Page 2 | To think Dp's ex is being petty?

WhoisRebecca · 2020-12-02T22:24:23+00:00

Dp received a message from his ex today accusing him of putting their children's lives in 'most grave danger' today. The children came for tea and as it was the 6 year old's birthday their grandma had baked a cake and stood in the garden with a mask on to deliver it. She may have forgotten herself for a second and stepped through the kitchen door as she was bringing the cake in - but that was literally it. According to the ex - this has threatened the children's lives and shows a disregard for their welfare. She has suggested that DP is unable to keep them safe as we are in a Tier 2 area and this is not allowed. She then helpfully copied and pasted the Tier 2 rules, with capitalised words for added emphasis. The ex has a history of being acrimonious and has previously stopped contact for spurious reasons (one being a bath toy she didn't approve of!) and has been told in no uncertain terms that she must stick to the court order. AIBU to think she is using the Covid situation here? Both children go to school and she is a key worker. We don't have visitors over and flagrantly breach the rules and we do social distance etc. None of the wider family or children are vulnerable either.

Original poster

WhoisRebecca · 03/12/2020 07:34

Like I say, I wasn't there so I'm not sure what happened. Our kitchen table is directly in front of the glass doors where the back garden is so when I came down the cake was on there. Dp's mum is also in our childcare bubble.

The sun tan - dsd had factor 50 applied throughout the day, but yes, she should have had a t shirt on as well because she shouldn't have caught the sun at all. It's fine for her to mention things, but she does so in an accusatory way.

She doesn't provide any clothing (even coats) because dp once lost a sock.

OP posts:

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/12/2020 08:22

"We will give your email the consideration it is due." Or words to that affect everytime. Nice, polite, reasonable- with a lovely hidden fuck off thrown in. Grey rock it, politely.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2020 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SimonJT · 03/12/2020 08:28

If his mum is in your bubble she is allowed in the house.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/12/2020 08:29

I was upstairs with my dd so I didn't see dp's mum come in, but she was gone when I came down a minute later
So maybe grandma used that time to give them hugs too.

Although overly overdramatic, the rules were broken so she has a point in raising it up.

Backtotheplanetofthegrapes · 03/12/2020 08:39

You can’t win against batshit crazy so best to ignore!

If you don’t let little princess out in the sun at all one day then your giving her rickets, but if she has a very slight tan another day then you’ve caused skin cancer.

sixthtimelucky · 03/12/2020 08:42

Ignore ignore ignore. Engage as little as possible. Please don't take advice from people about sending snarky messages, it won't help or work and will continue the drama.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2020 08:46

@SimonJT

If his mum is in your bubble she is allowed in the house.

I thought childcare bubble and bubble have different rules. But having checked, you’re right.

I therefore don’t understand why she is not being allowed in the house.

Livelovebehappy · 03/12/2020 09:19

I’d say there’s always two sides. You could be minimising exactly what happened? I’d also say its an issue to be sorted between your DP and his ex. Try not to get involved or it will just fan the flames.

ForgotAboutThis · 03/12/2020 09:25

If grandma is in the childcare bubble, not further risk was created by her stepping through a door to put a cake on the table.
I would suggest your DP reply something very neutral and not rise to it.

Mojofilter · 03/12/2020 10:43

DP here. Just want to clear a few things up.

Grandma is in our childcare bubble which means she is allowed in the house, but only for childcare purposes - which this wasn't.

She stepped in for literally 5 seconds to put the cake on the kitchen table, which is 3 feet away from the double patio door (which was fully open for ventilation).

She was wearing a mask and the kids were on the other side of the table, so more than 2 meters away as it's a long table.
She didn't stay for tea and she didn't hug anyone.
She stayed for about 10 minutes to say hello and watch the birthday gifts being opened, she was stood on the patio while the kids remained on the other side of the kitchen table.

As for ignoring her, ideally that's the approach that I'd like to take but with court proceedings on the horizon ignoring her could be seen as tacit acceptance.
Instead I follow the professional advice that I've received and keep the messages concise, calm, factual and friendly in tone. Then they have to pass the 'am I happy for a judge to read this' test before I press send.

AlternativePerspective · 03/12/2020 11:00

Why do people always insist there has to “be two sides to every story” when it’s an ex wife we’re talking about but if it’s an ex husband it’s perfectly ok to accept that he’s a controlling/narcissistic/ twat?

Questioning the children after every visit can be perceived as abusive behaviour.

Presumably leading the children to believe their lives are being endangered is family alienation.

When will people realise that even though there are many men who use the “my ex is a bitch” line for the wrong reasons, there are in fact many crazy ex’s out there, just as many women probably use the “my ex husband is a bastard” in the same way and yet we accept that unconditionally.

Beamur · 03/12/2020 11:05

@Mojofilter

DP here. Just want to clear a few things up.

Grandma is in our childcare bubble which means she is allowed in the house, but only for childcare purposes - which this wasn't.

She stepped in for literally 5 seconds to put the cake on the kitchen table, which is 3 feet away from the double patio door (which was fully open for ventilation).

She was wearing a mask and the kids were on the other side of the table, so more than 2 meters away as it's a long table.
She didn't stay for tea and she didn't hug anyone.
She stayed for about 10 minutes to say hello and watch the birthday gifts being opened, she was stood on the patio while the kids remained on the other side of the kitchen table.

As for ignoring her, ideally that's the approach that I'd like to take but with court proceedings on the horizon ignoring her could be seen as tacit acceptance.
Instead I follow the professional advice that I've received and keep the messages concise, calm, factual and friendly in tone. Then they have to pass the 'am I happy for a judge to read this' test before I press send.

