To think dsis being OTT wrt Christmas?

[OhFFSNowWhat]

I live with my 2 dc and along the road from my dm. I split from dh at the beginning of the year. My dsis lives 2 hours away with her dh, Ds and 3mo baby. Originally dh had booked for dc and I to go abroad for Christmas but then CV hit and dh and I split up so that wasn’t going to be going ahead. Because of this my dm was going to spend Chris with dc and I at my house and dc would go to exdh’s a few days later.

But...now exdh can’t get any time off work over Christmas at all and won’t be able to see dc until NYE. As airlines are flying again and we hadn’t actually cancelled it exdh said that I should still take dc’s away for Christmas with my dm. However, dm is terrified of flying so I’m going to take dc on my own.

Dsis has said my mum can go down to hers on Christmas Day and stay for a few days. However, my dsis has been being incredibly cautious about Coronavirus. She has barely left the house since February, she wouldn’t let me come and wave through the window at her new baby when he was born (this was when there were fewer travel restrictions) as she thought the risk was too high. I’m trying to be as understanding as I can, everyone has a different interpretation of risk, she’s always been cautious so I do kind of understand.

It’s my youngests birthday on 18th so 7 days before my dm would travel down to my dsis. Dsis has said that dm can only come and see them if she has stayed inside for the 7 days prior to Christmas Day with absolutely zero contact with anyone - she can’t get any shopping delivered, she can’t go out for a run, she can’t stop for petrol or toilet on the way up. If she does any of these things dsis won’t let her visit.

This obviously means dm can’t come to dc’s birthday tea. We’ve bubbled together so she’s been coming over a lot which has been great for both her and me. Dc is obviously disappointed he couldn’t have a party (I’d stupidly told him back in March that I’m sure it would be fine for him to have a party by December). He’s a really sociable boy and has taken lockdown really hard. Exdh can’t make it for his birthday either so it will be really sad if it’s just me and his brother for his birthday . Both myself and dc1 will have had CV tests with the results back by then anyway as we need them to be able to fly the next day. Dc2 won’t be having a test as he’s too young.

What should I do? Dm wants to just come and not tell dsis. I cant do it a day earlier as we might not have CV results by then and dc1 and I have to isolate between having test and getting results.

Any suggestions I haven’t thought of? Discussing any kind of flexibility with dsis is absolutely off the table. I don’t know if it’s some form of PND but she absolutely shuts down any talk of it if it’s brought up. All she’ll say is ‘you take your risks, I’ll take mine’.

@SleepingStandingUp

I'm not following. Why would her paranoid translate into her not doing the housework?

Haha. I can see how that sounded.

OP mentioned that food is left outside for days before b being brought inside. She's also mentioned that she's scared of anyone or anything even being visible from the house - eg waving from a distance to say hi. So I'm wondering if it's very cluttered/ what the food situation might be like etc. Also, frankly, someone with this kind of delusion may well be tinhatting - literally!

Dsis is an incredible parent

No she isn't, not at the moment anyway. She may be mentally unwell or not but her actions are harming her children.

@TooCloseToTheProject

On a practical note OP, for the journey down your mum could wear something like Tena knicker pads. It would be a shame if your mum's opportunity to see how your sister is is scuppered because she needs the loo.

If I was told to wear an adult nappy rather than take a loo break on the way to see someone I would tell them to shove their invitation. That’s putting it politely! OP your sister needs help, or more to the point her poor children do. I’m astounded that so many people on this thread are so beeezy about what amounts to child abuse imo. Genuinely, I’m shocked that you’re not losing serious sleep over your four year old nephew losing the ability to run because he’s being kept prisoner for no rational reason. It makes me feel a bit ill honestly.

I agree with @GeorginaTheGiant I think some people have missed some of updates though. It could well be considered child abuse. How sure are you the child has really never left his home in 9 months? I can't stop thinking of the poor kid.

I often eye roll on here when people jump in to mention Social Services, but in this case I actually do think your sister needs some support and intervention.
There is nothing normal or healthy about this situation she has created for herself and the children.
I can see that she started out with the best of intentions, but she’s taken things to harmful extremes.

I am presuming her dh is working from home.

What would happen if he actually had to go to work.

Has anyone actually broached the subject of PND

Your sister sounds unhinged.

Please can you, mum and ideally her DH have a serious intervention type chat with her. Show her dated photos of all the kids going into school, people gong to shops and cafes (as of today anyway), people in the park etc. She needs to understand that she is a complete outlier and that there are plenty of people going about normal-ish life and not keeling over.

@TooCloseToTheProject

On a practical note OP, for the journey down your mum could wear something like Tena knicker pads. It would be a shame if your mum's opportunity to see how your sister is is scuppered because she needs the loo.

You’d recommend OP’s mum pissing herself as a resolution to this?!

YABU it's ok for you to isolate to go on holiday but not for your mum to do it to visit your sister.

This is extremely disturbing OP. Your DSis is not behaving rationally and this situation has clearly now become de facto abusive for your DN. This may be beyond what either you or your DM can deal with (although I do agree your DM being in the house over Christmas may help you gauge just how worrying it is).

