To end this friendship - but HOW?!

[Woofbloodywoof]

I have been friends with this woman for twenty years but, as so often happens, in that twenty years, we have both changed quite a bit and our paths diverged. Not a problem as for a few years we didn’t see much of each other and lived in different parts of the country.

She now lives ten minutes away and regularly sends me messages for coffees (when they could happen) and dog walks. I always end up saying yes and being all light and breezy while dying inside.

The thing is, I really don’t like her anymore. I find her utterly materialistic, self obsessed, she makes sweeping pronouncements that women with children lose themselves/their looks/their husbands, definitely never wants kids etc. It leaves me feeling a bit ‘eh?!’ I am dreading keeping our arrangement for later today, it’s literally making me a feel a bit ill.

I just feel like it would be a shitty thing to tell her the truth and I’ve not had an excuse to avoid seeing her this year because it’s not as if we’ve all had raving social lives. How do I end this friendship? I really don’t want to ghost her because that seems so mean and childish but this can’t go on.

Those of you who have extricated themselves how did you do it without hurting someone’s feelings? Thank you.

I tried to distance an old friendship in a kind way, just being less available, for similar reasons. It had the opposite effect and she got more demanding, started turning up on my doorstep etc, and even stressed out my son.
So maybe if you are sure the friendship is over it may be better to be clear and just explain you've moved on, as gently as possible.

tell her youve got a cough. Youve got the perfect excuse at the moment. Say its probably not covid, but youre not taking chances

Then find excuses every time.
Tired
Headache
worried about the pandemic
Didnt sleep properly
Not feeling up to company
Already got plans

She will get the message.

Or just tell her you dont feel like sitting there listening to her criticisms of people with kids and talking how much stuff she owns

I'd meet her but say you can only spare an hour. Then the first chance you get, assert what you honestly think about her views, but present your opinions as an interesting counterpoint to hers, not as a challenge. "Isn't it funny, I see things so differently to you!". There's no harm in letting her get to know the person you are now. As others have said you'll either develop a genuine friendship where you can be yourself, or realise you don't have much in common anymore. And if you really don't enjoy your time, make excuses till enough months have gone by that it's not a thing you do anymore. The only thing I wouldn't do is be blunt about why you don't want to be friends, that would be so hurtful and is completely unnecessary.

I think the least shitty thing to do would be to be honest.

I take it you're married with kids? In which case her ridiculous (and quite frankly jealousy driven) opinions are offensive to you, as well as bloody stupid.

If you don't value the friendship, let it go. You do need to pull your big girl knicks up and tell her why though. Ghosting friends is a shitty thing to do. Right now she is the only dick in this scenario, you don't want to make this a co-dick situation!

Dear lord!

You don't want to be mean by being honest?
Do you not think phasing someone out is more hurtful?

People like that tend to have low self esteem. People with low self esteem seldom realise they have the power to hurt people. ( or yes, she could just be a dick).

If you want to be genuine, and kind, then tell her, when she makes a comment, that it is hurtful.

You could say ' ouch, that's a bit close to home, do you mean me?'.

Either the penny will drop with her ( although it may not be right then) or it won't.
If it doesn't, then just be unavailable.

* Cosmetic surgery to make yourself look younger is basically worse than leaving your wrinkles as they are. It screams that you are ageing but insecure and vain with it, when you could just be ageing.*

You’re not averse to sweeping generalisations yourself OP

You’re well suited I would say

Keep it vague
“Sorry can’t do”
“Not sure about next week, looking busy”
“Aw sorry won’t be able to make that”
“Got a lot going on so probably won’t be able to meet for a while”
“Yeah maybe another time”

I’ve “broken up with” a friend before in this kind of situation. I just said we didn’t have much in common anymore, we should go our separate ways, we disagree on fundamental things. Then blocked because I couldn’t be arsed with guilt-trippy replies. Felt brilliant afterwards like a huge load off my mind that I hadn’t even realised was there. She was causing me so much stress.

First of all I would take my time in replying and then just make up excuses, say you are busy with appts or you went to see someone. Just gradually distance yourself. I wouldn’t call her up on it personally unless you want to upset her or get into a row...

I'd just let the friendship fade and die. Just accept the invites less and less often and eventually - stop.

I just don’t want a friendship that requires that level of premeditation I guess

Why does saying what you feel when you feel it require any premeditation? Try introducing the phrase 'I disagree with you on that, I'm afraid' to your friendship. Say it every time you feel it. You can also say 'I'm sorry, I can't meet up today/this week' to her. You don't have to give a reason. As far as she's concerned, you might be poorly/run down/super busy, but it buys you extended periods without her, without confrontation. If she does ask why at some point, you can tell her you've changed your priorities in life and have things to juggle. You don't have to make it personal to her, because it's personal to you. Use 'I' statements, rather than 'you' statements.

I agree that it would be better to tell her something - make it about you changing rather than her, if that's easier - than to just ghost her and leave her wondering.

