned his childcare responibilities without any consideration for you or your child

I certainly would be very clear on what you expect to happen if you attend another weekend away with that lot. But TBH I would be reluctant to ever go away with those selfish people again.

lucyellensmum · 22/10/2007 14:18

i would have suggested a romantic boat trip for you and DP in the loch, and pushed the fucker in!

Original poster

weepotion · 22/10/2007 22:34

evening folks and thanks for the messages.

in the cler light of a return home - i do agree with maisie that i could have went and got him and demanded that he share the duties but - it feels that in these new babyfilled days, it seems alot of my confidence has dwindled. before i would have been like a roaring lioness instead of a sad sack sitting on my own.

i also wish now i had put her in the sling so she coudl have been next to me that day - a bit harder for the drunken old dears to get at her. i also think that i do need to try and let her go a bit more - hard when we have no relatives nearby.

dp is still in the bad books - a bit of all picture and no sound here but - - i have booked an overnight away at a hotel. havent mentionned it to him and i think i will need to take dd as still bf but hope it shocks his system a bit.

he normally is very good but - i think on this occasion he got too caught up in the festivities and free booze.

thanks folks - at least i feel that i am not a raving eejit for being hacked off.

OP posts:

Original poster

weepotion · 22/10/2007 22:43

ps manxmum - it was the rowardennan lodge!

OP posts:

SharpMolarBear · 23/10/2007 08:34

Good for you weepotion! Do you fancy taking another baby as well? He'd be no trouble?

littleNonSpecificHolidaylapin · 23/10/2007 08:45

I hope that night in the hotel doesn't include him

I'd have got in the car on Friday and fecked off home leaving him there. Sorry, but utterly selfish tosser behaviour by your DH.

bozza · 23/10/2007 08:53

I think you have every right to be very angry. However I think you should have got angry sooner, rather than leaving it for four days. Then hopefully you could have pulled your DP back into line for the rest of the stay. I think your argument really is with your DP rather than the rest of his family. Hopefully you will learn from this and not let DH repeat the pattern. Be on your guard next time their is a family occasion with your ILs.

I do think you are being a bit precious. You take a 6mo baby to a wedding (and I have done) and you expect them to be passed around a bit IMO.

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