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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that you don’t always need to be grateful for a gift?

85 replies

Notcontent · 03/12/2020 14:57

There are always so many threads about people receiving gifts that they don’t like or are just a bit shitty really, and invariably so many people pull the lines “you should be grateful for any present”, “stop being materialistic”, etc.

I really disagree with that! I think it really depends on the context. Of course sometimes it is true that “it’s the thought that counts” - so your grandma might get you some hand cream that you would not choose yourself, but it’s the fact that she thought of you that really matters.

But not always. Gift giving is often done for reasons unrelated to the giver really wanting to be nice. It’s often to make a point about something or to make the giver feel good about themselves. I have an aunt who has always seen herself as “a generous person who treats people”. But she is actually quite tight with her money. I remember one Christmas she sent my dd (who was probably 10 or 11) some soap that was clearly from a charity shop (damaged packaging and off smell) plus a plastic necklace - the kind of thing you might get from a pound shop for dressing up for your 3 year old. I didn’t feel grateful and I think my dd felt quite embarrassed/confused why someone would give her such things as a “present”. I think this is quite common.

OP posts:

drumandthebass · 04/12/2020 07:54

It depends. If the thought was there but you just don't like it then I think you should be grateful. If like a relative of mine who gave euros to my daughters last Christmas and birthdays because they have got a lot of them and need to spend them, then no!

Lurchermom · 04/12/2020 08:03

@AmorFattyOwlOne

Agree. My xfil used to send five euro each to the kids and i thought why am i thanking him?? We stopped thanking him for the yearly insult.

That's a bit harsh. My nan used to put a fiver in our cards and we were very grateful. No it won't buy the earth but we could buy a couple of chocolate bars or an ice cream with it, which was her intention. It wasn't an insult, it was the kind of money traditionally a child might be gifted.

thedevilinablackdress · 04/12/2020 08:10

I don't know if anyone has suggested this upthread, but this is the perfect year to make it all stop! Just tell all the people who but you crap presents (or indeed everyo) that you're not doing gifts this year 'cos CVD

thedevilinablackdress · 04/12/2020 08:10

*everyone

ILikeStrongTea · 04/12/2020 08:11

My great aunt was terrible at presents. At Christmas the entire family would compare what we had been given that year, it was a bit of a light hearted joke among us all, so it was sad when she passed away as it was like a family tradition ended.

Winterwoollies · 04/12/2020 08:12

My in-laws are terrible at presents. I don’t know if they’re misguided or just thoughtless. One year I got given a dark brown pot, missing its lid, engraved with the names of obscure dead relatives of my husband.

Also my SIL has form for offloading bags and bags of broken and filthy toys and clothes from her kids for our baby. Who’s a few months old. Think ripped plastic macs for a seven year old, random loose and grubby but unused nappies, stained clothes, broken plastic toys. We got given four huge sacks of disgusting stuff and I left them by the front door as I didn’t really know what to do with them. They weren’t even complete toys, just bits of toys, really. Anyway, my ILs saw that they were there and kicked off. Even though my husband also didn’t want them, apparently I was the ‘princess’ who was too good for my SIL’s ‘generous’ gift. Fuck off. She couldn’t be arsed to go to the tip. Or, more likely, she feels sad or bad about bumming her children’s crap so she just gives it to us as it’s easier for her.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 04/12/2020 08:43

My DD’s BF’ s family have a very different gift giving ethos to us. I have always promoted that it’s the thought that counts and we also only buy for the people very close to us (so parents, own D.C. and little kids only). His family buy for everyone, cousins, aunties, neighbours and the gifts have to be of a financial value relative to the relationship and the amount they have spent on you. This is policed very closely.

Last year BF bought me a couple of bars of a particular own brand chocolate that I LOVE. My DD was very impressed with this, that he had remembered me saying how much I liked them and had gone to the trouble of visiting the particular supermarket to seek them out (as was I when I received them). However when he mentioned to his own mum what he had bought she was horrified and told him “you can’t give her that, it doesn’t even cost a fiver, you need to top it up with vouchers’. After much debate with DD he didn’t buy me vouchers and just gave me the two bars beautifully gift wrapped. I can honestly say that the thoughtfulness bought tears to my eyes. It meant so much more than someone giving me a huge box of toiletries I will never use or a hamper full of products I will never eat.

Thecobwebsarewinning · 04/12/2020 08:47

@thedevilinablackdress

Just say you aren’t doing gifts anymore because of waste. We’ve done this with adult siblings/cousins etc and most people have been delighted - at least no one had objected to my face. We also do it within our friendship group. We now have 1 secret Santa gift between about 10 women. I often still get a thoughtless gift I have no use for, but that’s better than 7 or 8!

BloggersBlog · 04/12/2020 20:48

This thread has made me think. I've always thought yes, be thankful etc etc but the passive aggressive gifts are shocking!!

The only time I've struggled to thank someone was when ExH and I had just had dd1, could hardly pay the mortgage as he'd been made redundant, living pretty much off child allowance.
On our anniversary we were hoping to get vouchers from family as they knew we were hard up. SiL trots over with a rather heavy gift, so not vouchers 😕 gave us 2 blue storage jars/pot things. Probably cost £30/40. Couldn't believe it when she said Hyacinth Bucket style "I know things are tight but I thought you deserved a treat"

Could've cried. Some people have no clue do they

thevassal · 04/12/2020 22:53

@sinful8
really? would you say the same if OP had bought her dad a nail varnish set, or Mrs Hinch's biography, or playstation 5 (I'm going with stereotypical things here just to make the point but really anything goes) - something he had absolutely no interest in and wouldn't even be expected to. Let's be honest, you wouldn't, you'd think "what a random and inappropriate present, why on earth would you think he'd like that?"

Or are women just expected to take a polite interest in what older men deem valuable?

It's OP's dad, whereas you've never met him. I'm sure she's probably the best placed to work out whether it was misguided affection or lack of interest, and, indeed, a "fuck you."

And if he wanted her to read the book with him she could have borrowed it after him, not wasted a present on two versions of the same thing! Reading isn't exactly a communal activity.

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