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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a 12 year age gap is just too big

44 replies

talulasmum · 20/10/2007 13:27

my sister is 42. she is going to marry a man of 30.

trying to be happy for her but have my doubts.

aibu

OP posts:
morningpaper · 20/10/2007 13:30

lol I thought you meant between siblings

There was 13 years between me and my first husband and 11 between me and my second husband

I don't have stats for third husband yet

I am the younger of the partnerships but an age gap doesn't matter - whether you can live with each other without driving each other up the wall is what's important!

RGPargy · 20/10/2007 13:31

YABU!!!

My DP and I have an age gap of 14 years. I'm 39 and he is 25. But it works. We dont see each other as an age. Expecting our first LO together next month and couldn't be happier.

belgo · 20/10/2007 13:34

age gap doesn't matter - 12 years isn't that much.

What's important is that they want the same future together.

belgo · 20/10/2007 13:34

RGPargy - that's lovely

purplelollypop · 20/10/2007 13:35

But what's he like. Does he make her happy? I know it can be difficult for people to accept a big age gap (DP is 17 years older than me) but I really don't see a reason why this alone is a problem. Try to get to know him and see past the age gap.

Nbg · 20/10/2007 13:36

Theres 10 years between myself and my dh. We've been together 8 years and married 4 with nearly 3 children.

If it works for them, why not?

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 20/10/2007 14:09

YABU imo if he loves her and he treats her well thats all matters

glitterchick · 20/10/2007 14:10

I don't think 12 years is too much.

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2007 14:12

If she's happy, then you can be happy for her Talulasmum. They are both adults, and if neither is being co-erced into this marriage, what is there to worry about?

BroccoliSpears · 20/10/2007 14:12

Thank goodness it's not 'too much' of an age gap - I wouldn't be here if my parents (15 years difference) had thought so!

LaDiDaDi · 20/10/2007 14:14

I'm trying to read between the lines a little bit here. Is your real underlying concern around issues of future children and your dsis's declining fertility levels?

Dp has a riend of 31 who is in a relationship with aan of about 43 who has two children in their early teens. Friend is sure that he doesn't want children, his partner did wonder if she would like more children but felt very much that they would either have to do it now or never and now just wasn't the right time. They plan to stay together and I think they will marry. They are very well suited and have worked this issue out betwen them. I think that you only have to assume that your sister is sensible enough to have adressed this issue, if you think it is an issue, and agreed a plan, just like she would have done with a partner of any age.

Lulumama · 20/10/2007 14:16

YABU, as she is an adult, as is he.. they must love each other, as they must know people are whispering about the age gap

FWIW< one of the happiest couples i know, have 10 years between them, and just had their 4th child, he is49, she is 39.

are their any reasons, other than the age gap, that you are worried about

quirkychick · 20/10/2007 14:31

Another age gap person here and very happy. DP is 14 years older than me, been together 6 years and have dd, nearly 2. Hoping to have more!

for RGPargy too.

What exactly are your doubts? Just age or is there more to it?

Saturn74 · 20/10/2007 14:33

As long as he makes her happy, why wouldn't you support your sister?

Original poster
talulasmum · 20/10/2007 14:34

agree age isnt always important, but when the women is that much older, im not sure.

maybe different if she was 62 and he was 50.

he might want children in 5 or 10 years time. my sister wont be able to have any then.

neither of them have been married before or have children.

OP posts:
sillydad · 20/10/2007 14:34

I was talking to a friend this morning about his relationship. He is 46 and his partner is just about to celebrate his 30th. They are off to Thailand to celebrate their 9th anniversary.

yes before you ask they are both male. They were the most unlikly couple you could imagine as my friend was firmly in the closet and his partner is the campest man you could ever meet. But its lasted because they love each other.

Lulumama · 20/10/2007 14:35

i'm sure they'll both have thought of that and discussed it.

NAB3 · 20/10/2007 14:36

Thought you meant regarding kids.

NOYB.

NomDeBroomstick · 20/10/2007 14:38

YABU

If they love each other and are on the same wavelength, then age ain't nothin but a number.

There's 13.5 years between DH and I, he is almost 39 and I'm 25. I can honestly say it makes zero difference to our relationship day-to-day. It just never occurs to either of us. Why should it ? We are best friends, we are at a similar intellectual level and fancy the pants off each other. Why should the age gap bother us ? Neither of our families have had anything negative to say on the subject either.

Like other posters have said, if they are happy, then you should be happy for them. Plenty of people marry partners of the same/similar ages and the marriage fails (my parents, DH and his first wife... I could go on). It is down to compatability, not age.

NomDeBroomstick · 20/10/2007 14:40

BTW, I also thought this was about kids/siblings. My response would've been the same (there is 10 years between DS1 & DD and they adore each other)....

Be happy for them, taluasmum

Elasticwoman · 20/10/2007 14:41

Could be they don't want to have children, Talulasmum. Parenthood is not for every one.

thelady · 20/10/2007 14:43

YABU: DH is 44, I'm 31. We've been together for 10 years, married for 8, and are (finally!!) expecting our first.

We got to know each other, fell in love, and then realised the age gap. It's not exactly the first thing you ask someone....

Grandparents are 25 years apart, aunt/uncle are 12 years apart - both marriages rock-solid after 30+ years together.

I think that shared experiences, the ability to communicate, and a willingness to work at a relationship are far far more important than an arbitrary age gap limit.

FWIW my mum was a bit shocked, as we got together when I was 21 and married when I was 23, but once she'd got the chance to know DH a bit better she came around completely.

quickdrawmcgraw · 20/10/2007 14:44

My sister just married someone 9 years her junior. I told dd how old he was and she said 'You mean she was 9 when he was born!!! That's like having to live with your annoying little brother your whole life!'

If your sister's happy then you should be happy for them.
YABU

Original poster
talulasmum · 20/10/2007 14:47

sorry everyone, should have made the thread a bit clearer.

(btw; dont think a 12 year age gap between sibligs is unreasonable. probably sensible.)

im not sure if they have discussed children,
but he might want them in the future? i know my sister has never wanted children.

30 is very young for a man and people change.

OP posts:
mylittlefreya · 20/10/2007 14:48

To be brutally honest, the chance of her conceiving even now is pretty small.

But I agree - I'm sure she will have thought about that. There are 12 years between me and DP and it works. There are things to work out or around, but it works.

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