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AIBU?

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Original poster

Oops... accidentally got someone banned from Bumble!

78 replies

Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 11:42

I recently joined Bumble again and starting chatting with a guy. He seemed friendly, 'normal' and we had a lot of quite unusual interests in common.

He asked me what I was looking for, (hate that question!). I gave some non committal reply about would like a relationship rather than casual sex but I'm not desperate to jump in and get attached with just anyone. He said he was looking for the same. All good.

After a while he suddenly said (completely out of the blue) that he bet he could guess my bra size. I was a bit taken aback but thought it might be an attempt at humour so I played along (didn't give away whether he was right or not). I changed the subject and again he brought it back to sex Hmm saying he had a 'huge dick'. I got turned off but took the piss a bit first. 'Do you mean have or are a huge dick?' 'Are you SURE it's big? But how do you KNOW? How many real life dicks have you compared yours with in person, dick to dick?' I was getting bored, tried again to change the subject one last time but he again brought it back to sex (how horny he is in lockdown) so I said I think we're looking for different things and wished him luck.

I unmatched with him, and they give you a little pop up with some radio buttons as to why. I put 'not interested' and added something like, 'he's looking for casual sex and that's not what I'm looking for'. Didn't think any more of it.

Until Bumble sent me a message saying they're sorry I 'had this experience' and that they've removed him from the app for violating terms! Shock

I can only assume they read our exchange and could see I was not encouraging it and he kept pushing. It didn't bother me though and I didn't feel harassed or anything. There's an option on your profile to say you're looking for casual, so I don't think looking for a hook up is against their terms. I don't judge him for it, it's just not for me so I unmatched him.

Feel a bit bad and a bit surprised at Bumble being rather heavy handed imo. I've had far worse on other sites over the years Grin

AIBU to feel a bit guilty? Confused

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 30/11/2020 13:28

It sounds like OLD has eroded your boundaries. You really have nothing to feel guilty about and tbh you might want to spend some time reflecting on why you do.

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 13:30

@lostintheday

I know right! I hadn't even really been in conversation with him, he had said Hi, I had replied, Hi, How are things with you? And that was it. If he can't cope with what he imagined was rejection from someone he has never met nor had a conversation with, imagine what sort of crazy he would unleash on a real women he had met who rejected him. And even after the black and blue comment he still wanted me to meet him for a date! He was deranged!
And even after the black and blue comment he still wanted me to meet him for a date! He was deranged!

I am ... agog. The level of crazy is just... Shock

People 'telling me off' for ribbing him. It was late, I was bored, and rightly or wrongly, women that bristle at these 'advances' get labelled by these creeps as 'uptight' as if it's our fault. By teasing him he didn't get a thing he wanted, certainly no wank bank material, and I didn't indulge him. There are other options instead of 'throw a strop and block' (their interpretation) or go along with it to be 'nice'.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 13:33

@ThanksItHasPockets

It sounds like OLD has eroded your boundaries. You really have nothing to feel guilty about and tbh you might want to spend some time reflecting on why you do.
I let more things slide than I would in person, but don't let it progress iyswim. So if a man came up to me in a bar and suggested he guess my bra size he might leave with a drink in his face or a black eye but you can't do that online. I don't see much difference between them and keyboard warriors though. Just because you know they're keyboard warriors and a bit sad and let it wash over you, doesn't mean you've lost your boundaries.
OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 30/11/2020 13:37

It's grim and I'm not excusing it, but I bet he had no idea he was violating any T&Cs. If he was.

I beg to differ, I bet he clearly knew he was violating T,&C's by trying his luck. What a creep bleurgh.

Absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty.

Palavah · 30/11/2020 13:40

next time, don't feed the algorithm. I know it's fun to wind them up but but the app will feed you people it thinks you want to interact with. It will work this out based on who you've interacted with in the past. So if you don't want someone with a cat, don't chat to cat people. If you don't want people who talk about bra size, don't engage in conversation with people who talk about bra size.

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/11/2020 13:47

I let more things slide than I would in person, but don't let it progress iyswim.

And that's grand for you, but the whole point of Bumble is that it is supposed to be a service where women don't have to put up with this shit and in getting this man banned you've done nothing more than protect other women. On some level you have internalised the idea that this man should be able to harass you and that's why you feel a bit guilty.

crackofdoom · 30/11/2020 13:54

Once I told a Tinder perv I was delighted he had a big dick because I myself have a HUGE vagina like an enormous roomy wet bag of ham. He disappeared pretty sharpish...

I love this and will definitely steal it Grin

This makes me love Bumble just that little bit more.

But regarding the language being OK for a hookup site......I'm ON a hookup/ swingers site, and if somebody messaged me that I'd definitely block and delete. I mean, what kind of finesse would somebody have in the sack if they were getting all clammy over your bra size, like a bloody teenager? Hmm. I never normally engage in sex talk with anyone until I've met them in the flesh.

stschiap · 30/11/2020 13:54

Good. He got banned. He sounds like a total creep and deserves it.
I would imagine other women had complained about him. I would have complained about him if he'd been talking to me like that when I'd made it clear I wasn't interested.
But I have little to no patience these days for men and their massive, golden pricks.

lostintheday · 30/11/2020 13:58

People 'telling me off' for ribbing him

I actually thought your responses were funny. And your ' you HAVE a big dick or you ARE a big dick' comment really shouldn't have left him in any doubt as to what you thought of him! .

