To be suffocated by my relationship with my parents since moving home?

[Willow79]

I am only child and because of that I have always been a focus for my parents. I am late 20s and have spent half my 20s living abroad. During this time my parents would visit me once or twice a year and we had a distant but pleasant enough relationship (well actually - my relationship with my mother was fine but I grew apart from my dad who stopped contacting me at all really).

I returned home to the UK last year to live. It was hard as I was just settling back in when covid struck. I live alone and I think my parents worried but I've mainly been fine. I have friends and dont mind alone time.

But since I've returned they crave closeness with me to the the point of suffocation. I was added to a family WhatsApp where my parents try to interact with me every day. My mum wants to talk multiple times a day every day mostly and wants to see me often. My dad phones for long phone calls every week.

I love my parents but I never wanted this level of closeness with them. I don't know how to broach this without upsetting them but it is starting to get me down. Any advice?

I also think you would benefit from talking to someone. There’s a lot to unpack. And it’s okay to feel smothered, I feel like this with my own DM sometimes. She’s an only, so just has my DF, my sister and me, and a distant cousin. Sometimes her calls and messages become a bombardment, and I have to remind her that I have work, and other commitments, and she will have to wait for a reply.

I would suggest you do not check their messages and respond to them once a day. If it's not important, do not bother responding. When they call you, let it go to voicemail if you are not up for a chat. Call them later and tell them you are busy if questioned about not answering calls. You don't need to have a big chat about it with your parents... Just respond and answer to the degree you are comfortable. They will reduce the contact once they realise they do not have access to you all the time.

I think the advice to "establish healthy boundaries" is fine as far as it goes, but if you have had a childhood with dysfunction or abuse, the situation is a bit different. First of all, perhaps you (like me) don't want to spend a whole lot of emotional effort on a relationship that was never all that good. You might decide to do as I did, and use excuses ("dodgy battery" on the phone, not allowed to look at WhatsApp at work etc) to limit your contact rather than having an honest conversation, because you are content with leaving the relationship surface but cordial. Second, it's a lot harder to have healthy boundaries with unhealthy people, no matter how healthy you are yourself. I came out of my childhood unable to communicate good boundaries; I learned how to do it, I have decent boundaries with workmates, my kids, my partner - but my mother is still all or nothing, she still wants to pretend we're best mates and gets very angry if I do or say anything that contradicts that. I actually went no contact with my mother (long story short she started exhibiting some abusive behaviours around my kids) but if I didn't have kids I would still probably be having that surface, cordial but not close relationship that we had before. I saw it as about the optimum relationship we could have. I don't know, maybe if I tried harder there was a way through where she would have learned to take it on the chin if I didn't have time to talk, but I doubt it, and part of recovering from my childhood experiences has been giving up the idea that I can change my mother's behaviour by changing my own.

I don't know if any of that is helpful, I don't know your situation exactly - I guess I am saying, don't feel bad if you have to fudge a solution to this!

@JanePook

are thee the same parents that you would hope would help you onto the housing ladder, whom you will no doubt inherit enough to be comfortable and whom you have likely asked for financial support at some point? You are unreasonable OP. Yes you need to manage the frequency of responding and your availabiilty but they are likely to be bored and stuck together in the house due to lockdown and covid and perhaps needing contact with you. how devastated would either of them be if they knew about this post?

She doesn't sound financially dependent on parents! Are you suggesting she should have a false relationship because of any inheritance that may happen in the future??

OP in your situation i would message the family WhatsApp and say what's everyone up to this morning? I'm snowed under with work then I'm off out / looking forward to putting my feet up with some peace and quiet.I'll give you a call in a few days when things calm down.

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who really don't understand how intense an only child/parents relationship can get.

Not true, I'm an only child and it wouldn't change the advice I gave.

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who really don't understand how intense an only child/parents relationship can get

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who really don't understand how intense an child/alcoholic parents relationship can get.

