To think that you don’t always need to be grateful for a gift?

[Notcontent]

There are always so many threads about people receiving gifts that they don’t like or are just a bit shitty really, and invariably so many people pull the lines “you should be grateful for any present”, “stop being materialistic”, etc.

I really disagree with that! I think it really depends on the context. Of course sometimes it is true that “it’s the thought that counts” - so your grandma might get you some hand cream that you would not choose yourself, but it’s the fact that she thought of you that really matters.

But not always. Gift giving is often done for reasons unrelated to the giver really wanting to be nice. It’s often to make a point about something or to make the giver feel good about themselves. I have an aunt who has always seen herself as “a generous person who treats people”. But she is actually quite tight with her money. I remember one Christmas she sent my dd (who was probably 10 or 11) some soap that was clearly from a charity shop (damaged packaging and off smell) plus a plastic necklace - the kind of thing you might get from a pound shop for dressing up for your 3 year old. I didn’t feel grateful and I think my dd felt quite embarrassed/confused why someone would give her such things as a “present”. I think this is quite common.

You're right, OP, some gifts aren't given with love. Some are given with the opposite of good intentions. No need to feel grateful for those.

It depends. Countdowntonothing has it right, I think.

One year a relative bought me a book from a popular series that I dislike. It wasn't a gift that I loved, but I was very appreciative because she remembered that I liked reading, and even that I liked that genre. Not at all her fault that I wasn't a fan of the particular author.

The relative who has bought me high heeled shoes and sparkly little handbags when my personal style is clearly very much the opposite, though? I'm less impressed. Yes, someone spent money on me, but the gift feels like a criticism.

I also had the 'gift aimed at a much younger child' from an older relative once - later discovered that she picked two gifts and bought multiples, giving one to almost all the boys in the family and one to the girls, whether aged 5 or 15. Predictably, ours was pink tat, too.

My MIL's gift one Christmas was 4 cheap plastic table mats from Madeira, where they had been on a 2 week cruise ( at our expense) and a small gift bag of free toiletries from the cruise. To be honest, I was not very grateful.

Agreed. I also think that when it's your partner there should be a higher 'standard' for getting it right. They should know your tastes and likes and dislikes if you've been together a while. I particularly dislike being ignored if I've asked for C and get D because the giver decides its better in some way. It's patronising and annoying.

Gifts can be passive-aggressive, eg my best friend at school struggled with her weight and her aunts always bought her diet books and exercise gear etc. She hated it and them!
An aunt of mine once gave me a scarf with stains on it that she’d clearly either used herself or got second hand and sat smirking at me as my siblings opened lovely, new thoughtful gifts.

It is gracious to thank them even if it is a thoughtless gift.
If it from you OH and they bought any old crap that was handy you can be ungrateful.
A passive aggressive gift comes from a small minded person I'd probably tell them to keep it.

I won't be grateful for a Secret Santa present which are usually "joke" presents and pointless and eco-unfriendly tat.

I really wish the whole secret santa thing could be knocked on the head.

If someone gave me a bag or clothes item that didn't fit in with my personal style I wouldn't see it as a criticism, I would just think they had no taste and it would go to the charity shop at the first opportunity.

I agree OP. I usually receive some Christmas gifts from members of my Stepdad's extended family and while yes it's nice that they think to include me, they are invariably not at all to my taste, or a generic 'Boots 3 for 2' type gift that it's clear no thought at all has gone into.

They're always a reminder that these people don't really know me at all (I spent 5 years living in a flat with just a shower for example. I can't tell you how much bubble bath I received in that time) and are just gift giving because 'it's the done thing'.

Receiving them makes me feel awkward, I feel guilty that I don't buy back for them (weird set up - even though I'm nearly 40 I'm still my Mum & Stepdad's 'kid' and the kids in the family don't buy for the 'adults'), I invariably end up with more 'stuff' stuck in the back of drawers and I genuinely, really, would prefer they just either save the money or give it to charity.

I agree to some extent.

What's more damaging is the assumption that people who are giving are also 'kind' by default. This is simply not true. Some of the most manipulative people I know are also the most overtly generous. People give for a variety for reasons and it's not always altruistic. Unfortunately, people get suckered into this way of thinking all the time on MN. 'So and so did bought this for you, she's so kind...how ungrateful can you be!' (when actually, the giver has demonstrated in other ways that they're behaving very uncharitably).

I agree.
I absolutely despise being bought something I don’t want and never asked for. The waste of money so angers me, then you’re supposed to be grateful !
I would far rather people buy me nothing, keep their money and buy themselves something.

I don't appreciate broken/damaged or passed on gifts that are so crap they have to go in the bin. I'd rather get a really nice card instead.

I agree. We’ve spent lockdown doing a massive declutter so that we can accommodate three rapidly growing children in our three bed house. We’ve had to be really ruthless about what stays or goes and have invested £££ in new storage furniture, etc.

Family member then announces they’re ‘gifting’ one of the DC their entire collection of model trains and train set. Like 30 years’ worth of collection. I could cry. And I certainly don’t feel grateful. It’s not a a favour to me or the DC to basically empty the contents of your loft into my already too small house.

