Advice about Family vs Career

[aln24]

I'm not sure if this is really an AIBU but I feel it's appropriate!

I am 24 yrs old and in my final year of university. I have a part-time job in tesco. I have been working there for almost 4 years and I love my job.

I am due to graduate next year and the obvious next step would be to get a graduate job in my field. I study business so a lot of the opportunities available to me include a "graduate programme" which usually last for 2 years, and is a training contract with the company with the hope of getting employed on a permanent basis at the end of the programme.

I always thought that this is something that I wanted to do to get me into a good company and then have a good career with them.
However, my partner and I have recently been talking about starting a family. He is 27 next month and has said that he would like to have a child before he is older than 30, which I completely understand. We have been together for 4 years and have been living together for over 2 years.

If he wants a baby before he is 30 that only leaves us with 3 years from now. And if we wait until I'm graduated then we only really have just over 2 years. But if I am going to complete a graduate programme, I will not want to get pregnant while I'm doing that. I have always said that I want to be in a stable job and know that I'm secure before having a baby.

With us discussing it a lot recently, I have decided I would honestly be happy to have a child sooner than I originally thought, as long as we're okay financially.

But this has left me confused about what I want for my future, career wise.

Coming back to my job in tesco, yes, it is a part-time job to get me through uni and pay the bills, however, Tesco actually have lots of internal opportunities to progress up to management. I have always been aware of and interested in these opportunities. It is definitely somewhere that if you work hard you could do okay. The only thing putting me off this is that I will have worked for a degree, and I feel like I don't want that to have been for nothing if I could have progressed through Tesco with or without the degree.

So where my thoughts are now is that I would actually really like to get pregnant in a years time (I would be 25 by then). But, if I take on a 2 year grad programme, this will clash.

I wanted some advice about whether I should have a mindset of "career" and work hard to get a place on a grad programme, or should I be happy with the job that I currently have, know how to do and am pretty good at, and continue to work hard there and progress up that ladder and have a career there, and then get pregnant in a years time, as I can take maternity leave at tesco, and then come back from maternity and continue to work hard and progress up the career ladder, but it takes the pressure of time off me, as I won't be stuck in a 2 year grad contract or anything like that? Or is this "wasting" my degree?
Plus the maternity leave at tesco is REALLY good.

Do Tesco offer maternity leave benefits? I know Boots didn't for people in head office, not sure if they still do. Retail is cut throat and cut corners territory. If I were you I would be looking into getting a job in an industry which pays or part pays mat leave since you know you want children. You seem ambitious, I feel you will regret not pursuing your chosen career, or even having tried, for the sake of a year or two. Why does he have to have children before 30? He can honestly wait a year or two after. Tbh I feel you also need to ask yourself why you are happy to give up the idea of your own career for what seems to be a box ticking exercise on your boyfriends part.

Personally I would kick this down the road for a year rather than making any decisions right now. Graduate and look for a graduate position. Then re-assess. Not all graduate positions involve a 2-year programme. Even if yours does, you may be able to interrupt the two years with maternity leave and then return to complete the programme.

Continuing with your job at Tesco and not even looking for a graduate position would be a waste of your hard work and your degree IMO.

OP i know of a few friends who themselves or their partner wanted to get married/have a baby by 30. None of the relationships worked out. In my opinion life goals based on something arbitrary like age haven't been thought through with real maturity.

Personally i had a degree and a stable job before having children however i couldn't be bothered to progress because i was waiting for marriage and children. I thought that was going to be my real purpose. Now that i have those things i regret not progressing my career to the max before i settled down as i would earn more and be able to cut down my hours a bit to enjoy that family life.

I'm now frantically trying to gain extra qualifications and kicking myself for not doing it sooner so i could relax a bit now! Ultimately it's up to you but if i were you i would go for the graduate programme and delay the children. Also ask your partner what his childcare contribution is going to be in terms of going part time once the baby is here so you can continue to work.