As a child you are rejected for alcohol. Now they have rejected the alcohol, they want you back in their life. But you have moved on. You have been damaged by their actions, some they probably can't even remember and anyway she was drunk so it doesn't count, does it? Don't be so silly, let's all be friends and chat all the time and go on holiday... when the child inside you who had to learn not to depend on them and become resilient is going Your dad is possibly annoying you left the situation, left him to deal with her alone. She's trying to both pretend it never happened and to make up for it. You're - well, god knows how you're feeling, you just want them off your back for a while so you don't have to think about it. Sound right?

@IsFinnRogersDead

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who really don't understand how intense an only child/parents relationship can get

I think there are a lot of people on this thread who really don't understand how intense an child/alcoholic parents relationship can get.

As a child you are rejected for alcohol. Now they have rejected the alcohol, they want you back in their life. But you have moved on. You have been damaged by their actions, some they probably can't even remember and anyway she was drunk so it doesn't count, does it? Don't be so silly, let's all be friends and chat all the time and go on holiday... when the child inside you who had to learn not to depend on them and become resilient is going Your dad is possibly annoying you left the situation, left him to deal with her alone. She's trying to both pretend it never happened and to make up for it. You're - well, god knows how you're feeling, you just want them off your back for a while so you don't have to think about it. Sound right?

I would say that is spot on

Stop answering every message and answering every call. Mute your mums whatsapp so it doesn't go off all day and check in at the evening or whenever you fancy and reply to anything that actually needs a reply.

When your dad rings, speak for a bit then say "ok well I'd better get off, gotta make dinner/ put the washing out/meet someone." If he asks a question afterwards answer and then say bye.

I speak to all my four on a daily basis usually and that’s mainly them contacting me. I’m really glad to have such closeness with them but would understand if they wanted less contact.
I wish I still had my parents to call and visit.

@Helendee

I speak to all my four on a daily basis usually and that’s mainly them contacting me. I’m really glad to have such closeness with them but would understand if they wanted less contact. I wish I still had my parents to call and visit.

Wow. I would have to either quit my job, send my offspring to boarding school, or outsource all housework and cooking, to manage that!

wow this does sound extreme.
My mum keeps ringing me at 3pm when she finishes work, she doesn't seem to get that I work 9-6, even though I've told her many times! hers is a more vocational job, whereas I work from home and can be totally flexible with my time. So she doesn't get that although I could call at 3pm, I'd rather have an unbroken day and do it at 6 / the weekend. Recently she keeps asking me what's new, but the answer is literally nothing!

Your parents sound more extreme, but maybe setting particular times to talk is the answer? eg a short call on a wednesday evening and a longone on a sunday? And maybe encourage them to get a hobby?

OP, you are right to need to set boundaries.

In relation to WhatsApp or phone calls, my job requires me to have my phone on silent during work hours (as I may be in Court). And I now just have it on silent all the time. My friends and family all know this and it’s fine. Any text or phone call between 8-6 won’t be answered unless work allows it. Couldn’t you say work won’t let check it in work hours. Then check at say 6pm, answer texts and end with, off to the gym/out for dinner etc. And then don’t look again until the same time the next night. If they say something, just repeat that you aren’t free to look at your phone until that time each night.

In relation to the telephone calls. I would set weekly or fortnightly calls, and make them 1 hour before you have to do something. So you start the call by saying, I’m off to play touch football/meet someone for drinks/work at 6pm, but I had an hour, how are you? I put people on speaker phone and potter away at other jobs (usually cleaning) and then at the end I interrupt and say “is that the time? Gosh, it flys! Must go to touch football, let’s pick this up next week!”

Job done.

Then just stand firm on any guilt trips, or attempts to disrupt the schedule, by batting them to the weekly phone call. “Oh you want to talk more? Let’s talk about that in our Sunday phone call.” “What I had for dinner? Rushing quickly to the gym, let’s talk about it on Sunday”

They will get the boundaries once they run into them a few times and see they are strong.

Also, you may find you enjoy talking to your parents once it in a limited time, and not any/all the time.

OP your parents sound rather like my late in laws. DH is an only child and they were overbearing. DH moved to the other end of the country to get some space when he went to university - he knew he would get none if he ever moved back to his own city. He would religiously phone his mother once a week, same day same time. I think this helped, knowing he would never forget to call.

