To end this friendship - but HOW?!

[Woofbloodywoof]

I have been friends with this woman for twenty years but, as so often happens, in that twenty years, we have both changed quite a bit and our paths diverged. Not a problem as for a few years we didn’t see much of each other and lived in different parts of the country.

She now lives ten minutes away and regularly sends me messages for coffees (when they could happen) and dog walks. I always end up saying yes and being all light and breezy while dying inside.

The thing is, I really don’t like her anymore. I find her utterly materialistic, self obsessed, she makes sweeping pronouncements that women with children lose themselves/their looks/their husbands, definitely never wants kids etc. It leaves me feeling a bit ‘eh?!’ I am dreading keeping our arrangement for later today, it’s literally making me a feel a bit ill.

I just feel like it would be a shitty thing to tell her the truth and I’ve not had an excuse to avoid seeing her this year because it’s not as if we’ve all had raving social lives. How do I end this friendship? I really don’t want to ghost her because that seems so mean and childish but this can’t go on.

Those of you who have extricated themselves how did you do it without hurting someone’s feelings? Thank you.

@wellthatsunusual

I'm firmly in the camp of not wanting to be sat down for a chat on my shortcomings. I know that I have drifted away from friends over the years because they became wealthier than me and moved in circles that I didn't fit into. Imagine how shit it would be for someone to sit me down and say 'we've had good times in the past but now that you can't afford to go to the same restaurants as me, I think I've moved on'. I'd rather they just stopped inviting me and continued to stop for a quick chat if I run into them in the supermarkets than the humiliation of that.

Decent friends that want to keep the friendship will pay for you if they want to go to more expensive places and they can afford to.

Honesty is always the best policy and there is no worry on the part of the dumped that they did something wrong as with ghosting. They will have been told. Ghosting is cowardly and also does not bring the relief a break up in a friendship should bring if it's toxic as you still have to make up excuses when you run into them as you invariably will if they are only ten minutes away as in the OP's case

Just make excuses every single time she invites you out. Keep them as flimsy as you like 'watching a box set, cleaning out a drawer' and she'll eventually give up.

Or even just say 'sorry, super busy at the moment'. Then it can just fizzle out with no big confrontation.

Please talk to/challenge your friend. I’ve said similar things to her in the past and it 100% comes from a place of feeling low and lonely. I think there’s so much competition in everyday life (like social media) that just got on top of me and I didn’t feel good enough. You don’t have to be confrontational just a surprised - oh really?! or ask why she thinks she feels like that. Tell her what you said in your second post, I’d have found it a good balance and wouldn’t feel negatively towards you at all.
Obviously I’m not your friend so it may not work but you haven’t lost anything if she falls out with you.

Decent friends that want to keep the friendship will pay for you if they want to go to more expensive places and they can afford to.

Oh God, cringe. You might be OK with being patronised, and given charity by someone better off than you. Many, many other people would not be. I, personally, would feel like an absolute wanker offering to pay for a poor friend. How insulting to them.

Honesty is always the best policy

For you. The poster you’ve quoted has literally just said they wouldn’t want to be told why the friend is dumping them. I said exactly the same upthread. So no, honesty is not always the best policy.

Different people prefer different approaches.

Similar to MerchantofVenice - always paying for the "poorer friend" can be seen as offensive, like charity and patronising.

I have both had a friend who was hard up, and been the friend who was hard up - our friends didn't "pay for us", they accommodated our need to go somewhere we could afford, and allowed us to pay for only what we had, rather than a general bill split - this allowed us to stay part of the group, keep our dignity, and not break the bank.

In my opinion, having been on both ends of it, THAT's what "decent friends" do.

Sorry, MerchantofVenom, not Venice!

I think it’s incredibly thoughtful of you to not want to hurt her feelings.

It also sounds like you are uncomfortable with the idea of lying to her about why you don’t want to see her.

Those are two great qualities. Not wanting to lie but also not wanting to hurt her feelings.

I don’t have any advice I just wanted to point those two things out because whilst you feel bad you need reminding that you feel bad because you’re thinking of her feelings.

I also get the idea that you may be the type of person who is uncomfortable with challenging her?

Again no advice but you seem like a very thoughtful person! ❤️

(I’m in the same boat with my mil, I daren’t say shit to her because she emotionally unstable and it’s not in my nature to put people in their place because I feel guilty afterwards. Instead I just have a running commentary in my head about things that make me happy when I’m with her so I come across as someone who isn’t paying attention thus leading to her not wanting to spend much time with me. Bingo 💪🏽)