To think that you don’t always need to be grateful for a gift?

[Notcontent]

There are always so many threads about people receiving gifts that they don’t like or are just a bit shitty really, and invariably so many people pull the lines “you should be grateful for any present”, “stop being materialistic”, etc.

I really disagree with that! I think it really depends on the context. Of course sometimes it is true that “it’s the thought that counts” - so your grandma might get you some hand cream that you would not choose yourself, but it’s the fact that she thought of you that really matters.

But not always. Gift giving is often done for reasons unrelated to the giver really wanting to be nice. It’s often to make a point about something or to make the giver feel good about themselves. I have an aunt who has always seen herself as “a generous person who treats people”. But she is actually quite tight with her money. I remember one Christmas she sent my dd (who was probably 10 or 11) some soap that was clearly from a charity shop (damaged packaging and off smell) plus a plastic necklace - the kind of thing you might get from a pound shop for dressing up for your 3 year old. I didn’t feel grateful and I think my dd felt quite embarrassed/confused why someone would give her such things as a “present”. I think this is quite common.

@RUOKHon

I agree. We’ve spent lockdown doing a massive declutter so that we can accommodate three rapidly growing children in our three bed house. We’ve had to be really ruthless about what stays or goes and have invested £££ in new storage furniture, etc.

Family member then announces they’re ‘gifting’ one of the DC their entire collection of model trains and train set. Like 30 years’ worth of collection. I could cry. And I certainly don’t feel grateful. It’s not a a favour to me or the DC to basically empty the contents of your loft into my already too small house.

Put your foot down there. Don't accept it, that's just cheeky fuckery.

Yup my grandma once gave me a year diary for the year we were currently in for my birthday. My birthday is October.

I always say get me nothing. That is the best gift. People tend to need to buy a gift to make themselves feel good rather than thinking about the receiver.

Agree. My xfil used to send five euro each to the kids and i thought why am i thanking him??

We stopped thanking him for the yearly insult.

I so agree!

My mother buys me lovely stuff, granted. But it’s all stuff she thinks I should have, not stuff I need or want.

So I have years of make up sets (i never wear make up), vouchers for nails/eyebrows/waxing (Never done any of this), lovely leather handbags (never carry one), clothes I’d never wear- “nice” office-y or “going out” type stuff, always a size or two too big, perfume (makes me sneeze).... etc.

Always “girly” stuff so I can look nice in her company.

All sitting unused. I am then labelled as ungrateful for never using it.

Twist being I can’t give it away, she will often ask to see it 6 months later, then if it’s unused say if I don't want it she’ll give it to cousin x for her birthday...

I wish she wouldn’t bother then I wouldn’t need to be grateful...

A few years ago a member of DHs family asked us want we wanted for Xmas. We let them know that they really didn't have to get us anything but if they did want to give a gift we'd love vouchers for X shop as we needed to do some work on the house. Family member reply's "no that's not fun for me to give you I'll get something else"

Why bother asking if you're not prepared to get what the person wants? Just shows who they are really buying for.

I actually agree with you. I am of the opinion that presents should be something that the person receiving it would love but more than likely would not buy it themselves. So thats why i will buy a vouchers for a nice boutique in town for my friend that i know she would love to buy something but wont spend it on herself. She will get a nice pair of jeans or a jumper after xams and be delighted. Another friend of mine has bought me the exact same set of bath stuff the past few years. I love bath stuff however the same each time is a bit much. Counted 6 of them still unopened in the bathroom. I do tell my family what i would like, yes i do have expensive taste. Howerver i am greatly appreciated of a small gift that i know thought went into or even afternoon spent with me or lunch is something i love. My sister in law will always buy tat for us at xmas -think singing santas etc - it goes straight in the charity bag. I owuld prefer she didnt waste her money on it aswell has not having clutter in my house

Totally agree. My MIL absolutely adores charity shops and she always turns up at Christmas with literal sacks full of stuff she’s picked up in various charity shops. I have absolutely no issue with second hand stuff by any means but she chooses absolute tat, sacks full of tat. I got neon green glittery high heels last year, I would never wear anything like that. She buys box sets of books I’d just never read because I’m an English tutor so she thinks I must enjoy any book, however naff. The DC got a dirty pudsey bear keyring last year, it was filthy. I don’t think she’s ever bought a nice gift, most of them end up either back at the charity shop or at the tip...

