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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Oops... accidentally got someone banned from Bumble!

78 replies

Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 11:42

I recently joined Bumble again and starting chatting with a guy. He seemed friendly, 'normal' and we had a lot of quite unusual interests in common.

He asked me what I was looking for, (hate that question!). I gave some non committal reply about would like a relationship rather than casual sex but I'm not desperate to jump in and get attached with just anyone. He said he was looking for the same. All good.

After a while he suddenly said (completely out of the blue) that he bet he could guess my bra size. I was a bit taken aback but thought it might be an attempt at humour so I played along (didn't give away whether he was right or not). I changed the subject and again he brought it back to sex saying he had a 'huge dick'. I got turned off but took the piss a bit first. 'Do you mean have or are a huge dick?' 'Are you SURE it's big? But how do you KNOW? How many real life dicks have you compared yours with in person, dick to dick?' I was getting bored, tried again to change the subject one last time but he again brought it back to sex (how horny he is in lockdown) so I said I think we're looking for different things and wished him luck.

I unmatched with him, and they give you a little pop up with some radio buttons as to why. I put 'not interested' and added something like, 'he's looking for casual sex and that's not what I'm looking for'. Didn't think any more of it.

Until Bumble sent me a message saying they're sorry I 'had this experience' and that they've removed him from the app for violating terms!

I can only assume they read our exchange and could see I was not encouraging it and he kept pushing. It didn't bother me though and I didn't feel harassed or anything. There's an option on your profile to say you're looking for casual, so I don't think looking for a hook up is against their terms. I don't judge him for it, it's just not for me so I unmatched him.

Feel a bit bad and a bit surprised at Bumble being rather heavy handed imo. I've had far worse on other sites over the years

AIBU to feel a bit guilty?

OP posts:

iklboogeymum · 30/11/2020 11:44

Don't feel guilty. You made your feelings clear more than once and he kept pushing it / bringing it back to sex. That's harassment. He'd probably have done it to others.

JohnLapsleyParlabane · 30/11/2020 11:44

Don't need to feel guilty. Protecting other women from unwanted sexual advances is a good thing. You may have been ok with it, others may not have been.

Thisismylife1 · 30/11/2020 11:46

Let’s hope they aren’t reading your chat! I would expect that’s in violation of terms.

I suspect they’ve had multiple complaints about the individual.

There are plenty of other more appropriate sites for him to find casual sex on.

KnitsAndGiggles · 30/11/2020 11:50

You're not responsible for the action they took - like someone else said maybe they had multiple reports like that from other women

Original poster

Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 11:51

@Thisismylife1

Let’s hope they aren’t reading your chat! I would expect that’s in violation of terms.

I suspect they’ve had multiple complaints about the individual.

There are plenty of other more appropriate sites for him to find casual sex on.

I'm sure they probably have a provision for monitoring chats on their own app for safety?

Agreed there's plenty of other sites he can go on, and maybe has been reported before.

I was just surprised because there is a 'block and report' option, which I didn't use!

OP posts:

PrincessNutNut · 30/11/2020 11:52

Pretty sure this is exactly why Bumble exists; so that women have a bit more control and there's more lookout for this kind of shite.

Bells3032 · 30/11/2020 11:55

I doubt they banned him on the basis of one person anyway so reckon he'd had a few reports.

As for should you feel guilty...NO. If a woman says she's not interested in sexual chat you shouldn't pursue it. Imagine if people acted that way offline? Prevent some other poor woman having to come across him.

If you want sex chat go to a sex chat room

Original poster

Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 12:02

@Bells3032

I doubt they banned him on the basis of one person anyway so reckon he'd had a few reports.

If you want sex chat go to a sex chat room

I did actually say that to him as part of taking the piss before I wound the conversation down. 'if we'd met in a bar or on a train and started chatting would you be coming out with this shit?'

It's grim and I'm not excusing it, but I bet he had no idea he was violating any T&Cs. If he was.

@PrincessNutNut that's a really good point that I didn't think of. The whole point of Bumble is that the woman messages first to prevent stuff like this. Tbh though if I'd known it was gonna go into a 'reported' pile to be dealt with and end up with him being removed I'm not sure I would have done it.

