To think Dp's ex is being petty?

[WhoisRebecca]

Dp received a message from his ex today accusing him of putting their children's lives in 'most grave danger' today. The children came for tea and as it was the 6 year old's birthday their grandma had baked a cake and stood in the garden with a mask on to deliver it. She may have forgotten herself for a second and stepped through the kitchen door as she was bringing the cake in - but that was literally it.

According to the ex - this has threatened the children's lives and shows a disregard for their welfare. She has suggested that DP is unable to keep them safe as we are in a Tier 2 area and this is not allowed. She then helpfully copied and pasted the Tier 2 rules, with capitalised words for added emphasis.

The ex has a history of being acrimonious and has previously stopped contact for spurious reasons (one being a bath toy she didn't approve of!) and has been told in no uncertain terms that she must stick to the court order.

AIBU to think she is using the Covid situation here? Both children go to school and she is a key worker. We don't have visitors over and flagrantly breach the rules and we do social distance etc. None of the wider family or children are vulnerable either.

She is in our childcare bubble. She wouldn't hug the children as I know she's terrified of getting Covid herself. We have actually lost a relative on my children's side, so I am well aware of the risk.

This is part of a long catalogue of messages which are aggressive in tone and looking to find fault.

I would bet the dp's ex puts her children in more danger by her driving.

@dontdisturbmenow

The rules were broken, end of. You can argue that she didn't put them in danger but then everyone breaking the rules could argue the same.

Maybe she told her own mother she couldn't come to see her grand daughter open her presents so yes, it's understandable she would be annoyed that you/OH thought it was ok for his mum to break the rules because she's more entitled.

She came in because she wanted to see her grand daughter opening her presents. She was in 10mns to do so, but 1mn to just drop scale (which she could have left in the floor for you to pick up).

Many people around the world are missing out on celebrations because they respect the rules. Why are you different?

"Maybe she told her own mother she couldn't come to see her grand daughter open her presents so yes, it's understandable she would be annoyed that you/OH thought it was ok for his mum to break the rules because she's more entitled"

I didn't want to get involved in whataboutery either here or with her but it's not that. I get a court ordered Skype call and her Mum has been present in the house at the same time as her (I.e. present but not for childcare).

It sounds like she is absolutely using the current situation to fit in with her obsession with taking your partner (and you probably) down a peg or 2.

I think she's gearing up to stop contact - she did this previously because of a fake poo bath toy that was used to make the little one laugh when she was potty training. She lays the groundwork first and then stops contact if she thinks she might get away with it.

This is someone who moved the children's schools and area without telling their father with absolutely no justification for doing so. I imagine the family court will not look favourably on her stopping contact again, but it's always at the back of my mind.

Believe me, she's not at all bothered about Covid rules.

However, though - honestly, the way you write, “she may have forgotten herself” does sound like she was came in properly.

My guess is there’s more behind this sentence. There’s probably a massive back story and I’m presuming that you only have your partners side of the story on the reason why they split and what happened up until you met him. Of course she could enjoy being dramatic and causing trouble but in my experience there’s usually much more to it. Men often seem to have a ‘crazy ex.’

My guess is there’s more behind this sentence. There’s probably a massive back story and I’m presuming that you only have your partners side of the story on the reason why they split and what happened up until you met him. Of course she could enjoy being dramatic and causing trouble but in my experience there’s usually much more to it. Men often seem to have a ‘crazy ex.’ ah, all men are bastards, all women are victims.

And exactly which part of “she’s in their childcare bubble” is it people are failing to comprehend? Or does childcare preclude cake?

I have read all the court documents and messages so I'm fully aware. There was no justification for stopping him seeing his children for 4 months and the family court agreed.

I have read all the court documents and messages so I'm fully aware.

I’d say court documents don’t always show the full story unfortunately. Both parties can do shitty things which aren’t recorded.

There was no justification for stopping him seeing his children for 4 months and the family court agreed.

That being the case, if the ex is planning this again, it should be easily sorted. And hopefully she will grow up and realise it’s damaging for the children. She may well be the bitter ex, but I’d just be wary of believing either side of the story and just keep doing right by the kids.

Tbf she will have been told by the kids that grandma was in the house because she was however her reaction is OTT.

