DH functioning alcoholic

[TheBlueBear]

Have been with DH 4 years but only living together the past year and got married in Feb. I've always known he's enjoyed a drink but it's only really since living together that I've realised the extent of it. On average he would drink 2-3 litres of vodka a week. He normally has three days off per week and out of those three he would drink on two of them. On average he would have nearly a litre of vodka per session. Although he drinks huge quantities he never appears to be 'properly' drunk ie he doesn't be staggering around or have blackouts etc (although he is a big guy in both height and weight). He's a shift worker and often after a nightshift he would stay up drinking (from about 6am-9am). I know that drinking in the morning would be a huge red flag for a lot of people but I'm a shift worker too and I know a few colleagues who would treat the morning after a night shift as their 'evening' and have a couple of glasses of wine. The issue with the morning drinking is more that DH tries to hide it. For example yesterday morning I went downstairs at 7am to make breakfast. DH heard me come downstairs and ran out into the kitchen to me. He told me he'd bring me up breakfast in bed and I should 'try and get some more sleep' (newborn DD had been up during the night). At 9am DH comes to bed smelling of alcohol. I go down and see that the bottle of vodka that had about a third left in it was now gone and the empty bottle was hidden (badly) in the kitchen bin. This is a fairly frequent occurrence. When DH drinks he's fairly amenable which is probably why I tolerate his drinking to the extent I do. What concerns me is the way he hides it as this shows to me that he must think himself he has a problem. I know I'm enabling the secret drinking by not challenging him about it but when I've spoken to him about his drinking before he's gotten extremely defensive (which i know is the typical reaction of someone who's a problem drinker). I suppose what I really want from this post is advice from any one else whose been in a similar situation. From my reading on the subject it seems that alcoholism always tends to escalate but I'm wondering is that true or does it depend on the person?

Some very good points have been made on this thread. I realise now that even him being a 'nice drunk doesn't make it ok and it could still potentially affect the DCs. I think I am so tolerant because I count myself 'lucky' to not be with a nasty drunk like my dad. I know DH adores me and the DC but his addiction does seem to come first at times which can be hurtful.

It would probably be a good thing if he got caught drink driving tbh.

My experience of alcoholics is that they fundamentally don't believe the normal rules apply to them, and that many of them need some fairly significant consequences before they make any attempt to stop drinking.

I grew up with a drunk in the family and it was an absolute blight. He tainted everything and everybody with his drinking and the children were made complicit in hiding and covering up.

The fact that your husband is defensive about his drinking, hides the bottles, navigates around you to get to his alcohol... these are all major issues. You have a young baby who will soon be old enough to be made complicit too... and that will be on you, OP, sorry.

It makes me so sad to see posters here regularly pop up with "Am I drinking too much? No, I'm not! You're just a joyless fun-sucker". They don't realise that people without a drinking problem don't need to ask. I was reading your first post and thought of those posters and wondered whether they realise that their children are aware that there's a problem.

For your child's sake, OP, get help to distance yourself from this. If your husband won't get help then there's no good place for this to go, it will only get worse. Alcoholics are in denial that they even have a problem. I'm really sorry.

They call alcoholism a family illness both because it runs in families and because the children of alcoholics who don't become drunks themselves often end up in relationships with alcoholics. And you have done exactly that.

Both DF and I are very long time sober but one of my cousins died of his alcoholism a couple of years ago. My DC have never seen me drink.

Your DH is an alcoholic and it's no good saying what a great dad he is when he's clearly putting booze before his family.

I stopped drinking because I hated letting people I loved down and I could tell my marriage wasn't going to last unless I did. Maybe that's the line to take? You need to have a serious talk when he's stone cold sober and he needs to understand that this could eventually destroy his family. Then he can make an informed decision.

I wouldn't wish being a drinking alcoholic on my worst enemy. Rehab then AA - best thing I ever did. I did an AMA on it if you want to know more about the nuts and bolts of it.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe He is aware that he drinks too much and would sometimes make reference to it and talk about cutting down but it never lasts. He had planned on doing sober October (for a week) which I was delighted with as DD was due in October but he didn't do it in the end up. If anything he drank more when she was born but to be entirely honest I was enabling it as I felt he 'deserved' to relax. There were nights I was even buying him bottles to seem like the 'good wife'. On reflection there's a part of me that worries if I try to spoil his fun he'll end up resenting me. But from reading the comments on here I now realise that there's a very real possibility that my DC will end up hating me. I feel really disappointed in myself that I'm to some extent letting history repeat itself at the potential detriment to my kids. I honestly didn't think it would affect them as he is generally very amenable when drinking but I see now that I've been quite naive about it all. @PrawnofthePatriarchy thank you for your advice also and well done on your recovery. It takes a lot of courage. From your own experience do you feel it always gets worse?