OP posts:

PrincessNutNut · 30/11/2020 12:05

Tbh though if I'd known it was gonna go into a 'reported' pile to be dealt with and end up with him being removed I'm not sure I would have done it.

Why not?

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 30/11/2020 12:05

Good - he should have been banned. His questions were entirely inappropriate, and it doesn't matter if you have seen worse on other sites.

It might have sounded to him as if you were flirting, with your responses - personally I would have been more direct.

diddl · 30/11/2020 12:10

Why would you feel guilty?

Why would you care that some stranger has been banned for "violating terms" of a dating site?

Original poster

Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 12:13

Because I don't think he did anything wrong, apart from push his luck. At no point did I feel uncomfortable, I knew it wasn't going anywhere so I poked a bit of fun at him first knowing I would unmatch him and we could both go on looking for what we wanted.

I don't think there's anything wrong with using Bumble for no strings sex. There's certainly nowhere that I've seen that says you're not allowed to.

I only felt a little bit guilty mind, just wondered what others thought.

OP posts:

diddl · 30/11/2020 12:16

Well I guess others thought that he was wrong to be using the site for casual sex?

SoupDragon · 30/11/2020 12:19

Why did you engage in "banter" with him instead of saying that you weren't interested in sex chat?

PrincessNutNut · 30/11/2020 12:19

Because I don't think he did anything wrong, apart from push his luck. At no point did I feel uncomfortable.

I think some women would, though, and it's really not on to keep sex talking a woman who's made it clear she's not up for it. As a PP said, you may not be the only one to have said something about it.

jillandhersprite · 30/11/2020 12:21

You are overthinking this.
Yes he pushed his luck and I'm glad that bumble unlike most other sites are happy to deal with it...
More people should learn that 'pushing their luck' i.e. ignoring what the other person is saying is unacceptable

diddl · 30/11/2020 12:21

Well if chat can be monitored it was perhaps the I can guess your bra size & have a huge dick" that did it?

RightYesButNo · 30/11/2020 12:24

I’m surprised you feel even a little guilty. It’s not that he’s looking for casual sex. It’s that you said YOU weren’t. Then he brought it around to something sexual THREE separate times when you tried to change the subject. I assume maybe they don’t allow unsolicited pics from the male to the female on Bumble in a first conversation, which may be the only reason he didn’t send you a dick pic, because he definitely sounds like the type otherwise. You clearly laid out your boundaries, he agreed with them, and then immediately tried to push you - don’t feel any guilt at all (he didn’t), and it’s why I imagine there were several other complaints about him.

Original poster

Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 12:27

@SoupDragon

Why did you engage in "banter" with him instead of saying that you weren't interested in sex chat?

Probably because I knew I was about to unmatch him so was winding him up a bit.

Thinking about it, that may be why I feel guilty. I didn't flat out tell him to stop, just ribbed him, took the piss (but did not join in or flirt or encourage it), and the poor sod got banned. If I'd flat out said can you stop with the sex talk it's not my thing, and he'd carried on, I wouldn't feel bad.

OP posts:

Chocolate1984 · 30/11/2020 12:27

He got himself banned. You are not responsible for his behaviour.

mummytonicekidz · 30/11/2020 12:31

It's likely he has been warned before about his behaviour.

PixelatedLunchbox · 30/11/2020 12:38

Great article right here on how they determine who to ban!

www.elitedaily.com/p/how-to-get-someone-banned-from-bumble-according-to-a-bumble-exec-2775757

runningthrougharedlight · 30/11/2020 12:39

Good for you! Don’t feel guilty in the slightest, you said how you felt, he kept pushing. Women messaging first does not protect them from encountering arseholes. I’m not a fan of bumble, I don’t buy into the empowering women element.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 30/11/2020 12:39

Be pleased, he sounds like a creep

VladmirsPoutine · 30/11/2020 12:41

Don't feel guilty. Honestly men get away with a lot of this nonsense as women have been conditioned to humour them along, not take it personally etc etc. Hopefully he'll conduct himself with a modicum of maturity should he ever use dating apps again.

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