Advice about Family vs Career

[aln24]

I'm not sure if this is really an AIBU but I feel it's appropriate!

I am 24 yrs old and in my final year of university. I have a part-time job in tesco. I have been working there for almost 4 years and I love my job.

I am due to graduate next year and the obvious next step would be to get a graduate job in my field. I study business so a lot of the opportunities available to me include a "graduate programme" which usually last for 2 years, and is a training contract with the company with the hope of getting employed on a permanent basis at the end of the programme.

I always thought that this is something that I wanted to do to get me into a good company and then have a good career with them.
However, my partner and I have recently been talking about starting a family. He is 27 next month and has said that he would like to have a child before he is older than 30, which I completely understand. We have been together for 4 years and have been living together for over 2 years.

If he wants a baby before he is 30 that only leaves us with 3 years from now. And if we wait until I'm graduated then we only really have just over 2 years. But if I am going to complete a graduate programme, I will not want to get pregnant while I'm doing that. I have always said that I want to be in a stable job and know that I'm secure before having a baby.

With us discussing it a lot recently, I have decided I would honestly be happy to have a child sooner than I originally thought, as long as we're okay financially.

But this has left me confused about what I want for my future, career wise.

Coming back to my job in tesco, yes, it is a part-time job to get me through uni and pay the bills, however, Tesco actually have lots of internal opportunities to progress up to management. I have always been aware of and interested in these opportunities. It is definitely somewhere that if you work hard you could do okay. The only thing putting me off this is that I will have worked for a degree, and I feel like I don't want that to have been for nothing if I could have progressed through Tesco with or without the degree.

So where my thoughts are now is that I would actually really like to get pregnant in a years time (I would be 25 by then). But, if I take on a 2 year grad programme, this will clash.

I wanted some advice about whether I should have a mindset of "career" and work hard to get a place on a grad programme, or should I be happy with the job that I currently have, know how to do and am pretty good at, and continue to work hard there and progress up that ladder and have a career there, and then get pregnant in a years time, as I can take maternity leave at tesco, and then come back from maternity and continue to work hard and progress up the career ladder, but it takes the pressure of time off me, as I won't be stuck in a 2 year grad contract or anything like that? Or is this "wasting" my degree?
Plus the maternity leave at tesco is REALLY good.

Apply for graduate schemes, get some experience then ttc, you have plenty of time. It's much easier to get flexible working once you are established than to find a new job that gives you flexibility

@titchy he isn't not encouraging me. That's what I'm saying, he isn't putting any pressure on me, he knows there's things I want before having a child. He's very supportive of what I want. My point is I don't know what I want!

Then @aln24 with all due respect if you don't know what you want...you don't REALLY want a baby right now. Don't do it until YOU are 100% ready and willing because if you do you will resent it...and your dp. That's the harsh reality of it I'm afraid.

Be selfish, put your career and aspirations before his need for a child by 30. Also strongly consider getting married before you have children...protect yourself

It seems like you’re being tempted by the easy option of staying at Tesco and trying to progress. But would you regret it? I always look at life asking would I regret doing or not doing something. Would you regret getting a fantasy start to your career with a graduate scheme, unlikely. Would you regret staying at Tesco, quite possibly.

OP is he thr the love of your life? Are you married? Does he really want you to work after having children or does he want you to stay at home with the kids?

A friend of mine (male) had an ambition to have a child before he was 30 which always struck me as odd considering he wasn't capable of getting pregnant, carrying a child, giving birth or taking maternity leave (shared parental leave wasn't a thing then). Anyway his baby daughter was born a week after his 30th birthday. 2 years later his wife left, resentment had set in as she regretted putting her career on hold and making sacrifices so he could tick a goal of his bucket list.

I’d really do the graduate program and get a decent job first ! Then have the baby

Realistically would you ever go back and do it again in a few years ?? Would they even want you so many years after you finished the course?

Your partner can have a preference to have a child before 30 - but it’s not just his choice ! He can wait another few years.

If you don’t do this now you never will and you’ll be in Tesco part time for a long time and struggle to get out

I will have soon to be 3 children and I’m in my twenties so slightly hypocritical maybe, but I think you should try to get a graduate job first. You have worked so hard for your degree, get into your field & then go from there.
I get 6 months full pay, Tesco policy really isn’t that great in the grand scheme of things.
I just think to work so hard for a degree and not use it (plus all the debt etc that comes with it) is a little silly
I don’t have one but I’ve been working for an organisation for 10 years & have worked my way up the chain. I am a manager on a good wage with good flexibility, I’m not opposed to that at all if you wanted to do that at Tesco, it’s just you have got a degree so I say use it!

You sound very very young. Do the graduate scheme.

