Advice about Family vs Career

[aln24]

I'm not sure if this is really an AIBU but I feel it's appropriate!

I am 24 yrs old and in my final year of university. I have a part-time job in tesco. I have been working there for almost 4 years and I love my job.

I am due to graduate next year and the obvious next step would be to get a graduate job in my field. I study business so a lot of the opportunities available to me include a "graduate programme" which usually last for 2 years, and is a training contract with the company with the hope of getting employed on a permanent basis at the end of the programme.

I always thought that this is something that I wanted to do to get me into a good company and then have a good career with them.
However, my partner and I have recently been talking about starting a family. He is 27 next month and has said that he would like to have a child before he is older than 30, which I completely understand. We have been together for 4 years and have been living together for over 2 years.

If he wants a baby before he is 30 that only leaves us with 3 years from now. And if we wait until I'm graduated then we only really have just over 2 years. But if I am going to complete a graduate programme, I will not want to get pregnant while I'm doing that. I have always said that I want to be in a stable job and know that I'm secure before having a baby.

With us discussing it a lot recently, I have decided I would honestly be happy to have a child sooner than I originally thought, as long as we're okay financially.

But this has left me confused about what I want for my future, career wise.

Coming back to my job in tesco, yes, it is a part-time job to get me through uni and pay the bills, however, Tesco actually have lots of internal opportunities to progress up to management. I have always been aware of and interested in these opportunities. It is definitely somewhere that if you work hard you could do okay. The only thing putting me off this is that I will have worked for a degree, and I feel like I don't want that to have been for nothing if I could have progressed through Tesco with or without the degree.

So where my thoughts are now is that I would actually really like to get pregnant in a years time (I would be 25 by then). But, if I take on a 2 year grad programme, this will clash.

I wanted some advice about whether I should have a mindset of "career" and work hard to get a place on a grad programme, or should I be happy with the job that I currently have, know how to do and am pretty good at, and continue to work hard there and progress up that ladder and have a career there, and then get pregnant in a years time, as I can take maternity leave at tesco, and then come back from maternity and continue to work hard and progress up the career ladder, but it takes the pressure of time off me, as I won't be stuck in a 2 year grad contract or anything like that? Or is this "wasting" my degree?
Plus the maternity leave at tesco is REALLY good.

Please don’t throw your degree away. You would be giving up a lot more than you realise. Your potential is something that you can never get back.

I married young and while it worked out, I do wish I had pushed my career more before dc. It was too easy to step away from work while the kids were young as I didn’t love my job. I retrained after 10 years as a sahm for my dream job. It was so tough but so worthwhile. I should have done it years ago and tbh, I would struggle to give this up as easily, even for my dc. You should feel this strongly about your career, please don’t settle after working so hard for your degree. It won’t hurt to wait a couple of years.

I think your partner needs to think why 30 is such a big deal for him when it has massive consequences on your career and earning potential. He needs to compromise and be more realistic in his expectations. And I would strongly consider getting married either way. If you weren't married and working for Tesco part time, had a kid, and then he left you, he's left you with nothing and no career to fall back on. Do your graduate scheme and get married and then start thinking about kids.

OP I think you’d be crazy to give up on the idea of a graduate job for a baby with a man you’re not married to, all to meet his arbitrary timescale!

You’re still so young, take the time to get yourself settled in a graduate role before you think about having children. It’s so much harder to progress quickly once you have kids and harder to raise kids with less money than with more.

Plus I hate to say it but many relationships that are strong when you’re in your 20s end up failing before /around the age of 30 so definitely don’t put your own financial security at risk for a relationship.

You would be insane to have a child before establishing your marketability. You need to operate under the idea that tomorrow your partner could get killed in a car accident that is fault. This happened to my cousin, she had a stroke while driving and all of her life insurance went to the person she hit. Her husband was left to support 3 kids solo. The question you need to ask yourself is if you will be happy supporting your children solo and working at your current job keeping in mind that evening and weekend child care can be very hard to come by.

So many things...

Firstly neither of those paths is terrible if they are what YOU want. I'm not really hearing much of your needs being taken into consideration.

Secondly, those are not great maternity terms. Not the worst, but not generous for an organisation that size. Look around and find out more before you decide what you think.

I will limit myself to three points. So...
Thirdly, does his plan include putting his career on hold while he takes shared parental leave so you can go back to work? I think his plan is based on the idea that a person's job is secure by age 30 - so why does this only apply to him and not you?

Well, from my perspective, there is no sense in talking about "wasting" your school time. You either got something out of it, or you didn't. If you like working at Tesco, and the long term options there are good, that's worthwhile. I'd consider it seriously even without the issue of children.

As far as children, it's always a trade off for women IMO. You can wait and have them later, and interrupt a career. Or, you can have them sooner, and you will be in a position to start a career when they are in school - it's one of the advantages of having children a little younger that doing it that way becomes an option.

Sometimes having had children, your ideal career changes, and if you've already put a good deal of time into one thing you can feel stuck there, or it seems wasteful to start again from the bottom, or you can't afford to. For me, if you know you plan to have kids, I'd take that approach, especially as childbirth is generally easier physically when you are a little younger.

@goosefoot thank you for that, it's really appreciated to hear it from that perspective

Is he planning to propose or are you just expected to give up greater earning potential and the security of the legal rights that come with marriage?

I personally think @Goosefoot has given you irresponsible advice.

I think we need to know more about your partner’s opinions on things in life. I hope he isn’t seeking to hold you back. It sounds like to me he is - both of you working you can build on a decent life before kids. You have earning potential - you will be able to get childcare to continue your career - get yourself into a grad scheme.

After a couple of years of graduation your degree will look stale. I’m really frustrated at how the pressure is on you to live up to his plans. Put yourself first not a baby. Not his life plan. He’s not done your degree or worked as hard as you.