@RUOKHon

I agree. We’ve spent lockdown doing a massive declutter so that we can accommodate three rapidly growing children in our three bed house. We’ve had to be really ruthless about what stays or goes and have invested £££ in new storage furniture, etc.

Family member then announces they’re ‘gifting’ one of the DC their entire collection of model trains and train set. Like 30 years’ worth of collection. I could cry. And I certainly don’t feel grateful. It’s not a a favour to me or the DC to basically empty the contents of your loft into my already too small house.

At that point I’d be tempted to say ‘That’s lovely. Why don’t you keep them at yours and he /she can play with them when they visit?’

Not sure about this. I would have said don't be so ungrateful, if someone takes the time and expense to give you something, you say thank you and accept it with good grace.
But after the story about the train set I'm remembering the one of 3 plastic tea sets my Nan got my daughter despite me saying she's got 2 already she doesn't play with but will turf out to get to what she wants and yes I didn't feel much gratitude.
@RUOKHon maybe you can eBay some of it, might be worth something 🤣

@rbmilliner that’s the plan!

@FippertyGibbett

I agree. I absolutely despise being bought something I don’t want and never asked for. The waste of money so angers me, then you’re supposed to be grateful ! I would far rather people buy me nothing, keep their money and buy themselves something.

I just came on to say the exact same thing! I hate waste too.

I agree with you to a large extent. My father spends a lot of money on useless tat that I neither like nor want. It all go straight in the food bank collection or charity shop.

It hurts that he knows so little about me that he can’t chose a nice present for me. It’s also such a colossal waste of money.

Also, I think it shows a real lack of thought and imagination when you get crap. I hate Secret Santa for this reason, I'd go to great lengths to think of something thoughtful and get rubbish in return. Fair enough if that's all anyone can afford but in that case, I'd rather we just spend time together instead, or go for a coffee (to me, time is a precious gift!).

You don't need to be grateful but you do need to be polite. Some people are just crap at giving gifts.

For our wedding we were very clear that gifts were not expected. We earn well and were happy to celebrate with our family.

For those who insisted we offered 2 clear options.
1- Donation to our chosen charity
2- Small items for our honeymoon (Ice creams, cocktails, chocolates, ferry ride...etc) all pretty low cost but cute stuff people seemed to like. (Something like this was requested as people wanted to choose something they ‘felt good’ about giving us. Fair enough).

We specifically requested people not buy or gift us random other items as we did not have space and were needing to move house.

A family member of mine (known for their gifting) had a full set of towels monogramed. They spelt my DH’s name wrong!! Despite it being on the invite and website...and it being a pretty standard name!

They made a huge fuss of telling everyone what they’d got us. Anyone who would listen.

We donated them to a local cat charity.

This is why I always tell people exactly what j want. My family know not to buy me anything that I haven't suggested or agreed to. Not only do I not want unless tat that j will never use around my house but I don't want them to waste the money on something that I will never use and will eventually go in the bin. I don't see anything wrong with that, and I always ask people what they want because I want them to have something they actually want, not what I decide they should have.

I know what you mean. I used to know a man in his 40s who was quite hard up cash wise, and had quite well off parents. Every Christmas they would give him ‘joke’ presents like children’s toys, or weird things from charity shops that he would never use or like. He would beg them to stop and just get him nothing, as he didn’t find it funny like they did. And they’d get really arsey with him and say he was being stroppy and presents weren’t a right etc etc.

The horrible thing was he could’ve really used the cash they wasted on dolls and ugly charity shop vases but they just didn’t seem to care. Truly bizarre behaviour.

I agree.

My mother in law spends lots of money, every year on Christmas and birthday gifts for my daughters. Of course, they’re very polite, they send thank you letters and stuff like that, but we have the same issue every year that she buys them stuff they are simply not interested in. Then gets upset when the kids don’t use/wear them.

Both my girls have hobbies that are a goldmine of present ideas ranging from a couple of quid

My younger daughter is horse mad, she lives in jodhpurs and spends her time shovelling shit and lugging hay nets about.

DD never wears make up, not interested in it in the slightest. Every year, MiL buys her a pile of make up sets - packs of glittery nail varnish, eye shadow palettes, lip glosses, etc.

They sit in DD’s room, unopened. DD doesn’t want to get rid of them as she feels that would be ungrateful, but to be honest, I’m not sure why she should be expected to be grateful.

DH has spoken to MiL very kindly time and time again about it, but she doesn’t take it on board.

I think they used to find it quite hurtful that their grandmother clearly didn’t know them very well, or listen to a word they said.

Dp got me a present for my birthday a few years ago. I opened it. I hated it. Think 'generic garden ornament' type thing. I don't have a fecking garden, so quite what he thought I was going to do with it is... open to debate. It wasn't even as though it was a private joke type thing. It was just shit. I said 'thank you' and smiled sweetly, but for the last three years, I have very pointedly left it EXACTLY where I opened it, because it was actually insulting that he couldn't think of anything else to give me.

He's upped his present game since.

I'm very much of the view that the present is about the thought behind it. I would rather be given a 50p 2nd hand Ladybird book from a charity shop, than a £50 pen.