To end this friendship - but HOW?!

[Woofbloodywoof]

I have been friends with this woman for twenty years but, as so often happens, in that twenty years, we have both changed quite a bit and our paths diverged. Not a problem as for a few years we didn’t see much of each other and lived in different parts of the country.

She now lives ten minutes away and regularly sends me messages for coffees (when they could happen) and dog walks. I always end up saying yes and being all light and breezy while dying inside.

The thing is, I really don’t like her anymore. I find her utterly materialistic, self obsessed, she makes sweeping pronouncements that women with children lose themselves/their looks/their husbands, definitely never wants kids etc. It leaves me feeling a bit ‘eh?!’ I am dreading keeping our arrangement for later today, it’s literally making me a feel a bit ill.

I just feel like it would be a shitty thing to tell her the truth and I’ve not had an excuse to avoid seeing her this year because it’s not as if we’ve all had raving social lives. How do I end this friendship? I really don’t want to ghost her because that seems so mean and childish but this can’t go on.

Those of you who have extricated themselves how did you do it without hurting someone’s feelings? Thank you.

I would tell her you are unable to meet today but don't go into any details. Maybe just a 'sorry, can't make today' breezy message. This will buy you time to decide the best approach for the long term.

I think as she isn't a close friend anyway, and If you don't want the emotional and mental stress over it I would just be less available and more distant. You can still be polite and friendly but not get into a friendship with her.
Unless you never want anything to do with her then tell her the truth.

I don't think there is a way to do it without hurting someone's feelings. You either tell the truth or you have excuses when she asks like being busy/working/sick. Not nice but it's the way it is

Do you ever actually challenge what she says? I'm just interested.
So if she says "women with kids are boring" or whatever how do you react?

Charleyhorses that’s a good question. No I don’t think I do enough. She’s so overbearing and I hate confrontation. There’s a weird power play going on as well. She’s only a few months older than I am but has always assumed the role of being top dog. Stuff like that has never bothered me and in some ways I felt a bit sorry for her for a while because I could see she wasn’t happy in her personal life and figured she was overcompensating in other areas. She can be very kind and thoughtful as well - otherwise why would I stay around I suppose.
But no I probably don’t challenge her enough or take enough control of conversations. I just don’t want a friendship that requires that level of premeditation I guess.

I would just never be available. that's what I did to someone I no longer wanted to be around.

Be less available. Challenge her when you strongly disagree, she doesn't seem to care about hurting your feelings so why protect hers?

Just challenge her - when she says something about mother's, just say, are you directing that at me!! Or I always feel that people without kids are very selfish and self centred ... I'd opt for the former though as otherwise you'll be doing a 'her'

@Woofbloodywoof

Charleyhorses that’s a good question. No I don’t think I do enough. She’s so overbearing and I hate confrontation. There’s a weird power play going on as well. She’s only a few months older than I am but has always assumed the role of being top dog. Stuff like that has never bothered me and in some ways I felt a bit sorry for her for a while because I could see she wasn’t happy in her personal life and figured she was overcompensating in other areas. She can be very kind and thoughtful as well - otherwise why would I stay around I suppose. But no I probably don’t challenge her enough or take enough control of conversations. I just don’t want a friendship that requires that level of premeditation I guess.

Disagreeing with someone doesn't have to be confrontational. Youre not having a row

I'd just keep refusing the invitations and let the friendship peter out. Friendships don't need to be officially ended.

I don't think you need any huge drama. Just refuse invitations until she stops making them.

Also, you're worried about hurting her feelings but she's not worried about hurting yours if your first post is anything to go by.

My friend like this dropped me when I started challenging her.
That wasn't my intention, I just didn't develop my assertiveness muscle till my mid twenties.
But she couldn't take the change in dynamic and dropped me.
I realised after that it was more relaxing with other friends and I didn't really miss her.
So all for the best.

Do you have the things she wants? Partner? Children? Job you like?
She might be vocalising those things so strongly to try to make you feel like you’re the one losing out, not her. Both my mum and I have walked away from friends that have gotten so bitter in their lives that the friendship has turned toxic, because we’re on different pages, so I can totally relate to what you’re saying about feeling stressed about meeting up with someone like that. It’s like an endurance test.
I agree with the others about being less available to her. If you want to speed up the end of the relationship, maybe you could also simply voice your opinion in opposition to her, when you do meet, showing her that she’s not influencing the way you think and that you’re very different people. She may naturally back off then and if she doesn’t, avoiding contact is a good idea.
Also, you could say you’re social distancing before Christmas to minimise the risk to the Christmas bubble you’re forming and everyone in your bubble is doing the same. It’s a realistic reason to minimise contact.