Sensible approach. Calm, polite, etc.

LiG123 · 03/12/2020 11:59

@MorningNinja she probably already is with her mothers spotlight on her face questioning her. Poor kid needs to know where she stands

LiG123 · 03/12/2020 12:02

Also if your MIL is a single person she is allowed to join you as a bubble and come inside anyway

mindutopia · 03/12/2020 12:05

Unless they are clinically vulnerable in some way, no I think the 'grave danger' bit is over the top. Presumably they go to school and mix with other children and adults who they have much closer contact?

That said, at the moment, yes, it's pretty foolish to be mixing with other households when you aren't supposed to be. It would have been more sensible and responsible to stick to the rules, even if no harm will probably come. I would imagine she may think if he is lax about this, he is probably lax about other things as well.

CoronaBollox · 03/12/2020 12:08

Proper crazy. Bet she is one of the covid crazies that lurk on mumsnet, screaming "selfish idiots" at posters.

I would not get in to it with her, simply say what had happened and leave it as that. Nothing you say will be right, or will get twisted.

Longdistance · 03/12/2020 12:52

She’s just finding any old excuse to pull back contact. Did she get on with the mil?

PerveenMistry · 03/12/2020 12:58

@Isthatitnow

She may have forgotten herself for a second and stepped through the kitchen door as she was bringing the cake in

So what you actually mean is during this pandemic, with well publicised rules about what we can and cannot do, you had someone in your house , albeit briefly, when that is something that has been prohibited for weeks (months depending on what tier you were in) and you expect the children not to go home and mention that to their mum?

Why so disingenuous? Admit that it happened, apologise, and move on. Trying to cover it up, get round it, or pretend it was nothing is just adding to the issue.

It’s not showing he can communicate reasonably if he lies.

This is how it struck me.

The children's mother can't be blamed for worrying about a lax attitude toward safety rules during a deadly pandemic. If the kids brought it home to her she could die and leave them motherless.

Why was a cake from granny needed during COVID surge? These are not normal times and unnecessary feel-good gestures must be skipped. Do people still not comprehend?

Bitcherama · 03/12/2020 13:07

Why was a cake from granny needed during COVID surge? These are not normal times and unnecessary feel-good gestures must be skipped.

Nobody's going to die because Masked Granny baked a cake and handed it over by distance, but children living under massive mental strain may get some happiness from it. The risk here was literally fuck all.

I am so glad not everyone is so utterly joyless, cold and mean.

SimonJT · 03/12/2020 13:08

@PerveenMistry What happened is allowed in the current rules.

AlternativePerspective · 03/12/2020 13:12

The children's mother can't be blamed for worrying about a lax attitude toward safety rules during a deadly pandemic. If the kids brought it home to her she could die and leave them motherless.

Why was a cake from granny needed during COVID surge? These are not normal times and unnecessary feel-good gestures must be skipped. Do people still not comprehend?

Well, given the MIL is actually in their childcare bubble she is permitted to see the children anyway,so in those terms it doesn’t really apply.

Added to which, according to the DP she stepped into the kitchen, put the cake on the table and then stood outside. people making up that she must have hugged the children and that things clearly weren’t as they’re told are just creating their own narrative.

And assuming the mother isn’t severely vulnerable, the chances of the mother dying of COVID are remote. In fact the chances of the children catching COVID, unless they have been less than two meters away from the carrier for more than fifteen minutes, is equally remote.

I have very much been following the rules because I am vulnerable and at high risk. But really getting worked up over a birthday cake is a step too far.

When it was my DS’ birthday I invited my eXH round for cake. He didn’t come in, but he shock horror> ate a piece of cake off of one of my plates. Is that against the rules as well? Or should I have taken the plate in and quarantined it for a week before daring to use it again?

And this isn’t the first time the ex has behaved like this, so it’s very clear that she is using COVID as a weapon.

dontdisturbmenow · 03/12/2020 13:22

The rules were broken, end of. You can argue that she didn't put them in danger but then everyone breaking the rules could argue the same.

Maybe she told her own mother she couldn't come to see her grand daughter open her presents so yes, it's understandable she would be annoyed that you/OH thought it was ok for his mum to break the rules because she's more entitled.

She came in because she wanted to see her grand daughter opening her presents. She was in 10mns to do so, but 1mn to just drop scale (which she could have left in the floor for you to pick up).

Many people around the world are missing out on celebrations because they respect the rules. Why are you different?

SimonJT · 03/12/2020 13:27

@dontdisturbmenow

The rules were broken, end of. You can argue that she didn't put them in danger but then everyone breaking the rules could argue the same.

Maybe she told her own mother she couldn't come to see her grand daughter open her presents so yes, it's understandable she would be annoyed that you/OH thought it was ok for his mum to break the rules because she's more entitled.

She came in because she wanted to see her grand daughter opening her presents. She was in 10mns to do so, but 1mn to just drop scale (which she could have left in the floor for you to pick up).

Many people around the world are missing out on celebrations because they respect the rules. Why are you different?

As she is providing childcare she is allowed in the home.

PerveenMistry · 03/12/2020 13:44

@Bitcherama

Why was a cake from granny needed during COVID surge? These are not normal times and unnecessary feel-good gestures must be skipped.

Nobody's going to die because Masked Granny baked a cake and handed it over by distance, but children living under massive mental strain may get some happiness from it. The risk here was literally fuck all.

I am so glad not everyone is so utterly joyless, cold and mean.

So many think that gratifying their immediate wants makes them the exception. That's why we are where we are today.