I was in a group of friends, one of whom suddenly dropped me - defriended me on FB, stopped talking to me, didn't answer emails etc. - and this was after I'd emigrated, so phonecalls weren't an easy option. I tentatively put out feelers to a couple of the others in the group, but didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable, so since neither of them were forthcoming with any concrete reasons, I let it drop. I'm still friends with all the rest of them, just not that one - and I still see the others when I'm back in the UK, so whatever it was, it was personal to that one person and I'm none the wiser!!

Watching with interest, I have a similar dilemma - in fact initially I thought you were also friends with the same person!

I wouldn’t tell her the reason, I would simply say (as a pp has said) ‘sorry can’t make today. Hope you’re well’

That way you’re no ghosting her but equally you’re not putting yourself in a position that you don’t want to be in.

I know it’s hard when you get in to this situations, but the point is, you don’t need to.

You sound really nice and I know it does that come easy to say no. I find it difficult too but I definitely think as I’m getting older, I’m much more assertive than I used to be.

I was sick of doing things to please others when I didn’t want to but didn’t want to ‘upset’ them. These days I care much less. If I don’t want to do it, I don’t.

Depending on what’s being asked of me and by whom, will dictate my response. In this particular situation don’t give her any more than ‘I’m afraid I can’t today, I’ve got a lot on with Christmas coming up...’

That can also be your reason/excuse if she asks again.

Don’t put yourself in situations you dread OP. You can say no!

@BadLad

I'd just keep refusing the invitations and let the friendship peter out. Friendships don't need to be officially ended.

This

Just challenge her every time. Do you have children? Is she making those nasty comments to you, knowing you are being insulted? If so can't you just say, "What a horrible thing to say" and then say, "I think it's best if I go home now." She might realise what a bitch she's being and apologise, or she might get annoyed and not want to see you again - win-win.

To those saying challenge her and her views - you’ve got to remember that the OP can’t even find it in herself to say ‘I’m sorry I can’t meet up today’ so it’s unlikely she’s going to be in a position to feel like she can challenge her ‘friends’ views directly.

Some people are generally more assertive than others and would find it quite easy to challenge the friends ridiculous views. I would love to see the ‘friends’ face if OP did, but it doesn’t seem that she’s ready for that confrontation just yet.

But I agree with you all, someone should challenge her!!

I had a friend exactly like this. She was pretty awful to me during things like getting married, having miscarriages, having a baby etc and regularly told me how boring I was. Mainly because I didn't want to drink or do drugs because I was pregnant/ breastfeeding.

I didn't go to her 40th birthday party and she didn't message me again.

Could you ignore gift giving this year and see if she ditches you in retaliation?

I'd just tell her I've got a job on an oil rig and block her on everything.

Then if she sees you out and about smile and wave.

Hopefully she'll find out it was all a lie and be really offended. Job done. What's she gonna do?

I had a friend who suddenly dropped me and my other friend and our husbands.

Years later my other friend died suddenly. I had no way of let the ghosting friend know (didn’t know email, mobile or house telephone numbers) and when I met her a year after the death and told her she was completely shocked. She actually turned white. I felt very sorry for her. But this is the trouble with ruthlessly pruning people out of your life.

In your shoes I'd be less available and let it phase out. Not nice but its generally how its done. It doesn't sound like you're emotionally invested enough for the mental stress or drama of a proper confrontation. Its also super annoying having a friendship where you have to constantly challenge someone's garbage opinion's. Just cancel next meet up keeping it light/vague, take longer to reply to messages and never initiate, be less available.

Meant to add, her husband is a bit of a social climber and I think other friend and I just didn’t match the profile of the mainly landed gentry/rich they socialise with. Ghosting friend is actually lovely but does like to mix with those types too. Sad thing is she never had a chance to make it right with the friend who died or even send her a bunch of flowers and card.

I think the problem with being busy and the gradual fade out is that the other person has to be roughly on the same page to take the hint. If it takes them a long time to work out what's going on then, as a pp said, it can be as hurtful as just ending the friendship honestly. I've wondered, but never actually tried this, if telling the friend that you are not in the right place to be a good friend at the moment (e.g covid stress, family issues, or something similar) and that you need to take a break from the friendship would work. Then you are shifting the blame for not being friends anymore from her to you, and if you run into her in the street one day, you can still stop for a polite chat with hopefully no bad feelings.

Just tell her why.

It's a dick move to just be busy, etc. Just tell her exactly why you don't want to speak or see her anymore.

So tough. I have been on both sides of this. My best friend ghosted me after 40 years of close contact, with no explanation at all. It honestly broke my heart. She made contact after about 3 years and said she had been in a bad place. Then after 5 years she launched a stinging verbal attack at a time when I was really vulnerable. A year, she later she got in touch, apologised and expected us to be the same. I tried but I can’t ever contact her, I guess I worried that I would not be welcomed.Haven’t heard from her in 6 months. Don’t mind.
Another friend was clearly getting irritated with me and my sweeping generalisations and began patiently questioning them. I think I became a much better friend through her.
I have consciously decided on 3 occasions that I no longer have anything in common with a friend. I took the cowardly way out and ghosted. But I wish I had found a more adult approach.