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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am wrong and being insensitive?

97 replies

JohnLondon · 01/12/2020 19:52

Hi everyone, I'd love to get a view on this - particular a females.

So my wife and I have been getting on great recently, lockdown has actually been a blessing for us in that respect. So great in fact we've just stared trying for baby. Plus it's our 10 year anniversary early next year and we've been looking to go away and do something special eg Maldives.

Outside of us I have a group of friends I've been hanging out with for 15 years. My wife doesn't join in most times as she doesn't like crowded bars etc but is always happy for me to go out - which is great. Then the other day one of the group decided for her 40th (in January) she'd invite her closest bunch of friends to go on celebrate on holiday together to the Caribbean, and just get away after the trauma of lockdown. They are going for 2 weeks.

I was invited and asked my wife if I could go, saying I'd only go for 1 week. This wasn't to replace any other holiday's we had together eg Maldives - this was just a bonus for me.

She exploded saying absolutely not, it's irresponsible in a pandemic, I shouldn't hang out with such idiotic friends and was absolutely livid. She says how could I be so selfish when we've not been away together (yet we went to Greece in September).

I thought I'm not interrupting any of our other plans and I get the health risks, but you have to take a covid test pre travelling and also whilst there - so thought that would be safe.

Is it insensitive of me to ask?

OP posts:
LaceyBetty · 01/12/2020 20:13

@Heyahun

I’m kinda surprised you even have to ask tbh - I can’t imagine ever asking my husband permission to go away on holiday. She can’t tell you what to do - you don’t even have kids yet !
Do you have kids and separate finances and tonnes of annual leave? I don't typically "ask" but it's certainly a joint discussion and agreement.
Krampusnacht · 01/12/2020 20:14

Perhaps she's also concerned you might contract covid on this holiday and it'll impact your plans for a 10th anniversary trip with her?

Either way I wouldn't be happy either, sorry!

Nottherealslimshady · 01/12/2020 20:16

DH and I have holidays apart at least once a year, varieties of UK and abroad. I would not be impressed if after this year and no holidays together he suggests him going to Caribbean in January with his friends.
How bloody ridiculous. Covid is gonna be rife after Christmas for one. And two, yeah its bloody insensitive to go on holiday on your own when you haven't been in holiday together for ages. The Caribbean isn't a cheap holiday either is it?

Nottherealslimshady · 01/12/2020 20:17

What's whether they've got kids got to do with anything? They're still married, not like his girlfriend of 6 months is telling him he cant go on holiday.

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 20:17

@Nottherealslimshady they went to Greece in September?

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 20:19

What's whether they've got kids got to do with anything? They're still married!
Because disappearing for a week when you’ve got kids is a big ask. He would be asking his wife to take soul responsibility for them. That’s asking an awful lot from someone else. Married is chained together... why does being married mean you can’t have a week apart? You can’t leave a child for a week but you can leave an adult.

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 20:20

Sole*

ReeseWitherfork · 01/12/2020 20:20

Married ISNT chained together*

Should have proof read!

Heyahun · 01/12/2020 20:23

@LaceyBetty - Don’t have kids yet (one on the way though)

We spilt the rent and bills fairly between us and both contribute pretty equally to savings - but we both have our own money separate and can do we we please with that! I don’t ask permission for what I do with that money - i buy what I like, go on holidays if I want with who I want - same goes for him!

Obviously we prioritise holidays And stuff together - but we have our own separate stuff going on too

The poster said they don’t have kids yet - so it’s not like he has responsibilities at home yet so I don’t get what the issue is at all!

LaceyBetty · 01/12/2020 20:31

@Heyahun fair enough. I'm probably picturing my husband leaving me in the rain with two kids for a week in the sun! Not that I would ever need to give "permission" but, there would be a discussion about it.

Heyahun · 01/12/2020 20:34

@LaceyBetty I know once our baby arrives I wouldn’t just be jetting off without discussing it with my husband first 😂 Nor would I be pleased if he headed off without discussing with me either!

