AIBU by thinking my lodger is being passive aggressive?

[TomorrowToday]

I’ve had a new kitchen since the lodger has moved in. She’s South American so I don’t know if it’s a language barrier or not.

Anyway she’s made comments that have suggested she’s not happy with the new kitchen and what I do.

Eg - a shelf with the glass/mugs on top of the kettle. She said it makes the kitchen “look smaller” and she prefers them in the cupboard. It doesn’t make the kitchen look smaller as you can only see the shelf when face on, it’s in the corner behind a pillar.

She was emptying the washing machine and said it’s too much effort. I have no idea what she meant as it’s a standard washing machine. She then asked to use the dryer, which is her real issue. Before the refurb the dryer was in the kitchen but now it’s in a cupboard. I can understand this is an inconvenience as have to use an extension cord and take out the hoover, but in my opening still easier than hanging clothes.

I allowed her to use my pepper/spice cupboard because I rarely use the stuff and when I was getting the new kitchen I put it away in a box under lots of stuff. She messaged me asking “where’s the pepper” I said I wasn’t too sure because it was under heaps of boxes and I didn’t want her to disturb. She had her dinner and I got home after 90 mins. She still asked for the pepper, which I thought was a bit annoying when it’s not hers and I’ve already told her. Anyway she’s not used the pepper for at least 7 weeks - which is weird.

She makes comments like “I cant find anything” when I’m in the same room instead of asking for something. New kitchen but it’s got much smaller units so some things have been moved.

She wouldn’t let me put up two shelves in her room - would only let me put up one.

The blender has broken and she’s been suggesting I get a new one. They are like £15, buy one if you want it.

The fire alarm started to bleep in the middle of the night - it’s the bleep that happens every 30 seconds. She said “what that little noise woke you up”. She seemed surprised.

I don’t invite her option or get her approval. I will be getting her to move out as I’m actually avoiding going back to my house. Yawn.

The fire alarm beep would drive me dotty.
I sympathise with that, as I have sensitive hearing..an electronic beep every 30 seconds would drive most people to distraction, and sounds like it needs new batteries?

Apart from that, find a new lodger.
Re lodgers,

A friend saved the life of a lodger years ago.. he came back “ out of it”
Blundering into a wall, vomiting..

She was furious.
Next morning, she checked on him, and he was making no sense.

She called an ambulance...

It was meningitis 😳.

He was in extremis, and medics said had he been left, he’d have died within a short time.

His parents were massively grateful.

Not relevant to OP but a positive outcome for one young student.

@Smallgoon Surely you understand if you have shared interests etc.

Do you often have conversations with new people about their kitchen likes? If they like to ruin bathroom vanities with bleach? Whether they plan on taking up smoking weed in the next 6 months?

How on Earth has the OP's issues with her lodger complaining about OP's new kitchen or not being able to find pepper got ANYTHING to do with "shared interests"?

She probably doesn't understand the term "lodger". She thinks she's in a house share or flat share and that her rent covers half of all bills and expenses, making her position equal to yours.

Explain to her, this is NOT a house-share. We are NOT flat mates. You are a lodger in MY house. That means, the decor, furniture, fittings, or kitchen design are none of your business. I make all those decisions to suit myself.

It’s always good to check thinking with others

I'd get a new lodger as you're doing, it doesn't sound like you're being unreasonable at all and hopefully you'll find someone nicer next time round. She sounds worse than most.

@BoudiccaD

Let's hope lodgers dont start expecting inheritance!

@TomorrowToday
I had lodgers years ago, and it can be really hard to get it right.
One, whom I felt “
Oh gawd” about was superb, and is a home owner and friend now, but others were less good.
I found an old tape that had my DS on, and the lodger and I were talking in the background..
I said
“ Name- pays the rent on time, quiet, cleans the bath- what more do you want 😂?”

Isn't this a really old thread? Have you posted about her before? I remember you have been given A LOT of sensible advise in previous posts about how over-familiar your lodger is etc. What are you hoping for with this thread?

