To think dsis being OTT wrt Christmas?

[OhFFSNowWhat]

I live with my 2 dc and along the road from my dm. I split from dh at the beginning of the year. My dsis lives 2 hours away with her dh, Ds and 3mo baby. Originally dh had booked for dc and I to go abroad for Christmas but then CV hit and dh and I split up so that wasn’t going to be going ahead. Because of this my dm was going to spend Chris with dc and I at my house and dc would go to exdh’s a few days later.

But...now exdh can’t get any time off work over Christmas at all and won’t be able to see dc until NYE. As airlines are flying again and we hadn’t actually cancelled it exdh said that I should still take dc’s away for Christmas with my dm. However, dm is terrified of flying so I’m going to take dc on my own.

Dsis has said my mum can go down to hers on Christmas Day and stay for a few days. However, my dsis has been being incredibly cautious about Coronavirus. She has barely left the house since February, she wouldn’t let me come and wave through the window at her new baby when he was born (this was when there were fewer travel restrictions) as she thought the risk was too high. I’m trying to be as understanding as I can, everyone has a different interpretation of risk, she’s always been cautious so I do kind of understand.

It’s my youngests birthday on 18th so 7 days before my dm would travel down to my dsis. Dsis has said that dm can only come and see them if she has stayed inside for the 7 days prior to Christmas Day with absolutely zero contact with anyone - she can’t get any shopping delivered, she can’t go out for a run, she can’t stop for petrol or toilet on the way up. If she does any of these things dsis won’t let her visit.

This obviously means dm can’t come to dc’s birthday tea. We’ve bubbled together so she’s been coming over a lot which has been great for both her and me. Dc is obviously disappointed he couldn’t have a party (I’d stupidly told him back in March that I’m sure it would be fine for him to have a party by December). He’s a really sociable boy and has taken lockdown really hard. Exdh can’t make it for his birthday either so it will be really sad if it’s just me and his brother for his birthday . Both myself and dc1 will have had CV tests with the results back by then anyway as we need them to be able to fly the next day. Dc2 won’t be having a test as he’s too young.

What should I do? Dm wants to just come and not tell dsis. I cant do it a day earlier as we might not have CV results by then and dc1 and I have to isolate between having test and getting results.

Any suggestions I haven’t thought of? Discussing any kind of flexibility with dsis is absolutely off the table. I don’t know if it’s some form of PND but she absolutely shuts down any talk of it if it’s brought up. All she’ll say is ‘you take your risks, I’ll take mine’.

I think the biggest issue here is the way your sister has reacted to all this. It's not normal and it's not healthy. And as a 4 year old is mandatory school age he should be going or she should be getting finned, so I don't know how she's got around that?

The government guidelines in the work place is to inform close contacts that have been on shift with a positive employee three days before a positive test. So the 7 days prior isolation is excessive. Because of this I would let your mum celebrate with you. Tell Dsis that you celebrated it the day before so you don't have to worry about your DC mentioning it. I find it incredibly concerning that your nephew hasn't left his house in 9 months. Doesn't he go to nursery?

I think you have to be honest with DSis but I would be worried about her MH. And that of her DC.

Is the 4yo not at nursery, surely she needs to get them into company before they start school? I'd be half tempted to report to SS. 9months of no outside contact is horrific for a 4yo and a huge chunk of their lifetime.

@Hahaha88 mandatory school age is September after 5th birthday. Not 4th.

You dont need to isolate if you have a private test and no symptoms. The hospital would have asked you to, to minimise the risk to them.

It does sound worrying what your sister is doing, I've literally never heard of anyone quarantining their food for 10 days.

Personally I think you need to prioritise your sister and her mental health here. I dont think your mum should risk mixing with others indoors, its quite a big thing to lie about.

I think she should still go out for a walk and get shopping delivered as the risks are minimal but she could celebrate with your son beforehand or you could explain to him and move his celebrations the week before or something

Your mum wants to lie to your sister? Wow.

And needless to say, it will get out somehow if your DM comes round on his birthday. Your DS will mention it at a later date, or something.

@Viviennemary

Just leave everyone to make their own decisions. It's the simplest way. If your mum wants to keep things a secret I wouldn't be happy to be complicit in this even if I thought your sister was being unreasonable.

Totally agree with this. Both of you lying to your sister would be awful.

Is your sister really going to be ok with having your mother there when it comes to it. Her routines sound absolutely like a form of OCD. To be honest I would consider speaking to her DH about it if you can as he may have just got used to it.

Your mum is going to have a pretty miserable time if she goes.

But other than that just leave them to arrange their plans and have a good holiday.

I think your sister is mentally unwell

The damage she must be doing to her own family is immeasurable

I only know one family who haven’t left their house since March and I do think they have gone crazy in their fear.

Every time they hear of people going out they think they will catch Covid. All sense seems to have left them.

I can’t even see them going out when there is a vaccine.

Your sister probably has PND her demands on her own family and mother are illogical.

The family I know also think that very few people are venturing out and the people they know who are going out are the minority.
No idea how we are supposed to live without going to work.

This is really sad. Don't lie - your sister needs your mum to intervene. She needs to be told very clearly that she is not behaving in a healthy way.

Her 4 year old is at zero risk from covid. How can she not believe you re. nursery and school? Can't you send her evidence
?

If she has a phd can you start a discussion - emailing her links to WHO guidelines about risk/ the lack of risk for children/ the liklihood that most over 80 year olds will survive covid let alone a totally healthy woman in her 30s or 40s.