“I'm probably 'luckier' than most women.”
You’re really not
You’re also in denial. What are you hoping for from this thread? That some alcoholics start drinking moderately?
Contact Al- Anon and start on an escape plan.

@Willfiasco I suppose I'm wondering if it does indeed always escalate. My own fathers alcoholicism certainly did but his drinking was always more problematic to begin with. My DH has drank the same amount for the past 10 years or so.
I wouldn't say I'm in denial, but have been rather naive to how this could affect the DC.

[quote TheBlueBear]@Willfiasco I suppose I'm wondering if it does indeed always escalate. My own fathers alcoholicism certainly did but his drinking was always more problematic to begin with. My DH has drank the same amount for the past 10 years or so.
I wouldn't say I'm in denial, but have been rather naive to how this could affect the DC.[/quote]
Even if it doesn't escalate and the chances are it will its still going to have a huge impact on your child.

You may not be in denial about your husband drink problem but you seem to be in denial about the impact it will have on your family.

I'm sorry to be blunt about it but I've bee through this myself and I know the sorts of bargains and trade-offs you make in your own head and it doesn't work, long term.

The only solution is for you to leave. Its possible that doing so will trigger a huge wake-up call sufficient to make your DH realise what is at stake but you can't count on this happening. You need to work on the basis that your marriage is over and call the shots. You can't expect him to come to this realisation on his own -- he won't.

Get some support from Al Anon if it helps, talk to people. But you do have to leave.

Exdp was a functioning alcoholic similar to what you describe. I ignored it, made allowances for it, minimised it etc for years. I hardly drink and when I got bottles of wine and champagne as gifts for my birthday I would hide them inside my knee high boots so he wouldn't drink them. He found a litre bottle of chambord I'd hidden and drank it within an hour - no one can enjoy downing that much sweet liquer, that's purely about getting alcohol into your system.

He would sit in the computer room every evening drinking and playing games, I felt like a single person but had all the hassle of working and sorting out everything for both of us, to do with the house, washing, you name it. I 'joked' that alcohol was the 'other woman' in our relationship as it took his time and attention off me.

My lightbulb moment was realising that actually I was the 'other woman' in his relationship with alcohol - he loved it and needed it in his life more than me. It would always come first. I had to either accept that or end it. I chose to end it. It was hard as I still loved him but I couldnt live like that for the rest of my life and he was not prepared to change.

I didnt have kids with him, luckily, so it was more straightforward, but please be warned that the 'nice, loving, cuddly' drinker can very quickly become Mr Very Nasty indeed when its clear the relationship is over.

my ex fiance was for most of his adult life a functioning alcoholic who held down very responsible , well paid jobs.. until one day he became un functioning and it cost him his marriage. Sober for some years, I came on the scene. After a few years he again become un functioning. He wrecked my life, but I am still living mine... he is dead from his drinking
Please leave
And go to Al Anon...I couldnt have done without them after leaving him... a safe place to rant and cry without being judged

I don't think he's functioning terribly well. He's drink driving, going to bed early when he can't have a drink, saying things he regrets when he sobers up, hiding bottles... He's your common or garden alcoholic and he's in complete denial, so trying to get help for him is pointless. Agree with other posters that you should get in touch with Alanon and get yourself and your children out of this situation. It will only get worse.

Quite apart from whether it will escalate (which it almost certainly will), he's probably in for some fairly major health problems even if he keeps on drinking as he is.

From your own experience do you feel it always gets worse?

Yes, though how fast varies.

Your nice DH will still harm you and his DC. You already are treading on eggshells and the DC will soon know that daddy gets tense (when he nends a drink) and out of control (when he's had a lot). I remember my dad (who was never overtly abusive) being charismatic but kinda scary when he'd had a skilful. What I was sensing was that he was dangerously out of control but at that age I didn't have the vocabulary to identify it.

His behaviour when you leave could go one of two ways or a mix of both. He may well become quite vicious and angry, or alternatively, he may threaten suicide and say he is drinking because he is so sad without you. You need to set boundaries and be very firm and determined. It is never your fault. His drinking is his choice and the cure is entirely in his hands.

Sorry to hear about your experiences @thepeopleversuswork and @VWGolfmk2. From reading previous posts my eyes have definitely been opened to how it could affect the DCs. I genuinely hadn't thought about it which is shameful but I suppose I felt if he is 'nice' when drinking then there was no harm. I often know when DH is looking to have a drink as he'll start randomly doing a pile of chores around the house. I know he does this so he can justify having a drink later. Interestingly when he's drunk he's actually nicer than when he's sober (not that he's nasty sober) but he really bends over backwards when drunk to please me. I don't know whether this is because he's happier when drunk or if he feels guilty about the drinking and tries to ease his conscience. However in saying that he can occasionally go the other way and be very argumentative but its few and far between. Again I'm not trying to justify his behaviour but rather explain why it's hard to see the parallels between him and my own father. This post has really made me think though. Your lightbulb moment about being the OW in particular has really hit home @VWGolfmk2

Skinful not skilful.

