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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am wrong and being insensitive?

97 replies

JohnLondon · 01/12/2020 19:52

Hi everyone, I'd love to get a view on this - particular a females.

So my wife and I have been getting on great recently, lockdown has actually been a blessing for us in that respect. So great in fact we've just stared trying for baby. Plus it's our 10 year anniversary early next year and we've been looking to go away and do something special eg Maldives.

Outside of us I have a group of friends I've been hanging out with for 15 years. My wife doesn't join in most times as she doesn't like crowded bars etc but is always happy for me to go out - which is great. Then the other day one of the group decided for her 40th (in January) she'd invite her closest bunch of friends to go on celebrate on holiday together to the Caribbean, and just get away after the trauma of lockdown. They are going for 2 weeks.

I was invited and asked my wife if I could go, saying I'd only go for 1 week. This wasn't to replace any other holiday's we had together eg Maldives - this was just a bonus for me.

She exploded saying absolutely not, it's irresponsible in a pandemic, I shouldn't hang out with such idiotic friends and was absolutely livid. She says how could I be so selfish when we've not been away together (yet we went to Greece in September).

I thought I'm not interrupting any of our other plans and I get the health risks, but you have to take a covid test pre travelling and also whilst there - so thought that would be safe.

Is it insensitive of me to ask?

OP posts:

popsydoodle4444 · 02/12/2020 10:43

I was in this situation

DH's female best mate invited DH on a weekend holiday with her and her DH staying at her ex pat relatives house in a European country.

I too lost my rag with my DH as I felt it was a piss take.I told DH I'd be happy to go on this holiday with them as why should I be excluded.

Funnily enough once I said I'd like to go the weekend didn't go ahead.

ReeseWitherfork · 02/12/2020 10:45

You wanting to go away to the sunshine without her as the first major holiday after you’ve spent this wonderful time together that you’re even trying for a baby just hits that spot that makes her feel a bit shit and abandoned

I think this might have hit the nail on the head. This really resonates with me.

Lovewinemorethanhusband · 02/12/2020 10:48

If you can afford it whilst also having a holiday together when you can i dont see the issue really.
I would say she's probs not a fan off your friends.
My husband goes away with his group of friends about twice a year for a long weekend i happily wave him off and starfish in bed without snoring waking me up, we have 3 children as well and its been lime this since we've been together 12 years. In the early days before children they all used to have a week away together.

Fuckitsstillraining · 02/12/2020 11:01

His wife obviously didn't think the holiday to Greece in September was stupid.

babbaloushka · 02/12/2020 11:23

That's a big holiday without your SO, was she invited? Sounds as though she's not that keen on the friends, but respects that you like them and doesnt want to stir it up.

KatieGGGG · 02/12/2020 11:53

Her response sounds like it’s coming from emotion not logic.

You say it’s a female friend that’s invited you abroad, could there be something in that?

A week in the Caribbean is quite a big holiday. It may have come as a surprise to her especially if you’re TTC, upcoming anniversary etc.

You’re not selfish wanting to go on holiday though as there aren’t kids involved yet. Speak to her and find out what she’s unhappy about.

timeisnotaline · 02/12/2020 12:09

Trying to imagine dh lounging about in pools and sun while I’m in grey cold uk in jan because I wasn’t invited... I’d be bitter too!

PigsInHeaven · 02/12/2020 12:12

@popsydoodle4444

I was in this situation

DH's female best mate invited DH on a weekend holiday with her and her DH staying at her ex pat relatives house in a European country.

I too lost my rag with my DH as I felt it was a piss take.I told DH I'd be happy to go on this holiday with them as why should I be excluded.

Funnily enough once I said I'd like to go the weekend didn't go ahead.

But she's not your friend -- why would you expect to be invited? Do you expect to be invited to everything your DH is? I would find it deeply odd to think people regarded us as something like a pair of shoes or curtains, or something that only existed as a pair.

corythatwas · 02/12/2020 13:31

We don't know her so hard to know exactly her motives. But some possibles are:

a) as someone said, you've had a special time in lockdown and now you're TTC- she might well have expected you would want to do something special with her

b) Covid. September is neither here nor there: many people are predicting a Covid spike in January and tests won't actually protect you from infection. Also TTC puts a different light on risk-taking: if you are TTC she may well want you to be extra careful about an illness that can lead to long term disability even in younger patients.

c) we don't know how she feels about your friends/female friends, so hard to evaluate that.

corythatwas · 02/12/2020 13:32

Women have to do a fair few things to cut down risks when TTC. It is possible she feels you should be thinking along the same lines.

teateateateateamoretea · 02/12/2020 13:38

OP don't call women "females".

Pinkfreesias · 02/12/2020 13:52

So, your wife said going on holiday during a pandemic is wrong, not 2 months after she went on holiday to Greece during a pandemic and while planning an exotic holiday during a pandemic???

The pandemic and responsible travel are clearly not the reason for her reaction. Does she have an underlying dislike of one or more of your friends? Does she not trust you? Does she expect an invite, too?

knittingaddict · 02/12/2020 13:54

It looks like the op isn't remotely interested in any of your opinions.

knittingaddict · 02/12/2020 13:55

@teateateateateamoretea

OP don't call women "females".

Wind up post? The op, not you.

LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag · 02/12/2020 14:06

My husband and I go away separately with friends but if he suggested going to the Caribbean without me I'd put my foot down.
I also think the covid infection rate is going to be so high after all the mixing that'll happen over Christmas that it's not worth the risk. Even if you don't have it before you fly there's a strong chance that you'll get it from a friend, someone on one of the long-haul flights, another holiday guest, an employee, etc.

CorianderQueen · 02/12/2020 14:39

I'd be ok with five days in Spain or something but two weeks in the Caribbean without me? No

How much will that cost? Several grand? And you'll only have two weeks holiday left to take with your wife.

SummerHouse · 02/12/2020 14:41

@teateateateateamoretea

OP don't call women "females".

Are you the Dad in Friday Night Dinner?

Florelei · 02/12/2020 15:52

I think I’d be a bit annoyed at not being invited!

irregularegular · 02/12/2020 16:02

If you don't have children yet and can afford it I really don't see an issue with being apart on holiday with friends for a week. Doesn't matter whether it is Caribbean or Blackpool. Personally I'm not sure about booking travel at the moment with all the uncertainty, but if you are currently allowed, are insured, and can deal with any required quarantine then fine.

In that case either your wife is being overly controlling, or she really doesn't like these friends and the effect they have on you.

But if money is an issue then that is a different matter.

baubling · 02/12/2020 16:25

@JohnLondon

Hi everyone, I'd love to get a view on this - particular a females.

I was invited and asked my wife if I could go, saying I'd only go for 1 week. This wasn't to replace any other holiday's we had together eg Maldives - this was just a bonus for me.

I thought I'm not interrupting any of our other plans and I get the health risks, but you have to take a covid test pre travelling and also whilst there - so thought that would be safe.

Is it insensitive of me to ask?

It is rather insensitive of someone to invite a married person away on a fortnight's holiday without their spouse.

laudete · 02/12/2020 17:03

Assuming money isn't an issue, I think it was fine to raise the subject for discussion. Tbh, I wouldn't want you to plan either vacay during a pandemic but that is an entirely separate issue. And... it might also be worth stocking up on pregnancy tests. This seems to be a somewhat irrational outburst so you might be staying home for reasons other than her sudden apparent dislike of your longterm friends. GL :)

WingBingo · 02/12/2020 17:09

I’d bloody love a week in the Caribbean with my mates.

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