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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am wrong and being insensitive?

97 replies

JohnLondon · 01/12/2020 19:52

Hi everyone, I'd love to get a view on this - particular a females.

So my wife and I have been getting on great recently, lockdown has actually been a blessing for us in that respect. So great in fact we've just stared trying for baby. Plus it's our 10 year anniversary early next year and we've been looking to go away and do something special eg Maldives.

Outside of us I have a group of friends I've been hanging out with for 15 years. My wife doesn't join in most times as she doesn't like crowded bars etc but is always happy for me to go out - which is great. Then the other day one of the group decided for her 40th (in January) she'd invite her closest bunch of friends to go on celebrate on holiday together to the Caribbean, and just get away after the trauma of lockdown. They are going for 2 weeks.

I was invited and asked my wife if I could go, saying I'd only go for 1 week. This wasn't to replace any other holiday's we had together eg Maldives - this was just a bonus for me.

She exploded saying absolutely not, it's irresponsible in a pandemic, I shouldn't hang out with such idiotic friends and was absolutely livid. She says how could I be so selfish when we've not been away together (yet we went to Greece in September).

I thought I'm not interrupting any of our other plans and I get the health risks, but you have to take a covid test pre travelling and also whilst there - so thought that would be safe.

Is it insensitive of me to ask?

OP posts:

Porgy · 01/12/2020 19:55

I think you've read your wife completely wrong. She doesn't dislike crowded bars, she clearly dislikes this group of friends and doesn't want you to do away with them.

Did your wife get invited as well or was it just you?

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 19:56

I don’t think it was insensitive to ask. It’s a perfectly reasonable request. I’m not sure how I feel about her saying no though! Pandemic aside, I wouldn’t be happy about my husband going for a two week holiday in the Caribbean for selfish reasons because I’d want to go to. Hate the idea of him having all that fun / spending all that money just for him and not me too.

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 19:57

she clearly dislikes this group of friends
I didn’t read it like that. I read it that she thinks going on holiday in a pandemic is idiotic. Not that they’re generally idiotic.

SummerHouse · 01/12/2020 20:00

Was your wife invited. I wouldn't be impressed with this if it was my DH but wouldn't tell him not to. I really don't think he would want to though so hard to imagine from your wife's perspective.

FromThe70s · 01/12/2020 20:01

Going on holiday in a global pandemic is idiotic - she’s absolutely right!

So is such frequent international travel, from an environmental point of view, but that’s another thread...

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2020 20:03

She says how could I be so selfish when we've not been away together (yet we went to Greece in September).

This sounds a bit irrational.

But if your wife wasn't invited to a big holiday trip like this, I would advise you to say you can't go. If she is invited, try to persuade her to come too.

flaviaritt · 01/12/2020 20:04

It is a little insensitive, yes. She’s not invited (bit rude), and presumably you’ve not been away all year. She’s probably finding the idea of you having a great time with your mates while she’s left at at home hard.

BrutusMcDogface · 01/12/2020 20:04

But you’re planning on going to the Maldives early next year (can’t scroll up). Going on holiday in a pandemic? 🤔

Wellpark · 01/12/2020 20:04

Two weeks ??!!! Who gets so much time off that they can go away for two weeks in addition to family holidays? And you are married. Married people usually don't bog off on friends holidays on their own.

NoSquirrels · 01/12/2020 20:05

Just a thought, OP - do you think one of the reasons you're getting on better in lockdown is that you haven't really had the opportunity to go out much, particularly with this group of friends?

TiaandTamera · 01/12/2020 20:05

If you've just started trying for a baby, will you be away while she's fertile? It might be a combination of things - her not invited, doesn't particularly like your friends, money, your holiday put off or not seeming as special, pandemic, trying for a baby etc.

OrigamiOwl · 01/12/2020 20:05

I think I would be a bit unimpressed if my husband went off to the Caribbean, whilst we were trying for a baby, leaving me behind as I'm not invited. I would feel very far down on the pecking order. Especially in the current circumstances, covid-wise.

user1487194234 · 01/12/2020 20:06

Married people usually don't bog off on friends holidays on their own.
Eh?
Married 20 years and DH and I always have at least 1 break away with friends every year

JimandPam · 01/12/2020 20:06

Out of interest, are other friends taking their partners? This may play into it.

Her reaction may be a bit extreme but I sort of agree with her points. Maldives holiday would just be the two of you so I'd have more of an issue with you mixing with loads of others on your friends holiday.

You're not wrong to ask but she's also not unreasonable to say no

itchyfinger · 01/12/2020 20:07

Wait, was your wife invited? And the friend is a woman? You asked your wife if you could go to the Caribbean with a group of friends that included other women (I.e not a 'lads trip'l and she wasnt invited. Have a think about why she was pissed off.

Neveranynamesleft · 01/12/2020 20:07

I can understand her being upset too. Nothing to do with covid or the other group of friends but purely the fact that you want to go, seem keen to go, without her.
I would possibly be packing your bags.

Neveranynamesleft · 01/12/2020 20:08

And not for the holiday, I hasten to add !

FredtheFerret · 01/12/2020 20:08

Agree with the others.

I'd be pissed off if my DH decided to go off to the Caribbean on holiday with his friends this Jan. And you saying you'll just do a week sounds patronising, frankly. I particularly disliked the this was just a bonus for me.

What makes you deserve 'a bonus'? Particularly to the Caribbean with people she clearly doesn't like much? Why not go for an extra week to the Maldives with your wife?

Gancanny · 01/12/2020 20:08

How early in the year is your anniversary? Perhaps she's worried you going away in the early part of the year (January) will overshadow your anniversary and that you're not going to be as excited about that or the Maldives as you'll be prepping for/going to/talking about the Caribbean. Perhaps she is feeling a bit alienated due to being on the outside of this group and that this will push her out even more? Its your group of friends who you've known 15 years but how well do they generally view her? Does she get on with them? Are other spouses part of the group and have other spouses been invited on the holiday?

Also, "females"? No. Typically its a certain type of man who refers to women as "females".

Heyahun · 01/12/2020 20:08

I’m kinda surprised you even have to ask tbh - I can’t imagine ever asking my husband permission to go away on holiday. She can’t tell you what to do - you don’t even have kids yet !

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 20:08

My husband goes on holiday every year with his friends. I’ve never once considered that to be a bad thing.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 01/12/2020 20:11

So you want a two week slap up drink holiday in the Caribbean with other women and not invite your wife. And you want to know if its ok. Seriously? Why are you even married.

LaceyBetty · 01/12/2020 20:11

My husband goes away with his friends but always a "guys trip" and not a mixed group that I wasn't invited to be a part of. I would not be thrilled if I were her.

lyralalala · 01/12/2020 20:11

yet we went to Greece in September

Have you ever been long haul with your wife?

I think a lot of people would be miffed if you had never been long haul, are "looking" at maybe going somewhere special together, but then come up with a firm plan to go to the Carribean for a week without her in January.

A week in the Carribean is a pretty major holiday without your other half

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 20:13

So you want a two week slap up drink holiday in the Caribbean with other women and not invite your wife. And you want to know if its ok. Seriously? Aside from the fact he didn’t say it was a drinking holiday and is only going for a week, what would be wrong with that anyway? Especially as they don’t have kids. Can’t really work out what the issue would be.

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