Stop comparing him with your father. Think about your situation now. You need to ask yourself if you want your kids to spend their childhoods with a dad who drinks far too much and who will always put his need to drink first. You can't leave them with him, ever. You can't trust him to drive them anywhere or to be sober at their school events. Leave now, please, for their sakes.

@TheBlueBear

Sorry to hear about your experiences *@thepeopleversuswork and *@VWGolfmk2*. From reading previous posts my eyes have definitely been opened to how it could affect the DCs. I genuinely hadn't thought about it which is shameful but I suppose I felt if he is 'nice' when drinking then there was no harm. I often know when DH is looking to have a drink as he'll start randomly doing a pile of chores around the house. I know he does this so he can justify having a drink later. Interestingly when he's drunk he's actually nicer than when he's sober (not that he's nasty sober) but he really bends over backwards when drunk to please me. I don't know whether this is because he's happier when drunk or if he feels guilty about the drinking and tries to ease his conscience. However in saying that he can occasionally go the other way and be very argumentative but its few and far between. Again I'm not trying to justify his behaviour but rather explain why it's hard to see the parallels between him and my own father. This post has really made me think though. Your lightbulb moment about being the OW in particular has really hit home *@VWGolfmk2**

Your lightbulb moment about being the OW in particular has really hit home *@VWGolfmk2*

I found this a really useful comparison as its the only way I finally realised what I would and would not put up with in the relationship. I would never have accepted being cheated on by any partner, however I was letting myself be cheated of a caring, mutual relationship, and once I accepted this and hardened my mind to looking at truely how my life was then it became clear to me what my way forward was.

Its difficult and all encompassing when you are in the midst of living with an alcoholic and your life revolves around keeping all the plates spinning, managing your response to their drinking, and hiding it from other people. I'd recommend you get some councelling or even just talk to someone you trust about it all, once I started talking to a few trusted people they were shocked that the 'perfect' couple were very far from that, as I hid it so well. But talking it over and over, over time, is so helpful in letting you reassess your own boundaries and what you want from life and the relationship, not what is imposed upon you.

Me too ForeverRedSkinhead it went downhill 1000% after he lost his job.

I don't think he's functioning terribly well. He's drink driving, going to bed early when he can't have a drink, saying things he regrets when he sobers up, hiding bottles... He's your common or garden alcoholic

Agreed. I' sorry you're going through this OP, my own father went to AA in the end thank god but not before the spiral downwards put us all through hell. And it does always spiral downwards.

At 9am DH comes to bed smelling of alcohol. I go down and see that the bottle of vodka that had about a third left in it was now gone and the empty bottle was hidden (badly) in the kitchen bin.

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 26 years of sobriety. You don't know how much he's drinking because he's actively hiding it from you. And if he's drinking in the morning it's because he's experiencing withdrawal cravings, which means that he's physically addicted. It's not just a "habit", the biochemistry of his brain has changed:

Molecular basis of alcoholism

On some level, he knows it's a problem (hence the jokes) but he's outwardly denying it because he also knows that stopping would be acutely unpleasant and possibly dangerous. When I was at the stage where he was I felt as if I had fallen into a pit with no way to climb out. The trick is you have to ask for help.

Addiction of any sort is a disease, a medical disorder. Talk to him about that and how his GP can help him. For yourself, as others have said, find an al-anon group to attend. The people there can provide a lot of good advice on how to cope with your situation.

He spent his £20k payout (which I got for him as I insisted they paid him off instead of sacking him) in the pub with his mates and has liver damage now.

That amount for 10 years?! Wow. I'd suggest he visits the doctors now and asks them to have a look at his liver - he will undoubtedly have done damage already.

One thing that stands out to me and hasn't really been mentioned is the cost of his drinking.
Must be what roughly £50 per week, £200 a month on something that will seriously damage his health and perhaps your finances. Just another take on the situation.I'm sorry you are going through this.

OP when you said you have a DD with your husband, and when he asked you to leave you would have to take DD and your Son?
Is the little boy not his? The reason I ask is if he's at school? or sees his Dad's family etc? If anything was to ever happened like your husband was negligent through alcohol and anything happened or if he got done for drink driving.
It'll have repercussions in that respect too.
I hope you manage to find a solution out of this situation. I wish you all the best.