To think that you don’t always need to be grateful for a gift?

[Notcontent]

There are always so many threads about people receiving gifts that they don’t like or are just a bit shitty really, and invariably so many people pull the lines “you should be grateful for any present”, “stop being materialistic”, etc.

I really disagree with that! I think it really depends on the context. Of course sometimes it is true that “it’s the thought that counts” - so your grandma might get you some hand cream that you would not choose yourself, but it’s the fact that she thought of you that really matters.

But not always. Gift giving is often done for reasons unrelated to the giver really wanting to be nice. It’s often to make a point about something or to make the giver feel good about themselves. I have an aunt who has always seen herself as “a generous person who treats people”. But she is actually quite tight with her money. I remember one Christmas she sent my dd (who was probably 10 or 11) some soap that was clearly from a charity shop (damaged packaging and off smell) plus a plastic necklace - the kind of thing you might get from a pound shop for dressing up for your 3 year old. I didn’t feel grateful and I think my dd felt quite embarrassed/confused why someone would give her such things as a “present”. I think this is quite common.

My nan and her sil once re-gifted the same awful scarf back and fore to each other over a number of Christmas's because they were both being passive aggressive, very entertaining for the rest of us

Yes, someone spent money on me, but the gift feels like a criticism
When I'd been married a couple of years my mil asked me why I never wore "a nice little dress". She's obsessed with clothes and missed no opportunity, no matter how smart I looked at weddings, events etc, if I hadn't thought of getting a nice dress instead of trousers for every occasion. Now, I just don't feel comfortable in dresses, a well cut trouser ensemble suits my shape much better and I've told her this over and over. So she bought me a dress for my birthday, as bold as brass. I was definitely not grateful. I changed it for a couple of pairs of black leggings. That showed her. I mean, who chooses a 'dress' for somebody else!?

I love Christmas time - if only we could cut out all the gifting to other adults it would be perfect. I dread opening presents from my SILs. They are both lovely people but I've rarely received a present that I either need or want.

One SIL does all her Christmas shopping in an absolute whirlwind, ticks all the boxes off as quick as she can and thinks you will love the present simply because she loves it herself. She'll have shopped in New York or Boston or at a craft fair so there will be no chance of exchanging it. I won't wear neon yellow, not this year, not any year, whether it is a t-shirt or a pair of leather gloves that would have been gorgeous in tan or black. She gets so excited and enthusiastic and she will leave our house thinking she has done wonderfully well again this year.

One SIL has DC EXACTLY the same age as our DC, so you would think we would be able to buy them present that would fit or would be age appropriate. Nope. Younger DC here is regularly gifted things that I think have been gifted to her DC and are too small. Last year our DD13 was the recipient of a onesie for a child aged 9-10. No gift receipts ever, and she can never locate the receipt if asked, and worse still, she will often pull off the card tags of the clothing so there is no possibility of exchanging items. And, honestly, no one wants anything Christmassy that arrives at our home in early January. I have managed, with some diplomacy to avoid the gift exchange for the last two years. I can't bear to lie. I have no room in my life for a pvc handbag the size of a suitcase, which still manages to have no room inside or a sweet tiny little felted one that has no room to hold anything and no closure popper or zip. I may appear to have been using the same handbag for the last 18 years, nope, I've had the same version in about 3 different colours in succession because I love it and it works for my lifestyle.

Lots of money spent on items that will go straight to the charity shop, I'm not bothered for myself, I hope that someone will enjoy the new things, but I do get disappointed for my children and I hate the waste involved in producing and transporting tat.

Of course, there is always the possibility that they will not enjoy what I have chosen for them, even though I will have put a lot of thought and effort into it, I always include gift receipts or regular receipt and I would not be a bit put out if they changed an item or took a refund.

It’s the thought that counts.

But if there’s no thought, it doesn’t really count.

(Mum, honestly you didn’t need to give me the half a multipack of black socks wrapped up in the old lady scarf you were wearing an identical one of. A voucher like you bought DH would have been fine).

It's why I always give money

The presents I get sometimes make me wonder if the givers have actually met me. A very good friend once bought me a shopping journal. WTF? Shopping is a necessary evil to me, not a pastime that needs to be recorded. I hate it so much that if I shop for more than an hour or so my hands start to swell and I come out in a rash. I do as much as I can online. The idea of spending a day browsing and stopping for over priced coffee is anathema to me. Another year she gave me a gardening diary. Again WTF? I bloody hate gardening! I pay a nice man to do it for me. And a diary? I used a Filofax until about 6 years ago and now i use my phone and iPad. I’m not Fred Flintstone for gods sake.

