To end this friendship - but HOW?!

[Woofbloodywoof]

I have been friends with this woman for twenty years but, as so often happens, in that twenty years, we have both changed quite a bit and our paths diverged. Not a problem as for a few years we didn’t see much of each other and lived in different parts of the country.

She now lives ten minutes away and regularly sends me messages for coffees (when they could happen) and dog walks. I always end up saying yes and being all light and breezy while dying inside.

The thing is, I really don’t like her anymore. I find her utterly materialistic, self obsessed, she makes sweeping pronouncements that women with children lose themselves/their looks/their husbands, definitely never wants kids etc. It leaves me feeling a bit ‘eh?!’ I am dreading keeping our arrangement for later today, it’s literally making me a feel a bit ill.

I just feel like it would be a shitty thing to tell her the truth and I’ve not had an excuse to avoid seeing her this year because it’s not as if we’ve all had raving social lives. How do I end this friendship? I really don’t want to ghost her because that seems so mean and childish but this can’t go on.

Those of you who have extricated themselves how did you do it without hurting someone’s feelings? Thank you.

Just be honest with her

Just be less available and eventually she'll get the message...
"sorry I'm not feeling too well"
"sorry I can't, I'm swamped with work/kids/whatever"
"sorry we've got plans to clear out the loft this weekend"..... etc

then when you (occasionally) meet up with her, if she says something twatty, just look really shocked and say "oh no I don't agree"...

a gradual tailing-off may take a little while but could be the easiest way out

I know lots of people get annoyed at "ghosting" or just some constantly refusing their offers to meet up, but I think if people started being more truthful a lot of people wouldn't like that either.

I think like others have said just refuse to meet as much and say you're busy with things. It should hopefully just fade away as she gets the message.

you could:

• stop being available. You don't have to agree to anything, or say why
• start challenging her more. She is getting constant validation from you, and she likes it. If you were to disagree out loud, she might just disappear. Or - she would accept your POV, you could have some honest and constructive conversations, and you would feel it was a more authentic and rewarding friendship for you.
• tell her you don't want to see her any more.

It's hard. Cancel for today - make up any excuse you like.

If she then pushes for another date, tell her 'Can you leave it with me actually, I'm not feeling very sociable at the moment'.

If she pushes it further, I think it's ok to say something like 'Look, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, you've done nothing particularly wrong, but the last few times we've got together, I've found it quite stressful and overwhelming. I don't really agree with much of what you say and I'm not really the kind of person to challenge it, so I just end up frustrated with myself. I think i need a bit of a break from hanging out. I'm sorry'.

Do you think you could say that?

I would go, when she starts talking rubbish confront her, tell her you don’t agree with her views, maybe she needs telling? Maybe she’s unaware how judgemental she’s being?

I have a friend (from school) who has different views to me, I don’t see her as often now as she tends to annoy me but I stay in touch and maybe just see her a couple times a year for a catch up. People grow apart, peo0es lives go in different directions, maybe just don’t make as much time for her?

'I'd just keep refusing the invitations and let the friendship peter out. Friendships don't need to be officially ended.'

This! God, who wants an awkward friend dumping conversation. Just be vague, be unavailable.

I drifted apart from my best friend in my mid 20s. We had been close since nursery but I increasingly noticed that the only things we shared anymore was our history. I flat out didnt like her very much and knew if I had met her later in life we never would have been friends.

I guess it helped she must have felt the same as we sort of both just stopped trying, though it had always been more me putting in the effort anyway.

I would stop agreeing to meet up, constantly be busy if you dont want to cut contact altogether. I am much happier without my friend in my life to be honest.

The not being available thing is just a slow death way of ghosting someone. Unkind and immature in a way, imv.
I had this situation with a friend who had changed over the years and become a complete taker. I emailed to say that I had enjoyed our friendship but felt that we now had less in common than in the past and had decided I didn't want to stay in touch anymore. All the best for the future.

I think if you can bring yourself to say something that’s a much better and ultimately kinder way to end things.

I had a close friend who distanced herself gradually without ever saying anything about it. It was (and is) very hurtful. Humiliating really to realise I was still reaching out and she was just wishing I’d stop. She had a bad history of depression so I followed the advice to keep connecting, trying to get her to socialise etc, and it took a while for me to realise she wasn’t depressed just didn’t like me! I would honestly compare it to a nasty lingering break up, and it’s affected how easily I make new friendships or get close to people.

So if you can bring yourself to, I’d go for something along the lines of “I’m afraid I’m not up for meeting at the moment. To be honest this year has been very stressful for everybody, and I think we have quite different approaches to life. I don’t want us to get into an argument about our beliefs, so let’s just stop our meetups. Hope to see you around when things are back to normal, best wishes”. That leaves it open to be polite/chatty if you bump into her out and about, but doesn’t leave her hanging thinking you’re still good friends.

Do you have children? Sounds like she might be jealous of this and hence the over the top statement about how awful it would be to have children. Just keep banging on about how wonderful your children are and counteract every ‘oh I would hate to have children’ with something like ‘you do realise I’m a mum right? And I have lost none of those things’. She will soon lose interest

@GetOffYourHighHorse

'I'd just keep refusing the invitations and let the friendship peter out. Friendships don't need to be officially ended.'