I agree, but you should still always be kind.

For ten years I’ve asked DHs family not to buy me anything, I insist every year I don’t want anything or a voucher for the shopping centre. Every year they give me body butter, bath bombs, hats scarves and gloves all of which I don’t use. I wouldn’t like to think how much money they’ve wasted even though I’ve told them repeatedly ‘do not buy me anything’
(Even to the extent of ‘I don’t use body butters or bath bombs etc)

Unless there are specific circumstances where the gift is clearly out of kilter with what you have spent on the giver and you know enough about their circumstances to know they are being tight and they owe you some form of parity (like a husband or partner), you need to show good manners and thank people for every gift.

This year for my birthday I got a gift from my PILs that was clearly from poundland or similar, which they knew I am allergic to (I am chronically ill & have a restricted diet, which they are well aware of), & which I wouldn't eat anyway as it's sweets & I don't like sweets! I told DH & DD they could have them but TBH they pronounced most of them disgusting.

PILs are shopping addicts & clearly this year, having had their main recreational activity curtailed, they are struggling. DH, DD & I have always had online wishlists in case anyone needs gift ideas. PILs have never bought anything for us from the lists. However we get told off if we don't stick to their lists. Hopefully the bags of plastic tat will be less this year. We've certainly had less over the course of the year, we used to get at least a couple of items every week, sometimes a bag full of stuff they'd picked up at the car boot, charity shop, jumble sale etc. Clothes, toys etc, all dirty, needing mending, in various sizes. An adult size 18 jacket for DD (she's a perfectly normal 8 year old), shoes we had to keep for 5 years before she grew into them. Random bits of furniture which we then have to pay to dispose of.

We've tried talking to them about it. Repeatedly. They don't listen. We can't just drop the stuff off at a charity shop as the nearest one is nearly a mile walk & we don't have a car. It's not something to be grateful for.

My mother buys me lovely stuff, granted. But it’s all stuff she thinks I should have, not stuff I need or want.

My Mum is similar to this in that she'll buy me things that SHE likes, without thought for whether or not I will. She loves jewellery and Hotel Chocolat; without fail for years that's what she'd get me for Christmas and birthdays, despite my not wearing jewellery and preferring galaxy!

I think I might finally have trained her out of it now but we'll see come the 25th!

I agree op. My sil often gets me passive aggressive presents, think cardigans two sizes too big or perfumed soaps (I am allergic too and she is well aware). I have said countless times don't bother and let's just buy for the kids but she always says it is nice for adults to get presents too (meaning herself as dh does the present buying and always gets her something nice). I have got her something to her taste and an eyeshadow set named too-faced which is exactly what she is. I am tempted to just buy her a cheap bath set which she won't use every year.

She also requested two games for nephews xbox and sent the links for them for his birthday. For our own dd she bought a flimsy toy for a tenner. My dd had no interest in the toy and they are definitely not hard up, it is her sense of entitlement that pisses me right off. She did ask if dd liked them and instead of lying as I would normally I actually said no and that she could have asked what she was interested in.

I agree OP,
SIL gifted - for my DCs birthday - an empty box. It was one of those cardboard boxes that has a little handle to carry it, specifically, one that use to have a craft kit in (which she often gets gifted herself).