Ahhhh. I have one child and unable to have any more. I dread the day my child grows up and moves away.

Please don't push them away. My heat breaks for your parents.

OP I'm sorry to hear this, it sounds like a nightmare

I would speak to them frankly. They might be hurt but the alternative, long term putting up with this, is pretty awful.

when my dad died, after mum got over the shock I had some issues with her asking questions about the minute detail of my life. We used to have a daily phone chat - excluding when I had a night out after work - but suddenly it became stuff like "what have you had for dinner" and "tell me about work in major detail".

I had to say to her very gently that I am not a person who wants any kind of relationship that goes into that level of detail and that while I was aware she needed company after losing dad, it was a big strain on me to talk about what bills came in the post that day or whatever.

she took it pretty well. A mature person would.

Don't let this go on. It will be a nightmare.

@lemonsquashie

Ahhhh. I have one child and unable to have any more. I dread the day my child grows up and moves away.

Please don't push them away. My heat breaks for your parents.

I have one child too. I adore him. I will miss his daily presence, I’m sure, but I’ll be delighted to see him head off and explore the world, and DH and I have lots of travels and working stints abroad planned when he’s no longer living with us. I’ll be fascinated to hear what he’s up to, but am certainly not planning to sit about staring wistfully at the phone.

Why does the child matter less than the mother/ father? She feels smothered, it is too much. Why are then parents feelings automatically more important than her discomfort?

But what is the worst that would happen if your parents did take it personally? Surely you'd still all bed better off in the long run being honest about it all.

@Comtesse

Why does the child matter less than the mother/ father? She feels smothered, it is too much. Why are then parents feelings automatically more important than her discomfort?

Exactly...it is the parents that are doing the pushing away here by refusing to accept and respect that their daughter is an adult.

@SlightDrizzle

Of course, you're right. It's something I'll no doubt come to terms with. It's something to be aware of is it it. Not to allow child to feel smothered and drive them away and make them feel guilty

@Comtesse

Why does the child matter less than the mother/ father? She feels smothered, it is too much. Why are then parents feelings automatically more important than her discomfort?

Of course. I empathise with both OP and the parents. I have been in both positions myself

[quote lemonsquashie]@SlightDrizzle

Of course, you're right. It's something I'll no doubt come to terms with. It's something to be aware of is it it. Not to allow child to feel smothered and drive them away and make them feel guilty [/quote]
I think you're right, @lemonsquashie -- I don't think any reasonable parent wants to guilt a child into hanging around them indefinitely. My parents had so many children I doubt they even noticed when I (eldest) flew the coop , but I'm certainly aware of not wanting to pressurise DS into thinking he needs to live in the same country as us or anything like that.

I'm an only child of a widowed father and the pressure is immense. Multiple messages every day, without fail. Voice messages on WhatsApp five times minimum every day. He's very dependent on me and it is very tough. I love him but I wish he would take some of the pressure off.

Not sure I understand this

she isnt phoning multiple times a day sorry, she is sending several messages on whatsapp .... but it is just too much for me.

There may be some healing for you to do, so that you are comfortable doing the obvious thing which is to mute the conversation and only reply as often as you want to. OK your mother may complain but honestly , what can she do?

Getting yourself comfortable with this fact is where the counselling or healing is necessary.

@FinallyHere honestly she can't do anything, but dealing with an argument with my mother isnt something I really want

In the early stages of lockdown I didnt reply to her for several hours one night. She contacted me again asking why I was ignoring her and this descended into telling me how selfish I was. I actually stopped speaking to her for a few days. She apologised and blamed her mental health at the time. But no wonder I feel I need to tip toe around her.

I honestly don't know what therapy can do for me. It seems like an expensive way of telling me what I already know. Ok it might help me get some of my feelings out.

Clearly I need to start enforcing my boundaries carried more strongly. She just sent me unsoliticed advice tonight and it annoyed me so much I'm.just going to ignore it completely.

Since I returned her and my dad are masters of unsolicited advice on how I should live. I lived in 2 foreign countries for years with no issues - it is actually intolerable to be treated like this.