This! God, who wants an awkward friend dumping conversation. Just be vague, be unavailable.

Very cowardly and unfair on the other person.

How about this for something to say to her

So I feel we have been drifting apart for a while now and I just think we are in different places with our lives. I would like to take a break from our walks for a few months. We can reassess in the Spring.

Or you could send an email. It lays out that you dont want to keep in close contact, it gives her a steer towards why but its not specific enough to be hurtful.

Surely its just easier to challenge her on what she says than go through all of this nonsense of putting up with her being annoying or ghosting her?

You don't need to argue with her. Just smile politely and say I don't agree with you. She will either dump you because she wants someone to agree with her or she will enjoy it because you actually have a debate and can respect one another's opinions despite them being different.

@BadLad

I'd just keep refusing the invitations and let the friendship peter out. Friendships don't need to be officially ended.

Definitely this.

I think that whether you want to start flexing your assertive muscles by challenging and disagreeing with her (which is a good idea in principle) will ultimately come down to how much you actually want to continue the friendship at all, even at a lower 'grade' of very occasional meetings.

I had a school run acquaintance start to make a play for me this term, and I initially went along with it, as she's from overseas and visibly lonely, though she's not at all my cup of tea as a person. But she emerged on closer acquaintance as an aggressively dimwitted person who is an apologist for an appalling political regime and thinks Covid is a conspiracy etc etc, and I realised I was only not challenging her which I normally have no problem with because I felt sorry for her at some level.

Then I realised that the other reason I wasn't challenging her ill-informed views is that I simply didn't want to continue the acquaintanceship. I would have challenged the views of a friend I thought was being stupid about something, but I can't be bothered re-educating someone I barely know and don't actually like.

So I told her it wasn't working for me, and now she glowers across the playground on the days I pick up, and it's a real relief.

Some challenge might make her realise she is being a knobber and cause her to reset to normal.

Can you give it one more go with an approach like "Can we not talk about those things today?" "I am just looking forward to a nice / relaxed walk/ coffee and find that these topics upset me".

Give her enough hints that you are uncomfortable about this stuff.

Depending on how she reacts then you could possibly drop her then - either gradually or say it straight out - at least you would have hinted about the issues concerning you.

@Grooticle

I think if you can bring yourself to say something that’s a much better and ultimately kinder way to end things.

I had a close friend who distanced herself gradually without ever saying anything about it. It was (and is) very hurtful. Humiliating really to realise I was still reaching out and she was just wishing I’d stop. She had a bad history of depression so I followed the advice to keep connecting, trying to get her to socialise etc, and it took a while for me to realise she wasn’t depressed just didn’t like me! I would honestly compare it to a nasty lingering break up, and it’s affected how easily I make new friendships or get close to people.

So if you can bring yourself to, I’d go for something along the lines of “I’m afraid I’m not up for meeting at the moment. To be honest this year has been very stressful for everybody, and I think we have quite different approaches to life. I don’t want us to get into an argument about our beliefs, so let’s just stop our meetups. Hope to see you around when things are back to normal, best wishes”. That leaves it open to be polite/chatty if you bump into her out and about, but doesn’t leave her hanging thinking you’re still good friends.

This absolutely.

I have a friend who I’m increasingly fed up with because she’s a taker but I’m not sure I want to lose because we have fun out However I really can’t work out if she’s actually trying to shake me or just being her usual slightly selfish self. I’m pulling back but it makes things tricky when we’d normally do decent Christmas presents.

If the friendship is at an end then there’s nothing to lose by being honest. You don’t have to lay into her, but tell her how she comes across and how it affects you.

You might just be able to salvage a friendship from it if she is mortified by what she’s become - after all, all relationships take work and a friendship is as valid a relationship as any other. If not, well you tried and you can walk away knowing that.

You don’t need to dramatically break up, just become less available. When she messages, don’t reply or only offer vague responses. She’ll get the picture eventually. I don’t see a reason to be dramatic with this really.

If I were the friend (or former friend, at this point), I think I'd rather you gently faded from my life than told me (however kindly) that we'd grown apart, had nothing in common, etc. That would be so awkward and dramatic... Most people get the point fairly quickly if you're always "busy", "too tired", or too whatever else to go somewhere with them.

As a general rule when people make sweeping pronouncements about whole classes of person (mothers/married people) its a reliable sign that their buttons are pushed by this class of people for some reason.

You have two choices really: if she's someone you value and what to unpick this you can challenge her and say you think this is unfair and ask her why she does it?

But if you don't have time for it there's no obligation to do this. If someone is not sufficiently self-aware and respectful to know that its bad form to make these sorts of sweeping statements I don't think you owe it to them to get into a painful emotional standoff with them. Friendship should be a two-way thing: its not a public service.

Ultimately it depends on how much you value her.

If she now lives ten minutes away she’s probably a bit lonely having recently moved. Eventually she will find her own circle but just now she sort of needs you! - in the meantime, be less available and more assertive - your friendship may even develop and grow stronger if you are able to be yourself with her