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 13:58

@ThanksItHasPockets

I let more things slide than I would in person, but don't let it progress iyswim.

And that's grand for you, but the whole point of Bumble is that it is supposed to be a service where women don't have to put up with this shit and in getting this man banned you've done nothing more than protect other women. On some level you have internalised the idea that this man should be able to harass you and that's why you feel a bit guilty.

No.

I didn't realise that Bumble was quite so 'women are the ones in control' -centric. I applaud the fact that it is.

You don't need to try and make a stranger feel bad for just rolling their eyes rather than 'omg teacher teacher!' There are so many instances of people being called 'Karens' or 'dramatic' or 'uptight' or whatever, why can't I just wind them up and watch them go once in a while for my own amusement?

People are also allowed to want casual sex (even in a pandemic... ugh) and I certainly didn't have a problem with it, as long as that coronavirus dick was kept away from me Grin

OP posts:
ThanksItHasPockets · 30/11/2020 14:03

I'm not here to make you feel bad, OP! You can say what you like to whom you like, but not within a space that is designed to make women who prefer not to see that content feel safer.

I don't really understand that point of your thread tbh. From your updates your biggest issue seems to be that you don't want to be thought of as an uptight grass and I think that's something that you need to unpick.

crackofdoom · 30/11/2020 14:03

It's OK to want casual sex, but it's not OK to ignore being told to stop. And there are many ways to get a woman interested in having casual sex with you, but this bloke was not employing any of them, I'd say.

FrancoBranco · 30/11/2020 14:04

Is this an advert for Bumble? Them immediately banning men who send inappropriate sexual messages to women is wonderful. I quit online dating a few years ago after it made me truly hate men. People say you need to sift through all the shit to find a diamond, but I don't want to sift through shit. It's demeaning, I'd rather be alone.

Sherin18 · 30/11/2020 14:04

I think it’s a good thing, you may have not been uncomfortable but a lot of other women would be

AryaStarkWolf · 30/11/2020 14:08

All you did was tell the truth, don't feel guilty

Original poster
Sparklfairy · 30/11/2020 14:18

@crackofdoom

It's OK to want casual sex, but it's not OK to ignore being told to stop. And there are many ways to get a woman interested in having casual sex with you, but this bloke was not employing any of them, I'd say.
It's also 'ok' to want to use a women orientated forum with a reputation of being 'vipers' to find out why I thought this was ok?

It's not about being thought of as a 'grass' (I'm not in old skool brookside ffs) @ThanksItHasPockets, it's more than people are allowed to cross paths and decide they're not looking for the same thing without penalty.

Possibly I am 'immune' to this shit but equally I shouldn't be ridiculed on an empowering site for women because of it. Surely any method to make it 'water off a ducks back' is ok.

OP posts:
AdventureCode · 30/11/2020 14:30

It does seem heavy handed, I'd be surprised too. They must have had other complaints about him where he perhaps went further.

user1825894133270 · 30/11/2020 14:36

I don't see anybody ridiculing you. Just some curiosity over why you feel guilt that someone faced the known consequences for their own behavioural choices.

Regularsizedrudy · 30/11/2020 14:38

Yon didn’t get him banned he got himself banned. You’ve nothing to feel guilty of. He was probably doing it to loads of women and they had other reports.

IndieTara · 30/11/2020 14:43

I've tried more than once to get various men banned on Bumble for worse than that but never received an email for message afterwards

butterpuffed · 30/11/2020 14:44

From your title on this thread and your comments, you found what happened amusing . I'm unsure as to why you think everyone else would do as well, we all have different opinions.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 30/11/2020 14:47

You didnt feel uncomfortably but some women would, which is why when you say "I'm not looking for casual sex or sex chat" then men should listen. If there what they want then its fine for them to say "I dont think we're compatible" and go talk to someone else. It is not fine for them to keep trying to talk about sex.
No means no, in real life and online. If the man doesnt understand that then he should he removed.

There is nothing wrong with looking for casual sex or sex chat, if all parties agree. But once someone says no then that's the end of it. He didnt listen and they dont want him on their platform.

BoyTree · 30/11/2020 14:49

It's grim and I'm not excusing it, but I bet he had no idea he was violating any T&Cs.

Bumble or not, it's kind of violating the Ts and Cs of flirting/dating conversation to keep bringing up your dick to someone who has made it clear that they don't want to talk about it by changing the subject. It's also quite intense to bring up sex three times in a first conversation with someone who has said that they aren't looking for a purely physical relationship - it shows a lack of awareness of appropriate behaviour and a willingness to try and trample others' boundaries. While I completely understand that you personally may feel this was 'run-of-the-mill' banter, I agree with Bumble's stance that this kind of thing is best stamped out asap on a platform that centres women.

AlternativePerspective · 30/11/2020 14:57

I bet he had no idea he was violating any T&Cs Well he does now doesn’t he?

And seriously what is it with these men who think that women they have never met and barely know want to talk about their dicks? It’s hardly surprising that any of them are single.

GenevaL · 30/11/2020 15:03

No, he sounds like a thirsty dickhead.