If he's not pressurising you why has he told you he'd like a child by the time he's 30. Men grow up feeling so entitled to have what they want. You've decided to do a degree and a 2 year graduate programme is the next step. You never know how this will go, my DD was fast tracked and got a management job after 12 months. It's really not all about him!

Like a lot of others have mentioned, don't put your career on hold just yet. If you've not married & things go south ( a baby can put a lot of pressure on relationships too) you'll have no security for you or your child.

My point is I don't know what I want!

If you don't know what you want you definitely shouldn't have a baby. Babies (in an ideal world) would only come along when they are wanted and planned for by both parents.

If you pick a career path, and it turns out to be wrong for you, then it's easy enough to change (especially in your 20s/30s). If you have a baby and it turns out to be the wrong decision, it's not so easy to send it back.

I think your career is more important than an arbitrary number he's set himself to have a child by. Nothing will change by the time he's 31 will it. But every year counts this early in your career.

And if he's asking you to put your career on hold to have his children then you need to be married.

As far as children, it's always a trade off for women IMO. You can wait and have them later, and interrupt a career. Or, you can have them sooner, and you will be in a position to start a career when they are in school - it's one of the advantages of having children a little younger that doing it that way becomes an option.*

@Goosefoot, this child is going to have two parents. Maybe part of the discussion should be what the dp intends to do to fit his career round being a father?

@RedskyAtnight yes I appreciate what you're saying but it's not like I'd be having the baby now. By the time I would actually be getting pregnant OF COURSE it would be wanted and planned, I'm not an idiot. That's why I'm asking these questions now so that I can figure out what I want and then make that happen

He is 27 next month and has said that he would like to have a child before he is older than 30, which I completely understand

But why? You say he has an excellent job, which sounds like he might have passed the early years hard work learning a new career, which could mean he's in a position to take a step back and go part time so he can be the primary carer and juggle work with parental leave, nursery drop offs, doing most of the housework and cooking at home, being first on call for sick days etc.

While you are about to start a graduate job and it would be very hard to juggle this with being the primary carer for a baby (or two?) so why not suggest this to him?

Either you wait for a baby until you have been in a graduate job for a few years or if you have one earlier, he takes a good chunk of parental leave and goes part time so you don't end up in a position where you're doing long hours in a stressful job and rushing around to get to nursery, night wakings etc etc?

If he's not interested in any of that, he's not that interested in being a parent is he?

But on the matter of Tesco's maternity pay being REALLY good, if its 'they offer 14 weeks at full pay, then next 14 at half pay and then 11 on SMP' then its really not. Many places do six months full pay, plus 3 months on SMP/half pay plus due to accumulation of annual leave entitlement, you can have 10-11 months off without losing any money.

It's great he's got a good job and has progressed his career. That means he'll be in an excellent position to take shared parental leave and go part-time, or even take a couple of years off, when the baby comes...

OP, Tesco is really cut-throat off the shop floor (maybe even on it). If you do want to stay working for them and progress your career too, then your degree absolutely won't be wasted. They also have a grad scheme too...

I think before you you have your first baby there tends to be an assumption that you make that “people manage somehow” or “it will be a jiggle but woman manage it”. The truth is that babies are hard - wonderful but hard. The more support, savings & earning power you can accrue first, the better.

I’m a graduate careers adviser in my job, and in that role I have to support clients to come to their own decisions about this sort of dilemma rather than give my own opinions but this is mumsnet so this is opinion all the way!

1. you can’t control conception, it could take you five years to get pregnant, would you be happy working in Tesco without progressing whilst you wait to get pregnant?

2. you don’t know how you will feel when you have the baby about going back to work full time and full tilt - it’s tough to balance everything, childcare costs a fortune, and you or DH have to pick up your child at nursery closing time - which if all the other people going for the same promotion as you is challenging. Will you be well paid enough to have a nanny?

3. what if the relationship breaks down before you progress up the ladder? Earning potential will be much higher if you apply for a graduate role in retail.

4. Flexibility and a wider and more strategic skill set are likely outcomes of the graduate scheme - these attributes are likely to be of benefit throughout your 50 ish years of working. Even if later on you decide that retail management is the direction you want to take, having built a network amongst central functions and having an understanding of the bigger picture into which your store fits will enhance your ability to manage a store effectively - but you also open up possibilities of other roles (HR, or finance, or marketing, or logistics (high growth area), or technology or whatever) that are unlikely if you stay in a shop floor role.

5. what parental leave does your partner get? Remember the impact isn’t on your career alone unless you both want it to be. What career choices will your partner need to make in his career?

6)The economy is going to be shaky for a while, evidence shows that flexibility and openness are key to navigating through challenging job markets - being really aware of your skill set and actively growing your expertise. Don’t close off too many opens at this stage.

8)go and see a careers adviser at your university

Hope that helps!