As above .Just say you are sorry but you are busy with Christmas, worried about Covid ,anything you like really.I had a similar situation with a friend who I quite liked but who knew another lady I really dislike!(And I dont dislike many people!)I simply said I had hurt my leg(which was true anyway) so I have been at home resting it for some while now.Maybe just say you are feeling tired/under the weather and I think she will get the message!

Someone I’d known for 18+ years once ended a friendship with me. To be honest at that point I thought we’d accepted each other’s flaws for what they were, but clearly I was getting on her nerves a lot and finally, one day, the final straw was had. I didn’t see it coming at all and remember nearly word for word what she said. Yes, it hurt. But I oddly respect her for doing it. You break up with your partners if you’re unhappy, so why couldn’t you end the friendship. I will go against the grain by saying that I wouldn’t personally try to distance myself and let it fade out that way. It’s really not a kind thing to do. I’d be honest and say that certain qualities she has doesn’t sit well with you and you can no longer hang out in the way you used to. That if you change your mind you will get back to her but you need time to yourself to decide how you feel about it all.

I’m not in touch with my friend at all now, though we keep each other on Facebook so we can get in touch and check in on each other should we wish to. She taught me a lot about myself- some good, some bad. The harsh reality of it all is that she did me a favour - I’ve improved the flaws she pointed out and I lost someone who wasn’t really a friend at all anymore. Win win.

I'd say something, you will probably feel better than just letting it drift (which would be a bit unkind given that she does have nice qualities too). Next time she says something bitchy, try replying "um, do you mean me?" or just "that's not a very nice thing to say". She may stop doing it, or she may be so pissed off that she ends the friendship herself.

She now lives ten minutes away and regularly sends me messages for coffees (when they could happen) and dog walks. I always end up saying yes and being all light and breezy while dying inside Stop saying yes. Say sorry you're not free this week, but you'll let her know when you're available.

You should use her to practice your "standing up to people". You don't want the friendship to continue, so just test yourself. Use her as a guinea pig. Push back on her comments a little. See what happens, see hownyou feel about it.

I was friends with a girl. I thought we were quite close. Any way one day out of the blue, she told me "now that I was happy" (I had just given birth to my rainbow baby after a stillbirth) "it was time to go our separate ways" I agreed with her as our lives were going in complete different directions and I had all the stuff she wanted, an engagement & a mortgage!

It didn't stop it from hurting though. I felt sick. Like a proper break up and I couldn't eat for ages. Haha! Ghosting me would have been better. Oh well. Good luck.

Why don't you just start disagreeing with her and challenging her when she comes out with a load of crap? Chances are she will be less likely to want to meet up after that anyway. She probably just wants an echo chamber for her views.

Ask her 'why' she wants to meet up as you don't feel you have much in common and if you do meet up with her, just argue with the points you don't agree on. I just end things with people I no longer get on with. Life is too short to waste on those you don't want in it! Good luck x

The thing is OP, you don't want to hurt her feelings but she is hurting yours through her daft comments. Who matters more?

You're nice to be so considerate but it doesn't sound deserved here. She's either a bit thick or really insensitive or calculating and mean. From how you've described it I'm guessing the latter.

Tell her you're under the weather and then make a plan for the longer term.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

You should use her to practice your "standing up to people". You don't want the friendship to continue, so just test yourself. Use her as a guinea pig. Push back on her comments a little. See what happens, see hownyou feel about it.

This.

You have been allowing yourself to be disrespected. You have allowed beliefs you consider wrong to go unchallenged. You have let her be top dog and her opinions rule. Time to learn to stand up for what you believe. It will make you a better person. This is excellent training ground for being assertive but not aggressive.

She sounds a bit tactless and unhappy. Probably unaware of how she is coming across. I agree with those who say you should challenge her a little more. You don’t have to see her so much either. Both of these might help your sanity while being less cruel to someone you have known a long time who can be kind and thoughtful.

Could you go with a
Hi Jessica, I'm not going to be coming out for the walk todaym. It's bee interesting reconnecting with you but I don't really feel we have enough common ground to rebuild the friendship. I wish you a good Christmas