Not all men are poor fathers or were abusive husbands. Some are just attempting to do their best by their children when their relationship breaks down. It's like saying all women are emotional, ruled by their hormone pyscho's.
While it's rare, for the most part, (and no i have no 'official' stats) some women do do their level best to alienate, inhibit and just generally spoil the reletionship between a child/ren and their dad when there is absolutely no need other than a want to satisfy their own bitterness.
As ever with situations like this, be it the father or mother causing the emotional harm, the only people who truly suffer and carry the scars are the children.

I'd simply send a text that says we are aware of the rules and are sticking to them then disengage.

I assume grand ma doesn't do childcare for the child in question. The rules were broken but this sounds irrelevant if indeed, there's much more to it and the mother is looking at any excuse to stop contact.

I'd simply send a text that says we are aware of the rules and are sticking to them then disengage.

This is fine if they did stick to the rules. I’m unclear on that though, was the grandma ‘allowed‘ to come in. You’re in tier 2, she’s in your childcare bubble. Ive got no idea if that means she was supposed to be there or not. Either way, it all sounds very petty and I suppose you just need to make sure you’re doing everything ‘right’ if she’s going to be like this. That way if she tries to stop contact, she won’t have any grounds.
As someone else said, the people who truly suffer are the kids when things are like this. It’s very sad.

I would guess that the kids have told a different story ie nanny came for a party. Your dp should just clarify what happened and reassure her with a text.

@HallieKnight

I would guess that the kids have told a different story ie nanny came for a party. Your dp should just clarify what happened and reassure her with a text.

I think you are assuming this is a rational person. She doesn't work like that.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

I have read all the court documents and messages so I'm fully aware.

I’d say court documents don’t always show the full story unfortunately. Both parties can do shitty things which aren’t recorded.

There was no justification for stopping him seeing his children for 4 months and the family court agreed.

That being the case, if the ex is planning this again, it should be easily sorted. And hopefully she will grow up and realise it’s damaging for the children. She may well be the bitter ex, but I’d just be wary of believing either side of the story and just keep doing right by the kids.

I've read the court documents, including her statement. I'm fairly sure she wouldn't omit any shitty stuff from court when she was doing her best to stop contact.

I don't think you can underestimate how crazy covid makes perfectly sane people behave and it's reflected in some of these messages.

There's far more to this then meets eye or why else would you be on a national forum the mother is so very easily identifiable enough to know that she's being talked about.

What I would suggest is that you leave all of this to your dp and his ex support him by all means but the children have two parents let them parent. As you said you weren't there so how could you know and this childcare thing is like an after thought cover your arse kind of thing.

The courts are aware that there are no perfect parents out there mistakes happen it's the pattern of mistakes that the court looks at.

Be honest be appropriate and move on. Petty is as petty does it looks 50/50 from here

She probably struggles with letting go of control. I take it this isn't 50/50 And your partner is the non resident parent? The responsibility falls on her, she feels that. Also she doesn't trust her ex (I mean they're not together for a reason, so there was an issue) and she's struggling.

If your partner and you showed empathy and patience maybe she would come round? Taking the piss on line is indicative of a hostile and dismissive response to whatever her point if view. It sounds like you all need to work on communicating.

I've read the court documents, including her statement. I'm fairly sure she wouldn't omit any shitty stuff from court when she was doing her best to stop contact.

My friend couldn’t possibly sum up quite what her shit her ex was in her statement. I’m not saying your partner is but there’s always two sides.
It must be very stressful living like it though, if she’s constantly thinking of things to moan at and get to your partner about. But just do all the right things and the courts will see that. As will the children as they get older. Hopefully she’ll get fed up of causing issues as time goes on.

I think if empathy and patience worked then the court process wouldn't have been necessary. Thanks for the feedback though.

@D4rwin

She probably struggles with letting go of control. I take it this isn't 50/50 And your partner is the non resident parent? The responsibility falls on her, she feels that. Also she doesn't trust her ex (I mean they're not together for a reason, so there was an issue) and she's struggling. If your partner and you showed empathy and patience maybe she would come round? Taking the piss on line is indicative of a hostile and dismissive response to whatever her point if view. It sounds like you all need to work on communicating.

Dp would love 50/50 and is going back to court to achieve that.

can you not just (in her own style of communication) copy and paste the definition of a support bubble from the gov.uk website back to her, highlighting the definition, with a brief note explaining grandma is in your support bubble. job done.

You have to give her the benefit of the doubt, you don't want to start a war over miscommunication

No one has started a war. The reply was factual and polite.
She responded with 'Liar'

I think factual and polite is the way to proceed. It's just constant and wearing.