Page 5 | Christmas is cancelled

User43210 · 04/12/2020 16:36

@ShortSilentNight

As for all the drama with the dog and FIL ... I'm a bit unsure why it's become an issue this year.

Just a guess, but maybe because this year has been incredibly fucking stressful already. People do not have the spare energy they might normally have for dealing with knobbish relatives.

I'll add this was only the third year? So maybe first year OP gave benefit of the doubt, second year it was really grating and, as the day got closer, OP decided enough is enough and doesn't want to spend her Christmas Day cleaning up after someone's untrained animal.

I would be mortified if my dog weed in someone's house and I would certainly not let them clean it up!

diddl · 04/12/2020 16:37

Well I think that 2yrs of a dog shitting on the floor it 2 too many!

They wouldn't have been back the next year!

Original poster

MariaK91 · 04/12/2020 16:40

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

Tbh I don't see how work could hold your DH responsible for someone else bunking off shift. He's not BIL's keeper. Your DH could text back saying if we see you at Christmas, I'll assume you've got your shift changed - otherwise you can't come.

As for all the drama with the dog and FIL ... I'm a bit unsure why it's become an issue this year. Most families are complaining about not being able to see their families for Christmas but this is the year you've picked to put your foot down. It's odd timing. It doesn't mean you have to host them. You don't. You don't even have to see them. But I just wonder if the dog issue is actually an excuse to cover for the work issue or if there are other underlying reasons that have come to a head this year?

They can and will do. It's a massive health and safety issue if SILH doesn't turn up to work. If there was an emergency, and SILH was not there and DH knew and didn't say anything, then there would be big trouble. H is a supervisor, the expectations are that he behaves like one and doesn't help junior members of staff get paid to not do their jobs. Especially as SILH would be getting paid double rates to work on Christmas day. And it's most definitely not appropriate for H to give some people free passes to do what they want just because they're family. Providing SILH somewhere to hide so he can get away with not working would be taken extremely seriously. People have got in trouble for less. It would also damage H's reputation and relationships in the estate. I don't think many people who have worked other Christmas shifts so SILH can sit at home on other years will be very impressed that he's trying to trick the estate in to thinking he's working. I think it's very selfish and irresponsible and almost laughable that SIL and SILH complain that SILH doesnt get promotions and isnt popular with management when he acts like this.

As for the dog. There was an incident in March where I was extremely upset finally put my foot down and said enough is enough. FIL has not visited or made contact with us since. Everyone will tolerate things they don't like to a certain extent, especially to keep the peace, and we've just reached our limit is all. We tried to give him his chances and saw absolutely no improvement. There's not much else to read in to that.

OP posts:

mcmooberry · 04/12/2020 16:44

I would never allow a dog to cross my doorstep a 2nd time if it did that and the owner didn't even acknowledge it, you honestly don't have to justify your refusal at all (and I have many visitors with dogs).

ohwhatamiserableyear · 04/12/2020 16:46

Count back 10 days and tell them you have to isolate so they can't come over?

TheCrowsHaveEyes · 04/12/2020 16:46

This isn't about defending BIL's behaviour. It's indefensible. That doesn't change the fact that your DH didn't know his BIL's shifts so it can't be his role to keep track of where BIL is or isn't on Christmas Day.

This all sounds very claustrophobic. Is there a reason you all work and live in the same place? It isn't sustainable when you all have very different approaches to work, loyalty, duty.

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/12/2020 16:51

You need to visualize Christmas with your DH, what food you plan on having, what films to watch or games to play, which drinks you’ll need and any extras.

The stronger to see this Christmas the less you’ll worry about anyone else and what they’re doing.

FourDecades · 04/12/2020 17:06

Christmas aside, your DH needs to tell work about how BIL may bunk off. He needs to protect himself

PerveenMistry · 04/12/2020 17:10

For the sake of your husband's job alone, you need to not see these people on Christmas day. SILH has put him in a terrible position.

Were I your husband I'd tell him that, and that he needs to get his rump to work on C Day or the scheme will be exposed.

crazeelala2u · 04/12/2020 17:15

@MariaK91

My husband and I are housed through my partners job on a large estate. My SIL and husband are also housed on the same estate as my husband and SILH work together.