@PercyPiginaWig

Why do you need to isolate after getting the tests? It's not like you're getting them done because you have symptoms or have had close contact with a confirmed case. Celebrate on 17th with your mum and 18th again with just the children. Your sister is being harsh and ridiculous saying your mum can't stop for a toilet break!

You don’t have to isolate between test and result, but. if you do get a positive result, then everyone you were in contact with from the 48 hrs prior to the test, and you receiving the result will need to SI for a full 14 days.

Most people I know have voluntarily SI’d during this period as a courtesy to others.

I don't think your DSIS is being ott and she is entitled to set the rules for her house and seeing her baby. Your DM has to decide if she'd rather see your DS for his birthday and spend Christmas alone or if she is going to self-isolate and spend Christmas with your DSIS.
If I were you, I'd be encouraging your DM to respect your DSIS' rules and spend Christmas with her. It's the best option for all of them.

Your DS is flying off on holiday for Christmas, I'm sure you can manage to reframe it as the best birthday/Christmas ever rather than being doom and gloom about what he is missing.

I think it’s really up to your DM and what’s important to her.

Is it important to her that she spends Christmas with her daughter, who is clearly struggling, and seeing her grandsons.

Or is it more important to her that she is able to carry on as normal for the 7 days before Christmas and not see them and possibly spend Christmas on her own.

If the former, she adheres to your sisters wishes.

If the latter, she politely declines the invitation.

Lying and sneaking around is dreadful.

@teateateateateamoretea
@NikeDeLaSwoosh

OP is getting a test purely because it's a requirement for travel.
It can tell her she doesn't have the virus at the time of the test and nothing more. Even if she were to isolate after the test she could theoretically have a positive test the day after a negative one.
She could come into contact with it on the way home, or in the airport.

People self isolate after a test if it's due to symptoms or close contact or needing hospital treatment or visiting a vulnerable relative.
But not asymptomatic people who wouldn't otherwise have been tested except for the fact that you need a negative test result to get into most countries.
I've travelled recently (for work) and there were lots of people wearing masks 'at half mast' under their noses in UK airports.

The principle of testing for travel is exactly the same as testing for hospital treatment or visiting the vulnerable. There are no differences whatsoever

I have no intention of lying my sister at all. I’ll probably give her a ring on Christmas Day but other than that I won’t speak to her between dc’s birthday and Christmas. I think I’m just feeling anxious as I know there is no way that my mum will be able to stay in a house for 7 days straight without going absolutely bonkers. She’ll either sneak out and get told to leave by my sister or get really frustrated at staying in and end up snapping at sister. Either way I just know there’s going to be a huge falling out when my sister is already very vulnerable and my mum will then have to come home and be on her own. But I’m just so fed up of having to mediate between everyone, it’s been a shitty year for everyone and, completely selfishly, I’m really looking forward to having a week in the sun and not having to worry about any of it.

Your sister seems to have really spiralled into being very mentally unwell. I think that, crap as it is, your mum will have to prioritise seeing her over christmas if only to be able to assess the situation, provide some support for the children etc. In this way, your mum being "alone" at Christmas is the perfect in she needs to check on your sister. I think you are right to hold the Birthday tea early (so you dont have to lie to your sister on behalf of your mum about when you last saw her) and after that it is up to your mum how closely she follows your sisters (crazy) instructions and whether she lies or not

And enjoy your holiday, which you deserve! Whether your mum or sister argue is not your problem.

I actually would lie because your sister has been ridiculous. She obviously has no sense of risk assessment.

I don't think it's nasty either - I think it's "nasty" to keep a 4 year old child in the house and garden since March tbh. Obviously completely separate issue but because of this alone is why I would lie. She is not going to listen to any kind of reasoning if she thinks that is acceptable.

[quote user686833]@Hahaha88 mandatory school age is September after 5th birthday. Not 4th.[/quote]
Oh yes you're right. I was thinking most children turn 4 then start reception at age 4,but the nephew may have turned 4 after September so he won't start til next year

I really think you need to say something about how she is keeping her 4yr old inside, its absolutely appalling.

Your sister is seriously unwell.

Maybe your mum could arrange for the HV to get in contact?

hahaha88 yes, nephew was 4 in September so should be at preschool at the moment but isn’t currently going, due to start reception in September next year. Dsis is convinced that the only kids going to school at the moment are key workers kids. She point blank doesn’t believe me when I tell her that everyone from both my dc’s classes are attending. I work part time from home and she thinks I’m just enjoying having time to myself and when we inevitably have to have another lockdown in January it will all be due to people like me taking advantage of ‘loopholes’.

She hung up the phone on me when I told her I was going on holiday. I know going abroad isn’t the best thing to be doing during a pandemic but we’re going to an island with zero cases that relies almost entirely on tourism and we have to have tests before we go. Dsis claims that my actions over the last year have changed how she thinks of me . It’s really sad. My sister has always been one of my best friends and she seems to have had a complete personality transplant. I just miss having a laugh with her and I don’t know how to get her back. She’ll never let me go down and see her unless I can guarantee that I’ve been inside and away from my dc or dc have stayed inside too for a week. I’m never able to have a week away from dc and as I have a very small house and garden couldn’t make my dc stay inside for a week on her whim.

@OhFFSNowWhat you've not said, is your sisters partner staying home all this time too?

Get your DM a test as well, that way you can all still see each other, your sister will know 100% your mum is not the reason should DSis have an trouble afterwards and your son gets his party.
Check your sister is ok with this.