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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am wrong and being insensitive?

97 replies

JohnLondon · 01/12/2020 19:52

Hi everyone, I'd love to get a view on this - particular a females.

So my wife and I have been getting on great recently, lockdown has actually been a blessing for us in that respect. So great in fact we've just stared trying for baby. Plus it's our 10 year anniversary early next year and we've been looking to go away and do something special eg Maldives.

Outside of us I have a group of friends I've been hanging out with for 15 years. My wife doesn't join in most times as she doesn't like crowded bars etc but is always happy for me to go out - which is great. Then the other day one of the group decided for her 40th (in January) she'd invite her closest bunch of friends to go on celebrate on holiday together to the Caribbean, and just get away after the trauma of lockdown. They are going for 2 weeks.

I was invited and asked my wife if I could go, saying I'd only go for 1 week. This wasn't to replace any other holiday's we had together eg Maldives - this was just a bonus for me.

She exploded saying absolutely not, it's irresponsible in a pandemic, I shouldn't hang out with such idiotic friends and was absolutely livid. She says how could I be so selfish when we've not been away together (yet we went to Greece in September).

I thought I'm not interrupting any of our other plans and I get the health risks, but you have to take a covid test pre travelling and also whilst there - so thought that would be safe.

Is it insensitive of me to ask?

OP posts:
Macncheeseballs · 02/12/2020 07:22

I'd imagine similar conversations are going on in the other friends houses, cant she just go away for the weekend to celebrate

Mumbum2011 · 02/12/2020 07:33

If it's safe to go and in line with regulations then I don't see the issue.

Can you afford it and do you have the annual leave? If so I'd be away. Dh and I have had many many holidays without the other. That's the norm in my social circe.

merlotormalbec · 02/12/2020 07:41

My husband goes away with his mates I've got no issues with it. You've already comprised saying you'd go for a week and you're still going to the Maldives with her. I think she's being unreasonable

BrummyMum1 · 02/12/2020 07:45

Unless there’s a massive back story your wife is being unreasonable.

Cygne · 02/12/2020 07:48

Why didn't your friends include your wife in the invitation? Even if they thought it wasn't her sort of thing it would have been polite to ask.

Going away in a group in the middle of a pandemic does sound a bit mad. Being tested for Covid doesn't stop you getting it, after all. Maybe she doesn't want you to risk getting ill in a place without optimum healthcare?

Nicolastuffedone · 02/12/2020 07:54

......and yet she was happy to go to Greece in September. In the middle of a pandemic.

Calmandmeasured1 · 02/12/2020 09:01

My thoughts:

  1. If you are planning a special holiday like the Maldives with your wife, yet go away with your friendship group to the Caribbean first, it detracts from the specialness of your anniversary holiday.
  1. Have you been on a long haul holiday before? If not, then you will be enjoying 'a first' with your friends. Your wife might want just the two of you to experience that 'first'.
  1. Is your wife concerned that you value your female friend's 40th birthday so highly that you are going somewhere special with her (and the rest of your friends)? Does your wife suffer with poor self-esteem or jealousy?

I don't think this is about the pandemic at all. If my thoughts above haven't even occurred to you, then maybe you are a little insensitive.

What does "My wife and I have been getting on great recently, lockdown has actually been a blessing for us in that respect." mean? We're you experiencing difficulties in your experience prior to lockdown? If so, think about the issues and whether they have actually been resolved to the satisfaction of both of you. Was your wife happier because you couldn't see your friendship group in lockdown and isn't so happy that you are seeing them again?

cuppateabiscuits · 02/12/2020 09:29

Not insensitive
Besides the covid thing what is her issue? That you have a close group of friends or she is not involved
Yet again another jealous partner I'd imagine.
Yes you are allowed a life

HappydaysArehere · 02/12/2020 09:37

Sorry mate but men often need telling. If I was you I would absorb what has been said.

Brefugee · 02/12/2020 09:42

tbh in normal times i wouldn't bat an eyelid (money and time off not being an issue, presumably)

Right now? meh. I don't think this kind of holiday is Covid-responsible and that seems to be what is concerning your wife, OP.

But - "females" really? what are you, a Ferengi? Women. We are women.

dontdisturbmenow · 02/12/2020 09:46

Wrong for many reasons.

Firstly, it's unlikely to be safe in January.

Secondly, after the lockdown, to celebrate, it's with your wife you should want to go away somewhere in the sunshine before wanting to go with your friends.

Thirdly, you are talking about a baby, a trip to the Maldives. Unless you are massively well off, it sounds a bit of an extravagant expense when you should be saving.

Most importantly, and the bit you are clearly missing out which is worrying, your wife is most likely feeling just like you. Fedup of the lockdown, desperate for a nice break in the sunshine and warmth. She would inevitably feel very envious of you having a great time with your friends whilst she's stuck for yet another week of work in cold grey England.

If you'd planned your Maldives trip before, it might not be so bad but as it is, yes, it would be very selfish.

readingismycardio · 02/12/2020 09:51

First of all, I am tempted to believe that your grup of friends is plain rude. Why wouldn't they invite her too? It's not like they're paying

Second: are there any couples? Or everyone's single?

Third: I'd be pissed too.

Spied · 02/12/2020 09:51

I don't think the pandemic is an issue if she was happy to go on holiday in September.
I think she's upset she hasn't been invited and she doesn't trust you to go away for this pal's birthday. I'm thinking she has a problem with somebody in this group.