I think PPs are right that people often buy what they would like rather than matching gifts to the recipient. I hate it. I would so much rather they kept their money.

Within one circle of friends we do a Secret Santa now. I still mostly get Boots 3 for 2 toiletries that go straight to the charity shop or the local women’s shelter but at least it’s just one box of toiletries not seven or eight. And in my family circle we buy theatre tickets or go for a meal out. Or we did until this year. I am actually quids in atm because I spent £800 on theatre tickets for 2 groups and the money was refunded after the shows were cancelled!

W

It depends. I think usually you shoud be at least a bit grateful that someone made the effort, even if they got it wrong. However, I would not feel grateful for a gift that was a deliberate attempt to change me: e.g. to make me wear more frilly and 'feminine' clothes.

@goldenharvest

It's why I always give money

But even then you'll get some people arguing that you've taken the easy way out and not put any thought into it.

My two worst were both (sorry MNers) from MIL in the early days. One was a single boxed hankie. The top part of the box was originally gold paper, but the corners and edges were all scuffed and the hankie itself was dusty!!

The second was a few years later. When DP and I got together, his younger sister was very slim. I was a size 10 and she was an 8. And MIL used to make sly digs about the difference. But then she got married and had a baby, and went up to a size 16. So one year MIL got me the same 'petticoat' as SIL. It was a rotten shade of green to start with, but because MIL couldn't bear the thought that I was now slimmer than her daughter, as she bought a 16 for SIL, she bought me an 18. I was still a 10.

I said thank you, very politely, but the smile didn't quite reach my eyes.

Surprisingly DP and I are still together, many, many years later. He didn't take after his mum!

I got a bottle of gin last year from BIL and his wife. I hate gin, they've never seen me drink it and a quick text to DH would have confirmed I don't like it. Just proves they don't know me and have no interest IMO.

As a general principle I think one should be grateful for any gift given with affection and thought.

People wringing their hands about "waste" there's so much waste in every day life FFS. An inexpensive, thoughtful gift that's not exactly to your taste just be grateful, suck it up an regift it, it won't cost you to do that.

What does irritate me is people buying gifts for close family and friends without the slightest attempt to buy appropriately. For example my dad who has obviously known me all my life buys generously but he buys things he likes, without the slightest attempt to triangulate with what my actual interests are. Last year he requested a book from me for Christmas and then actually bought the same thing for me: it was about his specialist subject (something I have no interest in) and it suggested that not an ounce of thought had gone into it. It felt like a bit of a fuck you.

It's one thing to get it wrong with someone you don't know from a bar of soap if you're making an effort. Its quite another when its someone you've known for decades.

“It’s the thought that counts”, really means something when it comes to gift giving.

Some gifts have no thought put into them. Some of the reasons I’ve not been grateful or happy with a gift are when you can see a clear lack of thought of consideration behind it (e.g. when my husband gave me shampoo and shower gel that I buy in a typical Tesco shop. Or when a relative gave me a bracelet that was way too big for me and not something I would pick, simply because they liked the look of it. Their style was to buy things they liked and then decide later who to give it to).

In cases where no thought has gone into the gift, I don’t see why you should be grateful, although I’d still say thank you, as a courtesy. I just wouldn’t add anything else to my response, as I would for a thoughtful gift.

Regifting is just spreading the inconsiderate gift

You get some generic poorly chosen gift and you pass it on- the cycle of wasted crap continues.

Few years ago SIL was getting married. I had to call round to her house so she invited me in to see all the wedding gifts she’d received. Whilst in there I noticed one of her wedding gifts was a particularly ugly serving tray. Well, fast forward 3 months and guess what I got for my Christmas present from her. Yep! She dumped her ugly tray on me. She knew exactly what she was doing. She was deliberately being unkind.

I wasn’t particularly grateful for the Baylis and Harding gift set I got one year. Especially as I knew the giver was very fussy about the Jo Malone candles and expensive make up they expected to receive. It made me think how they thought of me, as I knew they wouldn’t buy it for people they actually cared about.

I also wasn’t too impressed one birthday with a load of tourist crap my friend bought me on her way home from the airport. Think fridge magnets, shot glasses with the country’s flag on, toys, it was just a complete load of rubbish. I wasn’t sure what on earth I was supposed to do with it all. It was a friend I had known for years so I just couldn’t work it out, it was so disappointing.

I really like buying people presents and get so much joy from seeing their faces, clearly sometimes it’s not reciprocated.

“It’s the thought that counts”, really means something when it comes to gift giving.

