DH functioning alcoholic

[TheBlueBear]

Have been with DH 4 years but only living together the past year and got married in Feb. I've always known he's enjoyed a drink but it's only really since living together that I've realised the extent of it. On average he would drink 2-3 litres of vodka a week. He normally has three days off per week and out of those three he would drink on two of them. On average he would have nearly a litre of vodka per session. Although he drinks huge quantities he never appears to be 'properly' drunk ie he doesn't be staggering around or have blackouts etc (although he is a big guy in both height and weight). He's a shift worker and often after a nightshift he would stay up drinking (from about 6am-9am). I know that drinking in the morning would be a huge red flag for a lot of people but I'm a shift worker too and I know a few colleagues who would treat the morning after a night shift as their 'evening' and have a couple of glasses of wine. The issue with the morning drinking is more that DH tries to hide it. For example yesterday morning I went downstairs at 7am to make breakfast. DH heard me come downstairs and ran out into the kitchen to me. He told me he'd bring me up breakfast in bed and I should 'try and get some more sleep' (newborn DD had been up during the night). At 9am DH comes to bed smelling of alcohol. I go down and see that the bottle of vodka that had about a third left in it was now gone and the empty bottle was hidden (badly) in the kitchen bin. This is a fairly frequent occurrence. When DH drinks he's fairly amenable which is probably why I tolerate his drinking to the extent I do. What concerns me is the way he hides it as this shows to me that he must think himself he has a problem. I know I'm enabling the secret drinking by not challenging him about it but when I've spoken to him about his drinking before he's gotten extremely defensive (which i know is the typical reaction of someone who's a problem drinker). I suppose what I really want from this post is advice from any one else whose been in a similar situation. From my reading on the subject it seems that alcoholism always tends to escalate but I'm wondering is that true or does it depend on the person?

It sounds very much like he has a fairly serious drinking problem. I'm very sorry.

He is drinking a massive amount and it’s an unhealthy amount for his body, regardless of everything else. Could you give AA a call for a call more advice and see if you’re DH is willing to have a chat?

Sorry to hear that you're in this position.
3 bottles of vodka is around 96 units. That's a heck of a lot of alcohol to be consuming a week when you compare to the recommended 14 units a week.
Even if he is functioning and not being rowdy with the drinking, the damage he is doing to his liver and the rest of his body is immense. The end of the road does not look good.... hepatitis, heart problems and even death!
You will need to sit down and have a discussion about this. It will be difficult because people with drinking problems are often defensive, as you mentioned.
But ultimately, he'll need to decide to cut down himself. If there will be any change, it will have to come from him.
Very difficult situation. Good luck OP.

It generally escalates but can stop only if the person wants it enough. All pleading and logic doesnt mstter.

I suppose I've (quite naively) not -wanted to acknowledge- realise that his drinking is problematic as he's generally nice when drinking. On reflection I realise just how important alcohol is to him though. On the nights that he doesn't drink he'll generally go to bed ridiculously early (8pm or so) and I suspect that's because he finds evenings boring without a drink. @FestiveChristmasLights although your advice is very sensible there is absolutely no way he would engage with AA as he doesn't really acknowledge there is an issue. Occasionally he will 'make jokes' about being an alcoholic but I made a remark one time about the amount he drank and he got very upset and defensive. I completely agree about the health issues too but luckily he doesn't seem to have any health issues at present due to the alcohol. I know people say alcoholics normally get worse but I wouldn't say the drinking has increased since being with him. If anything it has lessened but it's just I'm more aware of it because we live together.

I think it's common for people to assume it's the quantity of alcohol someone drinks which determines whether they are an alcoholic or not but it is not the most significant indicator in my opinion. Your husband is defensive when challenged about his drinking and tries to hide it which is much more concerning. AA can't help anyone who doesn't acknowledge they have a problem.

In my experience your husband's drinking is likely to get worse rather than better. He may have reduced his intake since you started living together but if he is an alcoholic it will only be temporary, I suspect you haven't seen the full extent of it yet. In your shoes I would not hang around hoping he will decide to do something about it and an ultimate will only encourage him to lie more. Things don't seem desperate enough for you to consider leaving at this point but I would get in touch with Al Anon (Tel 0800 0086 811) to seek support for yourself.

My advice is based on my experience as an alcoholic in recovery.

How would you feel if he got caught drunk driving ( hours later he could be over the limit) or lost his job? You need to speak to him about it . You can only encourage him to get help but he has to want to do it. I have just left a fully functioning alcoholic after 20 years . He was getting worse and becoming verbally abusive. He started in 2-3 days a week but in latter years it was every day . It came to a head when he attacked our 18 year old son. Good luck .

So. Have you talked about it before? How does he react. That will tell you everything you need to know.
Sit him down and talk to him tonight.

@FOJN thank you for the reply. Well done for being in recovery, I'm sure it wasn't easy. I honestly think if I gave him an ultimatum he would likely choose alcohol and I would have to leave with DD and my DS as he owns the house. A few weeks ago we had a huge row about something fairly trivial and he told me the marriage was over (he was drunk when we were arguing) He told me I would have to move out. When he sobered up he apologised and said he didn't mean it but it's left me feeling very vulnerable. I think he frightened himself with his outburst and didn't drink for a few nights after that but the following week things went back to normal.

