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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be suffocated by my relationship with my parents since moving home?

102 replies

Willow79 · 03/12/2020 21:05

I am only child and because of that I have always been a focus for my parents. I am late 20s and have spent half my 20s living abroad. During this time my parents would visit me once or twice a year and we had a distant but pleasant enough relationship (well actually - my relationship with my mother was fine but I grew apart from my dad who stopped contacting me at all really).

I returned home to the UK last year to live. It was hard as I was just settling back in when covid struck. I live alone and I think my parents worried but I've mainly been fine. I have friends and dont mind alone time.

But since I've returned they crave closeness with me to the the point of suffocation. I was added to a family WhatsApp where my parents try to interact with me every day. My mum wants to talk multiple times a day every day mostly and wants to see me often. My dad phones for long phone calls every week.

I love my parents but I never wanted this level of closeness with them. I don't know how to broach this without upsetting them but it is starting to get me down. Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Willow79 · 03/12/2020 21:50

@Cherrysoup she isnt phoning multiple times a day sorry, she is sending several messages on whatsapp a day. Yeah I work 9-5.

We live half an hour from each other. Having gone from a 5 hour distance to half an hour they have been taking advantage of it but it is just too much for me.

OP posts:
LisaLee333 · 03/12/2020 21:52

@Willow79

Blimey, I feel quite sorry for them. I mean, God forbid they should want a relationship with their ONLY child.

And as for "I love my parents but I never wanted this level of closeness with them." That's a total oxymoron. You claim you love them, yet don't want to be close to them.

Several other posters on here have the same cold attitude towards their parents. How depressing. Sad

If you avoid and ignore and ghost them enough, maybe they will take the hint, and stop bothering you. Maybe you could move back abroad, so you're even further away from them, as they cause you SO much bother, by wanting a relationship with their only child. Hmm

Just wait til you have kids of your own though, and you have no parents around, because you've driven them away.

Be careful what you wish for.

slashlover · 03/12/2020 21:52

@sassafras123

Just remember you only have your parents for so long. Wish I still had mine.
Replies like this annoy me.
HappygoLucie · 03/12/2020 21:53

So your options are tell your parents and risk your mum being upset or reacting badly OR move away again and barely speak to them? It sounds like you need to be proactive, tell them truthfully that you need some space, they're taking up too much of your time or you're too busy to chat all the time. If they react bad you got what you wanted anyway which is not a relationship with them. All of your posts have suggested you don't know what you want so either way you're going to end up in a mess if you don't just grow up and deal with it

Thelnebriati · 03/12/2020 21:54

IDK if this helps but from this short thread, you seem to have a healthy view of everything that's happened, you know where your boundaries are and you are aware of the risks of co-dependency. You come across as mature, articulate and well balanced.

By contrast, your parents sound like they may be stuck in the Karpman Drama Triangle. If you can research it and it sounds familiar, it may give you some ideas of how to move forwards.

slashlover · 03/12/2020 21:54

And as for "I love my parents but I never wanted this level of closeness with them." That's a total oxymoron. You claim you love them, yet don't want to be close to them.

You can love them but feel smothered at the same time.

carlaCox · 03/12/2020 21:56

Wow you sound exactly like me!

So the mistake I made was not setting boundaries early enough and then it just got worse and worse. This year was the first year I actually said no to something and didn't cave. In January they were putting huge pressure on me to do another family holiday with them (to a place I didn't want to go to). I have really limited holiday as it is and wanted to spend it with my partner and friends. Anyway they really guilt tripped me, my mum took it personally, my dad called to say "your mum is so upset". The full works. But I held out and it was completely the right thing to do.

The emotional blackmail is really hard to take (especially when you have to deal with crying on the phone etc) but it's just not on. I realised if I didn't make a stand now I'd be dealing with it for the rest of my life.

thelake · 03/12/2020 21:56

OP I get you, but for some reason this thread makes me feel sad. I'm the parent to an only although she is only 6 and worry that I will end up like this. I can't imagine not speaking to her daily even when she is an adult

SlightDrizzle · 03/12/2020 21:59

@Ukholidaysaregreat

I think it's quite harsh not to be able to talk to your own Mum once a day. But if it is too suffocating mute the What's app and only respond to that and the phone when you want to. Hope that gives you a bit of space.
Seriously? I moved back from years abroad a year ago in part to see more of family, and it has literally never occurred to me to talk daily to either parent!
JanePook · 03/12/2020 21:59

are thee the same parents that you would hope would help you onto the housing ladder, whom you will no doubt inherit enough to be comfortable and whom you have likely asked for financial support at some point? You are unreasonable OP. Yes you need to manage the frequency of responding and your availabiilty but they are likely to be bored and stuck together in the house due to lockdown and covid and perhaps needing contact with you. how devastated would either of them be if they knew about this post?

Original poster
Willow79 · 03/12/2020 22:01

@carlaCox am I looking in the mirror? Same thing happened to me this year too!

They piled on the pressure massively about a family holiday and I simply said no - they pushed and shoved and I still said no. I suppose that was me drawing a boundary.

