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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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1 2 3 4

Original poster

To think Dp's ex is being petty?

89 replies

WhoisRebecca · 02/12/2020 22:24

Dp received a message from his ex today accusing him of putting their children's lives in 'most grave danger' today. The children came for tea and as it was the 6 year old's birthday their grandma had baked a cake and stood in the garden with a mask on to deliver it. She may have forgotten herself for a second and stepped through the kitchen door as she was bringing the cake in - but that was literally it.

According to the ex - this has threatened the children's lives and shows a disregard for their welfare. She has suggested that DP is unable to keep them safe as we are in a Tier 2 area and this is not allowed. She then helpfully copied and pasted the Tier 2 rules, with capitalised words for added emphasis.

The ex has a history of being acrimonious and has previously stopped contact for spurious reasons (one being a bath toy she didn't approve of!) and has been told in no uncertain terms that she must stick to the court order.

AIBU to think she is using the Covid situation here? Both children go to school and she is a key worker. We don't have visitors over and flagrantly breach the rules and we do social distance etc. None of the wider family or children are vulnerable either.

OP posts:

floppybit · 02/12/2020 22:27

She's nuts

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 02/12/2020 22:32

@floppybit

She's nuts

I would be inclined to agree. It's a worry as I think she looks for reasons to stop contact and I wonder if she's building up to something.

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 02/12/2020 22:35

She’s barking.

LouiseTrees · 02/12/2020 22:38

I wouldn’t admit she was in the house. I’d ask the DCs. How their mum found out gran was there. Then I’d respond to the ex saying she socially distanced and was not in the house at any time. I would then ask the ex if she is having any food delivered, going to the supermarket ( as that’s arguably a higher risk than food deliveries), having Amazon deliveries etc.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 02/12/2020 22:41

The children get questioned after each visit here. Dp has said she should contact the police if she has concerns, but no laws have been broken. It's draining.

The last time this happened it was because the youngest caught a tan in the paddling pool and we were bombarded with messages about severe sunburn.

My dd was discharged from hospital today and we are tired and emotional and don't need her craziness today.

OP posts:

Cocomarine · 02/12/2020 22:44

Barking. And the “most grave danger” bit is just ridiculous.
However, though - honestly, the way you write, “she may have forgotten herself” does sound like she was came in properly. It’s literally the first day out of lockdown - if you are England? She came over with mask and plans to stand outside but somehow one day out of lockdown accidentally came in?
Now, even if she did come in briefly, the ex can piss off with her patronising messages. But are you sure it was just a second - because if it was longer, the kids may have given the impression that grandma was in the house fully for the birthday tea.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 02/12/2020 22:46

I was upstairs with my dd so I didn't see dp's mum come in, but she was gone when I came down a minute later. This is a pattern of behaviour and I don't think the issue is Covid.

OP posts:

MorningNinja · 02/12/2020 22:59

Your DP needs to be the great rock here OP. He does not need to respond to ridiculousness.

DPs narcissistic ex does a lot of this type of behaviour. Its wearing, annoying and van be all-consuming at times.

nimbuscloud · 02/12/2020 23:00

I’d ask the DCs. How their mum found out gran was there.

I would not do this. It’s not fair to the children.

NRE20 · 02/12/2020 23:01

Sounds like she’s looking for excuses to justify her bad behaviour. It’s terrible parenting of her to grill the children after their visits to you.

Her behaviour will eventually become apparent to the children if you and your partner are the opposite and avoid involving the children in parental disagreements.

For now, though, as long as you’re sticking to the rules, which it sounds like you are, she doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Minimise the conversation about it with her as much as possible and only respond if absolutely necessary.

NRE20 · 02/12/2020 23:02

Also I hope your DD is okay. Hospital stays/visits at this time are especially stressful.

Emeraldshamrock · 02/12/2020 23:04

Yes she is OTT and dramatic.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 02/12/2020 23:06

@NRE20

Also I hope your DD is okay. Hospital stays/visits at this time are especially stressful.

Thank you, she is fine but we were in overnight so we are shattered! Hospitals are not comfortable places to sleep, especially the pull out sofa thing I was on.