I think you would be mad to decide that your new focus is having a child without at least giving yourself chances to broaden your horizons. It doesn't sound like you were planning to have a baby until your partner introduced some random timescale on it?

In your position I would apply for graduate training schemes and see how you feel at the end of one. If nothing else that will give you more qualifications, more experience and more of an idea about what you might want out of a career. I'm afraid I think that if you just finish your degree and carry on with your job at Tesco aiming to progress, that you'll fall pregnant, go on maternity leave without having progressed, and then be struggling to manage this after you return after maternity leave. It's very hard to progress with a small child even if your partner fully pulls his weight.

Which is a whole other question. He wants a child before he is 30. Is he intending to do half the childcare, take half the sick days, pay a fair share of the bills (based on income)? Have you had that conversation or are you both assuming. If he's not prepared to pull his weight, then you definitely shouldn't be having a baby right now (or possibly ever) and you definitely should be looking at the best way to make yourself financially independent.

Thanks for your response! 😊

They do, they offer 14 weeks at full pay, then next 14 at half pay and then 11 on SMP.

It's not that he HAS to have a child before 30, it's just always been a part of his "life plan", just like everyone has some sort of plan I suppose.
I suppose it is like a box ticking exercise but that's just what his plan has always kind of been.
He's not putting any pressure on me though, like he appreciates there's still things I want to do before getting pregnant.

That's the thing though, I'm not sure if I would really be putting my career on hold. If I choose to have a career in Tesco I feel I could take maternity leave at any time, come back and essentially pick up where I left off. Whereas if I choose to join a new/different company I will have to work there for at least 2 years before I would feel comfortable to take maternity leave.

I am an ambitious person and that's why I'm confused about what to do!! 🙈

You would be completely insane to not apply for a graduate position. Also why is your partner not limiting his career options, because obviously he’ll need to knock any silly notions about a career on the head once he has a baby?

My experience is that it is harder to climb the career ladder with a child than without. It’s not impossible - many women manage it - but it’s harder work. Simply because it’s harder to have two jobs than one, and you’re inevitably under more financial pressure - because childcare is very expensive.

Two years isn’t much when you’re in your mid twenties.

Even at 27, your DP could still be a dad by 30 or 31 if you cracked on with a scheme now and then set about TTCing. Parenting is much easier with a small savings cushion behind you.

I think it would be more realistic for DP to adjust his expectations by 1-2 years.

I assume you graduate summer 2021? So if you got a grad scheme starting in Autumn 2021, you would finish Autumn 2023 and DP would be nigh on 30. After this hopefully you get a stable, permanent position in the business you did the grad scheme - then its baby making time? Assuming no fertility issues, you could be pregnant and having child when partner is 31?

Sounds like you have your head screwed on with regards to careers and options. Maybe you could leverage your experience at Tesco and apply for their own graduate schemes? Certainly a good sell in interview stages that you have some awareness of the operations at the business, which combined with your degree, you think you could provide some different perspectives etc in management positions

Good luck with the rest of your degree!

It’s not impossible to climb the career ladder with a child but it’s easier without. I wish I had focused on it before children as childcare can be £££ if you don’t have family support.

I met my husband young and like you I was finishing uni with a pretty clear idea that this bloke was for keeps

BUT don't rush. In your position I'd

1. finish my degree
2. get through any grad training scheme (mine was a perm job from day one) have a look to see what grad / head office things Tesco has as well
3. get married

Then think about babies. He might want a kid by 30 but he doesn't need to have one then and should be able to see that you need to get yourself established first.

I think if a graduate scheme is something you want to do, I would strongly consider doing that before children. They tend to be full time only and it'll be easier to get by on a starting salary without childcare expenses. Two years isn't really that long to wait for kids as you're still quite young, but getting the graduate scheme done and dusted could make a big difference to your career. Also, if Tesco turns out to be right for you you can always go back to it.