So, H and I have hosted and done all the cooking for my SIL, SILH and FIL for the past two years and paid for the bulk of it too. It's a lot of hard work. Whenever my FIL comes over he brings his little dog over and it attacks my cats and goes to the toilet on the floor, runs all over the furniture and FIL doesn't do so much as lift a finger to control it or clean up after it (or even apologise for the trouble!) so this year we've said he cant bring it. He's refusing to put it in a kennel, or leave it at my SIL house which is 2 minutes drive so SILH/H can easily check on the it while they're out on shift. FIL said he'll leave dog in his van on our driveway all day and then sleep with it in the van overnight, 'so he can drink alcohol' which I think is ridiculous. We have our own boxing day plans and dont really want him blocking us in with is van and coming in and out in the morning for the kitchen and bathroom especially as he's supposed to be staying with SIL. And its not exactly great for a dog to be stuck in a van all day with no light.

We have our own dogs who we've put a lot of effort in to training them to behave and have always respected other people when they have a no dog policy - they're our responsibility so why should anyone else have to put up with them if they don't want to? So we expect the same from FIL. We happily welcome other peoples dogs in to our house on the condition that they behave which 99% of the time they do. I just don't want to be cleaning dog piss off my carpets whilst trying to make christmas happen. SIL is basically fighting FIL's corner to bring the dog and making us feel like we're being difficult.

The obvious answer to the dog problem would be for SIL to host Christmas, which we have politely suggested and said we would still cook. It turns out SIL and SILH 'have to' have Christmas at ours because SILH is rota-ed to work on Christmas day but doesn't want to so we need to have it at ours because if we have it at their house, which is closer to other people who live on the estate, everyone will know he's ducking off his shift and he'll get in to (more) trouble with management. The problem is H is a supervisor and SILH is not, so they have put us in a really awkward position where if we get caught my hub will go down too for knowing he's bunking off. We don't think H should have to take risks with his job because of them, we could lose our house and everything. And worse, they weren't even up front with us about why they insisted we host (again) until we said we'd had enough of the dog. I feel a bit like they've tried to trick us in to being their scapegoats.

I feel like the lot of them are completely out of order and they're making us feel like we're being the difficult ones. H and I want to just say we're having Christmas on our own because it's getting too ridiculous but before we could say anything they messaged to say they had bought Christmas dinner (which will probably be out of date by the 25th?!) so I feel they've done this to blackmail us a bit. Are we being unreasonable at this point to say we've had enough and wont be hosting?

Personally, that's a lot of cfery in my opinion, and I would just be staying home and not having anyone over. Why should you feel guilty if they don't feel guilty for putting your DH in the position of being a scapegoat?

Thewinterofdiscontent · 04/12/2020 17:39

They can’t really get stressed with you if you say “no” though.
The husband bunking off will know he putting yours in a difficult position.
He’ll have more respect for you if you say you can’t host, otherwise professionally you are setting yourself for real problems in the coming months. Do you want this hanging over you if other issues crop up.
Offer to have them Boxing Day and then they sound like the unreasonable ones if they get stroppy.

Thewinterofdiscontent · 04/12/2020 17:41

Sorry - see you have Boxing Day plans - New Year?!

mbosnz · 04/12/2020 17:47

Yep, it'd be a hard nope from me.

I refuse to have DH's job jeopardised, or his standing at work so that someone else can skive off.

I don't allow ill behaved animals (or their equally ill behaved) humans to attend Christmas and make extra work and stress for me.

They can make alternative plans that don't involve you and DH, and are not located at your house.

In other words, go off and do one.

girlywhirly · 04/12/2020 18:00

Definitely tell the ILS that you and DH are having Christmas at home with no guests. Say how lucky they bought their own food. I presume they have ordered from a supermarket to be delivered near Christmas, or have bought lots of frozen stuff. Either way they won’t go short, and can have their meal around the work schedule, while you have a lovely peaceful and clean celebration of your own.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/12/2020 18:17

If there was an emergency, and SILH was not there and DH knew and didn't say anything, then there would be big trouble. H is a supervisor, the expectations are that he behaves like one and doesn't help junior members of staff get paid to not do their jobs. Especially as SILH would be getting paid double rates to work on Christmas day. And it's most definitely not appropriate for H to give some people free passes to do what they want just because they're family

Why are you putting up with this?
It's up to SILH what he does at work but Tell them straight your H cannot aid and abet - they are putting your family livelyhood at risk and you cannot be complicit in this.

"We are not hosting Xmas this year or having anyone over, its too stressful. I didn't ask you to buy Xmas dinner and I am sorry that you have but it doesn't change our decision."

If FIL won't control his animal and the incident sounds like a biting, then its just as well he's not talking to you anymore. End of problem.