I suspect the message got to me more than Dp as she seems to not want him to enjoy his time with the children. If he disputes any messages she sends, the response is 'liar' or 'how controlling' so you can't win.

OP posts:

LiG123 · 02/12/2020 23:15

Just remember that although it doesn't help now your partners children will remember their mum quizzing them at spotlight when they got home. It'll be a memory that sticks. Crazy behaviour.

Think your DH should speak to the children about house boundaries and what happens in your house stays in your house and you don't want to know what happens in mummys house so it should be the same

Notcrackersyet · 02/12/2020 23:33

Oh goodness just ignore. Don’t rise to it or as someone said above ‘grey rock’. Responding gives her oxygen.
I don’t agree with the caller above saying to tell the children to keep secrets about what happens at yours. My DSD is very free to tell her mother everything in the back-from-dads cross examination we think she undergoes regularly (judging from the emails that then arrive). Like that we are avoiding putting her under any unnecessary stress from us just because the adults can’t get along.

MorningNinja · 02/12/2020 23:35

I wouldn't have a conversation with the DCs about not discussing what happens in your home as @LiG123 suggests. Your poor DSD would then be second guessing what she can and can't say and thats a tricky place to be.

As for your DP disputing her messages - does he really need to. Her one regarding the cake for example is the ex pushing his buttons because that's what she wants to do. She will be loving the fact shes getting a rise from him. Messages like this must be ignored as they don't warrant a response. Messages regarding DC logistics etc need a response. Anything more than that and shes playing your DH like a puppet. Don't feed the beast!

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 02/12/2020 23:36

She’s a loon

Cherrysoup · 02/12/2020 23:37

Totally ignore. Don’t answer her nonsense messages. If you don’t respond/feed her madness, she’ll stop. As a key worker, she’s far more risky than the grandparent, plus the kids are at school, so come on! Batshit.

AIMD · 02/12/2020 23:43

I wouldn’t even respond to that message at all.
It is ridiculous and requires no response or you need to developer a plain stock response to repeat over and over to similar emails from her.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 02/12/2020 23:45

What a total drama llama!!

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 03/12/2020 06:56

Dp feels a calm and brief response is better because when he goes to family court it shows that he can communicate reasonably. She will no doubt raise these 'issues' and so addressing them in a brief text is best.

I agree, we are not going to tell the children to keep things from mummy - it's not fair.

OP posts:

flaviaritt · 03/12/2020 07:00

I’d send a very soothing message, like, “I’m so sorry you’re over-anxious about this. It might help you feel better if you spent some time researching the level of risk to to children. More than happy to chat this through over the phone.”

Crazy loon.

bobbiester · 03/12/2020 07:17

It's grandma who was in most danger, not the kids

PurpleMustang · 03/12/2020 07:28

Obviously keeping all the messages will show that she is interrogating the kids when they get home.
Don't ever encourage them to lie. But also try not to 'break' any rules as it just puts the kids in an awful situation as to what to say. But they will no doubt twig and end up lying and doing that for themselves for an easy life. How awful for them. Maybe he could highlight this next time he is at court. That she is obviously interrogating them and making the kids uncomfortable. She is asking them not knowing anything was wrong. It's not like something has happened (like the paddling pool) and she is then asking. You do need to be careful though and cover your backs so to speak with her, like the paddling pool, with enough sun cream, right time of day and a rash vest you probably could of caused less of a 'tan' (which is not healthy for the skin) and saved a load of grief

Isthatitnow · 03/12/2020 07:28

She may have forgotten herself for a second and stepped through the kitchen door as she was bringing the cake in

So what you actually mean is during this pandemic, with well publicised rules about what we can and cannot do, you had someone in your house , albeit briefly, when that is something that has been prohibited for weeks (months depending on what tier you were in) and you expect the children not to go home and mention that to their mum?

Why so disingenuous? Admit that it happened, apologise, and move on. Trying to cover it up, get round it, or pretend it was nothing is just adding to the issue.

It’s not showing he can communicate reasonably if he lies.

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