Are you married OP?
If not then no I wouldn't have a baby to suit his "plan" because to put it bluntly if his "plan" isn't what he expected then he can/might piss off leaving you up shit creek with a baby and a part time job in Tesco and LITTLE TO NO hope of doing a graduate program! Having a baby by the age of 30 is a lovely idea...but that's all it is...an idea but not his choice unfortunately as it has NO BEARING whatsoever in his plan's after that...only yours!!

Do the graduate program...get a good career sorted and if he's any way good enough he will wait and marry you in the mean time!!

My life plan at 24 was to have a ring, a mortgage and babies by the time I was 30, albeit that was my plan, not my partners. I’m 30 next year and no way feel ready - I’m loving my career and progressing quickly and I’m in a great relationship where there’s no time pressure on anything so your outlook might change!

Figure your own life and career path out first. Don’t just choose Tesco because it’s an easy option as you’re there already and the mat leave is ok - challenge yourself.

I think your career is more important than whether or not your partner is a dad at 30 or 32/33. Especially if he plans to take 2 weeks paternity and then carry on merrily making the same money and progressing his own career.

However you may find part time at Tesco makes sense for you when your child is 1-3, as nursery is expensive and their opening hours mean you can work when you want to.

Do not give up the chance of a graduate career programme for the sake of TTC one year later!

What is your financial situation like OP? Do you rent or own your home? Do you have any savings? Can your DP afford to support you both during maternity leave or if you were to return to work part time after having your child?

While it is great that he has a life plan, I think that your personal goals also need to be prioritised or there will be regrets and resentment later. As PPs have said it is very hard to progress once you have a baby, unless you have a DP that is genuinely willing and able to share the load. Unfortunately despite some shifts in society it is still the woman who juggles the majority of work/ home/ children while the man just carries on with work so little changes for them. Think carefully.

Please don’t give up on what sounds like an exciting career path. It sounds like you have an amazing opportunity - you say you are an ambitious person so don’t give up on those ambitions!

OP as someone who did something similar as I was broody I would urge you not to do this for the sake of having a baby a year or two earlier. Your baby will benefit much more from a higher salary than your DP will becoming a parent before he is 30.

Do not ever rely on a man for money, security, and retirement. Even if he seems lovely before you have kids and comes vouched for by people you know the worst ones so often are.

Love from, someone much older.

Apply for a graduate position. Don’t you want to be in the best position possible for your child? Also that is good but not great may leave. A lot of big companies do 9 month full pay when you’re in a professional role.

It's not that he HAS to have a child before 30, it's just always been a part of his "life plan", just like everyone has some sort of plan I suppose.

And is part of YOUR life plan having a baby before the age of 26...?

Do NOT change your plans and ambitions for a bloke. Ever. Ever. Ever.

I agree with everyone else, , definitely get your career sorted first before even thinking about a baby, you've got loads of time.... you're not just having a baby though it turns into a child really quickly and then will invariably lead to you both wanting to give this child a sibling. All lovely in theory but its sooo hard then to climb the work ladder when juggling different demands of childcare/school/commuting/full time work etc. I wish it were different for women in 2020 but it's sadly not possible to have it all in my experience.

You need to ensure you are always able to look after yourself in case anything happens. My advise to young women is that the only person they can depend on is them.
Kick start your career, get married have a baby.
There is plenty of time.

@kittykat35

Are you married OP? If not then no I wouldn't have a baby to suit his "plan" because to put it bluntly if his "plan" isn't what he expected then he can/might piss off leaving you up shit creek with a baby and a part time job in Tesco and LITTLE TO NO hope of doing a graduate program! Having a baby by the age of 30 is a lovely idea...but that's all it is...an idea but not his choice unfortunately as it has NO BEARING whatsoever in his plan's after that...only yours!!

Do the graduate program...get a good career sorted and if he's any way good enough he will wait and marry you in the mean time!!

I love you.