They are walking alll over you. Its time to say No to them. They won't like it so you can be as plain speaking as you like, it wont get you into any more trouble with them, then stick to your guns. The family practice seems to be do everything I say or I will punish you by not speaking to you or kicking off. Let them. Just let them. You don't have to play this game. They can say you are a nasty person for not obeying them. Big Deal.

Hayyancairo2 · 04/12/2020 18:30

@Cocomarine

Who cares whether they’re lying about buying Xmas dinner or not? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Emotional manipulation only works if you choose to let it. Ignore that.

“Brother, if you’re lying to work, don’t you fucking dare risk my job and home too - you’re not coming.”

“Father, are you fucking joking about your dog? I always have to scrub it’s piss out of my carpets. It’s not coming in.”

Your husband seriously needs to grow some balls.

THIS!

Original poster

MariaK91 · 04/12/2020 19:01

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

This isn't about defending BIL's behaviour. It's indefensible. That doesn't change the fact that your DH didn't know his BIL's shifts so it can't be his role to keep track of where BIL is or isn't on Christmas Day.

This all sounds very claustrophobic. Is there a reason you all work and live in the same place? It isn't sustainable when you all have very different approaches to work, loyalty, duty.

I see your point, and that would be the obvious loophole, but as their teams work so closely and SILH has outright told DH in a message to his work phone, DH cant really say he doesn't know now. The two teams have to collaborate a bit over the holidays as there's less staff on shift on Christmas day.

With the work and living, luckily our house is in a remote place on the estate whereas SILs house is right in the middle of the work housing so we don't really bump in to them that often unless we're planning to. It kind of just happened that we all ended up there. It's more common than I realised. We are learning the downsides! DH loves his job though, and he's so good at it, and there are some great perks, like the house.

I think everyone is right, we will just have to grit our teeth and say we're not hosting and try to let any backlash wash over us. Burying my face in a christmas cocktail or something. Also DH is a lot more assertive than he is coming across in my notes! Be nice, I promise you he does have balls! He just tries very hard to resolve things with the least amount of drama and his family just push back until an argument happens. I find their family dynamics a bit unusual, I don't think they're what I would call close, but that's another story.

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 04/12/2020 19:49

DH should send a message back to his idiot BIL from his work phone saying something like 'you're rostered on to work that day, if you're intending to take the day off you need to apply for annual leave' or something similar just to cover his back.

For the remainder, clearly they haven't actually bought a turkey and all the trimmings with a view to cooking it in three weeks' time, unless they're particularly stupid, so it's either an order they can cancel or will be rotten by Christmas anyway, so not your problem either way. :)

HollowTalk · 04/12/2020 20:03

I think your husband just needs to
say that he's not going to risk losing his job just so that you can both cook dinner for his family. It's outrageous that they're putting him in that situation.

KarmaStar · 04/12/2020 20:34

Yanbu op.
Stand your ground.Tell them it's just you and your dh and don't offer any excuse or apology.
And don't feel guilty!they are treating you like a door mat,so slip out from under their feet and leave them to look after themselves.
97% of people have voted Yanbu so please don't allow them to come.

NeonIcedcoffee · 04/12/2020 20:42

I'm just really trying to work out what jobs they do and what this work / living set up is! Anyone else?

Also yes op they're taking the piss.

User43210 · 04/12/2020 21:33

@NeonIcedcoffee

I'm just really trying to work out what jobs they do and what this work / living set up is! Anyone else?

Also yes op they're taking the piss.

Me!!! I'm wondering if it's army/similar or working within the royal grounds...

thenightsky · 04/12/2020 21:43

@NeonIcedcoffee

I'm just really trying to work out what jobs they do and what this work / living set up is! Anyone else?

Also yes op they're taking the piss.

I'm imagining Sandringham.

girlywhirly · 04/12/2020 22:33

OP, has FIL’S dog ever gone for one of you or attacked one of your pets causing harm? If it has, you could report to the dog warden as FIL clearly won’t control his dog or train it properly and therefore is neglectful. What if it attacked a child? Jack Russells are a hunting breed and should have very firm training from puppyhood. I can’t begin to imagine the state FIL’S home is in, it must stink.

PerveenMistry · 05/12/2020 00:19

@FetchezLaVache

DH should send a message back to his idiot BIL from his work phone saying something like 'you're rostered on to work that day, if you're intending to take the day off you need to apply for annual leave' or something similar just to cover his back.

For the remainder, clearly they haven't actually bought a turkey and all the trimmings with a view to cooking it in three weeks' time, unless they're particularly stupid, so it's either an order they can cancel or will be rotten by Christmas anyway, so not your problem either way. :)

That's a shrewd point about the phone msg. He should do it with out delay.