How true.
One year when I was about 11 or12 an aunt bought me a nightie. It was a size 20 (I was a skinny little thing then, barely a size 10) it was also hideous. A blue nylon thing trimmed with black lace. Just beyond comprehension that she could have thought that was suitable.

By contrast, the same year an elderly lady who my parents had befriended gave me one of her books. It was a book she must have owned for about 40 years and was on a subject she had realised interested me.

I was really pleased with the book and horrified by the nightie. I guess it all came down to the thought each person put in to what the recipient of the gift would actually like.

I remember when I was about 21 and working in my first job after uni and so eager to please and get on with everyone. I wasn’t driving and the office was quite out of the way so I had to take a train and then a bus across the city in the morning with a very short transfer window and I’d been late a couple of times - had explained my predicament to the manager at the time and worked over to make up etc. I passed my driving test shortly afterwards and ended up being taken on permanently so it all worked out ok.

But one of the women in the office who was a lot older than me (probably about the same age I am now!) bought me an alarm clock for secret Santa which I then opened in front of everyone in the office. Luckily for me I was too naive to realise what a nasty piece of work she was being and really liked the clock and kept it for years until I realised the dig behind it. I would have been crushed if I’d realised!

@thepeopleversuswork

As a general principle I think one should be grateful for any gift given with affection and thought.

People wringing their hands about "waste" there's so much waste in every day life FFS. An inexpensive, thoughtful gift that's not exactly to your taste just be grateful, suck it up an regift it, it won't cost you to do that.

What does irritate me is people buying gifts for close family and friends without the slightest attempt to buy appropriately. For example my dad who has obviously known me all my life buys generously but he buys things he likes, without the slightest attempt to triangulate with what my actual interests are. Last year he requested a book from me for Christmas and then actually bought the same thing for me: it was about his specialist subject (something I have no interest in) and it suggested that not an ounce of thought had gone into it. It felt like a bit of a fuck you.

It's one thing to get it wrong with someone you don't know from a bar of soap if you're making an effort. Its quite another when its someone you've known for decades.

It sounds like he was hoping you read it together?

I think its a bit harsh to call it a fuck you present when your dad just seems to be hoping he can share an interest with you.

It is so hard to buy gifts, stresses me out every year. Luckily we only do small or consumable gifts in my family so I can't go too far wrong. I do like buying for my DSis and partner though cos I can normally find something they'd like. My DF and DSF on the other hand, so hard to buy for.

Every single Christmas without fail, my DH receives a colouring book and crayons from his aunt.
We're in our fifties!
Just a normal kids colouring book, wrapped up in tinfoil.
Still, our grandkids appreciate it 😂

My MIL is the master of the bitchy, passive-aggressive statement present... A month after calling my DD1 a slut for playing with makeup (her own, btw) she sent her a tiny porcelain knickknack Cinderella coach that would have thrilled a four year old, but this was for her 13th birthday. To add insult to injury, it was wrapped in Dora the Explorer paper and the card mentioned “maintaining your innocence”, etc... Shortly afterward, when she sent $50 in a card to DD2 and $5 to her twin brother, DD2 called her out on it. (DH too fucking spineless of course.) DD2 was sent coat hangers for Christmas. I LOATHE HER. It’s been years since I have spoken to her. I will take a wooden stake to her funeral.

I was gifted a pair of shoes for Christmas by my dads girlfriend once that were a size 4 (I'm a 6) with a 6 inch stiletto heel.
I'm 5ft 10" and have never wore really high shoes, ever.
The material was holographic rainbow colours too, I'm a greys, blacks and neutrals dresser.
I definitely wasn't grateful so I would agree OP!

One year MIL got us a voucher for 2 nights in a hotel. The problem was is was just the hotel. No breakfast or dinner and it was 4 hours away and had to be taken midweek before the end of March.
We did use it but it ended up costing us several hundred euros plus we had to take annual leave, get the kids minded etc.
Bit of a non gift really.

Presents are a form of control

Ugh I hate the ‘you should be grateful’ thing.

My MIL is the queen of terrible gifts, misses the mark a lot. I think the worst for me was when she specifically asked me if my DH would like a suitcase on wheels for his birthday. We were really hard up at the time, I’d been made redundant and he was working two jobs, all of which she was aware of. Weekends away weren’t top of our priority list. I said he’d probably prefer some vouchers or money towards a couple of new t-shirts to treat himself (I was tactful!). She still bought the pissing suitcase. Probably because it’d been a bargain and she had to find someone to give it too.

YANBU, I would rather receive nothing than a gift that I don't lick, so much so I have told certain people that I don't want a present from them (I have said it nicely)