AIBU by thinking my lodger is being passive aggressive?

[TomorrowToday]

I’ve had a new kitchen since the lodger has moved in. She’s South American so I don’t know if it’s a language barrier or not.

Anyway she’s made comments that have suggested she’s not happy with the new kitchen and what I do.

Eg - a shelf with the glass/mugs on top of the kettle. She said it makes the kitchen “look smaller” and she prefers them in the cupboard. It doesn’t make the kitchen look smaller as you can only see the shelf when face on, it’s in the corner behind a pillar.

She was emptying the washing machine and said it’s too much effort. I have no idea what she meant as it’s a standard washing machine. She then asked to use the dryer, which is her real issue. Before the refurb the dryer was in the kitchen but now it’s in a cupboard. I can understand this is an inconvenience as have to use an extension cord and take out the hoover, but in my opening still easier than hanging clothes.

I allowed her to use my pepper/spice cupboard because I rarely use the stuff and when I was getting the new kitchen I put it away in a box under lots of stuff. She messaged me asking “where’s the pepper” I said I wasn’t too sure because it was under heaps of boxes and I didn’t want her to disturb. She had her dinner and I got home after 90 mins. She still asked for the pepper, which I thought was a bit annoying when it’s not hers and I’ve already told her. Anyway she’s not used the pepper for at least 7 weeks - which is weird.

She makes comments like “I cant find anything” when I’m in the same room instead of asking for something. New kitchen but it’s got much smaller units so some things have been moved.

She wouldn’t let me put up two shelves in her room - would only let me put up one.

The blender has broken and she’s been suggesting I get a new one. They are like £15, buy one if you want it.

The fire alarm started to bleep in the middle of the night - it’s the bleep that happens every 30 seconds. She said “what that little noise woke you up”. She seemed surprised.

I don’t invite her option or get her approval. I will be getting her to move out as I’m actually avoiding going back to my house. Yawn.

[quote DreadingSeason2020sFinale]**@Smallgoon* Surely you understand if you have shared interests etc.*

Do you often have conversations with new people about their kitchen likes? If they like to ruin bathroom vanities with bleach? Whether they plan on taking up smoking weed in the next 6 months?

How on Earth has the OP's issues with her lodger complaining about OP's new kitchen or not being able to find pepper got ANYTHING to do with "shared interests"?[/quote]
Actually, every time I've been interviewed before joining a house-share, I have been asked about things like cleaning etc, personalities, likes/dislikes etc.

My point remains, the OP is moaning about lodger not being able to understand her. This is clearly a comms issue which would have been apparent if OP didn't just take the first person who was interested in moving in.

Judging by the number of threads OP has started about said lodger, it's clear that they don't really care about the thoughts on those posting on this board in any case.

OP - maybe you should heed the advice of others and live alone. Clearly you're not cut out for living with others. I sure as hell wouldn't want to share my personal space with a lodger.

[quote TomorrowToday]@Palavah you sound really dumb. It’s a continent. She’s from that continent. It’s a non English speaking continent. Therefore it’s relevant and I have referenced her original because of the language barrier.[/quote]
Whereas you sound really nice!

You sound a bit unreasonable too OP. She might be a lodger but the house is also her home- she’s only made the odd vocal comment.

This ^
If you are going to let others make your hose their home, then you have to be ready for a bit of give and take. It doesn't sound like you are ready for that.
I mean, from where I'm sitting, it does seem odd to put a drier in a cupboard, behind other stuff you have to take out to use it.

I wouldn't like the drugs, and that would be the line that was crossed, but all the nonsense about the pepper and the cups just makes it sound like you aren't really suited to sharing your house.

@midsomermurderess Good advice thanks.

I was wanting advice on this particular issue/if I’m being an asshole.

She starts to empty the washing machine and says “this is too much hard work” and than asks to use the dryer (yeah fine I’ve never stopped her) and she says “I can’t be bothered” and puts everything back and hangs up her clothes on the horse.

@BackforGood It’s a dryer, something not frequently used. It’s in a cupboard so we have more kitchen space. It’s behind a hoover, unless you think the hoover should be in the dining room....
My old house had the washing machine and dryer in the basement. How is that any more unusual? The dryer also had to take a quid to work.

@Smallgoon Kathy Newman

@TomorrowToday you sound like a nightmare to live with. Surely this can't be real? Do you live under a bridge?

You've had multiple threads about this lodger haven't you - isn't this the one who was on the council tax bill or something (there was a long side story about coming from South America but having an EU passport or some such)... Am not sure what use you're getting from each thread to keep returning back, citing the same problems?

@liveitwell

These hardly seem like big issues. I think you're blowing it out of all proportion.

The smoking alone would be a big issue for me.

Your new kitchen doesn't sound much of an improvement.

I’ll tell you how to solve your problem. Leave your computer open with all the threads that you’ve started about this lodger also open. She’ll be out of there quicker than you can say “lodger”

@Coffeehunter how do? Or is it a case of women just writing “omg you are a nightmare” with no real thought?

