To think dsis being OTT wrt Christmas?

[OhFFSNowWhat]

I live with my 2 dc and along the road from my dm. I split from dh at the beginning of the year. My dsis lives 2 hours away with her dh, Ds and 3mo baby. Originally dh had booked for dc and I to go abroad for Christmas but then CV hit and dh and I split up so that wasn’t going to be going ahead. Because of this my dm was going to spend Chris with dc and I at my house and dc would go to exdh’s a few days later.

But...now exdh can’t get any time off work over Christmas at all and won’t be able to see dc until NYE. As airlines are flying again and we hadn’t actually cancelled it exdh said that I should still take dc’s away for Christmas with my dm. However, dm is terrified of flying so I’m going to take dc on my own.

Dsis has said my mum can go down to hers on Christmas Day and stay for a few days. However, my dsis has been being incredibly cautious about Coronavirus. She has barely left the house since February, she wouldn’t let me come and wave through the window at her new baby when he was born (this was when there were fewer travel restrictions) as she thought the risk was too high. I’m trying to be as understanding as I can, everyone has a different interpretation of risk, she’s always been cautious so I do kind of understand.

It’s my youngests birthday on 18th so 7 days before my dm would travel down to my dsis. Dsis has said that dm can only come and see them if she has stayed inside for the 7 days prior to Christmas Day with absolutely zero contact with anyone - she can’t get any shopping delivered, she can’t go out for a run, she can’t stop for petrol or toilet on the way up. If she does any of these things dsis won’t let her visit.

This obviously means dm can’t come to dc’s birthday tea. We’ve bubbled together so she’s been coming over a lot which has been great for both her and me. Dc is obviously disappointed he couldn’t have a party (I’d stupidly told him back in March that I’m sure it would be fine for him to have a party by December). He’s a really sociable boy and has taken lockdown really hard. Exdh can’t make it for his birthday either so it will be really sad if it’s just me and his brother for his birthday . Both myself and dc1 will have had CV tests with the results back by then anyway as we need them to be able to fly the next day. Dc2 won’t be having a test as he’s too young.

What should I do? Dm wants to just come and not tell dsis. I cant do it a day earlier as we might not have CV results by then and dc1 and I have to isolate between having test and getting results.

Any suggestions I haven’t thought of? Discussing any kind of flexibility with dsis is absolutely off the table. I don’t know if it’s some form of PND but she absolutely shuts down any talk of it if it’s brought up. All she’ll say is ‘you take your risks, I’ll take mine’.

School isn't compulsory til the term after5 / year 1.

Op do you and your sis talk at all?

Your sister is very very unwell and it may help for DM to visit. If I were your DM, I would just lie. It's not like you're dealing with a rational adult anyway.

Someone in that house has MH issues. They could be pulling each other down. Are you absolutely certain that it's your DSis who's being OTT or could it be him?

I definitely think your Dmum should visit to see what's going on. As it could be some form of agrifobia, that's causing her to become irrational.

There is going to be a massive MH crisis in this country after this with people and irrational fears. And loss of confidence speaking to people and seeing others.

It sounds to me like your DSis has PND/OCD and this really needs dealing with before it starts affecting her children (if it hasn't already). Whether or not she wants to talk about it, it needs talking about and you need to involve her partner. She isn't well at all and quite frankly, talking about Christmas plans when all this is going on is absolutely bonkers. You and your mum (and your sister's partner) need to prioritise getting your sister some help with her mental health issues. I can't believe that your nephew hasn't left his house in 10 MONTHS!!!! That's nearly a quarter of his life that he's been stuck inside a house, which is not on at all.

I agree with the PP who said hold your DC birthday tea early, and do whatever it takes to help your mum to go and be with your sister. She needs the support - her attitude to Covid is a long way from normal. Don't lie to your sister - if you and your mum want to help her, she has to trust you. If she finds out you've broken that trust, you're toast.

Is there a way you can speak to her DP about this? Not normal and detrimental to her and her children. She needs mental health support.

I think I’m just feeling anxious as I know there is no way that my mum will be able to stay in a house for 7 days straight without going absolutely bonkers. She’ll either sneak out and get told to leave by my sister or get really frustrated at staying in and end up snapping at sister.

Then your mum doesn't go to your DSis's and spends Christmas at home. She's a grown woman and if she can't stay at home for 7 days as per her DD's wish for assurance that it's safe for her to visit, then she shouldn't go there for Christmas.

Your mum/you/your family needs to have a frank discussion with her about their lockdown behaviour and her incorrect beliefs about people locking themselves in houses, not working, kids not going to school etc

On the one hand your dsis is being OTT about many things, and it sounds like the family do need help with that. On the other hand, the issue of your mum coming to the birthday tea is one of the not OTT things she is asking, as is avoiding public loos on the way to her house. wouldn't lie about that.

It seems like the solution re Christmas is that your mum does not go to your Dsis at all, but has a quiet one at home herself. It seems her visiting dsis will just be stress for both sides. I am not sure her going there will really enable her to help your dsis anymore.

Tbf your mum’s irrational fear of flying is why she might be alone at Christmas so maybe the apple hasn’t fallen too far from the tree with your sister and her irrational fears.

I can’t believe what she’s doing to her son, it does sound like abuse (although I know she thinks it’s coming from a good place). Could you speak to social services? I don’t think she’ll listen to you as she thinks your some sort of crazy risk taker!

As harsh as this is going to sound I don’t think people should be pandering to your sister.

Yes, she may have MH issues, but the more people give in to her demands the more you are normalising what she actually thinks.