Also make sure you’re married too.

Don’t want to be left at Tesco in a lower paid role as a single mum. It happens.

You will be fine having kids later my Nan had 7 from the age of 20-40 she was fine for all of them.

The people I know who had children earlier did sometimes go on and have a career. But it was when their children were teenagers, not when they started school. My experience, and that of most of the working parents I know is that infants and early junior school is actually the hardest time to be working with children - childcare is a constant juggling act. So I'd disagree that it's a good time to start a career. Of course it's possible, but it's way more harder than it would be before children.

The maternity benefits you describe at Tesco are not that competitive once you start to compare to some of the places you might find yourself after a graduate scheme. I’m currently on mat leave, the women I know from similar business backgrounds are on 6-9 months full pay and then SMP. Most people take the full 52 weeks off and then burn annual leave before they go back.
I recognize that we are lucky, but my point is that if you peruse your ambition and improve your career prospects, you will have more paid ML and you shouldn’t get sidetracked by comparing Tesco with something less favourable.
Yes- it means waiting to have a child until you are in your thirties (possibly) - but financially it’s definitely easier. Babies are so expensive!
Your partner might also be fooling himself about how much work a baby is- or perhaps not. The reality is that, except in very rare circumstances, you are likely to be doing the majority of the work at the baby stage at the very least.

I really advise you to peruse your career dreams! Shoot for the moon! Your babies will come along in due course. Your DP hopefully will respect that you have things you want to achieve, that you want to develop yourself and your own prospects,and that children will be in the plan when you are both ready.

@GirlOnFireA there is absolutely no pressure on me to live up to his plans. I've already said he is not putting any pressure on and knows that I have things I want to do before kids.
Also he has worked incredibly hard to be where he is now and has an excellent job

Imagine you have a couple of kids according to his timeline, and then things don't work out between you. Statistically it's an even chance.

What position would you want to be in?

OP if he has an excellent job then why shouldn't you? As others have said if he changes his mind a couple of years in what will you do?

Also to me it sounds you have made up your mind in that your only positive response has been to the poster who told you to go for the baby at a younger age.

I would try to get on a graduate scheme as it will be easier to get your foot in the door now to your chosen profession then later. Realistically it could be the thing which got away. Having kids will be magical but it is possible to have both, you need to show yourself what your capable of- I know if I didn't I would regret it. Other reasons are:

1. Hopefully maternity pay is better (a lot of big companies offer 6 months full pay and a further three months half pay). 14 weeks is ok but not great.
2. Even if you don't want to wait two years to have a baby, you are likely to be entitled to maternity pay even if your programme hasn't ended. You will just might not get promoted at the same time as the graduates you start with if you are off for 9 months but that is better than not having even started in your chosen field
3. I did a graduate scheme (at a bank) and a lady in my intake did go off to have a baby after 6 months, came back and is still there after ten years and two kids.
4. It could take you a while to fall pregnant, time which you could be working in your chosen field. Definitely don't block off doors to have a baby one year earlier at only 24. You don't want to find it took 12 months to fall pregnant and then 9 months to have the baby and you have spent that time waiting around instead of moving forward with your career.

Good luck OP - also as others have said it's crazy to put an age stamp on when to have a baby: it should be when works best for both of you. Having a child by 30 shouldn't be a must if having it at 31 means you can have career and child! It is maybe when he has imagined having a child in the past but he needs to get past the age thing...

Also he has worked incredibly hard to be where he is now and has an excellent job

So why isn't he encouraging you to do the same?

If you're so "ambitious" and he's not applying pressure, why are you suddenly feeling "confused" and considering chucking all your plans and ambitions in the bin to please him?

Oh OP, I think you're going to go for it as you think he's a catch and are so in awe of him that you don't even realise you're about to make the mistake of your life.

This is the decision the rest of your life will pivot upon, and not how you think it will.

I appreciate all responses and all sides of the argument!! Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond ❤️

Do not TTC before progressing your graduate career! Tesco management is crap. My DH sold his soul to them and was so depressed and unhappy. It isn't a career path I would choose if I had another option.

I was similar to you, but graduated at 22. Did my 2.5 year grad programme, we bought our first house, got married, I got a post grad programme job, we moved to our next, potentially forever, home. I don't earn an insane amount but I earn very well for my age. I had my first baby in July and will be taking the full year off and then using a couple of months annual leave. I feel so privileged to be in this position. If we had TTC earlier there is no way I would be on this career path or as comfortable as we are. It also means I feel my DD has better financial security. I'm 28 which is still reasonably 'young' for a first in circles like min, and DH is 31.

Everything changes when you have a baby. If I decided to sack off my career and stay in my current job forever we could afford a second and a reasonably nice lifestyle. I wouldn't want the pressure of feeling I NEEDED to do better career wise for my family after having created it. Great if you want to, but different feeling pressured to.

Are his balls due to fall off on his 30th birthday? As others have said don't let your career aspirations take second place to his. Get your graduate training programme lined up and make him wait a couple of years while you achieve this basic goal. Taking time out to have babies is damaging enough to a woman's career without breaking it up and losing momentum to spare a partner's feelings. Don't worry about being "too old" until you're at least 35 (and even that's not too old really.)

@titchy he isn't not encouraging me. That's what I'm saying, he isn't putting any pressure on me, he knows there's things I want before having a child. He's very supportive of what I want. My point is I don't know what I want!

It does seem as if your mind is already made up! I agree with @LazJaz - you could get better maternity benefits elsewhere and then be able to enjoy more paid time off with your baby. Really can’t understand why you would consider rushing into this, you seem anxious to give him what he wants without thinking about what’s really best for you.