WhereamI88 · 02/12/2020 09:55

Why isn't she invited? I'd be upset if the first major holiday my DP took after this horrific year was with his mates and then I had to wait another 4-5 months to go away with him (because very few people take two long haul holidays back to back)

AlbusSeverusMalfoy · 02/12/2020 10:00

She's right. It's stupid and irresponsible to go away on a plane during a pandemic. We aren't allowed to mix house holds in most tries in the UK. If you're not in the UK it's still bloody irresponsible!

Elfieishere · 02/12/2020 10:02

Thts not a cheap break away for a mates birthday. I think it’s a bit ott to be honest.

I can’t see that my partner would ever ask to do anything like that without inviting me.

A week in Spain, Greece, France etc then yeh... but the Caribbean ??? No.

You describe going to the Maldives as A special trip but going to the Caribbean is just normalConfused

MrsToothyBitch · 02/12/2020 10:03

  1. I doubt it'll be ok to go in Jan tbh.

  2. I think the consternation over Greece is a red herring. That trip has been & gone. In her mind it was your 2020 holiday, Maldives was your 2021 one and a special one to boot so worth the carbon foot print.

  3. You've committed to a £££ long haul trip with your DW. Yet you've now agreed to a ££££ long haul trip with your friends first. Not a comparatively cheap few days in Spain or a weekend in the UK. And you've agreed to only go for the week not the full fortnight! Shock Even if you happily do separate holidays, this is a huge undertaking and no wonder she feels slighted.

  4. Also, fair play to you if you can afford both but I can understand why she'd be upset if you've prioritised friends- especially ones she's not keen on and who don't include her- over her. I've been in a similar spot. It hurts.

  5. Maybe she's worried your trip won't be special/have the wow factor after that.

Dillydallyingthrough · 02/12/2020 10:06

Your wife is being unreasonable. Its not affecting your other holidays, she just doesn't want you to go and her reasoning is completely off if she was happy to go away in Sept.

gannett · 02/12/2020 10:10

Putting aside the pandemic - which I think makes a January holiday optimistic at best - I don't see a problem with this ultimately but you have to appreciate why she might be sensitive about it.

If DP actively organised a fancy holiday for January with his friends but without me, I think I'd be more annoyed.

But if this is someone else's idea to celebrate someone else's birthday and he was just invited I'd recognise that it wasn't his idea. The trip will be happening regardless of whether he's there and I would be unreasonable to stamp my foot and demand both he and his friends have a worse time (him not being there, friend not having his company) just because I'm stuck at home. I'd be happy for them to have a good time and would organise something nice for myself while he was gone - maybe even a trip away with my own friends!

In our 10 years together we've both happily been away without the other and it's never occurred to either of us to throw a fit about it.

Denying other people pleasure just because I don't get to share in it is a miserable way to live.

unlikelytobe · 02/12/2020 10:25

I think your Caribbean jolly is stealing the thunder from the Maldives trip. Not so special anymore, just another long haul tropical trip for lucky old you. Maybe she's being 'a dog in a manger' or maybe she thinks you're being selfish and irresponsible.

She tolerates the competition from your pub pals but isn't keen on an expensive holiday with them that excludes her? I kinda see her point.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 02/12/2020 10:28

Referring to lions, gorillas or chickens as "females" is fine, but for humans, it's better to use the specific word; women.

Apart from that, it really is all about you, isn't it? Can you genuinely not understand why your wife might be upset?

gannett · 02/12/2020 10:33

Does your wife have her own social circle and things she does with them/for herself?

In relationships where both partners also have strong external social circles this would be seen as more normal but if there's an imbalance it would obviously lead to more feelings of being left out.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2020 10:33

Can’t believe these responses. So controlling.

I’m married I’ve been away on holiday without my husband. For a week and ten days. I don’t ask permission as he is not my father. I’m a grown woman. I arrange it.

I must have missed the memo that when I got married I was no longer permitted to do this and needed to ask permission.

Op, your wife is being totally unreasonable, unless there is a child care issue, which it appears not, then go and have fun and tell her to stop being so fucking controlling. And don’t friggen ask in future. You’re not a child and she’s not your parent. You’re equal partners ans adults.

Bluntness100 · 02/12/2020 10:34

Apart from that, it really is all about you, isn't it? Can you genuinely not understand why your wife might be upset?

Well I can’t, so can you explain it? Just because she’s a Billy no mates and is envious, that’s her problem. Not his and he can’t make it his.

11smo11 · 02/12/2020 10:41

Not sure if this has been said already but you mentioned you are ttc recently and I am going to make a massive assumption that may mean she’s come off hormonal contraception too (not all is hormonal I know so this may not be the case but worth considering).

When I came off the pill it made me feel very much not myself for months and made me a feel a bit sensitive and insecure. I needed a bit more love and care and neither of us realised this until the phase was over and looking back we can both see that I just wasn’t fully myself then as my body regulated itself back to normal. Not everyone reacts that way, but if she’s usually pretty chill and now is not it could be that she’s feeling the effects contraception withdrawl (and maybe doesn’t know it). You wanting to go away to the sunshine without her as the first major holiday after you’ve spent this wonderful time together that you’re even trying for a baby just hits that spot that makes her feel a bit shit and abandoned (even if that’s not the case she may feel that way). I know that trying to conceive is a journey for both of you but in my experience there’s a lot more toll on the woman as it suddenly feels like it’s ‘up to her and her body’. You wanting to go live it up in the sunshine for a week among female friends who don’t have a care in the world right now (as far as your wife may see it) with their bikini-clad bodies on the beach might bring up a bit of insecurity.

She clearly doesn’t have an issue with travelling around a pandemic as you both did and are planning to soon, at the moment she may just feel emotionally attached because of ttc and after all this intense time together.

It may totally not be this at all, but it’s worth considering perhaps.