The birthday tea is a red herring here really. It’s not a big deal if your mum doesn’t go to that.

But your mum needs to tell your sister that this behaviour isn’t normal, that she won’t be agreeing to it because it isn’t normal, and that if she is going up there there is no way she is going to agree to e.g. not even have grocery deliveries for a whole week.

I would then state very clearly that if your sister doesn’t want to see her then that’s up to her, but in the meantime she needs professional help for the good of the children whose mental health she is affecting.

Keeping a four year old inside for nine months is child abuse, and IMO social services should be involved at this point.

I agree with Been

It sounds like people are tiptoeing around a woman who is hurting her children. Surely the running thing should have been a wake up call to get your heads out of the sand. One day that boy will ask why nobody did anything.

"Dsis is an incredible parent"

I think you've got the blinkers on because she's your sister. She has allowed her child to forget how to run?

Someone needs to intervene.

If I were your Mum I’d visit you and DC without telling your sister.

If someone did that to me I'd sever all contact permanently.

Your sister sounds like she needs help. This is not a normal way to behave unless you're extremely vulnerable.

I also agree that the more you pander to this, you're enabling your sister's paranoia. She'll be dead of scurvy/food poisoning before COVID gets her. I'd be inclined to fib to her - but that doesn't help her to face up to normal life either.

I think you should do the birthday tea a day early as you've suggested. You will be going away for a lovely holiday over the Christmas break. Your dh will see the children over New Year. He couldn't see them over Christmas anyway because of work so everything has fallen into place for you except for the exact day of your ds's birthday. With all the other exciting plans he has to look forward to I don't thing he will be too disappointed with a birthday tea a day earlier. Especially if you explain that it is the only way he can see his dgm near his birthday and make sure that she too can have a nice Christmas. It's unfortunate that your ds is so rigid about requirements, but at the same time she is prepared to have your mother at Christmas, which means you don't need to worry about her, so to me, the tea a day earlier is a small price to pay for everyone being sorted over Christmas in these strange times. Seems you've had a stessful year op, just go with the flow on this one and enjoy your holiday

@katy1213

I also agree that the more you pander to this, you're enabling your sister's paranoia. She'll be dead of scurvy/food poisoning before COVID gets her. I'd be inclined to fib to her - but that doesn't help her to face up to normal life either.

I agree re enabling her but because she's so far away, there isn't much they can do without visiting her and seeing if it's genuine or hyperbole. Which means going down. Under the circs, I think I could sacrifice a week to make sure I can visit

The problem is that she won’t let me visit at all. I can’t isolate myself for a week away from my dc - I’m a single parent. I just don’t know what I can do from where I am. I wanted to visit after her baby was born and just wave through the window and chat to her on the phone as I knew she wouldn’t want to open the window. But even that she considered too risky. I asked her why and she just said ‘If you really can’t see why that’s putting us at risk then I can’t help you’. It’s bonkers.

nephew was 4 in September so should be at preschool at the moment but isn’t currently going, due to start reception in September next year. Dsis is convinced that the only kids going to school at the moment are key workers kids. She point blank doesn’t believe me when I tell her that everyone from both my dc’s classes are attending.

This is far more serious than her just being a bit OTT. I'm a bit surprised by how you're getting a few comments about her mental health being bad but this goes waaaay beyond mind MH issues. It only took me 20 seconds of googling to find the government's OWN guidance re schools: here . The first sentence reads: "It continues to be the aim that all pupils, in all year groups, remain in school full-time throughout the autumn term."

How is your sister not seeing this? How is she not seeing the news/reading up on it. She truly believes something which is so easily disbelieved that her refusal to accept it is far beyond a point at which I'd be slightly concerned about her mental health.

I don't actually think it matters how well you know your BIL. Surely this is a time to contact him and find out what is happening.

And send her the government's page!

Sorry op o meant your mom
Obv you and DC can't isolate from one another.

I do think someone needs to do an intervention of some sort of she thinks waving at a window will harm her

@OhFFSNowWhat

The problem is that she won’t let me visit at all. I can’t isolate myself for a week away from my dc - I’m a single parent. I just don’t know what I can do from where I am. I wanted to visit after her baby was born and just wave through the window and chat to her on the phone as I knew she wouldn’t want to open the window. But even that she considered too risky. I asked her why and she just said ‘If you really can’t see why that’s putting us at risk then I can’t help you’. It’s bonkers.

We cross posted. Seriously, this is very very worrying. There's irrational and then there's absolutely batshit. I dread to think what the house looks like inside.

I'm not following. Why would her paranoid translate into her not doing the housework?

I am always confused by this need for rules. Why not just use common sense. If you are testing to find out if you are carrying the virus WHY would you NOT isolate until you have the result . Otherwise there is not much point in getting the test.

Because.. this scenario. ;

Get in car with self and kids. Go get test. Come home. You go to work, kids go to school . Your results are positive- you have all just spread it around school and work.

Or -

Go get test. Come home. Next day go to work and school. Result comes back negative. HOWEVER - you pick the virus up that day - but believing you are clear , go off to visit vulnerable people and give it to them.

The ONLY way to be responsible if you are really testing to protect vulnerable relatives/friends is to go take a test then come home and not go out until you head for the relatives house. - otherwise their is absolutely no point in taking a test.

You don't need a law . Just a thought process about viral transmission from an aerosol borne host .

On a practical note OP, for the journey down your mum could wear something like Tena knicker pads. It would be a shame if your mum's opportunity to see how your sister is is scuppered because she needs the loo.