To be suffocated by my relationship with my parents since moving home?

[Willow79]

I am only child and because of that I have always been a focus for my parents. I am late 20s and have spent half my 20s living abroad. During this time my parents would visit me once or twice a year and we had a distant but pleasant enough relationship (well actually - my relationship with my mother was fine but I grew apart from my dad who stopped contacting me at all really).

I returned home to the UK last year to live. It was hard as I was just settling back in when covid struck. I live alone and I think my parents worried but I've mainly been fine. I have friends and dont mind alone time.

But since I've returned they crave closeness with me to the the point of suffocation. I was added to a family WhatsApp where my parents try to interact with me every day. My mum wants to talk multiple times a day every day mostly and wants to see me often. My dad phones for long phone calls every week.

I love my parents but I never wanted this level of closeness with them. I don't know how to broach this without upsetting them but it is starting to get me down. Any advice?

It is so bad it is actually making me think I need to get away from them again geographically. I don't really want to have to take that step though.

Can you not communicate? I mean you’re in your late 20s and you’d rather run away than ask your parents to give you a bit a of space?

My mother doesnt take criticism well. She asked everything personally. I can imagine her saying something like 'you're being ridiculous, I just love' which she actually more or less did say when I lightly tried to bring it up before.

I feel like I need to create boundaries now but they are quite over bearing.

If you feel that strongly then you have to be honest.

My adult DD likes to phone me multiple times, daily, after falling out with her best friend. I've had to tell her that it's too much. A lot of the time I put her on loud speaker and carry on doing stuff while she talks on.

Takes everything personally* sorry

Just say “look I love you and I know you both love me very much but I can we time back the messages a bit, it’s holding me back doing any work and sometimes i just need a bit of piece and quiet” that way you are expressing what you need rather than saying they are doing anything wrong

If they both want to phone you loads, moving away won’t have any impact on that-unless you move somewhere without a phone signal, I guess!

Can you withdraw?

You do need to put boundaries in place. Your Mother doesn't respect you as an Adult. This might be a bit rocky at first, but you'll come through it and have a more respectful relationship.

I think it's quite harsh not to be able to talk to your own Mum once a day. But if it is too suffocating mute the What's app and only respond to that and the phone when you want to. Hope that gives you a bit of space.

I mean realistically you can either have an argument when/if she takes it personally or you can move away and hope you have no signal ... if the row is that horrendous you can always still move!

But it did have an impact @Redlocks28. When I lived abroad I caught up with my mum sporadically and messaged 2 or 3 times a week. My dad spoke to me about 3 times on the phone over a 4 year period!

But now it is constant. It has made me feel less of an independent adult, I'm being treated as a child again. I know it sounds pathetic but my dad keeps using a babyish nickname from when I was a small child in the family whatsapp and I got so sick of it I muted the chat and told him so this week. I made a joke he could stop now and he told me to lighten up.

Or you can just try and train them by starting to reduce how much you answer (maybe give them a heads up that you’re going to be busy or something if they’re worriers) so answer every fourth message or something

Look the other things I didnt mention is that my mum was a high functioning alcoholic in my childhood. She finally got help 2 years ago and has been doing well since then.

But I still have certain feelings about things that happened and that is probably why I struggle to have the close relationship she wants.

I'm not able for confrontation so I'd just not answer the phone. Probably not the best approach but it's a halfway house at least. Nobody has any news now right now anyway so daily calls are a bit pointless!

I mean my mum and dad are great and always have been but feeling obligated to speak every day would bug me too. Use my suggestion above.

Exactly @LouiseTrees. The family WhatsApp was only established due to covid to keep in touch. But now the family talks there every.single day.

Are they also bored and lonely on lockdown?

@Willow79

Exactly *@LouiseTrees*. The family WhatsApp was only established due to covid to keep in touch. But now the family talks there every.single day.

You know you can leave the group right? And say you’ll phone them instead every couple of days, then stretch out the period longer and longer

I can leave the group but I know I'll be questioned about it. God listen to me! The fact I know I'll get this reaction just proves it isnt me, it's them. My mum is known for being quite controlling in the family.

For now I've muted the group. I don't know why I feel so bad about putting boundaries in place for the sake of my own life and health.

Just remember you only have your parents for so long. Wish I still had mine.

I understand @sassafras123. I know I am lucky to have them and to have supportive parents.

They probably wish they had a child that was a bit less independent! But the fact is that I am and i don't want a relationship with them I feel is teetering on co dependent. I think maybe I will just have to stop replying as much to begin with.

When my mums messaged or rang me too much I just say ‘I’ll catch up with you when I’m free’... and then ring her a couple of days later.
You say she doesn’t take criticism well but it that it ignore them.

Maybe your mum feels guilty for how she was in the past and is trying to make it up to you?

Mute the chat. Don’t answer the phone every time. She’s phoning multiple times a day? That’s not on, aren’t you working? I would find that extremely frustrating. My mum (also functioning alcoholic, can’t make up for the childhood we had) wants to be close but I don’t. I phone maybe weekly but refuse to keep my phone on me 24/7 so miss calls. Do you live near them?

Just be busy. Answer the phone when you want. That’s the beauty of texts, what’s app , emails etc. You don’t have to reply immediately. If they question you or give you a hard time just say you were working or engrossed in something. You need to take more control and not be so passive about it all. You don’t have to have a confrontation or even say that’s what you’re doing. Sorry I’m not normally so abrupt but you’re acting like a child.