AIBU by thinking my lodger is being passive aggressive?

[TomorrowToday]

I’ve had a new kitchen since the lodger has moved in. She’s South American so I don’t know if it’s a language barrier or not.

Anyway she’s made comments that have suggested she’s not happy with the new kitchen and what I do.

Eg - a shelf with the glass/mugs on top of the kettle. She said it makes the kitchen “look smaller” and she prefers them in the cupboard. It doesn’t make the kitchen look smaller as you can only see the shelf when face on, it’s in the corner behind a pillar.

She was emptying the washing machine and said it’s too much effort. I have no idea what she meant as it’s a standard washing machine. She then asked to use the dryer, which is her real issue. Before the refurb the dryer was in the kitchen but now it’s in a cupboard. I can understand this is an inconvenience as have to use an extension cord and take out the hoover, but in my opening still easier than hanging clothes.

I allowed her to use my pepper/spice cupboard because I rarely use the stuff and when I was getting the new kitchen I put it away in a box under lots of stuff. She messaged me asking “where’s the pepper” I said I wasn’t too sure because it was under heaps of boxes and I didn’t want her to disturb. She had her dinner and I got home after 90 mins. She still asked for the pepper, which I thought was a bit annoying when it’s not hers and I’ve already told her. Anyway she’s not used the pepper for at least 7 weeks - which is weird.

She makes comments like “I cant find anything” when I’m in the same room instead of asking for something. New kitchen but it’s got much smaller units so some things have been moved.

She wouldn’t let me put up two shelves in her room - would only let me put up one.

The blender has broken and she’s been suggesting I get a new one. They are like £15, buy one if you want it.

The fire alarm started to bleep in the middle of the night - it’s the bleep that happens every 30 seconds. She said “what that little noise woke you up”. She seemed surprised.

I don’t invite her option or get her approval. I will be getting her to move out as I’m actually avoiding going back to my house. Yawn.

If you’re going to get jumpy over someone using your pepper, you really really shouldn’t have a lodger. You also sound oddly obsessive about things (remembering that she hadn’t used the pepper ‘for seven weeks’ - how precise).

Some of her comments would be mildly irritating to me but nothing massively out of order or rude.

I've had lodgers before and I think yab a little u, these aren't huge issues.
In regards to the kitchen renovation you did, just tell her it's your home and this is how you prefer it.
If I was a lodger then the condiments being out away would annoy me if you had previously said she could use them, how was she to know that you were going to suddenly pack away the pepper. The smoke alarm beeping all night would annoy me too.
I don't think having a lodger suits you.

@Palavah you sound really dumb. It’s a continent. She’s from that continent. It’s a non English speaking continent. Therefore it’s relevant and I have referenced her original because of the language barrier.

Another lodger thread. I'm sure people have happy relationship with lodgers but honestly they don't seem to go well lost of the time.. It's totally different to a flat/house share. As it's your home. It almost always seems to be about the lodger being irritating in some way. Most people seem to want tge money from a lodger but not the inconvenience of actually living with someone.

Origin* not original.

I’m not actually sorry for calling people dumb when they do a Kathy Newman.

@NeonIcedcoffee she’s more irritating than any house share. Considering at my other house shares they either had no dryer or one you had to pay (as well as sharing a washing machine with 6 people), there are positive and negatives.

@MissMooMoo she doesn’t use the pepper, that’s the issue...... I don’t think it matters if they are a lodger or a housemate in a share house. I’m allowed to remove access to things that I’ve bought..... I don’t expect some to than me after she’s ate dinner and it was her tone as well.

[quote TomorrowToday]@NeonIcedcoffee she’s more irritating than any house share. Considering at my other house shares they either had no dryer or one you had to pay (as well as sharing a washing machine with 6 people), there are positive and negatives.[/quote]
So you think she should be greatful for having a dryer? When most probably she decided to live on the house base on the facilities and ret is based on quality of the house including facilities?

It does sound annoying but in my experience living with others is. I think it's worth considering if you're cut out for having a lodger.