We also had toys from their loft for Xmas, (all missing bits or a little bit broken)
No issue with second hand, but when I'm spending £25 on each DN I'd like a heads up that that won't be reciprocated for my child.
Their income is a lot more than ours. BIL likes to call from time to time to see if we need financial assistance

I also think there comes a point where you need to be honest rather than grateful/polite. It surely helps the giver too, I remember as a teenager getting an elderly relative a gift set of a necklace and earrings in colours I knew she liked and she told me the next week that she'd taken them back and exchanged them for gloves. I was really pleased she got what she wanted, glad I'd included a gift receipt (she'd taught me to do this) and meant I've never bought her jewellery since. If she'd have politely kept them I'd probably have assumed she had liked them and carried on buying her jewellery souring our relationship as without me knowing I'd have been compounding the insult over time. How are people supposed to know that they've totally missed the mark if you just smile politely and thank them?

I try hard not to take the whole thing too seriously. There's a great article on the psychology of gift giving somewhere online I read ages ago. Your reaction really matters so I have been practising my present face!!

@CharityEscapeGoat

This year for my birthday I got a gift from my PILs that was clearly from poundland or similar, which they knew I am allergic to (I am chronically ill & have a restricted diet, which they are well aware of), & which I wouldn't eat anyway as it's sweets & I don't like sweets! I told DH & DD they could have them but TBH they pronounced most of them disgusting.

PILs are shopping addicts & clearly this year, having had their main recreational activity curtailed, they are struggling. DH, DD & I have always had online wishlists in case anyone needs gift ideas. PILs have never bought anything for us from the lists. However we get told off if we don't stick to their lists. Hopefully the bags of plastic tat will be less this year. We've certainly had less over the course of the year, we used to get at least a couple of items every week, sometimes a bag full of stuff they'd picked up at the car boot, charity shop, jumble sale etc. Clothes, toys etc, all dirty, needing mending, in various sizes. An adult size 18 jacket for DD (she's a perfectly normal 8 year old), shoes we had to keep for 5 years before she grew into them. Random bits of furniture which we then have to pay to dispose of.

We've tried talking to them about it. Repeatedly. They don't listen. We can't just drop the stuff off at a charity shop as the nearest one is nearly a mile walk & we don't have a car. It's not something to be grateful for.

There is absolutely nothing impolite with saying No Thank You...

This is one of these areas where there's a big difference between being gracious and being grateful, isn't it?

I mean, you can be gracious when someone steps on you foot (" ow ow wo no, no, I'm perfectly fine"), but you're unlikely to be grateful...

@RUOKHon

I agree. We’ve spent lockdown doing a massive declutter so that we can accommodate three rapidly growing children in our three bed house. We’ve had to be really ruthless about what stays or goes and have invested £££ in new storage furniture, etc.

Family member then announces they’re ‘gifting’ one of the DC their entire collection of model trains and train set. Like 30 years’ worth of collection. I could cry. And I certainly don’t feel grateful. It’s not a a favour to me or the DC to basically empty the contents of your loft into my already too small house.

I would just say no that you don't have the room and it would have to go to charity if they insisted. Plus you may find that it's not in that great a condition especially if it has spent the last twenty years in a loft. People have these romantic ideas and memories of their childhood and want to recreate these for other people without finding out if others are on board with them. My mum used to try and give me stuff which I just had to refuse as I had enough stuff junk of my own. Think large ceramic soup tureen.

And there are people to whom I would like to be gracious, regardless of whether their present was something I liked (or indeed, actively inconvenienced me).

Then there are others who clearly don't give a shit about me, just about their own feelings, for whom I'm no longer inclined to put myself out.

Totally agree.

My MIL is disabled and can't always get out to the shops. You can always tell when FIL has done the Xmas shopping. The presents smack of FIL running around B&M on Christmas eve in desperation trying to buy something for people who he has no interest in. He never bothers with any of the grandkids.

I do think there's a difference between someone getting you something they may think you like but maybe it's not for you, and some people just insulting your intelligence. I remember been gifted a barbie annual as a teenager which I knew cost a quid from a bargain bin somewhere from a very well off relative and I was so insulted. So yes there's a line between grateful and ungrateful but at least if you are honest with a person they will know in the future what is better to gift you. Although I do agree some presents are passive aggressive too.

Passive aggressive...like when my mil bought me a steam mop 😂😂😂 my house isn't dirty, but whatever I do isn't quite enough for that one 🤦‍♀️