@Butchyrestingface

Gosh there seems to be a lot of difficulty with lodgers on mn at the moment!

I was thinking that. Lodgers and inheritance issues have pinged on my radar recently.

People are more cooped up.

You need to get clear on the ground rules of your house/lodger before you get a new one.
Eg

• smoking
• bikes
• condiments (make up your mind, are you sharing them or not?)

If she makes a 'helpful' suggestion then just say 'oh, thanks for the suggestion' and smile broadly. You can decide later whether it's helpful or not.

Living with people can be irritating. People's spouses and kids wind them up all the time, why would lodgers be any different?

You sound as though you don't want to ask her to leave until you've got guaranteed continuity of income. She's not been threatening or aggressive or caused damage from what you've said so far, so either suck it up and take the financial hit or grow a pair and accept that she's not perfect but she's paying you rent.

I don't know what's with all the lodger threads at the moment.
Same advice every time:
Communicate with the lodger.
If you're not happy with the lodger/lodger's behaviour/lodger's passive aggressive comments about a new kitchen/lodger drinking champagne then give the lodger notice to quit. Bye.
It's that simple.

You sound a bit unreasonable too OP. She might be a lodger but the house is also her home- she’s only made the odd vocal comment.

Suggest you start looking for a better job to make more money so you don’t need a lodger as you’d probably be happier living alone.

[quote oakleaffy]@TomorrowToday
I had lodgers years ago, and it can be really hard to get it right.
One, whom I felt “
Oh gawd” about was superb, and is a home owner and friend now, but others were less good.
I found an old tape that had my DS on, and the lodger and I were talking in the background..
I said
“ Name- pays the rent on time, quiet, cleans the bath- what more do you want 😂?”[/quote]
Yes. I’m finding it a little different as it’s my home as opposed to subleasing (whilst living in the property). I need an end date from her.

@TheSunshineTrain

You sound a bit unreasonable too OP. She might be a lodger but the house is also her home- she’s only made the odd vocal comment.

Suggest you start looking for a better job to make more money so you don’t need a lodger as you’d probably be happier living alone.

it’s how she says it though. If you vocalise something it’s normally to show your displeasure in something.

She’s also moved cups and glasses after I put them in their new place in the new kitchen (draw). She than decided she didn’t like them on the shelf and told me. So when someone constantly says “I don’t like” to things that are mundane, it’s annoying at best and generally rude.

Barging past me (she didn’t touch me but she didn’t listen to my instruction), it’s an issue. She also walked into my room when I was asleep so I don’t trust her.

@TheSunshineTrain and also judgmental to think I’m not looking for a better job. You do realise that a lot of people don’t have jobs due to corona... that the job market is hard... what an idiot comment. Had you just said “how’s the job hunting going, hope you are able to get out of your financial situation”.

Friends son had a south american girlfriend found online. When she came to stay she was a bloody nightmare, apart from food quirks she demanded that the DS pay for everything, not just dining out but her clothes, jewellery, etc. he had already paid for her flight over. The rest of us thought he was being milked. OP you are being milked.

Oh my God, you let someone own you in this way, when it's YOUR house?! If she doesn't like it - why doesn't she leave??

She’s damaged the bathroom vanity as well :/

What, twice?

@justasking111 is it a trait of the country though?

@debwong with bleach. Not sure when I’ve said she’s damaged it before

This is the same poster regards ignoring the lodger knocking door and coming in when OP didn’t reply ‘cos she couldn’t be bothered’ you both sound as awkward and daft as each other and both difficult to live with.
Stop posting moaning and do something about her.

Sometimes I think about getting a lodger, as I've got two empty bedrooms, but when I read about all the hassle they are, I don't think I can face it, though the extra cash would be handy.

she’s also started to smoke weed and cigarettes at home. She leaves the buts on the step.

That would be enough for me to ask her to leave.

@TomorrowToday you surely don't think 'South America' is a country?

These hardly seem like big issues. I think you're blowing it out of all proportion.