I would get on the career ladder at Tesco and then go on maternity leave. Your partner's plan to have a kid before he is 30 is his plan. Not yours. You are ambitious and if you put your plans on hold for someone else you may end up regretting it. And then if the relationship doesn't work you'll be at a disadvantage in terms of where you are with your career and salary level.

You are still very young and doing all the right things to build a successful career - I strongly suggest you finish your degree, join the Tesco programme, and then either move sideways to another company you like, that has good mat leave, or stay with Tesco. Only then I would suggest you think about having a baby. Because having babies is hard and you may find that going back to work (PT or FT) may not be an easy option and then you're stuck with a CV that's weaker than others in your age group.

So get your CV to a strong point, and then think about a family. Just because your partner's plan is to have kids within three years that doesn't mean it has to be your plan too. You can still have kids together, just at a time that works for you both.

Also not to put another downer on the whole thing - but you are leaving yourself so vulnerable if you do this - what if you break up? He wants nothing to do with The baby - you gave up your career - can’t even afford to work part time at Tesco because childcare costs?

I’m sorry but it’s a ridiculous idea to have went back to study all that time and then just pack it all in

I know what it’s like out there in the working world these days - and it’s so hard to get back into a career after a break - and you’d be taking a break before it even started

I really think at 27 - waiting 4 more years to have a baby is not very long tbh! Sort your shit out, finish uni, save up some money pre baby, get a job somewhere with better maternity leave - as others said the 14 weeks full pay is not amazing - I get 6 months full pay 3 months half pay for example.

Just remember - once you have the baby - it becomes very hard to save for big things like your house if you haven’t already done that - you have to factor in childcare costs!

Do you like to travel/holidays? When you are paying childcare with current job will you be able to still afford those things?

Have you discussed with your partner how it will work when the baby is here - is he going to do his share of drop off and pick ups, getting up at night with the baby?

For example - husband and I both condensed our work weeks into 4 days each so we are both home a day each with baby - I do drop off at childcare at 8am each day - he finishes at 5 so he can get there for 6 to pick up! We tag team getting up at night/early in the morning

Is your partner going to do this or his his career more important than yours ?

These are all things you need to know in advance and have planned - you need to be talking about this and have a proper plan in place tbh instead of just thinking - oh maybe we will just have a baby and thinking it will all work itself out

A little different to you op but I had my first child at 22 before going down the university route. I kept my cushy supermarket job as it fit so easily around having a family, I didn’t progress as to do that I needed to commit to being so much more flexible than I could with a partner who had unpredictable hours and a young child. I am now 36, still working that same supermarket job with hours that fit around my kids. The jobs ok, I leave it all mentally at the door on my way out and don’t have to think about it again until I’m back in work, it fits so easily around school but it doesn’t pay well and I am now at uni studying towards the career I always wanted. I can see both sides but having lived the one where you stay in the supermarket I would always say career first

My biggest regret is not training in the career I wanted to be in before I had children.

I had my children at the right point in my life, I just wish I had done the training first.

Now I'm stuck in a crappy paid job in the industry I want to work in, but at entry level. I will be here for many years to come as I don't want to work full time during the day with small children.

OP I’m not sure why you have posted here as you aren’t really listening...you have only responded positively to the one poster who said you should go for it. The women on this thread have valuable advice having more life experience than you.

I think you would be mad to stay at Tesco and have a baby now. It’s so much easier to progress your career before children. I now have a senior position that is massively flexible which helps me fit around my 5 and 8 year olds. I “waited” till 29 and my career was in a good position at a great company. Still at that great company and have been promoted twice since having kids, but I did the legwork to get that position at the great company pre kids.

@BarbaraofSeville

He is 27 next month and has said that he would like to have a child before he is older than 30, which I completely understand

But why? You say he has an excellent job, which sounds like he might have passed the early years hard work learning a new career, which could mean he's in a position to take a step back and go part time so he can be the primary carer and juggle work with parental leave, nursery drop offs, doing most of the housework and cooking at home, being first on call for sick days etc.

While you are about to start a graduate job and it would be very hard to juggle this with being the primary carer for a baby (or two?) so why not suggest this to him?

Either you wait for a baby until you have been in a graduate job for a few years or if you have one earlier, he takes a good chunk of parental leave and goes part time so you don't end up in a position where you're doing long hours in a stressful job and rushing around to get to nursery, night wakings etc etc?

If he's not interested in any of that, he's not that interested in being a parent is he?

But on the matter of Tesco's maternity pay being REALLY good, if its 'they offer 14 weeks at full pay, then next 14 at half pay and then 11 on SMP' then its really not. Many places do six months full pay, plus 3 months on SMP/half pay plus due to accumulation of annual leave entitlement, you can have 10-11 months off without losing any money.

This. All of this. If he wants it, what are his plans for making it possible? Are you going to be a team?