But while you are kid free I don’t see the problem :)

LaceyBetty · 01/12/2020 20:35

Absolutely. Enjoy!

DappledThings · 01/12/2020 20:43

Two weeks ??!!! Who gets so much time off that they can go away for two weeks in addition to family holidays?
I get 27 days of leave a year which I thought was fairly standard DH gets 33. We could easily split that into two big chunks of holiday. Couldn't afford money wise to go on 2 long haul breaks a year but time wise isn't an issue.

katy1213 · 01/12/2020 20:47

He's only going for a week and presumably can afford it, on top of other holidays. Are married people only allowed separate holidays if they go somewhere crap? Would a week in Skeggie be okay?
I'm not sure of the wisdom of travelling during a pandemic - on grounds of possible cancellation, if nothing else - but marriage to some Mumsnetters sounds like a prison sentence!
Go and have a great time (but make sure you book the Maldives too).

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/12/2020 20:53

Tbh I wouldn’t be too happy on a long haul destination with friends I’m not invited to go with; using annual leave and family funds...

Heyahun · 01/12/2020 20:54

He didn’t say he was using family funds though did he?

chocolatemademefat · 02/12/2020 05:34

Well it’s been a terrible year for most of us so I think your wife is being downright unreasonable. You obviously deserve this holiday with your friends while she stays home in the rain. You have to sort out the status quo in your relationship and make sure she knows how important it is for you to have fun with your mates.

Or you could just grow up and stay home - after the traumatic year you and your friends have had.

GoldfishParade · 02/12/2020 05:56

Are people missing the point that she accused him of being irresponsible for going away during a pandemic, yet shes been abroad herself (in September) and is planning to again (maldives).

Shes being irrational but from my experience of reacting that way myself, it's about more emotional reasons than you suspect.

She doesnt skip your bar hangout sessions because she hates crowded bars.

Where do you live? Do you live on your home turf? Does she have many friends? What are your friends like? Does she get on with them outside of a crowd setting?

Theres a massive back story here with further details that are bothering her which you may not even be aware of

PigsInHeaven · 02/12/2020 06:14

@ReeseWitherfork

My husband goes on holiday every year with his friends. I’ve never once considered that to be a bad thing.
Well, we often go away separately as well as together, but I think leisure travel in a global pandemic is irresponsible.
Gremlinsateit · 02/12/2020 06:25

Does it really matter who is wrong? Your pregnant life partner would like you not to go for a jaunt overseas without her in a pandemic with friends who are not polite enough to invite her.

Wouldn’t you want to find out which aspect particularly bothers her and work on a mutually acceptable solution?

theantsgomarchin · 02/12/2020 06:39

Sorry to derail the thread slightly but if you're trying for a baby then you can't go to the Maldives as it has a risk of zika

ThatsMeChickenArm · 02/12/2020 06:41

@Gremlinsateit

Does it really matter who is wrong? Your pregnant life partner would like you not to go for a jaunt overseas without her in a pandemic with friends who are not polite enough to invite her.

Wouldn’t you want to find out which aspect particularly bothers her and work on a mutually acceptable solution?

This. Entirely.

I think you are suddenly in a better place in your marriage so are back to taking the piss.

MsTSwift · 02/12/2020 06:48

We both have long weekend type trips separately with friends but agree with her a big ticket long haul sit by the pool with cocktails for a week type trip for a week plus no way would want to go without dh.

Ginfordinner · 02/12/2020 07:03

I think it is highly unlikely that anyone will be going on holiday in January anyway.

Moondust001 · 02/12/2020 07:18

I seem to be mostly out of step here, but I think that provided the travel is sanctioned as safe, then yes, she is being ridiculous. She was more than happy to go to Greece in a pandemic, so going away during a pandemic, regardless of location, seems daft. Marriage is a voluntary commitment, not super-glue - there is no reason why couples must do everything together. Personally I think it is healthy when couples have their own lives as well as a life together. I also don't see why the fact it is a mixed group would make any difference - she either trusts you or she doesn't. If she doesn't, then the marriage isn't what you think.