I’ve had lodgers before, you do need to be tolerant of some smaller differences in opinion... I learnt to pick my battles to save them for the real issues. The smoking weed would have been enough for me to kick them out though.

Your problem is you need the money and there are slim pickings in your area. So you would not be unreasonable to give notice to the lodger to leave but I’m not sure why you have posted?

@NeonIcedcoffee no I’ve never said she should be grateful for having a dryer - although ask anyone without a dryer and a rainy day.

My concern was her staying it’s “too much effort” to use the dryer because it’s in the cupboard. Everything is not the way she likes it - sink, not her preferred colour. Glasses, she wants them in the cupboard. Shelves, no I have to put what she wants.

Shall I tell you when she locked herself out of the house? The week before she sent me a message saying “you’ve taken my keys, I need them, when will you be back”. I didn’t take her keys and she deleted the what’s apps.

Next week she locked herself out and I said I would be home in 2 hours. She messaged the first time saying “nooooooo” which I took to he as it is, bad luck.

Than she said “no.....it isn’t possible to come before”. After I tell someone I will be home in 2 hours I don’t expect someone to say no or ask me to come home earlier. She could have said “can I meet you somewhere to borrow your key”. I had a spare key at home but she was being rude.

@TomorrowToday when did I say you couldn't remove the use of the condiments? I was simply saying it's annoying for your lodger that you didn't inform her first after previously telling her she's free to use them. She isn't a mind reader.

Why are people against weed smoking? Just curious.

@MissMooMoo yep it’s fine to ask where they are but don’t make it an issue when I’ve removed them. It’s a privilege, I can remove any time.

@Dogdaysarehere yes very much. New year i hope she’s gone.

I’m posting her to see if I’m being unreasonable.

Honestly you sound very hard to live with, I don't think you are cut out to have a lodger.

Pepper isn't exactly expensive. YABU to restrict access to it if it's there.

You keep posting about this and don’t accept the advice that is given. Just ask her to leave!!

This all sounds very familiar.

I couldn’t live with you. You are very nightpicky and seem to require certain standards of ‘formality’ that will understandably be eroded when you share a house with someone. I would feel like I’m walking on eggshells around you. What if I commented casually on something without you seeking my opinion??

On the subject of weed: it stinks and makes me feel sick so would definitely be a dealbreaker for me,

You sound like a bit of a pest to be honest.

It's not the 1600's. Pepper is hardly a commodity these days.

I'd be more irritated if she doubled up on every kitchen condiment/spice because there'd be additional clutter.

If she was going through a shit-tonne of saffron, I could understand a whinge as it's expensive. But pepper. Really OP, I don't know that you're cut out for a lodger.

I allowed her to use my pepper/spice cupboard because I rarely use the stuff and when I was getting the new kitchen I put it away in a box under lots of stuff. She messaged me asking “where’s the pepper” I said I wasn’t too sure because it was under heaps of boxes and I didn’t want her to disturb. She had her dinner and I got home after 90 mins. She still asked for the pepper, which I thought was a bit annoying when it’s not hers and I’ve already told her

I don't understand. How did you expect her to access the pepper that you'd told her it was okay for her to use if it was located under boxes you didn't want her to move?

If you no longer wanted her to use the pepper, why not just say so?

@debwong i didn’t restrict - it was in my bath under all my kitchen stuff, baking trays, cleaning products etc. As you said it’s not expensive, it was only not available for one night.... she’s never used it in all the time she’s lived at the property as the seal is still attached. So to ask twice for something in the same day after you’ve eaten dinner is annoying.

Errant lodger de jour. As others have said, speak to her about your issues. Why are there so many 'confrontation-averse' women on Mumsnet these days? Being assertive isn't the same as being confrontational.

@Butchyrestingface it was just one night it wasn’t available. Minor inconvenience and I’ve just checked - lid is still attached, it’s not been used for 3 months. Hence why I don’t understand why she was so desperate for something she hasn’t used.

Lots of lodger threads lately. I cannot imagine having one shudder but if I did there's no way they'd get away with the nonsense MN lodgers seem to!