@thelake but I do wonder if this expectation to speak daily is a modern thing? Surely thirty years ago people didnt talk to their parents daily?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 03/12/2020 22:02

What's app, ignore it, look at it when you've got time and feel it fits your boundaries.

Phone calls, call screening, answer twice a week maybe.

Unless they're popping round you're in control.

If they ask, I'm really busy at work at the moment so I need my downtime b

DartmoorDoughnut · 03/12/2020 22:02

I mean tbf it sounds like the parents fucked up your early life with alcoholism (mum) and being distant (dad) BUT if you want an actual relationship you’re going to have to actually talk to them and set out some ground rules, or you run away and hope it just sorts itself out. How about just being honest and tell them that how you communicated whilst you lived abroad worked well for you?

carlaCox · 03/12/2020 22:03

I moved back from years abroad a year ago in part to see more of family, and it has literally never occurred to me to talk daily to either parent!

Same! What on earth do you talk about every day? What you ate for breakfast?

Original poster
Willow79 · 03/12/2020 22:04

@carlaCox last message tonight was literally asking what I was having for dinner. So almost!

OP posts:
hellolittlebaby · 03/12/2020 22:05

Maybe they're lonely?

Have their lives/routines changed a lot due to Covid? Are they stuck inside a lot more? Or do they not have many friends?

SallySaidHi · 03/12/2020 22:07

@Ukholidaysaregreat

I think it's quite harsh not to be able to talk to your own Mum once a day. But if it is too suffocating mute the What's app and only respond to that and the phone when you want to. Hope that gives you a bit of space.
What part of My mum wants to talk multiple times a day every day mostly and wants to see me often didn't you understand?
SlightDrizzle · 03/12/2020 22:08

@carlaCox

I moved back from years abroad a year ago in part to see more of family, and it has literally never occurred to me to talk daily to either parent!

Same! What on earth do you talk about every day? What you ate for breakfast?

Yes! I mean, I’m enormously fond of both parents and we have a nice relationship, but the idea of daily chats is alien to me!
Original poster
Willow79 · 03/12/2020 22:09

Aside from one family friend and time with my dad, my mum has never had many friends, not since I was about 10. Alcohol was her main friend. It has always been my worry that I would eventually become her only friend. She did have a hobby before lockdown though.

My dad is different. He has hobbies and a lot of friends. He just loves hour long chats on the phone! I dont but I suck it up every other week

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 03/12/2020 22:09

Look the other things I didnt mention is that my mum was a high functioning alcoholic in my childhood. She finally got help 2 years ago and has been doing well since then.

For now I've muted the group. I don't know why I feel so bad about putting boundaries in place for the sake of my own life and health.

Don’t you see the connection between these two things? This situation is about much more than a whats app group. Therapy could really help you. I know because I also had an alcoholic mother and it completely messed me up. I didn’t get therapy until my 50s and I wish I’d got it a lot earlier. It’s helped me enormously.

AnnaMagnani · 03/12/2020 22:11

I'm an only child and I had this in my 20s.

I love my mum very much but it was a hideous time and I stopped taking their calls altogether.

Eventually they got the message that I was available and I still loved them but I was an adult, not available 24/7 and didn't share all of my life with them.

Also I needed therapy to do this. It was a hard hard time and without it, we probably would be NC now.

Headfellofftheangel · 03/12/2020 22:11

I think maybe you should look at al-anon or possibly a therapist in order to help you deal with the anger and resentment you may well feel even subconsciously with your mum due to the alcoholism. It’s SO difficult to let go of the hurt and resentment and sort of sadness of the child who had to deal with that. It might also help you get some coping therapies for your parents’ behaviour now that works for you but is kind and empathetic to them.

I absolutely understand what it’s like to be in your twenties and just not want that level of interaction (I lived cheerfully on the other side of the world) but now I’m in my very early forties it’s a shock to me how many of my friends’ parents are dead and one of mine is quite ill. Just try and find a coping mechanism that gives you space without burning any bridges, I guess is what I’m saying. I know it’s hard.

Headfellofftheangel · 03/12/2020 22:14

Looks like a lot of us are saying the same thing! I went to a therapist in my late twenties after a disastrous break up, announced first thing ‘this is nothing to do with my parents’ then howled like a banshee about exactly my parents for an hour. SO cathartic, and life changing Grin

Original poster
Willow79 · 03/12/2020 22:14

@LizzieSiddal I suppose it isnt. For me it is fairly simple - we were never very close when i was growing up. Now i feel she is pushing this almost faux closeness on me.

Dont get me wrong - I do like spending time with her just not all the time. I'm not sure what good therapy would do? I recognise why I feel the way I do and am seeking advice on boundaries. Not sure I want to throw my money at someone to basically be told this is what I should do.

OP posts:
inthekitchensink · 03/12/2020 22:16

Wow I could write exactly the same! Only child, years ago I came home from working abroad and struggled so much with the constant contact. My parents are divorced so no group chat but several messages a day each.

I learned to message both once a day, at the end of the day, on my own terms, unless of course there was something serious going on. Twice a week phone call. No need to stress boundaries, they get it in time that you’re busy, and not going to chat all day.

Just plan to tone it down, to twice a day then once a day replies. Happy, breezy, call you on Sunday, etc etc

It gets easier 💐

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