You have my sympathies op, it's a horrible situation. I watched a parent withstand the pain that came with a husband who drank too much with similar habits, hiding how much was being drank, copious amounts of vodka, drunken outbursts and I'm sorry to say these only escalated and became worse. They have to want the help and only they can make that decision. I don't really have any advice and sharing more of my experience would probably not help you but I hope you find a way through it

Have you watched the documentary ‘Drinkers Like Me’ by Adrian Chiles? It’s on YouTube. There’s a lot of info about functioning alcoholics and whether drinking a high number of units does harm. Might be useful for you or maybe even resonate with your DH?

My experience is that it gets worse and the increase is often caused by the arrival of children. Unfortunately there’s not much you can do as it is your DH that needs to want to give up. Just make sure you’re there to protect your child and be prepared to leave if needed.

My dad was an alcoholic. He drank about the same amount as your DH, though he never had a night off. I know a lot of alcoholics (messed up family). There's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. Whether they're holding down a job or not, they are terrible for the people around them. And only one of 'my' alcoholics stopped, and that was only when his liver packed in and he needed a transplant (not saying that'll be the case with your DH - these were chronic alcoholics and all normalising each other's drinking).

It's my mum I struggled to understand/ forgive for the longest though, since she never protected us, and kidded herself that all was fine because he was 'functioning'. You're already doing better than her by asking these questions.

So, I think what I'm trying to say is that in my experience, it's not your job to get him to stop drinking - you won't be able to, that's up to him. But it is your job to keep your DD safe. I don't mean (just) from drunken violence, but also from the fear she'll feel when your DH is drunk and unpredictable, and the guilt - because she'll feel all his drunk/ hungover moods are her fault - and the shame, when she finally realises that not everyone's dad drinks like that. And potentially the loss of her dad too young.

Sorry if that was really grim. You described the smell of stale drink on your DH, and even now - years and miles away from my childhood - that smell still makes my skin prickle with fear. Hopefully your DH just has a bad habit and will kick it soon - this can and does happen, and is far more likely than the situation I described!

That amount of alcohol will have serious physical and mental health risks for him.

I agree with you, his hiding it suggests he is aware that he is drinking too much.

I am sorry you and your newborn DD are in this situation as there is very little you can do about it.

Have a look at the Al-Anon website which is aimed at people affected by somebody else's drinking.

You did not cause his drinking.
You cannot stop his drinking.

@sandgrown I suspect there are times he's over the limit. He would never ever blatantly 'drink drive' ie won't even have a pint with a large meal if we were in a restaurant but there has been occasions were he will drive the next day despite drinking excessively the night before. Im sorry to hear about your experience and about DH attacking your son. That must have been terrifying.

I'm sorry, but unless he acknowledges he has a problem there is absolutely nothing you can to to make him stop.

I was going to say do not have children with him, but that horse has bolted.

I have seen how my SIL's life was ruined by staying with her alcoholic late husband - late because it killed him in the end.

Those are harsh words, but you need to get your children away from this. My nephews and nieces ended up hating their father because of his drinking and the misery it brought their mother.

@Oblomov20 I made an off hand comment about it once before and he wasn't at all happy. He would occasionally make comments himself about his alcohol usage but would never have a serious conversation about it without getting cross.
Although he doesn't sound it, he is a fantastic husband and dad in every respect except the drinking so part of me nearly feels guilty mentioning it to him as I'm probably 'luckier' than most women.

Hi Blue Bear at this time of year the police are very vigilant so he needs to be careful. I am amazed my ex was never caught. He also suffered with depression and was told to stop drinking for his mental health but he never tried. He became verbally abusive when drunk . As our son got older he began to challenge his dad’s behaviour which culminated in his dad physically attacking him. It was the final straw and we left .

he drink drives, threatens to throw you and his newborn child out making you homeless and has an alcohol problem. None of those things make him a fantastic husband or dad.

Please stop minimising his drinking. He is an alcoholic. You aren't lucky at all. It will get worse, he will lose his job and drink even more.

Most people say that their alcoholic partners are "great". They aren't - they priorisise alcohol over their families. They promise to stop, then have another drink.

Please believe me that unless he takes responsibility for his drinking it will get a lot worse for you.

Cathy31 good post. My dad is also a functional alcoholic and my ex husband was a less functional one. The impact on children cannot be overstated.

You can’t change someone like this and rationalising and nagging will drive you mad. To be blunt, the only lever of control you have is to leave.

I think you ask him how he would look after the kids if something happened to you and them. He couldn’t drive anyone to hospital if he was drunk. If something happened to the kids while he’s drunk then he’d be blamed.

Thank you for sharing your stories @cg88 and @Cathy31. Incidentally my father was an alcoholic too. He's sober about 10 years now but the impact on our family has been long lasting. He was extremely abusive and my mother stayed with him even after he done terrible things and I've never really gotten over that betrayal. I'm very conscious that I don't want my DCs exposed to that but as he is generally a 'nice' drunk I don't really feel that I would be justified in leaving. If I thought for a second that he would hurt the DCs in any way I would undoubtedly leave though as I always promised myself I would never put my kids through what went experienced growing up.

Hi Blue Bear at this time of year the police are very vigilant so he needs to be careful.

I think it might be the wake up call he needs to be caught drink driving.

The problem with functioning alcoholics is that the majority end up as non-functioning alcoholics. My late husband was like yours (though he drank more - 140 units a week or thereabouts) and he ended up dead at the age of 58.

He gets angry when challenged, he's threatened to throw you out when you comment, he hides his drinking - all very bad signs.

There is nothing you can do to make him change. You are powerless against this. I cannot recommend strongly enough that you leave him.