I don't know what the solution is, but this doesn't sound like something that's going to correct itself.

I can't believe somebody has seriously suggested that your mum wears a Tena lady and pisses in her pants to placate the absolutely ridiculous demands of seriously mentally unwell woman.

Leaving aside Christmas and holidays, I think you and your mum need to try and get your sister and her children some help. I'd consider health visitor and/or social services if things don't improve soon. Her behaviour is terrifying in all honesty.

Your sister sounds rather unhinged tbh. Sounds like you have come up with the right decision.

cupoteap sorry, I don’t understand your comment. I’m not stopping anyone isolating and I don’t need to isolate myself.

Sister’s dh is working from home and I think will be for the foreseeable future. I like her dh and get on well enough with him but he has autism and is incredibly shy. He’d be a difficult person to broach the subject with face to face, let alone over the phone/ Zoom when I haven’t seen him for months.

I’ve messaged one of her friends on FB who lives nearby. I’ve only met her a couple of times but she’s always seemed really nice and asked her if she’d spoke / seen dsis lately as I’m worried about her. Other than that I’m going to see if I can find out who her health visitor is and see if I can talk to them.

Op given your DSis has a new baby do you not think she'll be on mat leave?

If they are both working from home, those poor kids must be stuck in front to the telly constantly?

It sounds like both your sister and her husband are being abusive to your dn
Not letting him out of the house and garden for nearly 9 months is abuse. It sounds like his father doesn’t protect him from his mother’s rules either.

Never mind about lying to dsis

How about telling her to cop the fuck on?

She’s being utterly ridiculous, her kids are suffering as a result and as for telling her own mother she can’t get any deliveries? WTAF?!

bikingbear yes, sister is on maternity leave and will be until September.

I know she’s being bonkers but I also really don’t want her to think that either my dm or myself aren’t on her side if she needs us. I’m terrified she’s going to try and isolate herself further if she thinks we’re not following her rules.

Does anyone think SS should be an option? Nephew is always well dressed, clean and fed - she Zoom calls me a couple of times a week normally and she does Zoom home Ed lessons so nephew is having interaction with others, although only via a screen rather than in person. Would SS do anything if the only thing she is actually doing wrong is not letting dc out of house and garden?

@MzHz

Never mind about lying to dsis

How about telling her to cop the fuck on?

She’s being utterly ridiculous, her kids are suffering as a result and as for telling her own mother she can’t get any deliveries? WTAF?!

I mean... you are right its ridiculous and she needs to cop on but how does that help practically? She will not listen to reason and will just cut OP off.

OP I think a call to her local health visitors or maybe social services may be in order to see if they can get some support in place. She and her DH need help clearly. Will her DH respond better to an email than a call? The shyness and autism may be significant if he is happier in his own little world with his family. This mindset could be interacting with your dsis if she has developed PND and maybe OCD and their paranoir may be feeding each other.

On a practical note OP, for the journey down your mum could wear something like Tena knicker pads. It would be a shame if your mum's opportunity to see how your sister is is scuppered because she needs the loo.

You cannot be serious, you'd expect your mother to piss and shit herself to deal with your ridiculous anxiety.

She can't have food delivered for a week before hand, why not, I presume DSIS has food delivered?

And her 4 year old has forgotten how to run.

And you expect the DGM to appease her? She needs to deal with her anxiety issues.

bookworming dsis has food delivered but she leaves it in her garage for 10 days before she considers it safe enough for her to go and disinfect. Then after disinfecting it she’ll leave it again for 24-48 hrs before actually bringing it inside. She is expecting my mum to do the same for the week preceding her visit. I dread to think what food she’ll be serving up on Christmas Day.

I don’t really expect my mum to be able to appease her as such. We’re just hoping we can get a bit more clarity on exactly what’s going on to try and work out how to help. I’m really, really hoping that she’s just exaggerating the things she’s doing because she’s trying to point out how dangerous she thinks my behaviour is. I haven’t broken any of the lockdown rules but I have continued to do my weekly shop in person rather than online, have been to restaurants and the local theme park when they’ve been open and am going on holiday for Christmas. All within the rules but I know a lot of people think that’s irresponsible.

How is your nephew getting a balanced diet if your sister does that with all the food? I can't imagine milk or fruit or veg lasts that long in a garage. Is he at risk of rickets and scurvy? I honestly think social services might be worth considering

I really hope the bit about that four year old hardly being outside since Feb is not true. Does he go to nursery at all? I think his welfare is by far the most important thing in this. Your mum telling a few white lies to your sister is not a big deal in comparison to this. Everyone has different perceptions of risk. But what your sister is doing is detrimental to her son's welfare and is completely disproportionate to the risk of Covid. I think social services should be called to support your sister and make her see what's best for her child, if she doesn't listen to you and your mum. It's really not a case of her being too cautious. It's actually her not taking care of her son. Please get help for your nephew and your sister.

4 year old definitely hasn’t been going to preschool or mixing with any other families/ children since lockdown. Dsis claims they haven’t left the house and garden during this time but I don’t know if she is exaggerating, I really hope she is.

Also I don't think you can really tell your nephew is clean and well fed via zoom. People have missed malnourished children even when they see them face to face.