@user1493494961 don’t build kitchens like they used to that’s for sure. It looks heaps better and had a work surface that’s not been ripped in half, more work space, dishwasher and more cupboard space. The units before were painted and found in a skip. New floor added as well. Much improvement

@BackforGood I’m all for people making a home their own, but who ultimately gets to decide where things I’ve bought go? I don’t expect to come home and for cups to be moved around. It’s not a share house so there is no compromise for that. I also don’t expect people to barge past me.

How about you deal with the issue at hand rather than starting 189976748 threads about your lodger...?

You sound like the bigger nightmare in fairness. I'd hate living with somebody like you.

@Smallgoon

How about you deal with the issue at hand rather than starting 189976748 threads about your lodger...?

You sound like the bigger nightmare in fairness. I'd hate living with somebody like you.

Again, basing “nightmare” on what?

Op I rented rooms in my house for years and did my best to compromise to tenants. I basically treated it like a houseshare where all voices were equal. Most tenants were lovely but I had a one or two like this lady. They drove me mad.

I then found myself being the tenant in an owner occupied home and I was gobsmacked at how rigid their rules were. It made sense though, it was their house.

I think you need to find your voice here.
"Please don't move the delph around, I have it organised as I see fit."
"The house is non-smoking. If you are going to smoke outside, please do not do it on my doorstop and do not leave butts."
"I am putting two shelves in your room. You don't need to use the second one if you don't want to."
"I don't know why you keep insulting my decor choices. It is my house, I didn't ask for your feedback."
"I didn't mind you using my condiments but if it's inconvenient to you, please buy your own instead of complaining all the time."
"We don't need to be best friends but I expect as a minimum a pleasant atmosphere. I don't appreciate you pushing past me without saying hello."

@Isthisnothing

Op I rented rooms in my house for years and did my best to compromise to tenants. I basically treated it like a houseshare where all voices were equal. Most tenants were lovely but I had a one or two like this lady. They drove me mad.

I then found myself being the tenant in an owner occupied home and I was gobsmacked at how rigid their rules were. It made sense though, it was their house.

I think you need to find your voice here.
"Please don't move the delph around, I have it organised as I see fit."
"The house is non-smoking. If you are going to smoke outside, please do not do it on my doorstop and do not leave butts."
"I am putting two shelves in your room. You don't need to use the second one if you don't want to."
"I don't know why you keep insulting my decor choices. It is my house, I didn't ask for your feedback."
"I didn't mind you using my condiments but if it's inconvenient to you, please buy your own instead of complaining all the time."
"We don't need to be best friends but I expect as a minimum a pleasant atmosphere. I don't appreciate you pushing past me without saying hello."

Thanks very much! I only wish my thought process was sharp.

@TomorrowToday yes I do think I’m flexible as I’m an agreeable person.

@TomorrowToday you posted previously that your lodger preferred the old sink to the new one and decided that was passive aggressive and maybe cultural differences You're now going on about pepper, a dryer and a small shelf. When that didn't get you the answers you wanted you dripped in some weed smoking. If this is real you really shouldn't have a lodger, you aren't suited to living with strangers, you pick everything apart.

[quote Coffeehunter]@TomorrowToday you posted previously that your lodger preferred the old sink to the new one and decided that was passive aggressive and maybe cultural differences You're now going on about pepper, a dryer and a small shelf. When that didn't get you the answers you wanted you dripped in some weed smoking. If this is real you really shouldn't have a lodger, you aren't suited to living with strangers, you pick everything apart.[/quote]
I noticed the reference to weed too, almost to try to make the situation seem worse than it is... which was then followed with Why are people against weed smoking? Just curious.

Seems OP is the passive aggressive one. Either that or just an attention seeker judging by the number of threads on this matter.

Tomorrowtoday
I think you are doing ok. I Don't get the criticism of you from some PPs and am glad to see some have given you useful advice, especially one PP you quoted recently and said it was helpful

Ultimately, your lodger is crossing boundaries. I wouldn't like smoking in my house or doorstep butts and certainly not weed! Nor would I like having my cupboards reorganised or dining room taken over. Or the little digs. It's become wearing. She is renting her bedroom and use of shared facilities not extra rooms
to herself. She gets a shelf or two in freezer and fridge, a cupboard or two in kitchen and no more. You don't have to be equal split. There has to be a degree of give and take but not a take over!!

It is your house

You said you plan to give notice once you have someone else lined up?
Whilst you can't go into local hospital during COVID period to put a notice up, do you know any NHS friends who can ask around? Or a local fb group? Maybe you need just stick with spare room advert.

I think once you said she has stolen from you, that's not ok and you do need to move her out. Surely you can do 2 week notice on those grounds? You might get a gap in lodgers but that might give you breathing space if you aren't entirely tightly dependent on the finance help.

@Smallgoon I said smoking and weed. I doubt I would have allowed a smoker to move in and she’s also started smoking weed. Smoking is dislike and doubt I would have let her move in. The weed I’m on the fence about. I can’t smell it but I don’t know how I feel about it being smoked “on my property”. It’s more a.... whats she going to take up next as a habit.

@sparticuscaticus thanks. I don’t think she’s stolen from me but a white board has ended up in her room. I can’t remember giving it to her but it’s a moot point.

I want to get someone fixed before she gets asked to leave because I may be tempted to take anyone and I’ll be back to square one again haha.

@Smallgoon making comments on the Internet doesn’t make someone passive aggressive, fool